A little vision into what it is like being a victim to a personality disordered Narcissist.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
Throughout my relationship, I knew that the person I was ‘with’ wasn’t emotionally well, I just didn’t know how unwell AND how emotionally unwell I had become for even wanting to continue and staying in this toxic relationship. I was blind sighted by the ‘love bombing’ and believing the “woe-be-me” stories/excuses in the beginning which are the most dangerous of the tools a Narcissist uses to trap their target.
For those who have been through it, I don’t need to explain any of this. It just didn’t make any sense to me! It was like something inside of them is/was wrong, injured, or whatever (rotten.) Unfortunately, I believed it could be healed or fixed and I kept applying “bandages” in an attempt to fix something SO unseen and so deep and damaged that I couldn’t even begin to understand it yet alone fix it. I WAS TOTALLY BLINDSIGHTED by what was just abuse and what a predator does to capture its prey – it starts with how the camouflage themselves.
Empathy, caring and unconditional love can cure many things, but with a Malignant Narcissist it would be like throwing gas on a fire with the hopes to extinguish it. They are not there for love by any means and that defines the abhorrent being as what they truly are – one that would scheme, manipulate and brain-wash another into believing they had something that was as real and wonderful as “love” to use to debase, dehumanize and destroy another. But that is the downfall of anybody that buys into this abhorrent relationship with them – BELIEVING!
Normal in my relationship was basically achieving ONE SINGLE DAY without some sort of incident where I was blamed, shamed or punished AND RAGED at for something or other – and usually something delusional or unreal. “Normal” simply meant that my Narcissist was still there and we achieved a complete day without an incident. What was so hidden behind all of this was the reality of just what was there with me – a lying, betraying, perverted, manipulative, cheating, delusional, disordered, vile, and VOLATILE human being that got off on emotionally manipulating me, hurting and punishing me. An argument (out of nowhere) would always end up as 3 days of silence and punishment – and the opportunity for this Narcissist to constantly cheat with anything/everything that said yes. This sounds crazy but it is the real truth – UNFORTUNATELY the truth isn’t apparent when we need it to be because they are PRO’s at this game. Add to this that we tend to view the world in a NORMAL or reality based manner, and within that thought process I NEVER thought another adult was capable of doing the things this person did to me and my family. It is like the iceberg theory I often repeat – what you see above the water is MINOR compared to what is beneath the water!
I started investigating and reading everything I could find on any mental illness that this person would fit into. I had always suspected that bipolar was the possible diagnosis because the Narcissist’s mother as well as an ex-spouse mentioned this as a possibility as it related to many problems from a PAST marriage, so that was where I began. I just couldn’t understand how this person, could all of the sudden, be so detached, so cold, cruel, distant, and with a temper so terrible that it was actually scary and getting worse. It was meant to be scary because that is how they debase and control – they are psycho bullies that have to feel powerful by putting life and people down. This person was BEYOND anything I could have done to help – and I am not even sure that there is therapy enough out there to make a dent in how disordered and vile this Malignant Narcissist had been to me and my family, as well as many before me. I only wish I could have known about this disorder to know that I wasn’t dealing with someone that couldn’t change or even wanted to change – I was dealing with a predator that I fell prey to!
Then there were all of these CRAZY, horrible and UNTRUE things this person (the Narcissist) was saying about me and WHY? Then let’s not forget the pathological lying and the betrayal. Then I found information about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, it was like a light bulb turned on inside my head and a HUGE ‘Ah Ha’ moment. From that point on I knew that what I suspected was true and that there was a name to this disorder and none of this was about me or my fault. It was a Malignant Narcissist I was dealing with!
At that point in my juncture I wanted to know more. I discovered a wealth of knowledge in websites, personal blogs, articles and books relating to the subject. I couldn’t believe the number of people who had been through similar situations AND most if not all had been to hell and back trying desperately to make things work with their partners, only to wind up alone and confused, hurt, traumatized, and ABUSED. I read so many horror stories about this ‘personality disorder’ that was basically describing evil.
Being a victim of Narcissistic abuse is a severely traumatic life experience that you are dealing with by yourself. If the perpetrator is a person you loved, admired, or looked up to as a role model, or a wife, husband, parent, guardian, friend, relative, etc., you don’t understand the reality because most of the time you love the person, trust them and want to believe in them – you go the extra mile for them. If your professional life is entangled with a Narcissistic boss, getting out of the abusive relationship may be extremely challenging, especially when this is your livelihood, or your bread and butter. If you are a child of a Narcissistic parent you are reared in this abuse and that becomes the child’s clouded vision of normal for much of their life.
It may seem frightening and insurmountable after the time you have invested, and you may be tempted to put up with more abuse, as an attempt to defuse the situation and save what mattered so much to you in any of the relationships you were entangled in with these cruel monsters. BUT there is no such thing as anything near a normal or a real relationship with a Narcissist and you can only learn this the hard and painful way. There is no healthy give-and-take relationship with a Narcissist, only a manipulative, crippling, subjugating type of giving and a demanding, exploitative, and insensitive type of taking OR whatever the Narcissist wants to exploit from the victim. People are only objects that a Narcissist uses.
