You are always EXPLAINING yourself and reacting to the Narcissist’s many attempts to keep you under their control – then you adapted in a damaging way to become functional where there was no real function for you in this relationship because it was a desperate love that you were conditioned into believing you didn’t deserve because there was something wrong with YOU!

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com

Psychological and emotional abuse is any judgement, from ANY source, that humiliates, undermines and paralyses you. People do have the right to undermine your human worth or dehumanize you through a personal attacks. If you think about your abuse with a Narcissist, this was a slow and insidious day by day and CONSTANT manipulation of your character by the Narcissist. It was mixed with love and you were thrown a little bone now and then, but that was only to pull you back into the abuse and managed down more or conditioning. It was a horrendous manipulation of your mind, character and integrity by a disordered person. They are the disordered or sick one here and not you.

 

It is almost impossible to list the many damaging effects of emotional and psychological abuse and what it does to a normal, good, and loving person that is full of empathy. Among some of the most common reactions to this abuse are overwhelming feelings of loss, helplessness, hopelessness, feeling worthless, confusion, anxiety, depression, exhaustion, fear, isolation, and fear of the here and now. These are extremely overwhelming and overpowering to the victim of emotional/psychological abuse. When you are experiencing abuse or living in it you can’t clearly see or understand the truth because the abuse completely diverts you from living in a healthy reality! It also changes or distorts your perspective of life. I couldn’t see what was happening to me because the abuse distracted me from seeing the truth.

 

Abuse, at its very core, is really a horrific, powerful and manipulative lies – but the sad reality of this abuse is that the lie seems to be the truth, and the truth is the lie. That gross manipulation of the truth is a revolving and constant thought process directly related to the agenda of the abuser! But once you recognize and accept that there is abuse in your relationship the first powerful transformation takes place – or the TRUTH of your situation and the door to recovery/healing starts to open up. But beyond a doubt, it is easier to heal from the abuse if the relationship ends and no/minimal contact begins to completely stop any more negative messages or manipulation from adding more levels to the already existing damage. I wouldn’t be where I am today as a survivor if I still carried my abuser’s daily manipulative words and sadistic actions on my shoulders and in my mind. Think of recovery as empowering yourself with the REAL truth to now make healthier choices for your well-being and becoming a viable individual again. The world is yours to conquer without all of those horrible monkeys on your back from the abuse.

 

So the biggest and most distorted lie all starts out with the Narcissist being profoundly charming, caring and loving. They are doing this because it serves them or you have something they want which can lead to the huge ‘love bombing’ lie. By achieving a platform of trust you open up your heart and soul to the Narcissist. The rest of the lies appear when the Narcissist’s mask slips and suddenly, they become totally unreliable and negative about everything that has to do with YOU. Promises mean nothing at all, that amazing love means nothing, or friendship means nothing (depending on the type of relationship) AND all because there was NOTHING there to begin with! That is the basis of this abuse or the disabling lies at every level of the relationship to keep you managed down or controlled as well as the Narcissist’s phony façade to gain your trust to enter your head! EVERYTHING is a lie to support that façade!

 

Through the course of the abuse you were targeted by many ‘attacks’ and at every level of your core beliefs. Be it the VERY blatant and ugly assertions or accusations about you that completely made you lose your balance (like you are having an affair) or simpler ones to just consistently rattle you or undermine your well-being and catch you off guard and keep you in that eternal fog of confusion. Then there can be the accusations designed to make you feel guilty not for something you are doing, but something you are NOT doing. These arguments make you feel obligated and reduce you to feeling GUILT and the belief you have to change something about YOU. That is the Narcissist being a martyr with embellishments that insist you don’t love them anymore, etc. These can be used to cover their backsides when accountability comes into question like where they were the night before. They guilt you to divert from the truth by saying that they can’t believe you would accuse them of something so horrific. You feel the desperate need to FIX the situation and reassure them that you do love them as well as telling them you are so sorry and then try to make the Narcissist feel good. The Narcissist killed two birds with one stone, got away with some horrendous betrayal and had YOU apologizing to them. The bottom line is that you are always EXPLAINING yourself and reacting to the Narcissists many attempts to keep you under their control.

