You must stop traveling through the past to review everything that you could have done to change any of this, make it work, fix the relationship or anything – what you can change is accepting the truth and the reality that you were in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship and you are so very lucky to be out of it now. Self-reflection is a NOW an opportunity to grow and heal by understanding the process of abuse and how it was situational and there is absolutely nothing you can have done OR do to change this except to move on.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
OK so now we’re faced with ourselves and YIKES to this. Our self-esteem is crushed, we feel humiliated, we are hurt, vulnerable, confused, traumatized and having to start out on a journey we never expected we would be on. Out of the ashes comes some harsh reality. We may be ashamed to admit that our partner, spouse, family member or friend was abusive and mentally disordered or a Malignant Narcissist because what does THAT say about us now? As we learn about this abuse we will learn a lot about ourselves too.
OK so ‘it is what it is’ and now we must move forward by first understanding that no matter what the situation is about us personally, NOBODY deserves to be abused and NEVER and I mean never blame yourself for this abuse. Stop traveling through the past to review everything that you could have done to change any of this, make it work, fix the relationship or anything – what you can change is accepting the truth and the reality that you were in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship and you are so very lucky to be out of it now. Self-reflection is a NOW an opportunity to grow and heal by understanding the process of abuse and how it was situational and there is absolutely no acceptable reason or justification for the abuse you experienced. Let it be a guide to help you grow from this terrible experience, and use it as part of the education to create a process to make yourself emotionally healthy again and strong.
Remember if you blame yourself or accept some theory that says you are responsible for this, you are only blaming yourself like the Narcissist did to you throughout the whole relationship and essentially saying that you are an unhealthy person and have always been that way and deserved this. Get healthy first with the many ‘ah ha’ moments you gain from knowledge, education and support. With a healthy mind you will make the necessary perspective and changes to create the healthy boundaries you need. You will dig deep down inside of yourself and heal anything that may have kept you hanging onto this desperate love. You WILL have a rebirthing process where you change many things about yourself to NEVER allow any toxic behavior back into your life. You WILL grow to your fullest potential after experiencing such darkness – that is what we do as humans. Remember that the Narcissist attacked your vulnerabilities and made you hyperaware of them in a manner that you believe that defined your totality.
Here is something else we must also consider. We are now the lucky recipients of some amazing first-hand knowledge of these chameleons, shape shifters, or human impersonators. Down the road, we do come out of this horrendous experience a lot smarter and more self-aware about people and life – and yes to LOVE too. We all function at our best when we can put our real empathy, love, and nurturing/helping talent to good use in life – don’t lose that just tweak it so that you give it to deserving and real people. Also, be good to yourself and carefully pick those who deserve your special talents, abilities, amazing qualities, and love. There is a wonderful world waiting out there BUT we have to remember that life is not always about a prince/princess charming being the center of our universe. That is a fable to understand what love could be and it can be – but don’t forget that there are also the fables and stories out there about the monsters that ALSO could be or can be there too. When you become strong and whole again you will adapt to a life that is somewhere in between the fairy tales and monster stories – or normal relationships with good people.
You have to get very cuddly and loving with yourself because every second of blame and pain from remorse is only keeping you frozen in the pain and anguish of the abuse and STUCK – that is what causes us to travel back to all of those ‘what ifs!’ Own it for sure, deal with it, align your truths that it was abuse and then discard it along with every negative message and action from this Narcissist. You feel enough pain as it is so don’t reinforce it or add to it, hug yourself instead and on a REGULAR basis. Be easy on yourself and enjoy the simple truths of life, the small goodness you see in the miracles that are all around you, because life is meant to enjoy. This may seem like silly words but put yourself out there in a manner to see that life is good and understand that you CAN’T allow this Narcissist to live in your head forever because it is blinding your ability to see a good future and to live once again. Resolve will bring you back around again to goodness and clarity that life does offer AND you deserve it. Always returning or continued contact with a Narcissist or any abuser is not going to change anything and only keeps you hanging on to some sort of false hope. If you are having difficulty with this professional therapy is needed to break the cycle of abuse – and again IF you are stuck in it!
What will become one of the strongest esteem building tools in OUR arsenal is the power that comes from removing ourselves from the abuse because we get it! NO CONTACT is born out of the real NEED to separate and distance ourselves physically, emotionally and verbally from a disordered and dangerous Narcissist. Time and distance have a wonderful way of bringing clarity to this situation and a surefire way to heal. These abusers will leave us in the most emotionally crushing way they can because this is what they do! They choose the perfect timing and they inflict great emotional devastation, and they also enjoy doing it. They take what is near and dear to you or your reality and crush it as they casually walk away because they want you down because then they remain in control. In time we realize the relationship was doomed to failure, but we don’t realize that until later when it is too late! You will undergo many changes in your ways of thinking about your situation and life in general and a very astute change of your expectations. Basically, we have experienced the nearest thing to darkness or evil that we will ever have the unfortunate and hideous opportunity to experience again.