It is especially difficult to accept this when your interactions with them are at the personal, professional, familial or intimate level. How much of yourself, your work, your aspirations, do you have to sacrifice in order to save your life and your psyche from the destructive assaults from your Narcissistic abuser? Well if it was up to the Narcissist you would have to give them your entire life and even that would not be enough.
Don’t try to fight a war that you can’t win because a Narcissist lacks any and all morals. You can’t engage in reality with a person that lacks morals or with issues that require a person to have a conscience and expect to be heard, yet alone find common ground or any sort of closure. Narcissists have no sense of guilt or remorse for their actions. There is NO WAY you can shame them into accepting responsibility for their mindless and thoughtless approach to other people especially if it is “you.” Don’t ever underestimate their depravity as it concerns their lack of respect for life and people – they will abuse anyone that stands in their way, even their own biological children or ANY family member.
So how could you have been such a fool? The painful realization often comes with the disbelief of just how could we have not realized that he/she was like this? That’s another thing that educating yourself about this disorder will teach you very clearly and that is the Narcissist is especially good at being pathologically deceptive and manipulative, at simulating genuine affection and caring to gain our trust so they can essentially abuse us. In reality, the Narcissist is only capable of caring about themselves. The Narcissist can BASICALLY imitate that they care about you or even love you as long as he/she continues to see you reflect extreme adulation and admiration for them, which is usually in the beginning of your personal relationship with them. Underneath all of that is a delusional and out-of-control amoral person that lacks respect for life and people and has no conscience about how they debase people to GET WHAT THEY WANT – supply. That is what it all boils down to – we satisfy some sort of need – and they have many needs, and many people they use to satisfy their immense needy void hole.
The perceptions of a Narcissist are truly their reality. If you look back, you have never been able to change or influence their perceptions because they got louder and completely ignored your every word to the contrary concerning any of their delusional outbursts – especially if it concerned their own accountability. If you couldn’t effect change living in a close relationship with them, then don’t waste your time and effort ever trying AGAIN. They live in their own world and no matter how false or unreal it appears to you, for them it is reality because it has to be for them to survive among us. As soon as a Narcissist begins to perceive that you have a voice of your own and a right to existence, the trouble starts and then there is no return because there is no possibility of two-way communication with them and the more you push your individualism forward the more resistance from the Narcissist. Their façade is impenetrable and has to be or they would self-destruct if people knew the truth. They are not in this for anything except for what they can get that benefits them somehow and that is a WIDE variety of things and unfortunately it was just our turn to be used.
Lies and deceit are as natural to the Narcissist’s world as is breathing. A Narcissist has the amazing ability with their ‘shrewd deception’ to make ‘others’ believe their lies EVEN when they fly right in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Heck they are so smooth at their LIES that the Narcissist also believes THEIR own lies. Mine could have been given an honorary PHD in lies, and lying! Take the position that everything they say to you is a lie and or based on a lie – or as my friend once told me “if they are breathing they are lying!”
It is extremely painful, to come to the conclusion that people who have meant a great deal in your personal (or professional) life can ACTUALLY destroy you and you have to disengage with them to literally save your life. It is EXTREMELY painful, but the alternative is only to continue the descent along the dark path of self-destruction. Stop it all and finally break the chain that keeps you tied to an abuser. Everything you have built with this person was done in vain, and if you keep believing or buying into the games/lies with the hope to catch a glimpse of what things were like when you lived in the illusion they fabricated for you, you will only be drawn back into the abuse over and over again. The promises like a life journey together or sharing the joys of REAL love, a future, intellectual fulfillment, dreams, goals, etc., were part of the abuse to only control you and keep you chained to the abuse.
Unfortunately, you have to learn and accept that the psychological and emotional investment you made in a Narcissist is/was valueless, and you have to write them off completely as a bad debt. If you continue any type of association with them, you will only lose your soul and hand it over to a deceitful, perverted and loathsome character that will use and drain the life right out of it. Just like the “un-dead” fictional characters that are looking to feed off of the life force of other human beings to BECOME alive again. Sorry I am not sure they were ever alive – it is just incomprehensible that they have the cognitive ability to plan and scheme as they do to trap us, debilitate their target, know it is wrong, lie about their actions to cover up their tracks, destroy our good name, extort everything they can, and run off as they do to another unsuspecting target. Sounds more like a well-planned out process to me.
One day you will see the complete picture – and it will never make what they did better, but you will understand because you have finally been educated into what they are and what YOU aren’t. A Narcissist is a dead giveaway in the way they create their delusional turmoil after each and every departure from one of their con jobs or relationships as the Narcissist prefers to call them. While they are running away like the thieves they really are with their tails between their legs, they are really running away from the truth of who and what they are. We are the truth they are running from as they are throwing lies at us in an effort to smear our integrity and destroy us. They never can or will admit to what they have done, instead they will always slither into someone else’s life to find shelter, and take what they can emotionally and physically. The truth is AND has always been that YOU are the normal person, amazing, and capable of love and better yet so worthy of it. They didn’t steal that away from you – they manipulated you into their darkness and it disabled your good judgement. Today you ARE that amazing person again because you broke the chain to their emotional and psychological abuse. Greg