Like a great actor, a Narcissist draws from an audience or a particular person to create a reality that is believable. We, as the audience, become engaged with the complete story, emotions, beliefs, feelings and all. We empathize with the character in that fake script and we BELIEVE that show they put on for us but unfortunately NONE of it is real and just part of their agenda to con us into their lair of lies, deceit, and abuse.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
FIRST and FOREMOST, most of us fell in love with one of these Narcissists – but it was FAKE, not real, a con job and a means for them to use us as Narcissistic supply. Huge and I mean an ABSOLUTELY huge betrayal and the sign of a highly-disordered individual, so implant this message firmly into your mind! They thrive on admiration so they select an audience or a particular person that fulfills their particular need at any particular time that they have that need and that is key here. We were all objectified to fulfill THEIR NEEDS. Like a great actor, a Narcissist draws from the audience/person to create a reality that is believable and we, as the audience, become engaged with the complete story, emotions, beliefs, feelings and all. We empathize with the character in that fake script and we believe that show they put on for us.
The Narcissist is just like that actor, but he/she isn’t doing it for entertainment purposes – this is their whole life and reality that is ALL based on lies. We don’t know it is a huge con job at the time because our hearts are ruling our heads and we don’t know that he/she (the person we are with) is not a fully functioning human being as well that lacks any and all empathy. Furthermore, we do not know they are abusive and will destroy our lives and run off with whatever they can take from us. Read this paragraph to anybody that hasn’t experienced this abuse and they will probably shake their head in disbelief and think you are crazy – BUT IT IS THE TRUTH. NOW imagine if you will that it is JUST as crazy for us (target/victims) to relate to and try to put it in a realistic perspective to create our own closure and recover from a predator that attacked our lives in this manner! This is new to you and at this point you have spent more time in the NON-truth of your situation than you have with the truth that you are finally realizing. So, it is a process to achieve the clarity and that is how no contact is going to help you achieve this. From there you WILL be able to move forward and heal the internal wounds with deep introspection and a will that will drive you through recovery and back to a real life and freedom.
If we honestly evaluate what has happened during the aftermath, we can identify times where we were in full-fledged denial of the obvious facts – I sure was! Our partners had changed and we chose to believe that their viciousness and cruel behavior was caused by something we had done wrong. A big NO to that because we were in denial of this barrage of manipulation that a shrewd Narcissist used to fulfill their agenda. Our intuition WAS warning us but our hearts and mind were ignoring that. It is also not a sign of weakness or stupidity on our part, instead it was a slow and insidious process of extreme manipulation, betrayal, and brain-washing that stole our self-esteem and changed us. It is not hard to understand how it could happen because a Narcissist employs an array of manipulation techniques that warps human emotions AND the very ones we all cherish and try to emulate into our lives – and that is love. Love is many things that includes happiness, trust, personal bonding, empathy, attraction, growth, etc., or a very normal, unconditional and REWARDING emotion that can be real with a real person, and once again the Narcissist was nothing even near real. They know about love but they use a “fake love” to grab our trust, take what they wanted, then destroy it all right in our faces and manipulate us back to take more – basic positive and negative conditioning!
So, we fell (were conned) into LOVE. But an unnatural and abusive love is nothing even remotely near a normal love and it comes with a great price. That price is the very truth of the extreme and hideous betrayal that steals away a person’s self-esteem and belief system. We constantly tried to adjust and fix the damaged relationship AND ourselves and in doing so, our Narcissist was just taking the supply they required with their arsenal of tools. Their manipulation, betrayal, control, lies and acting out conditioned us to provide them with supply and they stepped up the game to get the most, if not ALL they could from us OR until they were caught and identified as the abuser they really are and then they tried to destroy us to cover up the abuse. They controlled us to gain power and we gave them power with each and every change or adaptation we made, BUT we also eroded our sense of self-worth and THIS became our normal trying to make this work. We didn’t give them the power to abuse us, we MISTAKINGLY opened our hearts with empathy to make things right and return the relationship back to what we believed was love, but the Narcissist used this as the very vehicle to drive us straight into this fake relationship as well as our own demise. THE NARCISSIST HAD COMPLETE COGNITIVE KNOWLEDGE OF DOING SO because they repeat this cycle many times over with many people and lie to cover it all up!
So now on our part (the normal person in this relationship that believed there was reality, honesty, integrity, love, individuality, AND a real relationship) only tried to follow the natural flow or path of a NORMAL relationship. Unfortunately, what we didn’t know is that we had inadvertently set the stage for Narcissistic attacks and rage when we only tried to express our basic needs in our relationship with them. That is a big NO with a Narcissist because it is always and only about THEM. Like a spoiled child, a Narcissist will act out in rage against ANY individual who is keeping them from getting what they want or constant supply, admiration, adulation and total control over their target. So what that interprets into is ANY individual that has personal needs (or basic individuality) is in direct conflict to the Narcissist’s agenda of complete admiration and adoration. You and I both know that can’t be remotely possible in any given relationship.
