The abuse messages from a Narcissist are like an avalanche of so many confusing and debilitating thoughts that leave a target/victim feeling like there is no place to start as far as recovering – but there is once you move on and away from the chaos and allow clarity, knowledge, education, and the truth deprogram those destructive messages.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
Recognizing and understanding emotional/psychological abuse is definitely where we must start. What I mean about this is simply actualizing the truth that we were abused by a personality disordered individual and this was situational. This is a necessary process of validation so we can purge out all of the negativity and feelings of worthlessness that have been forced down our throats and into our conscious and sub-conscious mind from the manipulative control and mind games of a Narcissist. We have to start by having or getting back a healthy relationship with ourselves and STOP beating ourselves up with the repetitive messages that play in our minds that somehow we were the cause of anything that would enable another person to abuse us, we were foolish, or worse yet that we deserved this abuse.
We MUST stop defining ourselves through those negative messages from our abuser and redefine ourselves with new, NORMAL, and positive messages. We have to switch our energy back into ourselves and away from the Narcissist and the abuse we experienced. We need a mental health vacation so to speak so we gain the necessary clarity to start the recovery process. This is a must and what got me to my recovery. My point here is that a strong education and knowledge of this abuse and the personality disordered Narcissist will give you that ‘ah ha’ moment where you see that this wasn’t YOU being crazy, worthless, wrong, bad, obsessed, a horrible person, or any of the negative things the Narcissist described you as. You will also understand that this abuse disabled and traumatized you emotionally and psychologically with extreme manipulation, gas lighting, and YES even brain washing. That is what slowly but surely managed you down to believe the atrocities that the Narcissist accused you of throughout this entire relationship with them and has you feeling so lost, empty, and stuck after the discard or parting from this Narcissist. This abuse can only be described as sadistic and from a severely disordered person that MEANT to inflict this harm onto you.
I can probably recite verbatim how you spend so many of your days feeling so alone and confused about your situation. Days that you probably feel like you just wanted to lay down on the couch and hide from the world. You probably feel such an overwhelming tidal wave of negative emotions flushing through you. These emotions are real because you BELIEVED this was love but what is at the root of this is the psychological abuse that managed you down to feel so worthless now and it is all so conflicting in your head! It is a mix of emotional withdrawal from the relationship ending so abruptly as well as the overwhelming confusion as to why this happened and all the hate that is surrounding you from your abuser. There are no answers at your fingertips just this overwhelming sense of doom. Even though you know you were fighting an uphill battle every day you were with this Narcissist it may still seem very real to you. This all has to be put into the correct perspective so you realize that even though your love was real (to you) it wasn’t real to the person that purposely abused and extorted your love as well as put you into this place that disabled you.
You feel worthless, physically unattractive, anxious, and depression sneaks its way into the equation and you just want to find a way to end all of the pain. Your first thoughts are to contact your Narcissist, but you are guarded and even scheming about how you can make contact without seeming interested JUST TO GET A SMALL CHANCE at some sort of connection and even a reconciliation or SOMETHING to ease this pain. This is just all of your distorted realities that you have become accustomed to from being a prisoner of this abuse with your tormentor, but THIS time it is different because this is the BIG discard. But what sits in the back of your mind is that you have felt like you have been discarded many times before and is it any different this time? Your mind is still locked up in the confusion you only knew throughout your relationship with them. But then the realization sets in that they are off and into another person (supply) and that eats at your soul.
All of this keeps you running in a circle and you are jumping from one distortion to another and never accomplishing anything but adding more to your own grief and more and more levels of confusion to an already confused state of mind. It is exhausting and it feels like there is no way out. You even feel fearful of life in general and lacking a general consciousness of the reality around you. There doesn’t seem to be any relief and you almost feel like you are completely losing your mind and headed straight toward a mental breakdown or even insanity. It is just TOO OVERWHELMING. This is why you have to move on and away from these thoughts and that Narcissist completely. It is your survival and your life at stake now. This is so different from any other breakup you may have experienced in the past (with a normal person) and THAT is the emotional and psychological damage that has been inflicted on you by this Narcissist!
