This is all about the methodical and MECHANICAL cycle of this abuse – the love bombing, devaluation, discard and then the Narcissist with new supply within a very short period of time. This is just a new person for this Narcissist to cycle into abuse and more than likely they have been searching for, procuring, and building up a harem of new supply throughout your entire relationship with them.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/
So many times, I have received emails and questions that concern the Narcissist moving on so quickly after the relationship has ended, as well as why the target/victim feels so distraught as if the Narcissist is actually in a loving relationship and HAPPY with the new supply. These same thoughts seem to be a reoccurring theme and for a long time and they are very disabling to the target/victim and keep dragging them BACK into the abuse or what I call ambient abuse.
Of course my answer is a resounding NO about them being happy or better off, and I am going to try to respond with tangible words to explain why so many targets/victims feel that their abusive Narcissist has SOMEHOW become this amazing and loving person.
First take yourself back to the first days you were with your Narcissist. Were you in love or feeling a love connection. Did you BELIEVE that what you had was really LOVE? Well the answer of course is yes. This all falls under the category of how an abusive Narcissist ‘love bombs’ their target/victim to lure them in by gaining their trust through mimicking this mechanical love. Well this new supply is in YOUR shoes now and responding to the same disordered and manipulative gestures from the Narcissist and it all APPEARS to be a viable relationship to them too! Do you also remember that you may have shared this amazing love story with friends or relatives, as well as posted pictures or comments on social media sites about your amazing adventures with your Narcissist, or announcing your relationship? Did you marry your Narcissist or move in together? Did you go through the channels that most people that are in love do to allow your immediate circle of friends to embrace your new life adventure? Probably the answer again is yes and you were only doing what normal or real people do that are in love. Nothing wrong with it. So probably the new supply is doing the same thing because he/she is in the same trap that you were in AND unfortunately you are seeing it or it comes back to you!
BUT the main factor here is that this is the same abusive Narcissist but with a new person. You CAN’T forget that you were with an emotionally abusive and controlling creature that would eventually demean, devalue and discard you AND this abusive creature is going to repeat this same process with the new SUPPLY just as they did with you. Unfortunately, the fact that this is a trap isn’t included when the ‘love bombing’ is going on because this is what abusers (Narcissists) do. They trap, ensnare, gain our trust, and con us or process us in a manner to manage us down to gain control and power over us psychologically and emotionally. The ‘doubt’ messages were there in our subconscious (intuition) just as they are with the new supply but like us they are more than likely bending and justifying the little quirks about this Narcissist especially during the ‘love bombing.’
Now ask yourself were you a mentally challenged person when you entered into this relationship? I would believe most would say no. Unfortunately, as time went on you were described as practically insane by the Narcissist, as well as a couple hundred other things to make you out to be worthless and that takes time to purge out of your mind. You were managed down slowly but surely to accept this role with your abuser without even knowing it and AGAIN the new supply will be managed down and disabled in the same way that you were! You were blamed, shamed, told you were everything bad. With that in mind you were put in a role that locked your mind up in these distortions (brainwashing, gas-lighting, manipulation, etc.) and trying to do more and more to alleviate all of these so-called problems you had to get the relationship back on track. The Narcissist was the driving force behind all of this to keep you trapped in confusion each and every day. FINALLY, when all was said and done the final messages were that YOU were the problem that caused this relationship to end and you have actualized that and accept some if not all of that blame or that brainwashing from this creature. Remember they had an arsenal of tools to do this because that is what they do and they will be utilizing these tools with this new supply too! Don’t ever forget that they are Narcissists and abusers and they haven’t changed overnight – BUT they have moved over to a new source of supply and are starting up the whole cycle of abuse again.