During what I call my “processing phase” I thought about all the arguments that seemed to come from nowhere and escalated to an “out of control” status for absolutely no reason. There were never any questions asked, instead there were always accusations from my Narcissist CONCERNING me. I was everything bad or evil, everything mentally ill. I was perverse, having affairs, lying, cheating, stealing and anything else bad that this Narcissist could think up. It was the creative and DESTRUCTIVE mind of a highly-disordered person acting out of their deep seeded pathology. These were really diversions and projections of what this Narcissist was actually doing to me and they were shoved down my throat in an effort for this Narcissist to release from the shame and blame they should HAVE OWNED themselves for these hideous acts. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the knowledge and education to process this as Narcissistic projection and shame dumping, so I processed all of this the best I could and that was by basically shaking my head in complete confusion and trying harder to fix things!
Next it was an attempt to make me feel totally and unequivocally unworthy through making fun of me, triangulating, back-stabbing, isolating, silencing and punishing me. This defines the relationship with a Narcissist, or totally and hysterically dysfunctional with an edge that always serves the Narcissist’s agenda. I reflected many times on some of the Narcissists arguments or statements that now seem so characteristically insecure and childlike to me. It was such a surprise coming from an adult but I justified it and wrote it off as this Narcissist’s “immaturity.” I wanted this Narcissist to be the person I believed the Narcissist to be when my heart assigned itself to loving this Narcissist and somehow I would resolve or justify my own beliefs. If you love them, you will accept them for WHO they are and work with them, time will work to heal all of this and the bigger picture was what was important to me. Too bad I didn’t realize the PSYCHOPATHY behind all of this. REMEMBER there was a great deal of “love bombing” so the Narcissist could gain our trust to get us to believe they were our soul mate that LOVED us – and that created the emotional bond to them. I wasn’t overlooking the obvious because I wasn’t seeing the WHOLE picture or the lies, cheating, betrayal, brain-washing and everything else that is kept so hidden from all of us. That doesn’t happen right away but instead when it is too late and you have formed that strong emotional bond with them AND after they have been subtly gas lighting, manipulating, and conditioning us.
That is, perhaps, the most difficult and devastating outcome of a Narcissistic relationship, mustering up the strength as well as adopting the position to accept that your partner was just pathologically abusive and cruel AND now you must abandon them and the relationship COMPLETELY or ‘no contact!’ It is a difficult and an unnatural process to have to dump the past as completely as you can as well as your emotions, dreams, plans, the family structure (they abandon/abuse their own biological children as well), with all of those years you spent together and the memories that are also fake. IT IS AN ABHORATION of human life as well as human dignity to use/harm/destroy another individual in the manner a Malignant Narcissist does. After you get to your ‘ah ha’ moment or the truth, you are then left with the arduous task of finding yourself again with this monkey on your back.
So here we are with the truth. We have to stand up again and brush ourselves off and start walking forward again and realize our own vulnerabilities in the exchange with this Malignant Narcissist. We believed it was love when it wasn’t, and we are in a place that is called abuse (which is new to the equation) and the journey to recovery must start NOW through this understanding of JUST HOW DISORDERED this partner was to our entire life. Now we MUST go “no contact” because we have educate ourselves with the truth and we have to stop anymore attempts on the Narcissist’s part to abuse us anymore BECAUSE THEY WILL.
Apart from all of that, I live and I love again as an outcome of taking the first step of ‘no contact.’ Now I accept that there are people in this world who represent darkness and evil and I DO NOT allow them anywhere near my life. It is not my place to fix them, make them better or to even tolerate them – but it was my responsibility to learn new boundaries and close any and all of the doors that kept me in such a negative relationship – this is a personal journey for all of us and one we MUST take to recover fully. Life is good without Narcissists/Psychopaths and toxic people that always try to drag us into their negativity and backward world. I also know myself better, I am myself, I love myself, I enjoy life, and find the world a wonderful place to be in. I have good and great relationships. I know that I finally faced the truth and worked through it which included fixing certain parts of ME. I was not a deer frozen in the headlights and stayed in that position dazed forever. I was an adult with many resources and I learned how to use them. I accepted that abnormal people had entered into my life. I accepted that they left damage in their wake and I needed to get them out of my life. Unless you do that, unless you stop blaming yourself, you will never really get out. You will be upholding an image of yourself that someone else created, but not facing the facts and the truth. THIS WAS NEVER ABOUT YOU, instead it was about a Narcissist and predator that unfortunately found their way into your life. Educate yourself and go “no contact” AND educate others once you understand the reality of this abuse and the damage it does to many undeserving and beautiful people. You are amazing and you CAN and will beat this! No/minimal contact always! Greg