Let’s unwrap the truth about this ‘connection’ we had with a Narcissist. Narcissists loosely ‘pretend’ to care or love us for as long as we do what they want us to do for them or basically serve the particular purpose that we were PERSONALLY sourced out for. WE were only objectified to serve one of many needs that they have – we all have a particular role, purpose, AND an expiration date once we have satisfied their need(s)!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
Narcissists loosely ‘pretend’ to love us for as long as we do what they want us to do for them or again serve them. In reality we call that their ‘façade’ and one of many that they use charm or seduce their targets into their distorted agenda. Once we no longer serve a particular purpose that ‘charm’ starts dwindling away because they get bored, then the Narcissist starts cashing out on this empty investment that was only reinforced by many lies and false promises. That is when you START to get your answer or your ‘ah ha’ moment that this isn’t real love. It is never an answer in any normal sense of the word where the Narcissist gives you a justifiable reason because there is none to give, you are just fixed into their agenda to meet their needs and they are not going to admit to this OR you wouldn’t be a functional source of supply for very long or even at all. When your time is up and they are bored and ready to move onto new supply, THEN the words come from your Narcissist that are full of blame, accusations, hate, and destruction. They want to bury you under more lies and destroy your integrity so they can back out of their real agenda (to abuse you) and move onto the next person to use and abuse. They do this to avoid exposure. This is how they walk through life! Don’t forget that these creatures devalue people in a manner to psychologically abuse them by managing people down to believe their distorted accusations like you are mentally ill, defective, undeserving, worthless, and anything else to make you feel like you deserve this so you always reach out to them to help fix this distorted love WHILE YOU ARE STILL A VIABLE SOURCE. This dependency is what becomes so damaging to your spirit and integrity and what makes you so vulnerable as well as disables you with disbelief. This is the cycle of this abuse and what takes you on that journey to heal so many things that this Narcissist has destroyed in your life. This is a big ‘ah ha’ moment for everyone that has been with one of these creatures but very disabling when it becomes reality! This was a COMPLETE betrayal of your trust, your love and your whole being – or your core beliefs!
This is why letting go can be so hard for the target/victim because there are REAL emotions from REAL love that is strongly attached or mixed in with the psychological abuse and it confounds the recovery process just as it did throughout the entire distorted relationship. This love was only a means to an end with this Narcissist and there was NOTHING real about it. It becomes very confusing because even though it was all based on lies and a huge façade somehow you still love them and STILL want to sort through all of the deception to make it right with YOUR concept of that real love. This is the abuse born out of the extreme manipulation that the Narcissist created to keep you there. The loving connection you feel or felt was in place FIRST and is now lost in the behavior and circumstances of the real abuse or the devaluation and discard phases that appear LATER because of the strong manipulation and brain-washing! That may seem ridiculous to people that have never been conned into a relationship as seamlessly as a Narcissist does to their targets/victims, but they have not experienced what can be best described as psychological terrorism or psychological rape. You bonded with your trust and love to an abusive creature that doesn’t think twice about harming you, nor do they care if they hurt or destroy you as long as they get what they want.
Being on the receiving end of Narcissistic love can, will, and does make us feel like we need to try harder because of the extreme EMOTIONAL manipulation they use to keep us hanging on and we spend vast amounts of time and energy trying to fix this relationship. We were given a vision in the beginning that this was real love and we became emotionally bonded to this vision BECAUSE that was part of the big game. Unfortunately, no matter how hard we try, we can’t really get through to or connect to the other person (our Narcissist) BUT we believe that somehow it is up to us to fix the relationship because that is what the Narcissist uses as control and power over us to keep believing and hanging on while they extort our entire life away from us. This Narcissist lacks any and all emotions, empathy, and love for anything other than themselves. So what is left for us to interpret? Superficial connections and objectification which are not functional by any means, but meant to make us believe that there is something real for us there – AND AGAIN – until the Narcissist is done with us. A Narcissist can’t connect to themselves yet alone to anyone else so everything they do is superficial (fake) as it concerns bonding or a real relationship with people. They are amazingly adept at this game because most importantly it is a NEEDED part of their survival (agenda) and it is not terribly difficult for them because they are more or less mimicking the human condition or memorizing emotions, actions, reactions, etc. to seem like they are real and they have gotten pretty good at that BECAUSE THEY KNOW IT WORKS and there is a huge payoff for them!
While you keep trying to hang on to this relationship you are only burying yourself deeper and deeper in the darkness and the void that defines a Narcissist and feeding their agenda. It is this daily struggle that is so unfulfilling and damaging, as well as makes you feel so unhappy, confused, and worthless. Beyond that there is going to be a huge eye opener with the full devaluation this creature is going to throw at you when your time is up with them. It is virtually impossible to love a Narcissist normally because you are only plugging yourself into their game of abuse as their PRESENT source of supply. They are literally using up every bit of your energy and your life and reaping all the benefits. You can’t love a Narcissist because they are invisible and all you are seeing is a projected image to fool you and that would be like hugging air AND trying to love it as well.
