Try as you may or have – nothing could have ever been right in this relationship with a Narcissist because there never was a relationship there to begin with.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
Narcissists are a vast and empty void. They cannot sit down and experience a normal or real moment, a memory, or a connection to real happiness within themselves or reflect about their life because there is nothing there to reflect upon, only envy of a real life and people AND what they can’t achieve. Their inner world is angry, dark and lacks complete empathy. They don’t have any internal mechanisms to bond, love or care about anybody so instead they focus on AND feed their eternal neediness and pathological nature through extreme manipulation to fill that void with external stimuli OR those fleeting moments of Narcissistic elation. They seriously are like a three year old that has many toys all around them, playing with one or the other without a care, always wanting a different or a new one, and throwing a tantrum if they can’t have what they want, but even when they get what they THINK they want they are never completely happy with just one toy!
One of the most obvious signs of a malignant Narcissist is the way they constantly malign others. They are also constantly embellishing, remodeling, redeveloping, and improving their own image at someone else’s expense through their acts of back-stabbing, one-upping, triangulating, smearing, putting others down, constant negativity, betrayal, lies, extortion, etc. We must ALWAYS consider in every relationship that love should never hurt a person nor take them down a road of destruction like it does with a Narcissist or abuse. Ultimately love can make us sad when we lose a loved one but that is the reality of unconditional love when someone near to us is suffering, or we lose them completely, that is more or less grieving a REAL connection between two normally functioning people. Abuse at the hands of a Narcissist is emotional and psychological abuse MEANT to intentionally harm and damage a target/victim that the Narcissist has chosen as their prey, and it by no means is anything near a conventional and loving relationship. Real love grows and doesn’t diminish another person’s spirit. Always remember that the love that you felt for this person was as much a part of the psychological abuse (love bombing) as was the devaluation stage. These were the tools of the Narcissists trade like the brain-washing, extreme manipulation, gas-lighting, pathological lying, hideous betrayal, many sexual partners, etc., or the cycle of abuse with a Malignant Narcissist. This TRUTH is what will set you free and able to start on your road to recovery!
Narcissists manipulate in a manner to control their target by always reacting in a very demeaning, debasing, dehumanizing and perverted manner to everything – this is chaos and crazy making meant to confound and divert their target’s normal thoughts. This can be very evident at times, because it is a downright shocking and we have all been there shaking our heads in total disbelief at what they have said, done to us, or acted on. It can also be the very subtle day to day things or the many small manipulative and dehumanizing actions that disassemble the target/victims well-being slowly and methodically. BUT it is so perplexing that people actually disbelieve their very ears and more than often we dismiss it and justify it by thinking it is anger, a bad day, insecurity, jealousy, or they have some wrong information about us – BUT it is constant and consistent behavior meant to debase us. Unfortunately we spend our time trying to fix the situation, make it better, and avoiding the truth that this is just one of their tools in their vast arsenal of control and ultimately ABUSE. Little by little this behavior erodes the target/victims self-worth and creates an almost obsessive situation where the target/victim is constantly trying to avoid the conflict, keeping things peaceful, and walking on eggshells. There is never the opportunity for a “healthy self” in this relationship and you become a casualty of the constant psychological terrorism or abuse – essentially you become a shell of a person.
You can’t have reality in a situation where there is none, especially a situation that is constantly embellished with toxic and chaotic behavior that constantly pushes your buttons, plays with your emotions and takes you down to your lowest level. The Narcissist will ultimately step up their game of their abuse with betrayal, perhaps sexual indiscretions, pathological lies, gas-lighting, etc., but again this starts out as a slow and very ambiguous abuse. Unfortunately it disables the target/victims capacity to function normally within the relationship and then it is too late because the target/victim is somewhere between that emotional connection (love) and the vast confusion caused by the debasing and dehumanizing psychological warfare and blaming themselves, trying to fix the situation, looking for relief, feeling fearful, hurt, depressed, anxious, etc., etc.
