So much confusion and lots of pain! It is time for the journey back home to YOU because after Narcissistic abuse – there is light, life, and love! A commitment to understanding that this was situational abuse, along with knowledge, education, time, and support from other victims will guide you to recovery. This is a personal process AND you CAN do it because once you remove yourself from the dysfunctional Narcissist’s grasp, clarity will replace all the doubt that this abuse has locked your life and mind up with!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/
With all of the extreme confusion that surrounded the departure of this abusive Narcissist from your life you were left with significant and distorted messages that put the heavy burden of the blame onto and into you and those messages are still living in your mind and heart! This is the same confusion that always surrounded every aspect of the relationship and has now has reemerged and turned into more denial of the real truth with the discard. This denial has planted itself firmly in your life and keeps you in a constant state of limbo in your mind and your heart. It is really a chaotic conflict that keeps cycling back and forth inside of you. Consequently, instead of confronting the reality (or truth) you keep turning to every other avenue to reach a closure that ISN’T based on reality and you BASICALLY reject that you were abused by a predator and Narcissist. You don’t really see that it was abuse because you were conditioned to see it as something about YOU that caused everything disparaging in this relationship. When a person is physically abused with a blackened eye for example, that singular action undeniably DEFINES it as abuse to you personally, as well as anyone that sees the damage. With psychological abuse there is no one singular action that leaves an outward bruise. Sometimes you are not even aware of all the actions and words that are harming you. The bruises are on the inside as well as the many scars that build up. It makes it extremely difficult to express the damage that lives in your heart, soul and mind because there are so many there in every level of your life. So where do you start to reconcile?
This is basically conditioning as in being ‘brainwashed’ by a very manipulative, destructive, and cunning person AND a pro at it! That Narcissist wanted you to BELIEVE that they REALLY loved you at first, but when they REALLY got to know you in such a personal/loving manner then all of a sudden they realized that YOU really had all of these horrible issues and that YOU were REALLY defective and maybe even had issues concerning YOUR mental health, AND abusing them. REALLY – they NEVER loved you – they were seducing you into their manipulative agenda to objectify you or use you as supply? They have been sending these ‘blame messages’ to you subtly from the very first day they met you and then stepped it up with the devaluation and discard because that expiration date was inevitable. The Narcissist has been out there securing MORE supply probably the same day they met you! So look at the focus and where it was aimed – at your vulnerable loving heart and mind! Why doesn’t a Narcissist just take the goods and run when they are caught? Why do they have to play such harsh psychological games to harm people? Why do they have to destroy as much of you as they can? So they can keep abusing new people and avoiding exposure by destroying the evidence or the last person they abused!
Simply put this is just part of the agenda that enables them to MOVE ON by blaming you (devaluing) and then discarding you! This is them getting away with their abuse. This very astute con artist got everything they wanted with their big love scam and they needed to move on and find better supply because you just weren’t serving them and they got bored and went out looking for something better! There was never any real love and this is what we must understand! They were ALWAYS looking for more supply even when things were supposedly good. So again, when you reached your ‘expiration date’ they were off to a new target/victim and unscathed because they had an alibi (blaming everything on you) like every criminal does and dysfunctional people (minions) that believe them and support them! Their alibi enables them to avoid exposure by discrediting you completely! Job well done and the Narcissist is off and running and WHO is be blamed for all of this? Here is a very important point – don’t try to make them accountable because they will start a war with you that will literally drive the point home that if you play with them they will discredit you with words (LIES) that can damage you for a lifetime. This is their lifestyle, this is their disorder, this is always what they do, this is their pattern, this is abuse, and THIS IS A NARCISSIST! Right now your freedom and ability to get clarity is important so you can get healthy and NOT dragged down into more of their darkness. Engage with them or not, that Narcissist is STILL going to smear your good name and the people that believe these lies are not friends or people that care about you.
