What about those stories you have heard about your Narcissist doing so well or moving on and in love again – and what about the things that you are hearing as far as YOU being the disordered and abusive one in this relationship?
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
I heard ‘the stories’ and saw different things that were posted on the internet from my Narcissist and probably believed them all at the time. What I didn’t get was that all of these messages were posted for me to see as well as to bring adulation and attention to the Narcissist and deflect from the reality of how they abused me. It was more like this Narcissist TRYING to say look at me and my wonderful life now without you AND I told you that I would leave one day because YOU are the source of every problem! But what about the OTHER abusive relationships that preceded mine or yours – in my case an ex-spouse and kids that were left behind before me. YES, that is a very important point as it concerns the many other failed relationships the Narcissist has had as well as the horrific relationship they just ended with us – this is where the truth lives? They bury their past targets/victims with these messages they send out to convince their minions that they are the healthy person and all of us (their past targets/victims) were the problem. The Narcissist’s past tells the REAL truth and identifies them clearly as abusive with a reoccurring pattern that is so evident. They can wave whatever colorful flag they want to hide the truth but it doesn’t work to ERASE their abusive past ESPECIALLY WITH US. Only a fool or an enabling family can’t see the reality as it concerns the Narcissist’s constant relationship jumping and ALWAYS blaming the last person they were in a relationship with. Remember real people have real empathy and the Narcissist understands this all too well and sees it as an opportunity (and weakness) to exploit everyone around them into believing their lies and ‘blaming’ everyone else. They know what they have done and what they are doing when they are smearing your integrity and keeping you vulnerable with their ambient abuse – they HAVE to do this to avoid the truth and being exposed.
So, remember, every message you may hear or see is sent to make you feel jealous, hurt you, and manage you down to keep you vulnerable and silent while your abuser runs off to avoid exposure. The messages are just more of the abuse being sent your way – nothing has changed they are just abusing you from afar because THIS IS WHAT THEY DO and they will keep it up as long as you allow it. When I look back and piece these messages together I only see ‘crazy making’ and contradictory messages because my Narcissist had to convince many people once more that another failed relationship was NOT their fault. I saw this Narcissist back on their moralistic pulpit praying for everybody and their brother on the internet and PRETENDING to be such a strong and moral character but I was receiving emails about their perverted sex life in private – WHO does that after ending a relationship but a person trying to inflict sadistic abuse on their victim to silence and desperately hurt them! I had to hear about their new supply and how wonderful life was through text messages and emails, but I also saw this Narcissist on sex sites looking for ‘other’ playmates. BUT you do not see this when you are fresh out of this abusive relationship because you are traumatized and still believing the huge con job, emotionally attached, and vulnerable – call it shell shock or whatever but you are not yet out of the fog and still reaching back out to this desperate love seeking closure and answers but what you get is more abuse because you still replay those destructive messages back and even believe them that somehow this is your fault and MAYBE you can fix this!
First take yourself back to the first days you were with your Narcissist. Were you in love or feeling a love connection. Did you BELIEVE that what you had was really LOVE? Well the answer of course is yes. This all falls under the category of how an abusive Narcissist ‘love bombs’ their target/victim to lure them in by gaining their trust through mimicking love. Well this new supply is in your shoes now and responding to the same disordered and manipulative gestures from the Narcissist that APPEARS to be a viable and loving person in THEIR life now. SO, it also APPEARS to be the real thing to them TOO! This Narcissist is not amazing and the healthy one that the world wants so desperately – they are only as amazing as the con job they create and they are experts at what they do and they NEED a source of supply always. This is not a new love this is a new victim!
SO, the main factor here is that this is the same abusive Narcissist but with a new person. This is simply what they do – move onto to a newer source of supply and there is no love or relationship there either. You simply CAN’T forget that you were with an emotionally abusive and controlling creature that would eventually demean, devalue and discard you and this abusive creature is going to repeat this same process and pattern with the new SUPPLY just as they did with you. Unfortunately, the real truth that they are a Narcissist isn’t included in the equation when the ‘love bombing’ is going on. They trap, ensnare, gain our trust, and con us or process us in a manner to manage us down to gain control and power over us emotionally and psychologically so they can extort their precious supply from us. Remember also that you did have red flags or intuition about your Narcissist and those messages were there in our subconscious just as they are with the new supply but like us they are more than likely bending and justifying the little quirks about this Narcissist especially during the ‘love bombing.’
