While you keep trying to hang onto this relationship you are only burying yourself deeper and deeper into the darkness and the void that defines a Narcissist and how they control and abuse their victims. It is this daily struggle that is so unfulfilling and damaging, as well as makes you feel so unhappy, worthless, and paralyzed.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
We constantly struggle with the vision of that amazing love in the back of our mind (the one that we were CONNED into believing). We reflect on it, hold onto it, and try to bring it back and make the relationship work and make our Narcissist happy by working harder at the relationship. We are even asked (more like demanded by threats) to do things differently or do what this Narcissist wants but it only leads to more demands and making us sink deeper and deeper into this distorted and desperate love. We are occasionally offered an “I love you so much,” to achieve a cohesive peace but again it is not real AT ALL and the Narcissist cashes in on another scheme or lie that manipulates us once again! But despite our intuition or the deep rooted sense that something is totally wrong with this relationship it still feels familiar to love because that is what we hold onto to alleviate the struggles and pain. We begin to feel increasingly unhappy because we are never having any of our needs met as well as totally confused and lost. The struggle to get this person to love and accept you is not working so you employ all kinds of tactics to try harder but to no avail. It is the vicious cycle of this abuse or the trap that keeps you running in circles until it ends and that end is always devastating and destructive because of the psychological damage that the Narcissist inflicted that kept this toxic relationship going. The Narcissist just closes the door and moves on to the next victim and MANY victims are left having to sort all of this out not even knowing that they were with an abusive and personality disordered human being and accept the blame for their whole life.
While you keep trying to hang onto this relationship you are only burying yourself deeper and deeper into the darkness and the void that defines a Narcissist. It is this daily struggle that is so unfulfilling and damaging, as well as makes you feel so unhappy, worthless, and paralyzed. Beyond that there is going to be a huge eye opener with the full devaluation this creature is going to throw at you when your time is up with them. It is virtually impossible to love a Narcissist normally because you are only plugging yourself into their game of abuse as their PRESENT source of supply. They are literally using up every bit of your life and reaping all the benefits. You can’t love a Narcissist because they are not real and all you are loving is a projected image personally designed ‘just for you’ to con you completely into their agenda.
A Narcissist can’t even see their real self because there is none and that is why they create all of these images/facades to compensate for everything they are NOT. They are completely empty and this is what they do to avoid seeing the lack of a real reflection of themselves in a mirror. They avoid it so totally that they will defend their false image and destroy you for making them accountable for what they really are. There is such a mystery to them and that in itself almost becomes so confusing because we thought we saw a flicker of real love, but there was none and we keep searching for it! BUT there is always that idea that ‘if we just try hard enough, we will find a way to recreate that authentic connection’ or revive it. Unfortunately, it only kept us tied up in a relationship that really revolved around basic functionality, but it always seemed to hold the unspoken promise of one day becoming a connection of unconditional love to us.
The subliminal BUT real message from the Narcissist was that we had to keep changing and giving more to meet this creature’s needs and unfortunately we listened to this and made it our goal. That is the conundrum we get so caught up in and end up losing ourselves completely. Trying harder is not going to unlock the magic door to their unavailable and dead heart/soul because you are dealing with a void and not a person. The unfortunate consequence to this is that you will have to grieve this empty love just as if it were real. Unfortunately, there is the psychological and emotional damage that disabled you and the destruction the Narcissist did to your integrity to escape exposure and put all of the blame onto you! Your recovery will require many, many steps to actualize the entirety of this but you must start with the truth of what they are and what they aren’t.
