With a Narcissist every single word or action is designed to serve a purpose or a need – you must never forget this and be conned or tricked by them ever again!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
Lies and distortions of the truth are the ‘NORM’ for the Narcissist and the basis of their whole facade. So what are they in reality – whatever they want/need to be – but the façade is to cover up a very insecure and empty person that will not deal with the reality of their disordered life – not even the destruction they have caused to the people that have loved them. We are the objects they use to achieve their appearance and supply all of their needs. Nothing can penetrate their façade because their life is ONE HUGE DENIAL of the truth. They are not fully functioning humans and they need us to function and walk through life because their life is chapter after chapter of broken relationships and people that they have used and abused! This is the “Hallmark” of the Narcissist – the people they have left behind that the Narcissist blames shames and even hates. One day you wake up and the Narcissist has moved on and is now your enemy, smearing your good name to hide the truth that they were caught “red handed” in lies, betrayal, manipulation and extortion. You are one of the casualties of their abuse and there were many before you. They put families, friends, loved ones and even their own biological children right in the path of their destruction WITHOUT A CARE – because it has served them at the time.
Their personal interactions WILL give you the impression that they put themselves out for you or to help you and they will treat you like a Princess/Prince. They will take you out and buy you gifts, complimenting you, creating gestures to show they care or have thought about what you would like, treating you as a valued friend/lover, spending lots of time with you etc. They make you feel special and at this point you are special to them, not for who you are because they do not see you as an individual but instead as an object and extension of themselves. Just like buying a beautiful sports car that they drive around to boost their OWN self-worth or ego. As simple as that sounds that is as far as it goes!!!
Every action is to serve a purpose or fulfill a personal need! This is part of the ‘love bombing’ or ‘charm’ trap and with the Narcissist all of these gestures are usually undertaken on a very shallow level. In other words, these things are done for THEIR benefit to extract supply from you by creating the “image” of the day or even the hour or minute or whatever is needed to serve them and their agenda. If you are emotionally invested it is unlikely that you are going to notice until it’s too late – they are not always this nice, nor does it last very long, and this is where the danger lies and what makes them abusive to people!
Narcissists do not offer these gestures selflessly – there is a ‘rhyme to their reason.’ They also behave this way to feel good about themselves which is accomplished by your reactions of how you feel about them. It is like we are a mirror and they project whatever they can onto us to see that amazing reflection of themselves that they conjured because that is what they want – adulation and admiration. The positive feelings they extract from you are to confirm that they are important or special – what they are extracting is the supply to coincide with the false image they have created. There is no “real” self, it is just a new façade that they create over and over again with each and every source. Whatever the Narcissist wants to be, he/she WILL BE so that they get what they want – be it adulation or objectifying you to extort something! Unfortunately, the Narcissist doesn’t have the reality “reserves” to pull off this fake façade indefinitely because they lack all empathy so it is hard work for them to play with us in their pretend world for a long period of time because all of it is FAKE. They also get bored easily and to support their HUGE and empty void they continually jump to their out-of-control lifestyle to secure more and newer supply ALWAYS. They just can’t keep the game up for long because the LIES catch up with them as well as their raging anger for their accountability when we catch them red-handed.
The Narcissists charming behavior lasts as long as they get what they want from you by providing the supply that confirms their view of themselves as special – both mental and physical. In any relationship where people spend a lot of time together it is normal for both people involved to have some sense of accountability as far as it concerns bad habits and behaviors. To some degree it is just normal behavior for people to work on these bad habits and behaviors in order to try to improve the relationship. Narcissists do not react kindly to this AT ALL and they see it as an attack on their perfection. As a result of this their behavior starts to change. The lovely and awesome person you know will start to disappear as the damaged part of them emerges, the things they do to impress you will become fewer and farther in between, you will start to feel less and less special to them as they start to treat you badly and show their frustrations (overtly or covertly) at your inability to meet their needs more frequently. This is clinically called ‘devaluation’ and it is in direct response to seeing the reality of their personality disorder as well as questioning it.
During the Narcissist’s periods of frustration which are a direct result of their needs NOT BEING MET BY US they will make you aware of your inadequacies or inability to meet their needs. They will either do so overtly with raging, abandoning, publicly humiliating you, belittling/making fun of you and your abilities and possibly being abusive. Or they will do it covertly by giving you the silent treatment, sulking, discussing things that they know will upset you or behaving in ways they know you find hurtful regardless if they are related to the incident that caused THEIR frustration that YOU have caused or not but you are blamed for it. In other words, THEY ARE NEVER WRONG so don’t you dare attempt to make them feel that way. Along the same lines if their frustration stems from their own inabilities to meet their wants and needs such as not getting a promotion at a job, receiving criticism, etc. the frustration is usually transferred onto the people they interact with (often their nearest and dearest) or channeled/projected onto us. This is clinically called “transference” and what the Narcissist is in effect doing is taking their feelings of “I’m bad/inadequate/guilty” and passing them on to you or whoever is/was closely associated with the frustration because they don’t want to cope with anything that shatters their perfect image. They are always in a battle and blaming the world for their inadequacies!
In response to all of this you will only try to work harder to make them happier even though you may not have even been part of the situation that wounded their ego. You will start to question the things YOU can do to make amends for what they are feeling that bothers them which is EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD. This is exactly what they want OR the ability for you to shore up their perfect self-reflection by extracting whatever supply they need at any given moment to do so and dump their feelings of inadequacy by shifting the blame elsewhere!
They will continue to manipulate your emotions to extract more Narcissistic supply from you in many ways and it will drain you completely over time. They may even resort to intimidation and fear. They may even tell you the truth and they are no good for you and how badly they behave to gain MORE sympathy and supply (my Narcissist was great at this along with the alligator tears). Maybe you’ll jump to their defense telling them they are valuable with the renewed hope that there is something good inside of them. They are remarkable at getting the most supply out of any situation using multiple levels of manipulation. BUT IN ACTUALITY YOU ARE AIDING THEM IN EXCTRACTING THE SUPPLY THEY NEED WHEN YOU RESPOND IN THIS MANNER. Before long you won’t know what’s real or the truth from the lies and manipulation they administer to get their supply. So much time passes tending to THEIR needs because you are trying to save a relationship that you cherish or even love and you will wonder when the person you first met is going to come back. This is our empathy and unconditional love kicking in and trying to fix the relationship in a normal manner but there is nothing normal there to fix so you end up perpetually spinning your wheels and this becomes the normal in this relationship! By the time you’ve decided you’ve had enough or you’ve been dumped by the Narcissist you will already have lost sight of yourself as well as dumping so much of your own self-esteem from their manipulation.
Simply put it was all a huge con job and they needed something from you that is as important as the air they breathe – and that is your good life and your spirit to wear as their own. They went through great pains by playing love, throwing out compliments, buying you gifts, sharing what seemed to be important concepts of a wonderful relationship – BUT it was just mirroring us to achieve their own personal agenda. We make it so complex because it seemed complex and it seemed like it was real BUT it also seemed very unreal for the major portion of the time we spent with them. We have to accept the reality that NONE OF IT WAS REAL AT ALL. They were/are predators securing prey as well as extortionists that stole our very life from underneath us in a very stealth manner.
They will jump from one relationship to the next and so on and so forth replaying the same game for their whole life. They will keep running without a care of the destruction they leave behind – it is always OUR FAULT. We are all objects they use to create their false ego/image. NO CONTACT, throw them to the side of the road and drive as fast and far away from them as you can and never look back because they will gladly pull you back to abuse you again and take whatever else you have! Minimal contact when you HAVE to stay connected with them as in joint custody and ONLY business at hand. Greg