We BELIEVE in this person, we care about them, we even love them BUT the Narcissist is intentionally distorting and debilitating your reality through extreme manipulation so that you will become isolated and dependent on them as the center of your universe – it is called emotional and psychological abuse AND control!


From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com


A Narcissist needs to project so many things at and ‘into’ their target to feel empowered and real, as well as deny their own darkness and destructive ways by transferring and dumping everything and anything toxic onto the target/victim. It is a tangled mess for the victim/target to discern reality from all of these mechanisms that are in place for the Narcissist to succeed at doing what they are doing – ABUSING TO GET SUPPLY!


At any given moment there are lies to cover the their delusional truths, manipulation to confound and confuse you, betrayal to hurt what you believe is real, back-stabbing to undermine your integrity, triangulation to destroy your immediate circle of friends and family, love-bombing to make you believe the Narcissist is true to you, blame and shame to make you believe you are the destructive force in this relationship, WITHHOLDING to condition you to react as the Narcissist wants you to, raging to make you fearful of your existence, hate to reduce you to feeling anguish, name calling or making fun of you to steal your self-esteem, projection to make you out to be the force behind the destruction, denying you any semblance of your own reality, silencing to invalidate your individualism, punishment to make you accept their way or accept harm as a consequence, smearing to destroy your complete integrity so the Narcissist can escape exposure, AND many more avenues that a disordered Narcissist will travel to abuse their target/victim. We must never allow this to be defined as just a personality disorder and give it credence and acceptability – IT IS A DESTRUCTIVE AND DEBILITATING EMOTIONAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE!


Psychological abuse is a process whereby the abuser conditions or manages the target/victim down through subtle to extreme CONTROL. As I outlined above there are so many tactics that a Narcissist uses to do this so that every aspect of the target/victim’s conscious world is manipulated into dealing with the abuse tactics and this diverts and warps a target/victim’s reality over time and traumatizes them. It becomes a 24/7 or full time job as it concerns the target/victim dealing with so many mind games that are thrown their way. It literally causes their world to fall apart around them.


The conditioning a Narcissist uses changes behaviors and manipulates the victim’s normal reality and transforms it into some form of fear for the target/victim. Fear can be interpreted as many things with emotional and psychological abuse – fear that the target/victim BELIEVES they really have mental health issues, fear of abandonment, fear of punishment, fear of loss, fear of rage, fear of destruction at the hands (or better yet the mouth) of a Narcissist, fear of being harmed, fear of isolation, and fear of not being worthy of love AND life.


This conditioning process ALSO puts the target/victim into a place of trust first where they are joined at the hip with their abuser. Clinically the Narcissist ‘love bombs’ the target/victim literally to death to create this strong emotional bond so they can easily achieve their agenda to pillage, extort and destroy their target/victim’s reality, mind, and soul. It conditions the target/victim to value the Narcissist above themselves because the Narcissist successfully managed the target/victim down so they DON’T value themselves anymore. It is a constant barrage of a combination of manipulative and negative actions as well as the LACK of positive and supportive actions. It is also punishing the victim through silencing, raging, ignoring, criticizing, and forcing them into complete compliance. The target/victim is forced to only consider what the Narcissist needs are, and the Narcissist NEVER considers a single need of the target/victim.


The Narcissist disallows individualism in favor of this complete compliance and adoration of themselves. Failure to do so will only lead to stronger attacks of anger or rage to comply or else. There is no reward for meeting the Narcissist’s needs because they will demand more and more. The target/victim is drained of their self-esteem, worth, and reality and the Narcissist will only go in for the kill with more dehumanizing, destruction and ‘smearing’ their target/victim and then abandoning them and moving on to abuse another.


With all of this in mind is there anything that is as equally insidious as far as what this abuse does to a good, loving, caring, and moral person that lives with empathy at the core of their reality. NO and I say it again as a survivor of this abuse that has lived within this destructive lifestyle and lived with what was a battle to regain my integrity and life back. This is not a simple matter of going into recovery, it is like learning to walk again, seeing the goodness once more that does exist in life, learning to trust people, rebuilding yourself financially, and basically starting over after being infected by a contagious, destructive, and personality disordered Narcissist.


The Narcissist will always manage EVERYBODY down and condition us to believe that their every action/word (abuse) is a reality that we must accept because we don’t deserve any better. A Narcissist wants your reality, your goodness, and basically your life and to completely accept them as ‘perfect’ or jump ship and drown without them.