Everything is one huge confusing blur. It is like someone has wrapped you up in layer upon layer of darkness, fear, angst, confusion, depression, anxiety, pain, sleeplessness and everything you have never experienced before. You feel like you are completely disabled. You are forgetful and just don’t seem to care. ALL OF THIS IS TRAUMA from being abused. You probably don’t sleep well and if you do you have nightmares. How do you fix this? How do you get them out of your mind? How do you move forward? Who do you turn to? People listen but they don’t see the severity of the situation! You are reaching out to a world that doesn’t understand how debilitating this abuse is because they don’t see a black and blue mark on your body or a broken arm but the truth is that you are so lost in all of this wondering who you can turn to for HELP! You have been injured but the scars are on the inside where nobody can see them so your abuse is INVISIBLE to everyone but yourself. So is it real or what the heck is going on. IT IS REAL – enough said!
This realization is the MOST DIFFICULT aspect because you must accept what happened and that is so painful because you must internalize this knowledge and act upon it. Here is the thing the real knowledge that they are a Narcissist is basically new to you even though you have suspected that there is something terribly wrong with them. What is new is that you now realize that there is a name to this and you have been abused by a Narcissist and NONE of this is your fault.
The process of recovery is even new and foreign as far as it concerns the help that is available. Our stories are incredulous and people don’t seem to want to hear them, believe them or help us more than a pat on the back. This creature is probably in a new relationship and flaunting it in your face. You are finding out that your good name and integrity has been smeared to the very people that mean the most to you AND GUESS WHAT – some even believe the lying Narcissist because he/she has so much knowledge of your personal world and is now using it against you. THIS NARCISISST IS SAYING THAT YOU ABUSED THEM. You feel like everywhere you turn there is more and more damage, and more and more things you don’t understand BUT YOU WILL.
Could someone be this dark or even evil every minute of every day you spent with them and this was really abuse and using you as supply? Yes, yes, yes and a big resounding YES TO THIS! You feel foolish and even stupid as if you were just that dumb. It is like a snowball that turns into an avalanche and it buries you because it is abuse at so many levels that digging out seems to be an impossible feat. I hated saying the word ABUSE or feeling I was a VICTIM because it described me as being weak. BUT I am here to tell you and now shout it out that I was a target/victim of abuse and it was internalizing this that was my turning point and realizing just how pathetic and perverted this person is to live in this manner, so much so that human life means NOTHING to them. I was not weak but instead I was strong to internalize the truth and move forward with it to recover and so are YOU!
It isn’t just about the emotional attachment (love), now it is about accepting that you loved a monster. Somehow that just doesn’t fix/end the emotional attachment that you built up over time that you thought was real, nor does it help you understand this about face rejection and the hate that is now being spewed out at you. How do you legitimately acknowledge this to yourself, yet alone to the world so that you can find support to get past this? You are frozen in this cycle of abuse and this is exactly where that Narcissist wants you to be or vulnerable so they can escape from the exposure of what they are.
WHY – because they are delusional, toxic, and abusive to ALL people in their world. This works for them because they just don’t care and they lack the internal mechanisms to do so. You only have to ask yourself if you would ever act out against people that love you – even your family, biological children – anyone for that matter. Your answer is NO and the reason why – because you are normal, you love unconditionally and you have empathy. This is totally out of your realm of normality and acceptance.
You will never be able to completely wrap your head around this as in understanding a Narcissist because your empathy will not allow you to EVER acknowledge this, BUT you MUST internalize this to move you to a higher plane. You were always in question of the reality of this relationship but unfortunately the psychological aspect of their abuse brain-washed you to love them and from there you only plugged in the natural aspects of loving another person in a real way and always trying harder – BUT, the ugly truth has finally reared its face as it concerns your relationship with a Narcissist. Education will reinforce what has happened to you and allow you to see that you were not the cause of this abuse. This is a learning process that is laced with emotional anguish and pain but we have to achieve closure and the only way to do so is to reject this Narcissist so completely to allow the truth to repair everything that has been broken in you.
When we seek out the knowledge as well as the support of other victims and survivors that is when we understand that we are not ALONE in what we experienced OR what we are feeling AND there is help out there. The education and knowledge will give you perspective enough to help offset the vast confusion and disabling effects of the abuse and give you a new direction, truth/validation, understanding that you are OK, that you CAN move forward, that there is a name to this as well other people that HAVE experienced this and recovered. The further you walk forward into this knowledge the more you will learn about recovery, who to reach out to, the support systems available, solutions, answers and so much more! YOU are amazing, YOU are strong, and YOU can and will recover from this when you empower yourself with the knowledge that will lead you to the truth of your situation and closure. This is a personal journey and a process that you must commit to because what is at stake is your life, well-being, happiness, and a healthy future where you can and will return to the world again. No/minimum contact to start on your journey! Greg