What defines a ‘relationship’ with a Narcissist – EXPLOITATION! They EXPLOIT your precious human emotions and trust to make themselves seem human and then devalue, abuse and discard you. They use personal information that you reveal to establish a strong foundation to create what seems like an intimate and healthy relationship. They corrupt your trusting and good nature.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
Narcissists are self-serving chameleons that “shape shift” into whatever they need or want to be to serve a specific agenda they have. They do not have genuinely ordered or consistent thoughts, concerns, or ANY moral codes. Morality is relative to their desires at any given moment and they act on all of them. In plain English, they are extortionists and use people by manipulating them to get what they can. They have an uncanny ability to seduce to the point of ‘brainwashing’ others. They are also hypocrites in that they pass judgment on others as well as call them out for negative behaviors, when in fact the Narcissist is overtly guilty of these SAME BEHAVIORS and WORSE! All part of the HUGE mask the Narcissist wears to hide the monster behind it.
This chameleon nature is a façade or their “mask” that allows them to get by or pass as normal in public, but they are cruel, nasty dictators, terrorists, and abusers in their private lives. They often have incredibly dysfunctional and damaged family lives and it is not uncommon for them to have multiple relationships or ‘past’ partners (that they still use as “extra” supply on the side), or ex’s that they harass and stalk relentlessly. Most have a long pattern of cheating on their partners. They are toxic individuals pure and simple and THEY NEVER CHANGE.
Seriously this is all the depth there is to them and this is all we really have to understand about them – BUT unfortunately, they triggered something in us that makes us attached to them at the hip and THAT IS LOVE. They conquered us with this single word (and imitating all of the required actions to support it) so we are right there with them and believing they are real. Because we have real emotions we supported every aspect of this love. They don’t have emotions to support it back with us and this is what fails them AND us. They want what they want, they play the game, but it is short lived because they lack the necessary mechanics to give back. They get bored easily because they feel no human emotions or feelings to connect to us, but they are in it as long as they can fulfill their every need and they exhaust everything we have and then they continue on to the next target/victim. They are protecting themselves from exposure, so combine those two elements (their needs and their extreme manipulation to fulfill them) and this Narcissist becomes a raging lunatic if you should out them or make them accountable in ANY MANNER. They keep up the charade, rages and all, but they throw us a little bone to snare us back once again and then manage us down to make us feel worthless and thus disabling more of our reality. Remember if their true inner self was transparent to the world they would be rejected, writher away and die – so THAT is why they create that GRAND FACADE.
Along with the façade the Narcissist back stabs people continually throughout their disordered life. To them it is control and power over others because they NEED that control because the façade is actually very weak and it is not backed with ANY reality. They will consistently demonstrate their power with back handed and insulting behavior toward others. They will utilize behaviors like talking people down, or making them the brunt of a rude and demeaning joke, making fun of them, totally ignoring or silencing them, being late for important events, simply not attending or walking out of events, avoiding being a team player at all costs, refusing to consult or ask for help and just acting out ON THEIR OWN SELF ACCLAIMED AUTHORITY. There are absolutely NO RULES that they follow, so there is never accountability either – that gets displaced onto us through blame and shame because the Narcissist is the eternal victim of life. THIS is the true nature of what hides behind that façade!
There is no having a real relationship with a Narcissist, you may be in what you believe is a relationship with them, but they are not in relationship with you – you are Narcissistic supply. You are only in their life to make them look good or because you are useful to the Narcissist as an object to satisfy a need. Nothing is ever internalized with a Narcissist like emotional bonds, caring, love or EMPATHY. Their world is totally external and everyone is objectified like a shiny new car that the Narcissist drives/wears to make them look however special they feel they need to be. Their image is a fake aspect of their chameleon like nature – and it constantly changes just like the chameleon changes its colors to blend into an environment. This is what we have to understand so totally so we can completely break that belief in them – you know the one the Narcissist conned you into believing that they were real.
SO – a little bit more about what they really are and really do. The Narcissist constantly violates boundaries albeit physical, emotional, and mental. They follow no rules in life, or respect human dignity/rights, or adhere to any written laws. They will make decisions that are not theirs to make and they will assume that they have the right to use, borrow, or take/steal anything that belongs to others. Ownership is their birthright or so they feel because they are above the normal order of life. They will violate your standing with figures of authority in an effort to cause trouble/destruction or just to “one up” you. They are truly extortionists and they take everything and anything they can get their hands on. BUT remember this chameleon camouflages itself with CHARM – so they get away with virtual murder because they have been doing this all of their lives and they are just that good at it. The people that know the truth about them are mostly their targets/victims – the rest become their minions at some useful level that they charm into believing just how special they (the Narcissist) are AND the minions will protect the Narcissist’s lies and disordered life – they are the enablers of their abuse.