A Narcissist can’t even see their real self, that is why they create all of these images/facades because they are completely empty and this is what they do to avoid seeing that dark reflection of themselves in a mirror. They need this reflection to feel some sort of reality as well as to get the things they need as a human being that they can’t because they are a dark, angry, and empty void. They avoid self-reflection so completely that they will defend their false image and destroy you for making them accountable for what they really are – we could make up a new descriptive phrase and call it ‘self-deflection.’ There is such a mystery to them and that in itself becomes an addiction because we thought we saw a flicker of a real person and real love but there was none and we keep searching for it and somehow blame ourselves for the loss of that image! BUT…… that idea that ‘if we just try hard enough, we will find a way to create that authentic connection’ or revive it. Unfortunately, it only kept us tied up in a relationship that really only revolved around our functionality, but it always seemed to hold the unspoken promise of one day becoming a real connection of unconditional love with us. There NEVER could be anything other than that false connection or that ‘façade’ that tricked us into this abusive and desperate love.
The message that was always there was that we had to keep changing to meet this critter’s needs and unfortunately we listened to this and made it our goal. It was only a diversion to control us and that is the vicious cycle we get so caught up in and end up losing ourselves completely. Trying harder is not going to unlock the magic door to their unavailable and dead soul because you are dealing with a needy void and not a NORMAL person. The unfortunate consequence to this is that you will have to grieve this empty love just as if it were real. Unfortunately, there is the psychological damage that destroyed your integrity (and trust of people) that is also attached and it requires many, many steps to actualize the entirety of this BUT we must take this journey forward to recovery or remain a casualty forever and that is not an option!
Believing in them kept the painful reality at bay. At some point we must see the truth and accept it as well as the fact that it is impossible to love or be loved by the Narcissist. The real picture will unfortunately reveal itself and you will hear things that will make you feel sick to your stomach. You will question yourself in so many ways and beat yourself up over all of it. Why didn’t you see this coming, why did you keep trying and hanging onto this monster? You will feel defective and worthless and maybe even deserving of all of this! It is not answerable in any one given manner as far as applying the fault to yourself. Let it go because that doesn’t help you achieve clarity, nor opens a door to recover from this toxic relationship. It only sends you deeper into this abuse by blaming yourself! You must accept the real truth to move forward and stop the defective images of the manipulation that reside in your heart and mind. Narcissists PLAY big time games and they are completely unavailable to ANYONE in this world. The person you were before this was conned and the person you are now is still being conned and you MUST get away completely to achieve clarity and move on. In reality we all know it takes two to have a healthy relationship, and there were two in this relationship and one person was real but unfortunately the other one pretended to be real because they had an agenda to make this SEEM real so they could use you and they were seamless with the game.
Your heart is unconditional and you are full of goodness and empathy, but protect that now that you have started to close that door to this Narcissist because they will always welcome you back for more abuse! If you have ever tried to really help a Narcissist as most of us have you know that if you get too close to the truth of what they are, it will blow up in your face and cause you horrendous damage. The Narcissist doesn’t want to be fixed or have their issues solved. They want to escape with absolutely NO accountability to the truth as it concerns them, they will ALWAYS blame others for their problems and the way they ABUSE people. No matter what you say or do, the Narcissist will shift all of the blame back onto you! Attempting to reason or demanding accountability would be like throwing acid in their face and they will find every reason to divert from divulging the truth. It is a tactic on their part that they have used all of their life. Blaming others keeps the Narcissist at arm’s length from their true darkness as well as their many issues. They have spent their entire life living under this shield of protection and you or nobody else can make them see the truth. They will strike out at you in such a manner that will hurt you more than you already are and destroy your integrity to others in the process.
So despite everything you truly and deeply loved this person, or a Narcissist! Somewhere deep down inside of you there are feelings that have been buried and have only shown up as feelings of frustration because of how hard you tried. Let these feelings surface. Society has sort of taught through imposed beliefs how we are supposed to feel as well as what we are not supposed to feel, but this is very different and deserves respect and patience because it is abuse! We are told we MUST NOT be victims. Unfortunately, we are victims but we never wanted this or to become one. It is a reality that must be processed to heal and that is understanding it all. I hate the word victim but I understand my reality and I am not going to write it off in favor of being stigmatized by a word. I lived through something called abuse from a monster that blamed me, isolated me from life, and disabled me – so I am not going to acknowledge a frame of reference that disallows my recovery because of a label someone created that now tells me I am even MORE wrong and must not speak out. Victim’s become survivors by actualizing the truth! We all know how damaging it can be if we stay in this victim role, but that is our FIRST cry for help because we need support, education, love and a hand to pull us back up. I have heard from too many people that buried so much of this and it resurfaces and locks them up in many years of mistrust and isolation because they were told to move on. Educate yourself, get healthy again and then work on ‘you!’ YES, you must move on and away from everything Narcissist once you get it and stop talking abuse or Narcissist because YOU are what is important now. It is a personal process and different for everyone! No/minimal contact. Greg