Targets/victims are unaware that they have been living in what can only be compared to as an active battle zone. Most are unaware what Narcissistic Personality Disorder is or that it is a highly effective and debilitating abuse from a predator. Victims of Narcissistic abuse will over time display strong symptoms of trauma, avoidance behavior, loss of interest, feeling detached, sense of a limited future, sleeping or eating difficulties, irritability, hyper-vigilance, easily startled, flashbacks, hopelessness, physical illness, self-harming, and even thoughts of suicide. Targets/victims express deep seeded feelings of worthlessness, humiliation, shame, and self-blame. They have been conditioned to take responsibility for the Narcissist’s despicable behavior because they are constantly told they are the source of every problem and everything is their fault but yet they want to support, defend, and love the Narcissist despite what they have gone through. It almost becomes an addiction because abuse creates a toxic and unhealthy environment which in turn creates an unhealthy mind for the target/victim. The psychological abuse creates this unhealthy pattern of pleasing the Narcissist or ‘walking on eggshells’. Basically the target/victim becomes totally dependent on the Narcissist or what may seem like being addicted to them. The reason behind this is that the silent threat of abuse is always present with the debasing and dehumanizing and it is just too painful for the target/victim AND an automatic coping mechanism against overwhelming stress. The Narcissist has conditioned the victim to always feel disconnected.
In turn we avoid the pain because it is so deeply engrained in us and that it is all a target/victim knows from the daily emotional abuse, so like the addict we look for relief from ANY fix or the hope that things could turn back to the way they were or back to that cohesive relationship – unfortunately it never will. That love we believed in was just a huge con job that we believed was real, and the Narcissist focused on making us believe as if they were a real participant in the relationship – just want con artists do. Unfortunately the Narcissist used a strong emotion (love) to gain our trust and gain entry into our heart, mind, and life.
This abuse is NOT limited to ‘love’ relationships only. Narcissists can be family members like a mother/father, brother/sister, boss/co-worker, friend/relative or anyone for that matter. Targets/victims are often victimized by more than one person as well because they have only learned or known this dehumanizing abuse for a very long period or all of their lives especially if they are a child of a Narcissistic parent. They internalize an abusive message that there is something is wrong with them and that they deserve this kind of abuse, and then resign themselves to their fate and sometimes all throughout their lives. Targets/victims may not reach their potential in their personal or professional lives because they always have to stand in that dark and ominous shadow of their abuser(s) – and that is all they have ever known in the case of Narcissistic parents. They learn to live in the shadows without knowing why – and that why was born out of the debasing control from abuse at the hands of a Narcissist.
Victims of Narcissistic abuse often appear uncertain of themselves, constantly seeking clarification that they haven’t made a mistake, misheard something, or done something wrong. Their confidence becomes so low that they have trouble making simple decisions, questioning and re-questioning things to make sure they get it right. This is a result from the emotional and psychological abuse used by Narcissists to erode their self-esteem, instill confusion and anxiety in their victim to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment – basically they have no self-worth. Gradually, the target/victim will NOT trust their own perceptions and doubt themselves completely. This more than often also induces depression and anxiety – two separate issues that will have to be dealt with as well as the ‘other’ consequences of this hideous abuse.
The target/victim is totally broken and unable to trust their own perceptions in life (the ones we take for granted as just knowing what to do in life, etc.,) so they isolate themselves because life is just too confusing and they fear it. The victim now doubts most everything about themselves, their thoughts and opinions, their actions, their ideas and ideals. Ask yourself here and now if you are experiencing this, maybe it is a feeling of hopelessness, fear, confusion, or just an abnormal sense of life, one where you feel very alone and without a real objective to change or fix this situation by moving on – or feeling stuck in life. Targets/victims will become co-dependent on the abuser for their reality and the Narcissist loves this because that is their goal – TOTAL CONTROL of your thoughts and actions and they are at the steering wheel driving this abuse full forward. Who does this but a highly disordered human being with a dark agenda? Who could take, steal away or destroy any portion of another person’s life for any reason yet alone the agenda of a highly disordered Narcissist that is basically driven by their own envy, hate AND an extortionist as well that wants everything they can take from another human being and life.
No relationship ever ends in such a shroud of hate and destruction as one that ends with a Narcissist. They annihilate every aspect of the relationship, the person, their life, their family, their friends AND basically everything in a manner to completely disable you/us. Every action and word that comes from a Narcissist is a bizarre and sadistic attack on your personal reality. It takes you from the goodness and normality that you have had all of your life to a dark place where you now have feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness because EVERYTHING you do is wrong and you are basically worthless. Even after separation from a Narcissist, the abuse lives on because like a poison it has entered into every cell in your body and in the case of a Narcissistic abuse the poison destroys the mind and reality of their target/victim! This is the truth we must know and accept so we can dispel all of the blame and shame from being in this relationship and from there we can move forward to recovery. YES we must get this and move on without reliving it over and over again. Remember this was NOT your fault, nor are you worthless, a bad person, mentally ill, obsessed, scorned or any of that garbage – YOU are a good an amazing person that was emotionally and psychologically abused and it is time to move on and back to a healthy and real life! No/minimal contact! Greg