There are NO ADEQUATE words to describe the feeling of what this abuse does to a good, sane, and loving person of empathy. Let’s understand this in real terms as it concerns what happened to us – and most importantly it was not your fault AND there is nothing wrong with YOU.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
You have been abused. You are a target/victim of abuse. You were systematically targeted, betrayed, and deceived by a disordered human being with a false mask of reality. A person manipulated you into liking them, getting to know them, trusting them and loving them. It was as real to you as it would have been to ANY OTHER human being that started out on a relationship journey. The experience of meeting somebody special and going through the process of dating and creating this relationship WAS NO DIFFERENT than what any other person would experience. BUT IT WAS DIFFERENT because you were being set up for abuse AND the relationship wasn’t REAL in the least bit, not even in the smallest way. It was all lies, a con job, manipulation, and a hideous betrayal.
It was pathological in such an extreme manner that it is just impossible to understand how another human being could be so cruel and abhorrent to lead a basically good, caring, and loving person down a road of psychological abuse that essentially could destroy or damage them for life. This is a feeling that nobody could ever understand – there are NO ADEQUATE words to describe the feeling of what this abuse does to a good, sane, and loving person of empathy. To understand the time that is lost, the EXTREME betrayal, and the experience of feeling worthless AND punished for no other reason than the fact that you were at the wrong place at the WRONG time and chosen by a predator to be their next victim of abuse. It is incomprehensible and takes so much self-reflection, strength, courage, love, and validation and a new journey that we must embark upon to fix ourselves now. Sometimes it doesn’t happen because many targets/victims do not even understand that they have been abused and they are convinced that they were to blame and have issues concerning their mental health because the abuse was PYSCHOLOGICAL RAPE and MEANT to make them feel crazy or even insane. They were intentionally led down this road by a malignant Narcissist and the ABUSE has disabled their healthy mental acuity so they also believe they ARE AT FAULT and live in that confusion and fog forever and NEVER recovering fully!
SAY NEVER! We never, never, never deserved this and most assuredly NEVER, EVER asked for this because of WHO we are. We wonder where our prince/princess charming has gone and WHAT HAS HAPPENED that made this go so wrong because now they are more like Dr. Jekyll and Mr./Ms. Hyde. Well the time has come that we HAVE to move forward and learn about these predators. We have ONE DIRECTION to go and that is forward and now it is time for some education about this abuse. We could only have wished we had known that this was abuse prior to this destructive experience – but how could we have known that this really existed and that there are predators out there like a psychologically abusive Narcissist.
Time to EDUCATE and LIBERATE yourself! Your knowledge will be your success in your start to recovery. Initially it will break the chain of this abuse and the chaos as well as that thinking that we can help them, cure them, use our ‘love’, fix and reverse this, change, plead, bargain or negotiate with this abuser. We quickly realize it is impossible and how the abuser wants us to react to keep us chained up in the chaos of this abuse. We will finally comprehend they have a problem we can’t possibly fix. Malignant Narcissists are masters at their game AND targeting our caring/nurturing instinct as well as capturing us through their fake ‘love.’ If you’ve been attempting to fix this over and over again, STOP and accept the inevitable failure of these attempts and accept the reality that they are what they are (abusive) and there is only one direction and that is OUT of their disordered world and free from them. We have to fix ourselves and right all the wrongs and return back to a real life and the living again.
Now it is time that we have to ‘be real’ about all of this and do damage control to save ourselves, and even our families, friends, career or basically our whole life from this attack AND yes that is exactly what it is. Just like being in war we must create and build a concrete bunker from this point on to protect ourselves from the enemy.
Their personality traits are so deeply ingrained into the cycles of this abuse that they are totally out of control and beyond ANY HELP WE COULD OFFER. They live a perverse lifestyle and have ridiculously bad judgment as it concerns any other human beings or most everything. Add to this that they just don’t care what they do and hurting others is simply part of the process of getting everything they want. They simply don’t care who they hurt, be it their spouse, partner, mother, father, brother, sister, biological children, friend, co-worker and even their pets.
They are not able to be in a close relationship or any relationship for that matter because there is no constraint in their life as it concerns their delusional and destructive actions toward other people and their out of control behavior in general. THEY JUST DON’T CARE and this IS just the truth we must accept to move on and away from them. They lie and betray to manipulate us into believing that they care so they can use AND abuse every aspect of our lives.
We mourn the loss of reality in our life, along with dreams, memories, time together, small laughs and shared experiences. We mourn the loss of our life as if a part of us was suffocated or died from this hideous abuse. Our emotional scars cause us to doubt and question the truth of this ugly reality. We are merely disposable objects to them, and that is incomprehensible to us.
The Narcissist will most certainly react to the use of personal boundaries (or our resistance to their control) but if we are to succeed and break the cycle of this abuse we have to build an impenetrable fortress to keep them out of our lives and heads forever. Violence is always a possibility with a Narcissist so keep this first and foremost in your mind ALWAYS. Be unyielding in protecting yourself with your personal boundaries as well as with your decisions and expectations. This will go a long way in boosting your self-esteem and ending the abuse because you are taking the control away from the Narcissist and back where it belongs with yourself. Refuse to be a target/victim and don’t be a willing participant in your own abuse by ever conceding to this Narcissist ever again.
There is of course pain in the process of moving on but ‘no pain, no gain.’ That seriously is not the best choice of words, but what it means is that within the truth of understanding this abuse many things will become painfully aware to us, things we can’t even start to imagine, but the ‘pain’ will help us ‘gain’ or achieve a higher plane of awareness that seriously will lift you up closer to your goal of recovery – the truth lights the way. In simpler words – or ‘Greg words’ – when we realize the truth in its entirety the awareness I spoke of becomes a real point of contention with us – to describe it in my own words – I was REPULSED by the truth and THAT pushed me so far forward into my recovery.
The process of ‘leaving and grieving’ is emotionally devastating and lengthy. Remember that there are options out there like professional therapy or join a support group to reinforce the fact that you are not alone in this. You are not JUST a victim in this abusive situation, you were targeted. In other criminal offenses, the word premeditated is a word often used to describe an action that was thought out beforehand! Don’t expect other people (no matter how close they are to you) to understand what you have been coping with. Without having their own experiences with disordered partners or Narcissists, they cannot fully understand and they won’t be able to offer the real emotional support you need and yes, it is very disappointing to feel so alone without someone to understand and support you now. Don’t take it personally because you have enough on your plate already and you don’t need to feel abandoned and invalidated any more than what you already are.
Let’s think and talk about your emotions at this point. So, I will say what most every other writer says – YOUR EMOTIONS will be on a rollercoaster ride with so many highs and lows. There will be many times when you doubt yourself, and question the reality of this all and WHY you. You can expect good and bad days, obsessive thinking, and thoughts of revenge, anger and serving justice. This is all part of the process of stirring up all the negativity and essentially externalizing or getting rid of it from our bodies and our lives. Keep a journal it is an amazing tool because it requires a commitment on your part to keep active and stay strong and on track to recover – it is also wonderful therapy. Surround yourself with good and normal people that can make you smile and even laugh.
Let’s talk about the relationship with ourselves because we need to be firm with ourselves too. We need to live in the reality of the situation to heal and move forward or stay in this fog forever. We have to ditch that ‘if only’ or need for closure THROUGH any affirmation from this Narcissist, or that obsessive thinking that keeps us hooked wanting to see what’s happening in their lives. We need to accept the necessity to detach and be strong to resist the urge to reconnect with them. Time is our best friend. If we do have to reconnect with this abuser because of obligations – BUSINESS ONLY!
OK so now we’re faced with ourselves and a big YIKES to this. Our self-esteem is crushed, we feel humiliated, and we are starting out on a journey we never expected we would be on. Out of the ashes comes some harsh reality. We may be ashamed to admit our partners were abusive and mentally disordered or Malignant Narcissists, BECAUSE WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT US. We may find we are care givers or nurturers who give and give until it hurt. Maybe we were naïve and vulnerable and easily deceived because we were at a bad time in our life. We may have addictive behaviors or a very high tolerance for bad behavior, maybe overloaded with beautiful empathy. We may learn we were raised in homes we once thought as normal to find we were preconditioned to accepting bizarre or even addictive behaviors, or we look the other way because we grew up always looking the other way. We may find we have our own minor personality defects or issues THAT WE CAN CHANGE OR FIX.
As we learn about this abuse we will learn a lot about ourselves too. OK so ‘it is what it is’ and now we must move forward by first understanding that no matter what the situation is about us personally NOBODY deserves to be abused and never and I mean NEVER blame yourself for this abuse. This self-reflection is a new opportunity to grow by understanding the process of abuse and by no means a reason or justification for the abuse you experienced. Let it be a guide to help you grow from this terrible experience, and use it as part of the education to create a process to make yourself whole again and strong. Remember if you blame yourself or accept some theory that says you are responsible for this, you are only blaming yourself like the Narcissist did and essentially abusing yourself by saying that you are an unhealthy person and have always been that way and deserved this. Get healthy first – and with a healthy mind you will make the necessary changes and create the healthy boundaries you need.
Wow here is something we must also consider. We are now the lucky recipients of some rare first-hand knowledge of these shape shifters, or flesh and blood human impersonators. We all know that there is no such thing as bad knowledge. Down the road, we do emerge from this experience a lot smarter, more self-aware, and with new and strong boundaries. Be good to yourself and surround yourself with those GOOD people who deserve your special talents, abilities and love. There is a wonderful world waiting out there BUT we have to remember that life is not always about a prince/princess charming being the center of our universe. That is a fable to understand what love could be and it can be – but don’t forget that there are also the fables and stories out there about the monsters that ALSO could be or can be out there too. When you become strong and whole again you will adapt to a life that is somewhere in between the fairy tales and monster stories because a healthy you is the key to life.
What will become one of the strongest esteem building tools in OUR arsenal is the power that comes from removing ourselves from the abuse because “we get it” and we become empowered by the truth and we now create something called ‘healthy silence.’ This healthy silence is called NO CONTACT born out of the NEED to escape the constant chaos as well as separate and distance ourselves physically, emotionally and verbally from a disordered and dangerous Narcissist. Time and distance have a wonderful way of bringing clarity to the situation and the fastest way to heal. These abusers will leave us in the most emotionally crushing way they can because this is what they do! They choose the perfect timing and they inflict great emotional devastation, and they also enjoy doing it. They take what is near and dear to us and crush it as they casually walk away. In time, we realize the relationship was doomed to failure, but we didn’t realize that until now or when it was too late and the damage has been inflicted on our emotional well-being! We will undergo many changes in our ways of thinking about our situations and life in general and a very painful change of our expectations. Basically, we have experienced the nearest thing to darkness that we will ever have the unfortunate and hideous opportunity to ever experience again. You deserve so much more because of the amazing person you really are so find the road back to recognizing those great qualities again so you can rejoin life. Start with No/Minimal contact always. Greg