A Narcissist will use ANYTHING to convince you that you are seriously damaged. Alternatively, a Narcissist will even use chaotic backdoor psychology on you, or strong and FAKE religious beliefs, or a false consensus from friends, or family about your instability, even from your co-workers, etc. to justify their lies and inexcusable behaviors concerning you. For example, saying things like – ‘I pray for your healing daily,’ or ‘you have issues that you need to address with a therapist,’ or ‘my therapist agrees with me about your actions,’ or ‘my mother agrees with me and understood what I did because of the way YOU treated me’ (this concerned an affair my Narcissist had), or the basic hit and run comment ‘I am right and you are wrong’ and then just walking away! These are nothing more than tactics for deflecting responsibility and reinforcing them with ill placed and FALSE comments from other people that aren’t even involved. A Narcissist rarely, if ever, admits they are wrong unless it is to zap you with a hidden insult. For example, ‘I am sorry for thinking you were a kind, caring, loving, and generous person’- I see that I was probably wrong about you.”


A Narcissist rarely if ever takes responsibility for their hurtful actions. If you call them out on their bad behaviors, they claim it was your fault for pushing them into it (in other words, you deserved it) and you’re a bad person to make a good person like them (the Narcissist) act that way – they will even say that nobody has EVER treated them like you have. You should be ashamed of yourself! I was continually blamed for my Narcissist’s horrid and raging temper with comments that I pushed the Narcissist to act this way. No, I was a great, caring and giving person. Everything I was accused of were only delusional and fake accusations of things I was supposedly doing that would come out of thin air to start an argumentative situation with toxic drama, silencing, and betrayal as my punishment, OR managing down to control me and make me feel constantly confused and worthless. This is their modus operandi or mode of operation. No/minimal contact to stop the madness and end the abuse! Greg

Posted on January 8, 2017, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. Brilliant article. It has given me further insight as I heal from narcissist abuse. For a long time I haven’t wanted to admit my ex-husband was a narcissist. I printed your post and highlighted all the behaviours as they pertained to my experiences. He ticks almost all the boxes. I can’t believe how much I’ve been in denial… thinking “no. it can’t be true because everyone else LOVES him”. How could I give him this label when I haven’t come to terms with the lies. Because of his conditioning of me, how could I smear his reputation. And anyway, I’m always wrong about everything. I must be wrong about this. You have enlightened me. Thank you! And now onwards I march on the path of healing


  2. It’s one thing dealing with narcissistic abuse and control as an adult…. it is another thing when this is being done to your children.
    The isolation and manipulation imposed by a Narc on a child often results in a “me against the world reality” where the child becomes isolated, and dependent on the Narc parent.
    The child is groomed to believe anyone who questions this is an enemy. Or taught to fear the outside world (because the Narc is the one who is insecure and afraid, and projecting this onto the child) to such a degree that their ability to form relationships and socialize suffers.
    Similarly, the parent who has been victimized by the Narc is not free just because they left the abusive relationship… but the abuse continues, now using the child as a pawn. And the child may hate you or reject you or fear you because they have been subjected to abuse and mind control from a Narc parent. It’s heartbreaking to see the damage a Narc parent does to a child…


  3. It is so mind blowing to me that everyone of your posts are spot on of what i went through, and with each new one I read, there is never anything that I can say “well that didn’t happen” it all did, and for me in such a short period of time compared to I know what some people go through. And yet, with all of this knowledge – I sit here every weekend, crying and not understanding how someone can treat ‘me’ like that, I’m the good person, I’m not like other people….the hurt is so deep even though I’m doing better. The NC is in place, but mostly because he has not contacted me at all….which all lines up with the new supply he was setting up when I thought all those little breakups were for us to get back together stronger. I was used and abused by a person who knew me well enough that I was kind, loving, giving, and had been through alot of stuff in my life that this was the final ultimate slap in the face for no reason. I want to hate him, but I don’t know how to hate. I get angry but it doesn’t last. The one thing that has happened is at least I’m not sending emails that were in the last “discarding” that I know now, were not even being answered. What a horrid thing to go through. I knew it was all twisted and so much of what he did showed me he was a “jerk” but no he wasn’t a “jerk” like I think you wrote yesterday he is a sick perverted person….yet I went back – over and over after the cheap gifts (windshield wiper fluid from the dollar store, I kid you not) flowers he would bring and even they would get cheaper – the “devalue” was happening, but I knew none of this then. I’m out of the relationship, but he is not out of my head, and my trust level which was not high to begin with is zero now. I am in counseling, again. But on Sundays I want to call him and tell him off……or for him to call me so I can, which we know won’t happen. Thanks for having a place to share. Even if no one reads this, it helps me to respond to your words of truth.


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