My favorite list: The “Ah Ha” quiz! Do any of these statements define you, or have you experienced any of the following?
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
1. You always seem to feel physically tense, anxious, some aches and pains, stomach ache, fast heart rate, difficulties breathing and fatigued.
2. You never seem to know what to expect at any given moment on any given day with this PARTICULAR person. You feel like everything is about to turn upside down, even if you have a nice day planned. You just never know if some small thing is going to turn into an argument, or you will be raged at, made fun of, or silenced and punished. Your husband, wife, friend, partner, brother, sister, father or mother is seemingly caring and considerate one moment and then coldly dismisses you the next moment with no warning and no justification.
3. You have developed a severely damaged sense of self-worth and self-esteem and always seem to be second guessing yourself or your worth in every situation with this person.
4. EVERYTHING seems to have a negative spin attached to it. How you cook, how you clean, a gift you give, what you wear, your friends, your job, and your looks – everything is a TARGET FOR NEGATIVE COMMENTS.
5. You have had prolonged bouts of depression and anxiety. You seem to cycle in and out of these periods of depression and anxiety and this seems to be in direct correlation with the chronological time you have spent with this person.
6. You begin to doubt your own existence and your sense of reality as if somebody has kidnapped your spirit.
7. You experience lack of sleep for prolonged periods of time.
8. You feel as if you are not a real person in your relationship, more like a pet that is trained to do tricks like jumping through hoops, or go fetch, etc.
9. You feel as if you are not allowed to voice your own thoughts and opinions or you will be put in your place, raged at and even punished. Your individuality is smothered out by this person.
10. You feel it is an enormous struggle to be heard or acknowledged as an individual.
11. You feel that every problem in your relationship is somehow your fault and you are always blamed and shamed for everything.
12. You have experience exaggerated feelings of guilt and shame.
13. You are always drawn back into trying to fix or relate to him/her even though you only experience pain/blame/shame in doing so. It becomes a vicious cycle that seems to only get worse.
14. You feel trapped as if in an impossible situation, unable to find a way out.
15. You feel as if you have to fight all the time and are worn out and exhausted or basically forced into a corner all the time.
16. You are confused constantly with racing thoughts, as if you are losing your mind trying to find some sort of peace.
17. You feel as if you are surrounded with negativity. Everything you do, everything you say is met with some sort of comment that negates you or an action you do.
18. Arguments seem to appear out of nowhere.
19. You are made to feel physically ugly and mentally unstable with words or actions from this person.
20. You feel like you are going insane, or better yet pushed to believe you are insane by actions that are not you like forgetfulness, missing items, etc.
21. You feel isolated as if friends, family workers or even co-workers are not there for you as they use to be.
22. You are raw with emotions none of which make any sense to you anymore – but you know this feeling all too well anymore. Your thoughts may not even be clear enough at this point to understand that something is terribly wrong with you because you are always in a fog and basically DISSABLED. You are probably thinking of ways to “fix” the relationship AGAIN. Perhaps you may know that the situation is just not right but you are even willing to “fix” him/her, but at what cost to you? You may even be getting ready to crawl back to your partner, but you know the drill so well because it is like a reoccurring dream where you are screaming and can’t be heard or trying to run and you aren’t able to move.
YES, to all of the above and more in my situation – and now that I can look back on it all and compare TODAY to being stuck in this desperate and disabling relationship I am repulsed by what this person did to intentionally control and harm me. Was I blind, stupid, foolish, wrong or what? How about this – if I was clear about the truth at the time I was with my Narcissist, I wouldn’t have stayed one minute longer – so let’s just say a Narcissist is just that good at deception/manipulation and leave it there – most everyone here will understand this completely. BUT – today I feel alive again, I love again, I feel happiness, am my spirit has returned and why — because I am no longer connected to this Narcissist in any manner and life became real again. What is the coefficient here? I was in a relationship with a Malignant Narcissist.
Throughout my relationship, I knew that the person I was ‘with’ wasn’t emotionally well, I just didn’t know how unwell AND unfortunately how emotionally unwell I had become for even wanting to continue and staying in this toxic relationship. I was blind sighted by the ‘love bombing’ and believing the “woe-be-me” stories/excuses in the beginning which are the most dangerous of the tools a Narcissist uses to trap and disabe their target.
For those who have been through it, I don’t need to explain any of this. It just didn’t make any sense to me! It was like something inside of them is/was wrong, injured, or whatever (rotten.) Unfortunately, I believed it could be healed or fixed and I kept applying “bandages” in an attempt to fix something SO unseen, so deep and damaged that I couldn’t even begin to understand it yet alone fix it. I WAS TOTALLY BLINDSIGHTED by the abuse. These are not harsh words but the reality that defines anyone that would act out in this manner.
Empathy, caring and unconditional love can cure many things, but offering it to a Malignant Narcissist would be like throwing gas on a fire with the hopes to extinguish it. They are not there for love by any means and that defines the abhorrent truth of what they are, or someone that would scheme, manipulate and brain-wash another into believing they had something that was as real and wonderful as “love” to use to debase, dehumanize and destroy them. A Narcissist is into you only as much as what it is that YOU have to offer and they can take without EVER giving anything in return. OUR downfall in this is that we buy into this abhorrent relationship with them – BELIEVING in them and ending up ABUSED! Yes, that was our crime, believing in them.
Normal in my relationship was basically achieving ONE SINGLE DAY without some sort of incident where I was blamed, shamed or punished AND RAGED at – and it was delusional or unreal. A GOOD day simply meant that my Narcissist was still there and we achieved a complete day without an incident. What was so hidden behind all of this was the reality of just what was there with me, a very VOLATILE and disordered human being that got off on hurting and punishing me. An argument (out of nowhere) would always end up with 3 days of silence and punishment, as well as the opportunity for this Narcissist to constantly cheat with anything/everything that said yes. This sounds incredulous but it is the real truth! UNFORTUNATELY, the truth isn’t apparent when we need it to be because they are PRO’s at this game and more than likely we are totally unaware of the many indiscretions and betrayals. Add to this that we tend to view the world in a NORMAL or reality based manner, and within that thought process I NEVER thought another adult was capable of doing the things this person did to me and my family. It is like the iceberg theory, what you see above the water is MINOR compared to what is beneath the water! My intuition was always on high alert but why I didn’t listen to myself all falls within the process of being manipulated so thoroughly and completely OR abused by a Malignant Narcissist. There is no cure for them, nor can we heal them, nor can we offer them unconditional love and hope that they see the light. There is no light in their world because it is completely dark and empty. We MUST know and accept the truth and move on and away from them completely – that is the ONLY viable solution to ending the abuse so we can start on a recovery program and become healthy again. Please take these words seriously because the reality and truth becomes so much clearer when you are finally free from the chaos, destruction or abuse. That clarity is what starts you out on your road to recovery and freedom – and that can ONLY be accomplished by stopping the madness by getting away. No/minimal contact! Greg