EVERYTHING is YOUR Fault – There are NO exceptions to the rules – it is always YOUR fault!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
There are many ways that a Narcissist will confound or confuse your thought processes, isolate you, and hold you prisoner without that Narcissist even being in your presence. The Narcissist creates negative messages that trap us in our own heads. Be it raging, accusing, silencing, and distancing themselves from you for days, or whatever chaos they decide to throw your way. All of these methods are hideous forms of abuse to debilitate you/us and make us conform to their rules. They bait us with an argument or accusations, this escalates usually with the Narcissist taking it to a higher level of dysfunction, we are left dumbfounded with their hit and run message, and then they go into the punishment mode by running off or silencing us – we are left in shock or traumatized by the nonsense. LASTLY, we are isolated and left to our own devices especially when we try to rationalize any of this with our own mind.
I was continually accused of being unfaithful (which I was not,) and out of the blue my Narcissist would throw these accusations out at me. “I know you are on every dating/sex site looking to hook up!” “I ran into a friend when I was out and they told me that they KNOW it is you!” Then ‘BAM’ the Narcissist judge sentenced me to 3 days of isolation, confinement, and silencing! The argument escalated without knowing the name of the so-called witness, proof, or the ability for me to speak. I knew the truth as far as it concerned me, but I also knew that when one of these scenarios would arise that my Narcissist was totally irrational and whatever I said or did would only amount to an attack of rage. I was CONDITIONED to accept these insane bouts of accusations and rage as a part of my relationship. What was my rationale in this, or why did I allow the accusations? Well because I couldn’t escape the accusations or the argument or maybe it was temporary insanity from the chaos and crazy making from the abuse? Yes, I also thought my Narcissist was insane at times, but I wanted these behaviors to stop and somehow work through these things so we could get things back on track again. I was the insane one for buying into all of it and trying to apply some sort of rationale to ANY OF IT!
Basically, it was my Narcissist baiting me to create all of this as well as to divert and isolate my thoughts around this ploy AND purely PROJECTION – they call this game ‘bait and switch!’. In my mind, I believed that my Narcissist ACTUALLY believed this and somehow, I had to prove it wasn’t true. That is just monkey crazy now that I look back on it. But in my mind, I justified all of this because I believed in something – the relationship. But I didn’t see the real direction and that this was the devaluation stage or basically the cycle of this ABUSE. Like the saying goes, “I was blinded by the light” or better yet the darkness and I wasn’t seeing what was really surrounding me. Slowly but surely, I was devalued to a place that these arguments became common ground and I had to prove my worthiness. I never realized it was a diversion for this Narcissist to gain some freedom to secure other forms of supply. So, wham, I was tricked into this diversionary tactic, left in silence to sort this all out, and managed down a little more to accept the abuse. THIS became my normal in this relationship and they are shrewd with their tactics! Remember that this is a personality disordered person that is intentionally manipulating your emotions with cruel psychological manipulation that is meant to confuse and disable your thoughts.
The Narcissist’s actions are meant to leave us in a very confused and vulnerable state, one that makes us challenge our own mind and reality and then pull us further into the abuse. You/we throw reality, our intuition, and everything that we know to be true right out the window. Your persona has been eroded by the many mixed messages and confusion that a Narcissist creates and has created (in the past) with so many other situations just like this. A Narcissist sets this all-in motion with purpose and intent. The confusion keeps you frozen in time, vulnerable and blind to the reality that they are managing you down. This is the method to their madness to keep you/us right there with these distorted messages while they are away securing other supply, betraying you, or just using their damaging control on you/us or whatever they have going on. You are left isolated and attacking your own reality through their words and actions. They start the abuse and you finish it by going through the motions of blaming yourself and trying to make sense out of this darkness they left you in. REMEMBER the Narcissist preceded this horrendous managing down (devaluation) with their ‘love bombing.’ In the beginning, we saw it (and still see it) as a viable relationship, but in fact it was part of their agenda to gain our trust first, then objectify us to harvest supply. An object just needs to be what it is, and serve a purpose and if it doesn’t function in this capacity, it is replaced. We aren’t objects so we have to be managed down to become one to serve our purpose for a Narcissist!
Just consider any confrontation (and this is what the Narcissist employs as a tactic) and how we are stressed out when someone in the normal realm attacks us blindly. Perhaps again in the normal world a friend, coworker, or family member, confronts you in a ‘hit and run’ fashion where there is no resolution or closure and you are left dumfounded trying to seek relevancy on your own – it is traumatizing. With a Narcissist, these ‘hit and run’ attacks are consistent and administered regularly and part of their plan. Add the component of your emotions that you more than likely love this person and the situation becomes debilitating because you are bending your emotions to the point of breaking to resolve all of these conflicts. Over time we just end up complying by remaining silent because we know that if we challenge the Narcissist it will only intensify the situation and THAT is our huge mistake. This is what we call walking on eggshells or conforming to their crazy making. To me it was more like walking on broken glass!