You have been disabled by their HUGE con job and not truly capable of accepting any part of the reality because of the constant brainwashing which now becomes your vulnerability in all of this! The TRUTH or reality of the situation that it was abuse becomes suppressed and surfaces as anxiety, depression, self-blaming, worthlessness, fear, and trauma – the VERY messages that were pounded into your head and now your heart. Rather than confronting this reality, targets/victims entirely go into a place of denial like they were conditioned to do by their abuser. It is not that you are just that stupid or that much of a fool that you totally allowed this relationship to put you here. You were CONTINUALLY managed down by seamless manipulation slowly but surely and day by day until all of these scenarios became a way of life for you – or your new normal. Little by little you accepted your role with this Narcissist but in reality you were a product of emotional and psychological abuse. Now little by little you must purge these negative messages out and replace them with the truth and positive messages about yourself! Introspection will become your next step in recovery once you actualize the real truth of your situation. You will look for your personal weaknesses and create new boundaries and a healthier lifestyle. That is when you will put the emphasis TOTALLY into yourself to move forward without any singular thought of this Narcissist. That is why breaking the emotional connection and bond with them and allowing yourself the time and clarity to actualize the truth is so important or no/minimal contact to start this process.
You CAN be in control of this situation! BUT you will slow your progress to a screeching halt if you go to the trouble of fulfilling the no contact rule and then obsess about making contact, trying to fix things, work things out, or engage with ANY of their chaos. It totally defeats the purpose of no contact if you keep an ongoing dialogue and/or any connection with them. As they say you can’t see the forest for the trees – but now it is time that you do.!
Think about the reason why you may obsess about these monsters and make contact. It is because we want them to validate all of that emotional expenditure that we provided through loving them and NOW add the pain and having to grieve the abuse and finding some sort of closure! It won’t happen because this Narcissist would have NEVER put you in this position in the first place if he/she REALLY knew love or better yet REALLY loved you. REMEMBER they are ABUSERS and they aren’t going to turn around and fix this or you because their agenda was to control, disable and harm you. If you think they are going to suddenly realize your worth, when no other human being in this world has any worth to them beyond an object to use, then you need to do a reality check until you get to the point that you understand that they are destructive and dangerous to you and your life. Their departure is really a miracle that will start you out on your road to recovery and complete freedom from them so please make this foremost in your thoughts.
Seriously ask yourself if you could imagine your Narcissist saying this to you – ‘I’ve been emotionally unavailable, I’ve had NUMEROUS affairs, I intentionally manipulated you, gas-lighted you, tried to drive you to the point of insanity, ignored and silenced you, blamed you for everything, projected darkness onto and into you, constantly ignored your needs, used you, extorted and stole from you, and made your life a living hell, AND I WAS ABUSIVE.’ Then imagine them saying that they suddenly realize your worth and how valuable you are to them and they want to be together with you to fix ALL OF THIS. First why would you want a person that has taken you down so far to ever be any part of your life and secondly they are NOT emotionally available for you or anyone and they are off and abusing their next target/victim! They are like criminals living out a life of crime. Don’t forget how they smeared you, your name and then tried to destroy your integrity to avoid exposure and the truth of what they are, and also ask yourself WHO would do something like this. How could you forget ANY of this in a manner to accept them back into your life – and then how many times have you accepted them back into your life to end up abused over and over again. You must move TOTALLY on and away from them being anything in your life. Forget them completely so you can start recovering because it is integral in surviving this abuse AND moving forward.
To truly move forward to recovery, you can’t make your abuser (the Narcissist) the focal point of your life AND your recovery. They are what they are and you have had personal experience which more than defines their character and agenda! You have to make YOU the focal point of YOUR life now. This time of grieving, healing, and regrouping with you is an opportunity to get real about the relationship that has just ended and you have to look at you and your personal relationship with yourself with open eyes and the reality that it was abuse that has brought you to this place of despair. So many times, I have heard targets, victims, and survivors say that they want to be able to get past it all, to move on, and they want it all to just be over with so they can live again. The wanting is only part of the battle, a very important part, but the rest of it takes longer and demands introspection, education, support and the need to accept that this Narcissist was AND always is a potential danger if you let them be any part of your thoughts OR life. There is no magical kiss from the prince/princess Narcissist that will awaken you from this this doom, because they are the one that gave you the apple that poisoned you in the first place! Your own care, love, and self-compassion will awaken you and return you back to a fulfilling and real life because you ARE an amazing person with the ability to beat this! No/minimal contact to start on this journey back to YOU! Greg