So the truth is that the lies, manipulation, betrayal, façade, etc., is ‘absolute and fundamental’ to the Narcissist’s agenda and survival in the real world to fit it and achieve the supply they so desperately need from us – that is why we label them con artists and extortionists. The Narcissist can’t change and, most importantly, they DON’T want to change. They superficially ‘change’ every single day with another façade to steal some extra supply so when it comes down to it – what would they actually change? Well they could possibly change into another façade that makes them SEEM like they are changing but it would still be the same old manipulation pattern. They can’t reflect on themselves because THERE IS NO SELF. They inhabit a fantasy world which becomes reality for them and those they manage to brainwash. There is no reality or truth for any person that resides in their world. It is always a catastrophe waiting to happen and there are always many victims. In their world the truth and falsehood only hold instrumental meaning or functionality as they apply it to a situation and there is absolutely no morality contained in any of their thoughts or actions. So in a nutshell, they do whatever they need to do to get what they want or the results they need in any and every situation!
We must also remember that at the core of the Narcissist’s psychopathy is a mindset governed by their grandiosity, lack of empathy for others, and a grand sense of entitlement and superiority that places them above laws and morality. The Narcissist grossly overestimates their abilities and accomplishments and underestimates the complete being of their target/victim. Simply put, the Narcissist should be able to do anything they wish, however harmful and destructive, because the Narcissist is better than others and entitled to whatever they want without consequences. In the Narcissist’s mind, by making us a part of their wonderful life by mere association with them, he/she passes on to us this grandiosity as if they are royalty and that is our reward. It is ridiculous and repulsive that they can believe this nonsense and more akin to pathological arrogance.
It is hard if not impossible to fully wrap our heads around the outlandish behavior of a Narcissist or their psychopathic mindset so we really shouldn’t try to as it relates to and describes our abuse. Narcissists believe the truth they create at the moment they need it to provide them with new opportunities – there is no rhyme or reason to it. I believe they even have their own language and it is delusional at its basis and only ‘doubletalk’ to meet their agenda to extort other people’s lives. There is no reasoning to search out anything meaningful in the Narcissist’s mind. What we can realistically say about them is that the truth they speak is always a lie – so basically they are one huge lie too.
When it comes to understanding this love with a Narcissist, all we really had was an illusion and a reflected image from this Narcissist of what we thought was love as well as based on what we all grew up believing was love SO we related to this illusion and believed in it – and again it was a LIE. We have seen this love all around us and even experienced it and felt it before. This love was very strong and amazing in our mind and we superimposed that image right onto this Narcissist like he/she conned us into doing so AND they ‘played’ you/us like it was the real thing! Every little thing that they did to reinforce that ‘con’ ALSO enforced that ‘distorted truth’ we kept hanging onto as if it was real and part of that big dream we wanted or the love we believed in. This always kept us at that safe distance and blinded from what was really happening and away from all of the lies, betrayal, manipulation, and hate that was really right there in front of us.
Believing in them and hanging onto that façade they created in the beginning kept the painful reality at bay. At some point we MUST see the truth and accept it completely AND it is impossible to love or be loved by the Narcissist. The real picture will unfortunately reveal itself and you will hear things that will make you feel sick to your stomach. You will question yourself in so many ways and beat yourself up over all of it. Why didn’t you see this coming, why did you keep trying and hanging onto this monster? You will feel defective and worthless and maybe even deserving of all of this! It is not answerable in any one given manner as far as applying the fault to yourself so don’t because it wasn’t your fault because nobody deserves to be abused. Let it go because that doesn’t help you achieve clarity, nor opens a door to recover from this toxic relationship. It only sends you deeper into this abuse by blaming yourself and allowing the abuse messages to plant themselves deeper into your heart and mind!
Narcissists PLAY big time games and they are completely unavailable to ANYONE in this world – they are purely sadistic and dehumanize ALL people. The person you were before this was conned and the person you are now is still being conned by the ambient or leftover abuse and you MUST get away completely to achieve clarity and move on. In reality we all know it takes two to have a healthy relationship, and there were two in this relationship and one person was real, but unfortunately the other one pretended to be real because they had an agenda to make this real so they could use you and they were seamless with the game. REMEMBER Narcissists are personality disordered and dangerous individuals to relate to in any manner because everything about them is unreal and meant to find and secure a target/victim to use as supply. You are too amazing to be giving any part of yourself to this Narcissist ever again! START this journey to recovery and freedom with no/minimal contact! Greg