 

All of these situations are just variations of manipulative lies that distort your reality. When it comes to the raging attacks, that is angry projection though or the bully Narcissist. The Narcissist is deliberately attacking you with the objective of achieving CONTROL through fear and anger or basically maneuvering you into a conflict situation. The Narcissist wants to create an argument but also wants to be able to blame you for it afterwards. None of this is based on any sort of reality as it concerns you or something you have done and usually something the Narcissist has done to dump their shame onto you through projection. Again the agenda is always about managing you down in some form or fashion!

 

After this relationship ends there will be psychological, emotional, as well as personal issues that you will have to deal with. This abuse is not just about the horrendous things your abuser did to you because that is now the past and the abusive aspect. What you are having to face are the things that you unfortunately allowed to happen that have changed many of your perspectives concerning your belief system, thought processes, your worth, your mind and your heart. Now hear me out that this is not saying you accepted the abuse, you adapted in a damaging way to become functional where there was no real function for you in this relationship because it was a desperate love that you were conditioned into believing you didn’t deserve because there was something wrong with YOU! The abuse manipulated you and managed you down in such a manner that it basically brain-washed you as well as traumatized you in the process of trying to achieve a cohesive or loving relationship. You were reacting to the fear of loss that was imposed on you to conform or be forced out by the Narcissist. It doesn’t define you as weak, a fool, dumb or any of the above it is just a fact of what this abuse does. With all of that said what we are left with is a deep inner introspection we have to deal with or the process of becoming healthy again. The important thing here is what you will come to realize is that you have the ability to change and move forward after this abuse. Please trust me on this.

 

There are many internal messages that the abuse has imprinted on your mind and those messages are what are making you feel worthless, the problem, perhaps believing you have mental health issues, and many more things that are basically disabling your perception or the healthy reality you once had. These certain changes that took take place over the course of the abuse must be undone so you can become the person that you want to be, or the person you were before the abuse.

 

This abuse doesn’t stop the very day you walk away from a psychologically and emotionally abusive partner. It more than likely may continue to affect you long after you are out of the relationship until you completely educate yourself about this abuse or what psychological and emotional abuse is! It is unfortunate that you and I have had to experience this and are left disabled and damaged by our abuser BUT we can’t allow it to affect and destroy the remainder of our life by staying imprisoned with these thoughts. You were an amazing person before the abuse and you are going to be more than that when you recover and become a survivor with new boundaries and a new perspective when you get back to life and living again.

 

Remember this as well as internalize this message. This abuse keeps you hyper focused on the past by only viewing the present and the future through the negative perspective of the abusive relationship or those negative messages that were forced into your head and heart by this Narcissist. When you’re in an emotionally/psychologically abusive relationship, the Narcissist always reminded you of everything you have ever done wrong and basically told you that you will never change and you are basically worthless. They do this with the constant managing down with something new or old and remind you of it constantly – but in reality it does NT define you by any means. There was never much that was ever directed at you in a positive manner either, instead everything you did was devalued where you continually strived to do better in response to the devaluation and that became your normal with them. What did this make you feel like? Worthless! Basically it is the devaluation stage of the abuse and that is where these negative messages became imprinted on your mind! It is insidious and sadistic or dehumanization of a human being and situational or an outcome of the abuse.