The love bombing or the feeling of being in love became a distant memory and a goal that you desperately worked on each and every day to try to fix so you could return to that amazing ‘love.’ This became all-encompassing and probably for a very long time. It actually became a part of you and is still there residing inside of you and now it is traumatizing because you lost the so-called battle and you have no closure or answers. Now you are basically disabled by all of the abuse with so many questions and looking from the outside in at the Narcissist and this so called new and amazing life of theirs. That Narcissist warned you that you better change OR ELSE. Well the ‘or else’ happened and who are you blaming? Yourself! You are in a position that you are very vulnerable and isolated because there is not much support for you out there. You search for PERSONAL answers wherever you can find them and sometimes that leads you to places you shouldn’t be like peaking at the Narcissists activity on the internet, etc. There are no answers because there was NEVER any truth in this relationship and anybody else that KNOWS this Narcissist is under the influence of other lies from the Narcissist – SO there is never anything but the Narcissist’s façade that is personally created for every person they meet so that it serves EVERY need the Narcissist has – that includes supporters that protect this abuser.
So today or whatever day you are sitting there and feeling such a debilitating and sick feeling in the pit of your stomach because of something you saw or heard that this Narcissist is off and having the time of their life with a new person is just all about the Narcissist warping (manipulating) your reality AGAIN AND the new supplies unfortunately. This is still all about the devaluation that you spent so much of your time trying to reconcile – you believed that so much of this was your fault and that lingers in your mind. You are still trying to fix this (or justify it) in some manner to ALLEVIATE the pain you feel, but now it is only at a distance and you are the only participant. That Narcissist is off and into a new target/victim, so you keep searching for those answers where there really aren’t any REAL answers and only images that lead you back to feeling like YOU were/are unworthy. We BELIEVE in them when in reality there is NOTHING that we can believe in!
OK so your Narcissist is sending all kinds of messages that they are in love, maybe they got married within a few weeks or months after they abandoned you. First who does that – you don’t meet someone within days or weeks of a breakup and commit to them. WELL a Narcissist does AND probably did this when they met you and had supply on the side the whole time as backup. I learned recently that my Narcissist LIED and was still married and still living with their spouse for a good year into our relationship. What I am trying to get at is that this is all about the same methodical and MECHANICAL cycle of this abuse – the love bombing, devaluation, discard and then the Narcissist with new supply within a very short period of time. This is just a new person for this Narcissist to cycle into abuse and more than likely they have been searching for, procuring, and building up a harem of new supply throughout your entire relationship with them. This is a Narcissist, this is how they manipulate, control, use, abuse and then discard people to get to other supply! THIS is why we must get away from these creatures.
SO that pretty picture about the two of them out there and being in love, etc., is that Narcissist SECURING new supply to LOCK into the debilitating abuse PURE and SIMPLE. Call it stage one or whatever but it is EXACTLY what you went through. You still feel attached at the hip to this Narcissist because you had REAL emotions as they concerned YOUR relationship and probably still love or care for them. Unfortunately, even though the Narcissist was akin to a monster the love you felt for them doesn’t just disappear when you finally realize that what you loved was an abusive Narcissist. Because you loved them DOESN’T make you weak or anything negative because we all fall in love but unfortunately what we fell into was a trap and con job that was expertly executed and NOW being done to the new target. Your emotions WILL still come into play when you are trying to actualize the truth of this whole mess and especially after seeing that they have moved on so quickly and you are still crawling your way out of the huge void they left for you and feeling traumatized and vulnerable. You HAVE to separate yourself from emotions with pure facts that they are abusers pure and simple. It isn’t easy when you are so vulnerable, but at least if you can say to yourself that they are abusers and what they have with the new supply is just as unreal as what you experienced, it will start to plant a seed in your mind that will grow with time (and more education) – AND A CLEARER PICTURE about the truth.
Narcissist don’t love they secure supply and trap that supply with what appears to be love BUT ISN’T anything near it. You are seeing your life with them being repeated in the EXACT same pattern. The only coefficient that is different here is the new supply that is NONE THE WISER. That new supply is the new you and will be in your shoes one day. It is just a matter of time until the new supply figures it all out and that could be months to years, but BE ASSURED it WILL happen as it did to you and anyone else that was connected to this Narcissist. All their relationships failed and guess whose fault it was? Well the Narcissist isn’t going to admit that they are disordered and not a fully functioning human so it is ALWAYS the other person that gets the blame so they can AVOID EXPOSURE to move onto new supply. It is like they are saying “look at me I am the normal one here that has moved on” – but it is really them pulling the wool over everybody’s eyes in their quest to blend into our world without being cast out for being an abuser.