Every target/victim or mental health professional will say the best way to cope with a Narcissist is to get as far away from them as you can, and as fast as you can and firm it up with NO CONTACT. So, the next AND very important step is that you MUST come to the realization that your intuitions that ‘something is/was wrong’ is the reality or truth about your relationship with them. That will open the door to all of the truth that they are disordered and not fully functioning human beings. Narcissists are excellent manipulators and they will brain-wash or can convince you that IT IS YOU, and not them that has the problem and everything is your fault AND you have abused them. That is a tactic called diversion to put the blame onto YOU! Remember they are convincing other people that it is you that is the disordered and bad person – this is part of their escape from being exposed.
You must also completely educate yourself about this personality disorder to get your ‘ah ha’ moment or you will be pulled back into the abuse with more of their lies and manipulation. Block their Narcissistic behaviors and completely ignore them and remove any Narcissistic supply that they are getting from you. They hate to be ignored, and will move on to someone else for new Narcissistic supply. They CAN and will blind sight you with crazy making and chaos and you will spend your entire life in a dance with the Narcissist until one day you wake up and you have lost sight of who you are and where your life has gone. Don’t try to reason with them because they simply refuse to confront their own behaviors or acknowledge that they have ANY problem at all. Communication with them will only create a frenzy of crazy making that will create more negativity and chaos because they live this way. You can’t rationalize with a Narcissist because where there is no reality there is no truth. Lies are the tools they utilize which are always meant to harm others and disguise their real disordered nature.
Lastly, you must Identify and build strong personal boundaries against the Narcissist or they will continually violate you. These boundaries MUST include emotional, mental, and even physical boundaries, and the boundaries MUST be strong, enforceable, and completely leak-proof. Just say no to their managing down and emotional abuse and they will become powerless!
There are situations where you HAVE to deal with a Narcissist – especially if you have children together, or they are a family member. So, to cope with a Narcissist effectively you must be able to differentiate between reality and normalcy that is YOU AND YOUR REAL LIFE as compared to the constant drama, chaos and crazy making that orbits around the Narcissist constantly. You must consistently validate your own personal existence and morals, and hold on to yourself with a firm grip, never allowing the Narcissist to drag you back into the abuse by violating and controlling your emotions, thoughts, or behaviors like they have ALWAYS done. If you don’t, they will eat you alive and drag you back into the abuse with their vast array of manipulation, lies, betrayal, brain-washing and essentially psychological ABUSE!
In the end, you will realize that there was absolutely nothing you gained from your relationship with a Narcissist except getting your freedom back to live a normal and healthy life again. Your empathy and emotions connected you to them at the hip – we call this “love” in a normal relationship, but unfortunately there was not even an ounce or shred of normalcy/reality in our association with them. It was a master of deception extorting every aspect of our life mentally and physically.
It will always reside in the back of your mind that somehow a monster got into your world and almost devoured you completely, as well as the fact that they still exist out there with their minions, flying monkeys or whatever we want to call the people around them that SUPPORT their abuse. None of them are worth the battle of lies and deception that will yield as the result of confronting any of them directly. They absorb the negativity that they create around them and it energizes them and then they feel powerful. They enjoy inflicting harm/destruction onto others. In my case KARMA is doing what it needs to do because the people that meant anything to me are still here and surround me with love and protection. The people that need chaos, lies, belittling, chaos, crazy making, etc., are there with the Narcissist where they belong and they mean nothing to me and have no effect on my life. There is no beautiful life that surrounds a Narcissist, only lies, illusions, delusions, and chaos – all at the cost of the ‘others’ that have any unfortunate connection with them. BE VERY THANKFUL that you are away from the abuse and learn about who you are again, because you are an amazing person that can and will survive this psychological terrorism or attack from this monster. Stay NO CONTACT at all costs and LOVE again. A Narcissist will ALWAYS take you or any person from that CHARM to HARM but always remember that ‘After Narcissistic Abuse – there is Light, Life and Love!’ Truly there is when you empower yourself with the truth. No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg