MORE about interactions and communication with a Narcissist – the tools they use to con, manipulate, brain-wash and trick you into BELIEVING! They are one big lie all wrapped up into a shiny façade that is personally designed for each of us!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
When we are relating to this Narcissist our interactions with them are basically ‘REACTIONS’ that a Narcissist provokes by either subtle positive interrogation (CHARM) or putting us on the defensive so we are always having to explain ourselves in some manner – it is basic conditioning or psycho-grooming when it concerns a Narcissist. It all stems from their ‘shrewd technique’ or sourcing us out by gaining our trust in that ‘charm’ or ‘love bombing’ phase and THAT is when they break into our heads through our hearts. They have gathered all kinds of information that they have stored away in their memory for the future to manipulate and use against us. It is part of their big game plan! Significant or insignificant information, positive or negative — it is all up there in their head and they will use it in MANY ways to control us in this connection we have with them. That is where they also learn our internal works or how to be JUST LIKE US and seeming like they have so much in common with us. Remember they are always after something!
A Narcissist knows how to manipulate something in a way that makes us feel like we must justify or explain ourselves and our position or WANT to tell them some of our deepest secrets. They can make any conversation escalate into an argument by pushing the right buttons or the direct opposite by throwing us a little bone to get us feeling very good about sharing something very personal. With the negative aspect, they are so good at making us feel angst and getting upset that we end up looking like the ANGRY one or even the crazy one because of how we react to their craziness. This is all basically chaos and a routine they use regularly on their targets/victims to confuse them or to divide and conquer. So basically, they are managing us to get us to elicit whatever they need from us emotionally and psychologically.
Any communication with a Narcissist is an exercise in futility and pure frustration because you are not dealing with a real person but you BELIEVE they are real and try to be REAL back to them and this is where we lose our mind. Arguing or debating with them should be avoided at all costs because it will only provoke them into an attack and RAGE – and they enjoy this challenge as we have all experienced. Challenging them ENABLES them to really put their chaos into effect and that is where they will use whatever they can against you and drag their supporters, minions, or whomever they need to drive their deluded points home. This has no effect on THEM because it is a just a tool they use to debase and malign all people – REMEMBER they are looking to create that reaction. If we could have only kept our thoughts and feelings private, we would have saved ourselves so much of this disabling distress. Unfortunately, we trusted these individuals and divulged things because we believed they earned our trust, but they manipulated us into trusting them to fulfill their manipulative agenda. Hindsight is always 20/20. How could we have known at the time that we were dealing with a personality disordered Narcissist? But now that we DO KNOW we can disengage completely to stop the chaos and crazy making. Knowledge is power!
Narcissists have MANY tools in their arsenal or weapons that they use to constantly keep us in a state of despair or in a ‘fog.’ A Narcissist has been this way for a very long time and they just go into autopilot to make the negative things happen (conditioning) so in essence they can always blame you and manage you and everyone down to manage themselves UP and always feel superior. Sounds a bit crazy but then again it is crazy making!
Conversations are very calculated and riddled with Illogical arguments and distorted views that definitely wreak havoc on your mental faculties. Narcissists must constantly do this to avoid falling into the depths of their own disordered reality, or the awareness of just how empty AND sick they really are so everything is basically a diversion in life (just like you and I)! If they can make YOU angry or make THEMSELVES look good with their façade it works for them and somehow it makes them feel alive or better yet superior. Remember they have disassociated from themselves so they do NOT get those real rules, emotions, empathy, etc., that you and I understand and work with. For some reason they have an affinity to making people fear them. Perhaps by playing these ridiculous and irrational mind games they think they raise themselves out of that dark world where they actually reside by tearing someone else down and walking all over that other person’s emotions and trampling down all of their boundaries. Think of bullies that have to put other people down or harm them so that they feel superior, but with a Narcissist this is all encompassing as far as their personality is concerned – as a matter of fact it IS THEIR COMPLETE being. They get a high from it that shores up their omnipotence. REMEMBER that they are the eternal victims of the world and to get there they MUST blame somebody.
SO within this processing that they do to each of us, they are essentially sucking a person’s spirit right out of them or feeding off of the negativity and managing down the target/victims as well as destroying their self-respect! So, let’s apply the logic here and that is how the Narcissist gets THEIR self-respect, by stealing if from others. They have absolutely no respect for life in reality but AGAIN this desperation they create with people serves them because it EMPOWERS them and takes our power away and they feel in CONTROL. There is no semblance of order in their world whatsoever so this is basically their ‘modus operandi’ or mode of operation. It is despicable in itself that they infiltrate our world to harm us, but how they get us there to trust and listen to them is even more despicable because they manufacture a fake love or CHARM first so we develop feelings or emotions for them (bond) and then they use this emotional power against us as part of the BIG con or agenda.