Take yourself back and how you were duped into this relationship and you handed all of your trust over to this Narcissist. Did you somehow magically change and become so disordered that you deserved to be dehumanized and abused like you were? NO, NO, NO – this is what abuse is all about as it concerns this predator securing new supply. Again it is just using control as a tool to isolate a target, gain power over them and keeping them dancing with the disordered Narcissist. It is objectification and subjugation of a human being!
If you ever broke up from a previous and normal relationship did you feel this disconnected and left without any sense of closure? Were you hated as a Narcissists hates their ex’s, or was your integrity destroyed? Only Narcissists do this with astonishing agility to destroy those that they know they have harmed! Just look for the Narcissist’s past and you won’t find it anywhere within reach of the new supply. The Narcissist separates their past from their present for a reason and that is to avoid exposure. You could talk until you are blue in the face to the new supply but you will probably get nowhere because they believe just as you did at one time that THIS IS THEIR SOUL MATE. But they do know something is not quite right even now and trust me on this one!
So remember, every message you may hear or see is sent to make you feel jealous, hurt you and manage you down more AND to keep you vulnerable and silent. WHO does something like this but a highly disordered person. When I look back and piece these messages together I only see ‘crazy making’ and contradictory messages like the Narcissist had to convince many people once more that another failed relationship was NOT their fault. I saw this Narcissist back on their moralistic pulpit praying for everybody and their brother on the internet and PRETENDING to be such a strong and moral character but I was receiving emails about their perverted sex life in private. I had to hear about their new supply and how wonderful life was through text messages and emails, but I also saw this Narcissist on sex sites looking for ‘other’ playmates. If I was to write all of the things I was told or saw I would have to believe that my Narcissist has married this SAME supply 3 or four times already BUT they never were! Again, my point – just more lies and deception or exactly what a Narcissist does.
This is nothing new for a Narcissist to have so much craziness around them – this is their out-of-control lifestyle, but unfortunately they HAVE to have a 24/7 source of supply there to drag through their perverted world – and that was all of our roles as it is the new supplies role now. When relationships end both parties usually move on, but the Narcissist does not allow this because they still want to control and demean us and if you partake in any of their messages you will only stay frozen within those messages. But if you allow yourself time to heal and NEW clarity you will see through all of their deceit.
The emotions that we draw our conclusions from loving this Narcissist can damage us more and become a driving force especially as it concerns this abuse. There is no closure just tons of messages from a disordered creature that wants you to feel their wrath as well as abuse you just a little bit more to perhaps take you over the edge – I had to deal with this for almost a YEAR. Don’t let it because it will only lock you up in a vicious circle of obsessive thoughts that have no basis of reality because you are dealing with a Narcissist and you NOW know what they are and do. They want to continue to control you and enjoy it with all of their off-color messages and gestures of happiness. The many supporters they SEEM to have are surface friends that haven’t had to deal with their abuse personally as we have so they are clueless and lack the depth to see the real truth. Narcissist don’t maintain or harbor deep friendships, they only con and abuse. We can’t blame the new supply or dislike them, because we were in THEIR shoes once and look where it got us, BUT we also protected the monster and stayed with them until we couldn’t anymore.
When you feel the urges to drown yourself with emotions, just remember those emotions were real to you and you are an amazing person that can love but that person you loved was stealing your life through this love. They are disordered and will always be that way. You must separate your emotions from the reality of WHAT they are and build on that aspect through more education. There is NOTHING amazing about them and never will be, they will continue abusing people and tricking all of their little minions that they manipulate as well.
The cost of your relationship was a deep psychological punch to your mind and soul that left scars. Don’t ask yourself to justify anything about your Narcissist and new supply as being good or real. Don’t connect to ANYTHING that they are waving in your face at a distance because they are doing it for a reason to protect themselves and fool OTHER people into believing their incredulous lies and disordered lifestyle – they are actors that crave adulation, attention and drama. Try to stay away from any thoughts about them as it concerns you and the love you felt. Turn that back into yourself and take your power back. Love yourself because that is where you will see the results that will take you on a journey to recovery! No/minimal contact and no peaking to see what is going on in their world. It is a dark and disordered world that you should never look back at. Greg