When the Narcissist wants something from you, they will tell you what you want hear, or do what they need to do to get what they want.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
So is a Narcissist aware of their behavior and that what they are doing is wrong? Yes, and no. Some of their behaviors are so ingrained in their neural pathways that they’ve become habitual and they usually don’t give it much thought – BUT that doesn’t make it right OR they are unaware of what they do. But when a Narcissist is stalking prey and trying to get what he/she wants AND in the moment that Narcissist is aware of what they are doing. The Narcissist has perfected their game plan and attack and knows that they are misleading you, but they just don’t care.
We all understand that if we want ‘something’ to happen we must do ‘something’ to achieve the desired result and so does the Narcissist. If you look at the manipulative aspect of a Narcissist, YES they are aware that they are manipulating you, just part of the covert operation to seduce you in. So you must believe that when they want something from you, they will tell you what you want hear, or do what they need to do to get what they want, knowing full well that he/she is lying, betraying, as well as the Narcissist has absolutely no intention of delivering on any promises that they made WITHIN the manipulation process. The Narcissist wants ABSOLUTELY everything on THEIR terms and they don’t concern themselves with how you will feel about it OR anything about YOU. You are ONE of MANY opportunities that the Narcissist uses to get everything that they want – but they are seamless with the seduction to get you to give into whatever it is they want and make you think you are their ‘one and only!’
Think about the distorted behavior of a drug addict. They will lie, steal, cheat, and manipulate to get their next fix. They most certainly know what they are doing is wrong, but they don’t care, because THEY NEED THAT NEW FIX. This ‘not caring’ has been going on so long that every time they find themselves in a moral conundrum, it gets easier and easier to justify their behavior. All they concern themselves with is getting their next hit or fix, regardless of the consequences to anyone else. The Narcissist in an amazingly similar fashion does EXACTLY the same thing AND all the Narcissist concerns themselves with is obtaining their much needed supply and this outweighs all other considerations.
Most people are guided by their healthy and good conscience and stable or good people govern their actions based on real feelings, healthy morals, compassion and the ability to put themselves in another person’s shoes. But what happens when you don’t have any type of moral compass, or when you lack empathy? When none of that is present what is left? To answer this question, you need to know exactly what you are dealing with and the level of their emotional impairment. With a Narcissist you are dealing with an emotionally and psychologically abusive person that is dangerous to people and life in general!
All of us are able to rationalize and justify our actions to some degree, a Narcissist just does it on a grander and very delusional scale. Mainly because they are missing or completely void of integral emotional components that impairs their ability to consider the feelings of others. Because a Narcissist doesn’t consider how their actions will affect you, there isn’t really a right or wrong component included in their decision making process. Since your feelings were never even a tiny consideration to him/her, and when the Narcissist hurts you they can easily absolve themselves of any wrong doing because hurting you wasn’t something they necessarily intended to do, it was just part of the collateral damage to get what they wanted. If you are hurt that is your fault. I remember my Narcissist’s mother saying to me one time that ‘so and so’ (my Narcissist) would lie when they were a child if they did something that would hurt somebody’s feelings, because the little Narcissist wanted to protect the feelings of others. No consideration of what the little Narcissist did that was very wrong that hurt the person (accountability,) but somehow there was goodness in lying to cover up the truth. I am sure my eyebrows were raised at the time! Now that the little Narcissist is all grown up and they do it on a magnanimous scale and destroy families. Trickledown effect?
The bottom line is, whether or not a Narcissist is aware their behavior is wrong is irrelevant as it concerns us. The question you should be asking yourself is, ‘Why am I still involved with a person who displays this destructive Narcissistic behavior?’ ‘What am I getting out of this,’ AND most importantly ‘when am I getting out of this?’ When these ‘what’s and when’s’ appear in our vocabulary it is usually too late because at that point we realize that we have lived in a horrible battle zone called emotional and psychological abuse and the damage is done.
The emotionally unavailable behavior of a Narcissists quite clearly points to the fact that this is a relationship that is totally one-sided. The façade to cover up the Narcissist’s delusional and harmful aspects describes the reality of the destruction and damage they impart onto their targets/victims. They blow hot and cold in their relationships, they’re self-centered, they have an entitlement mentality and they don’t take responsibility for any of their actions AT ALL. They have a difficulty forming attachment bonds with others and tend to have huge emotional walls built because of their disorder that doesn’t allow any real bonding to occur. They can’t even form a real bond with their biological children and can dump them just as easy as anybody else! The Narcissist will fight you tooth and nail to escape from being exposed even if this means completely destroying your integrity and leaving a family behind.
Narcissists have a weak and very fragile self-esteem so they completely depend on others for validation and their sense of self-worth. Narcissists need to feed off of the admiration and esteem of others, like people need oxygen to breath and water to drink. Without it they withdraw and spiral into a deep depression this is why they form their longer term relationships to assure the availability of 24/7 supply. But they will sneak out and find more sources of supply when they have the opportunity to do so. This need makes them predator-like and willing to say and do whatever is necessary to obtain supply and to get what they want quickly and seamlessly.
When Narcissists do engage in long term relationships, the most prevalent thing that is missing is a sincere or REAL emotional bond. Many partners, targets/victims of Narcissists say that they never really could get close to them and therefore have never really known them at all. I for one NEVER really knew my Narcissist at all! Narcissists are not nostalgic about any one person, place, or thing. Nothing seems to hold any deep sentimental value or emotional attachment for them unless they are making up a story to get some sort of reaction. They compartmentalize everything and everyone as a source of supply, and can have many different supply sources going on at one time (different relationships.) Each source of supply gets their own personalized relationship with a Narcissist because they are so adept at shape shifting to fit exactly into a particular situation that benefits or serves them. They lie, manipulate, con and lack the ability to feel empathy or remorse so they do what they want without a conscience. They have poor impulse control and engage in high risk behavior all the time. Narcissists have a high sense of entitlement and a very smug demeanor of getting what they want and not caring. Their emotions are either nonexistent, or so far off the emotional chart that they don’t even resemble anything near the ‘real’ human connection.
So ask yourself what type of connection would you still want with a Narcissist? Do you want to be their savior and healer, or save yourself to be free again to love and heal from the damage inflicted onto and into you? Think about what you gave and what was given in return. Think about the dark roads this Narcissist travels to get their fix from life and other human beings. With my Narcissist it was/is sex sites and a constant search for a fix with strangers betraying everybody and anybody, but then the next day this Narcissist will be preaching on a pulpit and hiding behind religion, morality, ethics, etc., and blaming and shaming people for what this Narcissist does and has done.
It is an awful perception and reality when you know you believed as you have been taught to believe in people (and love) and then find out that your emotions and mind was attacked by one of these creatures AND they are out there corrupting someone else’s mind. Unfortunately, you have to push this aside so that you can recover from this abuse completely or live out your life with the regret of being abused by a Narcissist. You can’t save their next target/victim because they are imprisoned by the same manipulation and abuse that you were. You also have to accept the fact that you MUST protect yourself from this creature pulling you back into the abuse, because once you have wounded them they have a new game plan to destroy whatever they can as it concerns you to avoid exposure. This is their world and one we cannot share any part of, so please internalize this description and picture of what a Narcissist is and release yourself from any blame or shame and accept that they are disordered and not fully functioning human beings and unfortunately you fell into their trap. PLEASE go no/minimal contact and run for your life and never stop to turn around and look back! Forget about everything Narcissist and give yourself the self-compassion you need to heal and move forward! Greg