You are always EXPLAINING yourself and reacting to the Narcissist’s many attempts to keep you under their control – then you adapted in a damaging way to become functional where there was no real function for you in this relationship because it was a desperate love that you were conditioned into believing you didn’t deserve because there was something wrong with YOU!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
Psychological and emotional abuse is any judgement, from ANY source, that humiliates, undermines and paralyses you. People do have the right to undermine your human worth or dehumanize you through a personal attacks. If you think about your abuse with a Narcissist, this was a slow and insidious day by day and CONSTANT manipulation of your character by the Narcissist. It was mixed with love and you were thrown a little bone now and then, but that was only to pull you back into the abuse and managed down more or conditioning. It was a horrendous manipulation of your mind, character and integrity by a disordered person. They are the disordered or sick one here and not you.
It is almost impossible to list the many damaging effects of emotional and psychological abuse and what it does to a normal, good, and loving person that is full of empathy. Among some of the most common reactions to this abuse are overwhelming feelings of loss, helplessness, hopelessness, feeling worthless, confusion, anxiety, depression, exhaustion, fear, isolation, and fear of the here and now. These are extremely overwhelming and overpowering to the victim of emotional/psychological abuse. When you are experiencing abuse or living in it you can’t clearly see or understand the truth because the abuse completely diverts you from living in a healthy reality! It also changes or distorts your perspective of life. I couldn’t see what was happening to me because the abuse distracted me from seeing the truth.
Abuse, at its very core, is really a horrific, powerful and manipulative lies – but the sad reality of this abuse is that the lie seems to be the truth, and the truth is the lie. That gross manipulation of the truth is a revolving and constant thought process directly related to the agenda of the abuser! But once you recognize and accept that there is abuse in your relationship the first powerful transformation takes place – or the TRUTH of your situation and the door to recovery/healing starts to open up. But beyond a doubt, it is easier to heal from the abuse if the relationship ends and no/minimal contact begins to completely stop any more negative messages or manipulation from adding more levels to the already existing damage. I wouldn’t be where I am today as a survivor if I still carried my abuser’s daily manipulative words and sadistic actions on my shoulders and in my mind. Think of recovery as empowering yourself with the REAL truth to now make healthier choices for your well-being and becoming a viable individual again. The world is yours to conquer without all of those horrible monkeys on your back from the abuse.
So the biggest and most distorted lie all starts out with the Narcissist being profoundly charming, caring and loving. They are doing this because it serves them or you have something they want which can lead to the huge ‘love bombing’ lie. By achieving a platform of trust you open up your heart and soul to the Narcissist. The rest of the lies appear when the Narcissist’s mask slips and suddenly, they become totally unreliable and negative about everything that has to do with YOU. Promises mean nothing at all, that amazing love means nothing, or friendship means nothing (depending on the type of relationship) AND all because there was NOTHING there to begin with! That is the basis of this abuse or the disabling lies at every level of the relationship to keep you managed down or controlled as well as the Narcissist’s phony façade to gain your trust to enter your head! EVERYTHING is a lie to support that façade!
Through the course of the abuse you were targeted by many ‘attacks’ and at every level of your core beliefs. Be it the VERY blatant and ugly assertions or accusations about you that completely made you lose your balance (like you are having an affair) or simpler ones to just consistently rattle you or undermine your well-being and catch you off guard and keep you in that eternal fog of confusion. Then there can be the accusations designed to make you feel guilty not for something you are doing, but something you are NOT doing. These arguments make you feel obligated and reduce you to feeling GUILT and the belief you have to change something about YOU. That is the Narcissist being a martyr with embellishments that insist you don’t love them anymore, etc. These can be used to cover their backsides when accountability comes into question like where they were the night before. They guilt you to divert from the truth by saying that they can’t believe you would accuse them of something so horrific. You feel the desperate need to FIX the situation and reassure them that you do love them as well as telling them you are so sorry and then try to make the Narcissist feel good. The Narcissist killed two birds with one stone, got away with some horrendous betrayal and had YOU apologizing to them. The bottom line is that you are always EXPLAINING yourself and reacting to the Narcissists many attempts to keep you under their control.