 

Psychological and Emotional abuse basically brainwashes you into accepting whatever negative things your abuser said about you as real or your reality and worth as a person. They make you so vulnerable through the devaluation process that it confuses AND disables your reality which in turns undermines your own opinion of yourself AND then you believe they must be right because they are so relentless and angry about these so called things you do. The Narcissist is HEAVILY invested in their agenda to devalue you so they can maintain their power and control over you! Their attacks are traumatizing and debilitate the spirit and life of the victim of this abuse. No/minimum contact to end the abuse! Greg —

Posted on February 2, 2017, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. Who is the narcissist? There was a , man going through a divorce. A woman friend of his offered to help him while he was depressed. She was in her mid 30’s, never married, never in a serious relationship, never even engaged, and highly promiscuous. He had been married to his best friend for over 11 years. He had come from a happy home, educated, close family. She came from an abusive home, father neglectful and abusive, mother an alcoholic and sister left her to get away from her.

    After one month of caring for him, the woman professed her love for him and seduced him. He, only two prior lovers in his 37 years, was awestruck. This woman, an angel in his time of need, this beautiful woman had fallen in love with this wrecked man. He could do nothing but obey her. Within eight months she demanded he propose to her. He had not even been divorced for a year, but he loved her and her friendship was important to him.

    Before they were married, on New Years eve, she got intoxicated and wanted to have sex. He, a teetotaler, was not turned on by her intoxication, so he declined and hoped to just go to sleep. She then began a string of vulgar profanities at him that was completely inappropriate. She started to push him, but he left her alone and slept in another bedroom. The next day he said that he needed to rethink the relationship.

    Eventually they got back together again and she promised she would not get intoxicated. They got married and tried for a child right away. First, a miscarriage. Very devastating. But they loved each other and tried again. A beautiful baby girl was born. During that first month, she got so angry at him that she pushed him, punched him, in front of his mother and aunt who were helping with the care of the child, because his family was close. Her mother, who lived in town, hardly came by to do anything. Then she kicked in the door with the window panes and suffered a severe cut.

    Everyone who knew her before they were married asked him, “How do you deal with her anger?” That’s what her sister even said to him. His answer was always “I lover her.” But when he was suffering from a rare disorder and almost died, she had cursed him and threatened to topple a bookcase on top of him because she was angry that he was so lazy. He had no strength to carry his baby girl from being able to bench press 365lbs. Later that year, his health recovered, she became angry and attacked him as he held the baby. He ran to the nursery and locked the door to protect himself. She kicked the door in. Broke the frame. Police were called, but he lied and said she would not calm down. They tried marriage counseling but her anger issues went untouched.

    They did love each other and worked to express her feelings in a healthy manner. Eventually they had another child, after another miscarriage. Then it happened again.She attacked him again over a trivial matter, but the older girl, she would remember this one. The wife, She, now realized that she had a serious issue. She was diagnosed and prescribed medication. The next five years were great, with normal couple issues. Off and on, she expressed problems with alcohol, but she was a vibrant, healthy person. They supported each other in good times and bad. He was in a car accident and needed surgery, but they were happy.The children prospered. A close family. He worked short hours, as possible, to be home to see his children and spend time with them.When she was tired, she asked him to watch the children, which he did without question. If she wanted a girls night out, no problem. He didn’t want a guys night out. He wanted to be with his family.

    His family was the most important thing in the world for him. All his money goes for them. Not in the sense of toys or a large home, but in college education and life insurance. Everything about the present time and the future. Then came the past year. She wanted to be closer and have a better relationship. He was also wanting more from her. So they worked at it. Each month, speaking to each other in love and honesty, arguments were set aside so forgiveness and reconciliation reached. Not perfect, but it was the best year they ever had together. The second half of the year created opportunities for more intimacy, more time together enjoying each other and laughing. A great appreciation of the blessings of the great children they had and the love they enjoyed. That is, until something happened.