Now ask yourself were you a mentally challenged person when you entered into this relationship? I would believe most would say no. Unfortunately, as time went on you were described as practically insane by the Narcissist, as well as a couple hundred other things to make you out to be worthless and that takes time to purge out of your mind. Those messages are still there with you because you were managed down slowly but surely to accept this role with your abuser without even knowing it and AGAIN the new supply will be managed down and disabled in the same way that you were! You were blamed, shamed, told you were everything bad. With that in mind you were put in a role that locked your mind up in these distortions (brainwashing, gas-lighting, manipulation, etc.) and trying to do more and more to alleviate all of these so-called problems you had to get the relationship back on track. The Narcissist was the driving force behind all of this to keep you trapped in confusion each and most every single day. Remember they had an arsenal of tools to do this because that is what they do and they are utilizing these tools with this new supply too! ALSO remember that they are still doing this to YOU but from a distance to still have that control over – BUT DON’T ALLOW IT!
The love bombing or the feeling of being in love became a distant memory and a goal that you desperately worked on each and every day to try to fix so you could return to that amazing ‘love.’ This became all-encompassing and probably for a very long time. It actually became a part of you and is still there residing inside of you and now it is traumatizing because you lost the so-called battle and you have no closure or answers. Now you are basically disabled by all of the abuse with so many questions and looking from the outside in at the Narcissist and this so called new and amazing life of theirs. That Narcissist warned you that you better change OR ELSE. Well the ‘or else’ happened and who are you blaming? Yourself! You are in a position that has you very vulnerable, isolated, and traumatized because you are JUST figuring this out and that will take time until you realize the truth that you have been dealing with a personality disordered person. You search for PERSONAL answers wherever you can find them and sometimes that leads you to places you shouldn’t be like peeking at the Narcissists activity on the internet, or listening to their friends or minions, or replaying all of those negative messages in your head that this Narcissist planted there. Recovery can ONLY happen when you leave the Narcissist completely behind and that means physically, emotionally, and mentally. THEY WERE NOT REAL in any sense of a normal and committed relationship and you cannot try to apply normal logic to trying to figure them out or reach closure with the end of your relationship with your good empathy and love.
So today or whatever day you are sitting there and feeling such a debilitating and sick feeling in the pit of your stomach because of something you saw or heard that this Narcissist is off and having the time of their life with a new person is just ambient abuse OR all about the Narcissist warping your reality from a distance. This is still all about the devaluation that you spent so much of your time trying to reconcile and now you are trying to reconcile THIS. You believed that so much of this was your fault and that still lingers in your mind. You are still trying to fix this in some manner to alleviate the pain you feel, but now it is only at a distance and you are the only participant. That Narcissist is off and into a new target/victim, so on top of everything else you are searching for more answers BUT now with another layer of abuse that has been inflicted on you. There aren’t any REAL answers out there but there is the truth. What you see are only more distorted images (concerning the new supply) that lead you back to feeling like YOU were/are unworthy and again all lies! This is the emotional and psychological ABUSE or what I call psychological terrorism or psychological rape!
The old messages that we draw our conclusions from loving this Narcissist can damage us more and become a driving force especially as it concerns this abuse because all of those messages were destructive, manipulative and meant to manage us down. If you keep replaying those messages they will keep you stuck in a constant cycle of extreme confusion that has no reality to help you recover or move forward. There is no closure just tons of messages from a disordered creature that wants you to feel their wrath as well as abuse you just a little bit more to perhaps take you over the edge. I had to deal with this for almost a YEAR because I didn’t have the knowledge and truth I have now. Don’t let this abuse lock you up in a vicious circle of obsessive thoughts that have no basis of reality because you are dealing with a Narcissist and you NOW know what they are and do. They want to continue to control you and enjoy it with all of their off-color messages and lies of happiness. The many supporters they SEEM to have are surface friends that haven’t had to deal with their abuse personally as we have so they are clueless and lack the depth to see the real truth. Narcissists don’t maintain or harbor deep friendships, they con and abuse any and every relationship for their convenience. We can’t blame the new supply or dislike them, because we were in THEIR shoes once and look where it got us, BUT we also protected the monster and stayed with them until we couldn’t anymore. This is abuse and the cycle reappears with each and every new person this Narcissist locks into their lives – they will end up here one day as well trying to figure out what happened and feeling destroyed. No/minimal contact to end the madness once and for all! Remember just how amazing you are and YES you defeated this abuse because you were too strong to allow it to continue and that is what sent that Narcissist off and running! Greg