We are ONLY a matter of convenience to a Narcissist! Their complete world is all a product of his/her own imagination and appearances are all that really count. The Narcissist ONLY wants objects in his/her world that will NOT contradict the illusions he/she creates. A Narcissist wants to control your behavior and your way of thinking and if you contradict this image in the slightest way the Narcissist will rage at you and maybe even annihilate you from disturbing the delicate balance of their disordered world.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
A Narcissist’s world is all a product of his/her own imagination and appearances are all that really count. The Narcissist ONLY wants objects in his/her world that will NOT contradict the illusions he/she creates. A Narcissist wants to control your behavior and your way of thinking and if you contradict this image in the slightest way the Narcissist will rage at you and maybe even annihilate you from disturbing the delicate balance of their disordered world. You are there to serve them in their game and make them look good and support their omnipotence even if the lie they tell you reduces you to the biggest fool in the world. This comes at a great cost to the target/victim that bought into and believed the big façade.
OK, so all of this sounds like we would be the biggest fools in the world to believe any Narcissist, so why do we? How does the Narcissist get people to buy into or believe his/her boldfaced lies? Well because there are good lies that make us feel amazing and create positive emotions and then there are the bad lies that disable us AND our standing with them that will put us back in our place when we seek individuality or question their accountability or anything that questions their authority in our world. It is basic conditioning and it works like this – we want continuity because we are normal individuals and basically the Narcissist does this in a very confounding manner with that little bit of love bombing that they through in their after they have managed us down. BUT it is the betrayal that catches up to them as well as the lies they use to cover up their out-of-control lifestyle. However, we give them the benefit of the doubt because we try to apply normalcy and logic and we love them and THEY LOVE US – don’t they?
It is sort of like positive and negative reinforcement, or similar to training your dog to sit, stand and roll over. But if it were a Narcissist that pooch will get an intermittent treat when it listens attentively, but when it barks out of turn that poor pooch gets yelled at and punished with silence and isolation in its carrier – AND- ultimately with a Narcissist they will just abandon that poor pooch because they lack empathy and cannot bond to anything. That pup learns to walk on eggshells to please its master and get that treat not really knowing that its master is just cruel and enjoys the power of being in charge or controlling that sweet and loving pup. Unfortunately, humans do not respond to a ‘master,’ nor will they accept punishment, silence, or isolation and will eventually use their voice to express this/
An example to drive this point a little further! Out of the blue the Narcissist has spoken to you in a demeaning and abusive manner OR treats you like dirt. You tell OR maybe even demand that this Narcissist not talk to you or treat you that manner. That Narcissist will deny having said what they said perhaps even saying that YOU are overreacting and just too sensitive. It is an immediate reflexive response to deflect the blame right back onto you. That Narcissist is NEVER wrong so It will also be turned around and put in a new direction to make the reaction stick until you get it. You can count on this response every single time – or again basic manipulation and conditioning.
Being amoral or just numb to the existence of morality as far as their integrity goes is based solely on what the Narcissist wants – it is ALWAYS about them and THEIR needs. It is like a cantankerous, irrational three-year-old child throwing a tantrum. The Narcissist never gives up the argument. That Narcissist is standing there in front of you to win. If you engage the Narcissist, he/she will pull you down to their level. Keep engaging in an argument with a Narcissist and he/she brings it down to another level, and another level AND to a level lower than you care to stoop to, so you just stop then and there because it is just futile to go on anymore. The Narcissist has no self-respect, and behaving this way is not beneath them.
Now you are standing in front of them and they look like big boys and girls (adults) but they are dragging you back to your days at the playground and if you don’t play exactly the way they want you to play “make believe” they will throw you off of the merry-go-round. I learned this early on to disengage with my Narcissist or an argument could go on for days AND this Narcissist would easily resort to making fun of me or whatever it took to take me down. It is control pure and simple. Clinically we get here and engage in their fantasy world because it is like having a fairy Godmother/father that appears one day with their magic wand and gives us unbounding love (love bombing actually.) The Narcissists play world and castle then starts to crumble and we try to duck and protect ourselves to avoid the fallout and we get devalued and discarded for doing so.
In all honesty a Narcissist only has the mentality of a playground bully. They incorporate other kids that are weaker and smaller than them with threats to join in on their imaginary games or else. There will always be someone that asserts their individuality in the playground and that Narcissist will gang up on and harm whomever with the help of their little gang. Be assured you will be run off of that playground just for being you and not buying into the Narcissistic bullying, dysfunction and games. You may even get the Narcissist’s Mommy knocking at your door and really get in trouble.
But, no matter how big a lie or how big a fit the Narcissist throws if you allow it you are enabling the Narcissist’s lies and that is a huge mistake no matter what the cost is to you otherwise. It facilitates the Narcissist’s delusions, and it gives them a power rush and CONTROL. Thus the Narcissists is cramming his/her delusion through insults to your intelligence down your throat. You are spoiling that Narcissistic brat/bully and allowing the monster to grow and take over completely. Unfortunately, people make this mistake because of the Narcissists GOOD (but fake) qualities that preempted the appearance of this raging bully.