    By the end of the year, she had expressed a remarkable loving expression. He expressed his joy at this in a celebration of their love. It was truly amazing. The next night though, after a fun time at a party, something changed in her. He had let his guard down because of the amazing times they had done. He forgot that he still needed to be careful. She did something unusual and he was perplexed, so he questioned her about it, instead of ignoring it. Once the children were in their presence, she cursed at him in a vulgar and old way. He was unprepared for this vicious attack. If they were alone, he may not have acted the way he did. He regrets his weakness at that moment. But he yelled at her in a manner that surprised him. His children were scared, as he has never yelled like that. His pain and sadness were profound, But he knew what was going on, but too late. He yelled at her: “Don’t speak to me like that. I deserve respect.” The children ran to him and hugged him. They knew something was wrong with their father. And as they hugged him, he immediately calmed down, and apologized for the yelling. He apologized to them and his wife. But her rage, something he has not seen in a while, made her just repeat what he had said, as if what she had done meant nothing.

    Now throughout the years, she would have minor anger expressions: name callings, pouting, and at times yelling. They learned when she was in these moods they would de-escalate the situation by becoming invisible and doing whatever she wanted them to do. So when she became angry that evening, they became like ghosts, left her alone to avoid her anger. The children always run when she yells or ignore her. It was a common theme. But there would be more. The next night, after being left alone by her husband, she went out with a friend, drank, came home. The kids were avoiding her as she was still in a foul mood, and he also avoid her as she was still not speaking to him. He was in the back room, watching t.v., the kids were in one of their bedrooms waiting for her to go to sleep so they could sleep with the father in the master bedroom.

    She was walking though the front living room when she picked up a chair and smashed the Christmas tree, breaking many ornaments. When the other three showed up, she was still in a rage, with her nostrils flaring like a caricature of a cartoon. He had not seen that face in five years. Long story short, he had to call the police twice so she wouldn’t harm herself or the rest of the family. She went after the daughter at one point. Instead of sending her to the mental hospital, he wanted her to stay home or go with a friend. Because the police were there twice, they made her leave with her friend. The next day she and her friends showed her how to file for divorce. Within one week she moved all her stuff out of the home.She was now saying she was living in a toxic environment and that he was a narcissist. Of course, she was off he medication and they found alcohol hidden everywhere, mostly bottles of vodka. The children are in counseling because of the trauma they experienced, he is in counseling because of the depression. She is living with a couple that the family never spends time with. All mutual friends are shocked at her, including her best friend. He is devastated because he has lost his best friend. She is off her medication still and lies to everyone. He prays everyday for the restoration of his family. She runs and hides while lying to her daughter. He cares for their emotional and mental well being, as the daughter does not trust the mother with her true feelings, as she saw her mother try to attack her.

    The wife reads your posts and uses it to justify the lies she has made up to hate her husband who was only trying to protect his family, including her from injury. She is using the silent treatment against me. While my family is falling apart, I have to keep the home together, figure out how to do the things that she was the master at. And she keeps reading this garbage and saying this is me. Where before all her friends knew she was an outspoken person, with strength and beauty, now she is isolated and has nothing to do with 95% of her friends.

    Most of the stuff you write about is nonsense. It allows people who are selfish to blame the other without responsibility. How do I prove to my wife that I am not a narcissist? The nonsense you write makes it impossible to do so. A normal hurt person would be extremely sad and hurt by not speaking to his wife who had a mental breakdown and acted violently in front of the children. So when I’m desperate for my wife, who was my best friend in early December, she now hates me and treats me as an object. I, in turn, must put up with her absolutely hurtful acts and words. So thank you for your irresponsible writings that are based on nothing. If you can help me I will take that back. But everything is a catch 22. If I speak to her, I’m a narcissist. If I tell her I love her, the same. If I change, I’m still one. If I do nothing, the same. If I move on, it validates her. If I care for the children, the same. So tell me, how do I prove what I am to her and disprove the nonsense that I’m a narcissist?

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  2. Why did I turn my back on the best thing to ever happen to me (I was 24 at the time). While standing at the beginning of a very exciting journey, just because of my sensitivity to a reluctant person who did not think I could handle the journey, I returned to my NPD mother. Why?

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