All of these situations are just variations of manipulative lies that distort your reality. When it comes to the raging attacks, that is angry projection though or the bully Narcissist. The Narcissist is deliberately attacking you with the objective of achieving CONTROL through fear and anger or basically maneuvering you into a conflict situation. The Narcissist wants to create an argument but also wants to be able to blame you for it afterwards. None of this is based on any sort of reality as it concerns you or something you have done and usually something the Narcissist has done to dump their shame onto you through projection. Again the agenda is always about managing you down in some form or fashion!
After this relationship ends there will be psychological, emotional, as well as personal issues that you will have to deal with. This abuse is not just about the horrendous things your abuser did to you because that is now the past and the abusive aspect. What you are having to face are the things that you unfortunately allowed to happen that have changed many of your perspectives concerning your belief system, thought processes, your worth, your mind and your heart. Now hear me out that this is not saying you accepted the abuse, you adapted in a damaging way to become functional where there was no real function for you in this relationship because it was a desperate love that you were conditioned into believing you didn’t deserve because there was something wrong with YOU! The abuse manipulated you and managed you down in such a manner that it basically brain-washed you as well as traumatized you in the process of trying to achieve a cohesive or loving relationship. You were reacting to the fear of loss that was imposed on you to conform or be forced out by the Narcissist. It doesn’t define you as weak, a fool, dumb or any of the above it is just a fact of what this abuse does. With all of that said what we are left with is a deep inner introspection we have to deal with or the process of becoming healthy again. The important thing here is what you will come to realize is that you have the ability to change and move forward after this abuse. Please trust me on this.
There are many internal messages that the abuse has imprinted on your mind and those messages are what are making you feel worthless, the problem, perhaps believing you have mental health issues, and many more things that are basically disabling your perception or the healthy reality you once had. These certain changes that took take place over the course of the abuse must be undone so you can become the person that you want to be, or the person you were before the abuse.
This abuse doesn’t stop the very day you walk away from a psychologically and emotionally abusive partner. It more than likely may continue to affect you long after you are out of the relationship until you completely educate yourself about this abuse or what psychological and emotional abuse is! It is unfortunate that you and I have had to experience this and are left disabled and damaged by our abuser BUT we can’t allow it to affect and destroy the remainder of our life by staying imprisoned with these thoughts. You were an amazing person before the abuse and you are going to be more than that when you recover and become a survivor with new boundaries and a new perspective when you get back to life and living again.
Remember this as well as internalize this message. This abuse keeps you hyper focused on the past by only viewing the present and the future through the negative perspective of the abusive relationship or those negative messages that were forced into your head and heart by this Narcissist. When you’re in an emotionally/psychologically abusive relationship, the Narcissist always reminded you of everything you have ever done wrong and basically told you that you will never change and you are basically worthless. They do this with the constant managing down with something new or old and remind you of it constantly – but in reality it does NT define you by any means. There was never much that was ever directed at you in a positive manner either, instead everything you did was devalued where you continually strived to do better in response to the devaluation and that became your normal with them. What did this make you feel like? Worthless! Basically it is the devaluation stage of the abuse and that is where these negative messages became imprinted on your mind! It is insidious and sadistic or dehumanization of a human being and situational or an outcome of the abuse.
Psychological and Emotional abuse basically brainwashes you into accepting whatever negative things your abuser said about you as real or your reality and worth as a person. They make you so vulnerable through the devaluation process that it confuses AND disables your reality which in turns undermines your own opinion of yourself AND then you believe they must be right because they are so relentless and angry about these so called things you do. The Narcissist is HEAVILY invested in their agenda to devalue you so they can maintain their power and control over you! Their attacks are traumatizing and debilitate the spirit and life of the victim of this abuse. No/minimum contact to end the abuse! Greg —