Believe me when that Narcissist is off and you are left isolated they are doing what they want to do and they diverted your thoughts to get you to this place of total confusion and anxiety! You are left HAVING to deal with or concentrate on the distorted event without any resolve because there is no resolve to one of these delusional ‘hit and run’ attacks. More than likely they are out there betraying you in some form or fashion, otherwise they would be right there with you provoking more of their crazy making or throwing you a little positive bone to keep you connected. It is an opportunity for the Narcissist to flex their emotional and psychological muscles to control you and manage you down.
On one side of the spectrum there is us believing that there is relevance and reality to the relationship. On the other side is the Narcissist that doesn’t have ANY connection to us emotionally and our relevance is nothing more than that of an object that serves them. To take this a step further we are their 24/7 supply BUT they are securing supply every opportunity that they can and sometimes they need to create space for their freedom. Nobody in the Narcissist’s world has any more relevance than the other. This is the huge con, the one that keeps us connected to them at the hip – and it is a “funny thing called love” to us!
Once the Narcissist plants the diversion seed in your mind you tender it, fertilize it, and allow it to grow. They purposely want to isolate you with their distortions to disable you. Without resolution or their presence, you are only in a debate with yourself. With their distancing and silence, you end up believing that their lack of contact is proof positive that what they have said is real to them and somehow you ARE the problem and you must sort this out with so many distorted thoughts of your own to bring about some sort of reconciliation. They will go as far as adding more insult to your injury if you should attempt to contact them by flatly refusing to give in. They may embellish the situation even more by posting something on a social site as if they are enjoying a great day or perhaps even being with someone you may not even know. It is not unusual for you to look at their social site page because you are in a relationship with them. But once there you see some of the craziest posts, pictures, likes, etc., that are meant to confound you more and reinforce their crazy making. You are now deeper into this and your goal is to fix it at all costs because now it seems to be threatening the relationship completely. You have been completely managed down and believing that YOU ARE THE PROBLEM even when there is no basis or truth to it! Narcissistic terrorism (psychological and emotional abuse) to control you completely! What I was trying to explain is that the Narcissist uses control and fear to a point that you throw normal logic out the window to try to find a cohesive resolution and the Narcissist takes you through MANY steps to get you where you are today with this disabling abuse.
They are only fueling the abuse with their subtle actions and of course the isolation period. Basically, they are leaving you alone with your thoughts that they have directed to manage you down, which only amounts to making you feel silenced, punished, vulnerable and paranoid. They made this real with their OVERT power of negative suggestion that baits you or puts you in a place of blame and worthlessness. You are always being accused or made to feel wrong for everything, none of which is real. You will keep cycling through the events looking for answers where there are none. You will try to relate to every other similar argument or situation and only end up blaming yourself more and more. You will reject your own common sense concerning this and label yourself in many different ways that make you blame yourself because the Narcissist has manipulated you to believe it is YOU that is the problem. Whatever the argument that led up to this you were managed down so many times before to believe that you and your thoughts are distorted – so you believe this.
They are subtle with their words that shift blame onto you but they are powerful enough to set this all-in motion. They have consistently repeated this scenario with you so many times that the message is firmly planted in your subconscious and it always plays back to you with each and every new argument and it now becomes anxiety that turns into fear. That anxiety becomes imprinted in your mind. You haven’t resolved any of these situations and now there are layers upon layers of these messages that shout out to your conscious way of thinking. EVERYTHING is your fault and you must change!
What do you change because everything is born out of their rage and accusations that have no reality, but something is wrong, SO IT MUST BE YOU! In reality you know it isn’t you but SOMETHING is causing the Narcissists to react with all of this disdain. It is your reality now to resolve this and that is what you do by jumping through so many hoops and allowing the dysfunction to FUNCTION. They are out and about without a worry and they are not contacting you and why? They just don’t give a “poo,” but they will be back in a few days full of love and apologies. You know the routine so you will allow this one more time, and one more time after this, and pretty soon you have conditioned yourself to allow this throughout the whole relationship! You just want to get to the part where they say they love you and everything is OK again. BUT IT ISN’T!
Once we educate ourselves to see what the real motive is and how we actualize the blame because we want resolution to end the anxiety and fear, then we finally add the element of truth or reality as it concerns an abusive relationship with a Narcissist. It is these small steps that take you down the road of recovery and releasing from the blame they shoved into your head AND desensitizing the MANY disabling messages that brought you down to the point of feeling so worthless. Education AND no/minimal contact is the only way to realize the truth that this is situational abuse AND NOT YOU as in having anything wrong with you personally! The truth releases you, and then and only then you can leave that Narcissist behind or DISCARD them and start healing! Greg