LOTS of thoughts I put out there in an attempt to explain what is actually going on. In essence they play this game to fight off the awareness of what a contemptible and empty creature they are and how they NEED us to feel real in our world. If they make themselves BETTER than us, then they are better than us – well they think that and so do their supporters and minions. They are not powerful, they are NEGATIVE and use this as a weapon to control and harm the very people that love them and that is just crazy and so backward. So, we constantly ask ourselves why do they do this, why did they pretend to love us to devalue us. WHY, why, why? Because these are very dysfunctional creatures that have extreme envy and even hate at the core of their disorder. You can’t put a real spin on this that would ever explain the why because they are disordered, BUT you can see a clear picture or a reality shot of the complete game they play and it is destructive. That is all we need to know and that they will never change so we CANNOT have a real connection or ANY connection with them. You are NOT crazy THEY make you feel crazy! Say that over and over again until you actually get it.
So, let’s just say that they ward off awareness of their extreme neediness by projecting most of it off and onto their target/victim – that blame thing again so they can cast it off and away from themselves. But it is a vicious cycle with them because their existence will constantly challenge them and their illusions of their superiority. Normal people can’t coexist in this parasitic relationship, especially one where your individuality is always questioned and denied — you are consistently managed down to question your sanity. The Narcissist destroys every relationship because of their vast insecurities and need to win and feel superior. It is a dysfunctional cycle where they take every person from idealization to discard or ‘from charm to harm’ to achieve their dose of life sustaining supply. You must understand that this Narcissist is nothing even near happy or full of the charm they exude. Their inner mind is so riddled with their insecurities and insatiable need for attention that it completely rules their world because otherwise it is EMPTY. They are stuck in this defensive mode and are constantly on the defensive because the slightest insult can send them into a major Narcissist injury! When I look back I see quite a few of these chaotic characters that I worked with, or ended up in a temporary friendship, encountered in organizations, etc. My point is that they are out there everywhere!
All of this managing down is done in a manner to create a strong connection AND dependence on them (the Narcissist) and this gives them that superiority they crave. They isolate you from YOUR world and make you beg for THEIR approval by tapping into whatever they can to make you crave their constant approval. They have to control their target/victims to stay in control themselves or that mask would come flying off and you would see the real monster behind it. If that monster would reveal itself, it would be hauled off and locked away in a cage and THEY KNOW IT. Control is power to a Narcissist and without it they have nothing but the personality disorder that defines them SO as many have also experienced they will smear your good name and integrity to WIN.
PLEASE understand that the feeling of worthlessness that the Narcissist creates in your psyche is more PERCEIVED than real OR what the Narcissist says and does to make you FEEL like this worthless person that NEEDS them. They have slowly but surely trained you to beg for their approval through manipulation and managing you down. Think of that puppy that I so full of love that you offer a bone or treat to TEACH them to sit, stay, rollover, etc. Well there you have it, the Narcissist basically uses this technique on the people that love them, but a Narcissist would also be using a newspaper and smacking our nose more so than giving us a treat! Puppies love unconditionally and no matter what. Human beings also love unconditionally but that also implies that we are individuals that deserve reciprocation and individualism (pups do too)! We voice concerns and at times disagree and many other things. If you point out an error a Narcissist made, they go right into that defensive mode and counter any such notions with anger, venting, rage, cold-shoulder, silencing, or withdraw to punish.
So, to put it in a nutshell here are some facts about what is spinning around in that Narcissist’s delusional mind as well as some of the things they do! They groom people through a manipulation cycle of charm and rage to sell their distorted reality and rationalizations to their targets/victims. Along the same lines, Narcissists are extremely skilled at making anyone under their influence crave their approval. They use a distorted form of judgment making you believe you are OK and then you are not OK to keep you off balance and always blameworthy! They will pull the rug right from underneath you to always keep you down! They jump into their defensive mode frequently and will even LOVE to say that they are STRONG and people just don’t like that – no they are disordered and attack people to control them!
A Narcissist will make you feel special and then emotionally distance themselves from you in so many ways that keep you unsure of yourself. Virtually all of their ideas or the way they behave in any given situation is stolen from others, perhaps people they know and think of as superior – they have copycat personalities. Narcissists expect others to do mundane things, since they feel they are just too important to do such things – people are basically servants to them. They are blowhards, braggers, brow-beaters, bullies, big-headed, but totally bogus. They will very rarely talk about their inner life, memories and dreams, or emotions BECAUSE THEY HAVE NONE but they have many lies! Narcissists demand your trust rather than earning it. They only see you as extensions of themselves and you are not allowed any individuality and freedom. They fail to recognize people’s emotions and feelings because all they can recognize is their own needs and wants. To sum it up – they are emotional and psychological abusers! No/minimal contact to move forward always! Greg