The process of the Narcissist seeking supply requires excitement and drama and can’t be deemed by the Narcissist to be common. The excitement and drama generated must be truly unique, ground breaking, breathtaking, overwhelming, unprecedented, and, under no circumstances, routine to the Narcissist. It has to be AMAZING so that the Narcissist is special, meaningful and significant!
The processes the Narcissist utilizes to obtain, preserve, and accumulate supply is just an imaginary environment, and a comfort zone, invented by the Narcissist. It has clear geographical and physical boundaries and the Narcissist keeps complete inventory of people, places and events. The Narcissist assigns what each and every person’s role is and he/she keeps everyone isolated from each other so nobody becomes all the wiser to his/her lies and make believe world The Narcissist compartmentalizes everybody by virtue of the needs that the Narcissist assigns!
The narcissist strives to maximize the amount of Narcissistic Supply that he/she can obtain from the people within his/her environment. The Narcissist MUST seek out and have total admiration, adoration, approval, and applause at all times. The Narcissist will step it up to even fabricate fame and notoriety with outrageous lies of achievement. None of it is real, it is all contrived and imagined – a concocted and forced ‘uniqueness’ that most people unfortunately fall for and that is the trap we fall into.
The Narcissist makes an investment based on people whose role is designed to applaud, admire, adore, approve and attend to the Narcissist’s every need. Extracting this Narcissistic Supply calls for emotional and cognitive investments from us that are overwhelming and disabling to our well-being. In turn it provides the Narcissist stability, perseverance, long-term presence, attachment, forced collaboration, unreal emotional agility (Narcissist fakes this), and people skills and so on and so forth. Basically it supports their façade and it makes them seem real to us and the world. Unfortunately, nobody can be held to the Narcissists rigid standards and out of control and constant needs so we all fall short of their expectations and graces far too easily because they get bored. We can’t live life as a statue for the Narcissist to adorn his/her façade, because we live, breath and think as an individual human being in a world where interactions are real and our right to express without being punished for just being WHO WE ARE.
So we are merely objects in their make believe world or supply. We are substitutes for them having a real life, a real vocation or actual achievements. We displace the emotional rewards of intimacy for the Narcissist with whatever role we were designed for. The Narcissist’s permanent existence in fantasyland is based on us and intended to shield him/her from the real self-destructive urges that they act on. They do for a fact act on every urge they have but it is in direct opposition to what they make us believe is real and that is where our conflict begins – holding them accountable for the lies and promises. Our role is to accept the lies and promises, to believe this was love no matter what – and the ‘what’ is horrendous abuse. It is always a growing disappointment and disillusionment for us because we get caught up in the Narcissists delusions of grandeur and reality, and it is really ugly for us when we experience this.
The Narcissist feels that he/she is entitled to special, immediate, and preferential treatment. The Narcissist demands to be recognized as outstanding, talented, and unique ALWAYS and everyone HAS to acknowledge their uniqueness or else. The Narcissist does not see why this recognition should depend on his/her achievements and efforts and feels unique by virtue of his/her sheer existence so they prefabricate anything and everything to be who they want to be.
Additionally, the Narcissist is simply unable to behave in certain ways because he/she is in constant need of all the supply available to SEEM REAL and the Narcissist always gets tangled up in their own web of deceit. The Narcissist just can’t get attached, be intimate, persevere in a relationship, be stable, predictable, or reliable because it is too limiting to them because they rely on CONSTANT EXTERNAL stimulation. It protects the Narcissist from being held accountable for anything and from being abandoned. The Narcissist anticipates the inevitable destruction of every connection he/she makes with any other human being, because life with a Narcissist is purely an emotionlessness journey with them that is laced with pathological dishonesty and ABUSE.
The basic conflict is that the two mechanisms the Narcissist employs to achieve supply are distorted and incompatible in reality. The Narcissist must establish some form of relationship to secure Narcissistic supply and to feed their addiction with continuous gratification as well as to conceal their darkness – BUT – the Narcissist can’t embark on any real relationship because that requires empathy and the ability to bond or love which is impossible for them. The Narcissist doesn’t possess any mechanism to love/bond and only offers a reflection of love that is empty, void and fails every time. Along the same lines the plan also fails because of this conflict that exists and we end up paying for it. The Narcissist needs people to feed their Narcissistic Supply but he/she can’t create that connection or associate with any person in an emotionally meaningful way so basically they reduce everyone to an object and move on when we have served our purpose. In the end, the very people who are seduced into their life to sustain the Narcissists grandiose fantasies through their adoration and attention will always find the Narcissist repulsive and too dangerous to interact with after the truth becomes apparent that love and life with a Narcissist is one big lie. The Narcissist is always on the run because their agenda and plan always fails miserably but WE pay the huge price of being abused! Knowledge and education are so important and getting the word out there that these personality disordered Narcissists are dangerous to people. This abuse is NEVER singular and affects, families, organizations or ALL people. No/Minimal contact to stop the chaos and crazy making that their lies create within our time with them. Greg