SO, let’s really understand this ‘no contact’ – ANY involvement with them causes complete chaos and confusion of our otherwise healthy judgment. We need our time to learn, gain perspective, and heal ourselves and break from their hypnotizing manipulation that corrupted our reality and normal. This is the perfect opportunity to learn and grow in many unforeseen ways so make this YOUR time. We all need to accept ownership of any mistakes we may have made along the way. AGAIN, if we must make contact because of legal/custody arrangements, etc. – make it business only and absolutely nothing else. Don’t allow an abuser to bait you back in and NEVER negotiate with them or you will be dragged back into the darkness of their abuse. Narcissists do not align with any truths other than what serves them.
A Narcissist is not going to make the end of their abuse or the relationship easy. In all probability they will enjoy watching you squirm as long as they can. They will flaunt their new ‘soul mate’ under your nose. The Narcissist will have their new target convinced you are an obsessed and an insane person who has gone over the edge, but you know the truth and that is all that needs to matter to you (your truths). They abuse through their trickery and manipulation and that is what you are seeing right under your nose so ignore it and never look at them OR think about them in any manner again. If you have to look back remind yourself of the exact behavior, deception, and abuse that you experienced. The Narcissist will say nasty things about you to anyone they can to destroy your integrity and to avoid exposure of the real truth of their abusive ways – again THIS is what a Narcissist does and now you can see them without their mask. If there are legal ramifications with a divorce, they will fight you tooth and nail for every cent. The Narcissist will try and turn the kids and everybody else against you. They will stalk and harass you to cover their tracks of abuse and could become violent to instill fear. You’ll be having a hard time just coping with the loss of the relationship, let alone the other bombs the Narcissist is dropping on you and your life.
REMEMBER this Narcissist will try to draw you back into the relationship over and over to gain the control and power because they need to SILENCE you. They will only give up when they find new supply or target somebody new. Don’t allow yourself to think that he/she is reaching out because they care ever – that is what they want you to think and they will be counting on your gullibility to achieve this.
If you are stuck or unable to achieve progress through the stages of recovery, you may need professional therapy as well. Many people face this problem so you are not alone and you are not weak because of it. You are strong and looking for every possible door to open that will help you achieve your recovery. A strong therapist that HAS experience with this type of abuse is a powerful tool – just do your homework to make sure the therapist you chose does have experience with malignant Narcissists and traumatization.
You are highly educated about this abuse now and have graduated with the highest honors. You will no longer be naive and trusting or believe that abuse like this doesn’t exist in this world. All of this knowledge you have gained from your abuser (the Narcissist) has opened your eyes so that now you can readily see red flags waving where perhaps you never saw them before! You also realize that a Narcissist is a predator and you know where they hunt for prey and HOW they lure them in. You WILL pay attention to your gut instincts or intuition and watch for signs of abuse anywhere and everywhere and determine the reality of the situation, and YOU WILL protect yourself. Being aware of your vulnerabilities will make you a whole lot smarter the next time a Narcissist slithers into your space or life. Don’t ever doubt the fact that that you will never see more of them in the future because they ARE everywhere. BUT you are a veteran now and you will be able to spot one of these fast talking, slick, and shrewd con artists a mile away. But now you will be armed with the ability to avoid them and protect yourself. But, you always must be careful because they can fake and charm their way into anyone’s heart, then burrow their way into their victim’s mind to abuse them just as your Narcissist did to you. The precious gift here is the freedom you gain from your own self sufficiency and that you SURVIVED abuse.
Maybe now you can embrace that word abuse as well as internalize the truth that you WERE abused by a very disordered, deranged, not fully functioning human being or whatever descriptive word you decide to use – personality disordered defines it best. But they are real and they meant to hurt you, damage you or even destroy you with that charming smile on their face but with a dark empty soul behind it. Taking charge of your life once again has its own rewards too and that is the chance to grow in love again and you will! Now for the Narcissist there is no love and never will be any. They do not have a heart, mind or soul that is equipped to bond in any form or manner with another human being nor do they possess any empathy – they are only looking for external stimulation in life (supply). They only know how to loathe and hate life and the people that live outside of their deranged and delusional world. The real truth lives inside of your heart and mind now and you WILL move forward.
There is nothing easy about this process of recovery and it hurts in many ways because you are learning the truth around so many horrendous lies that had you believing in this person, but it is necessary to move on with your life because it was a betrayal of your love. You can and will recover, I promise that. You will look back at this and see how you have grown in ways you never imagined. Your weaknesses are now your strengths. Love is amazing and even that shrewd and manipulative Narcissist can’t take that from you and he/she NEVER DID because you were too strong and too smart to allow that to happen. That is why they are gone because in the end real love does conquer all – especially a dark and empty Narcissist! They didn’t discard you they realized you were REAL and wise to their horrible agenda and ran off like a coward would. You are here today because you know the truth and are looking to open every door to recovery you can through knowledge, education and the support of other victims and survivors AND you are free from the chains and the monster that harmed you! No/minimal contact always. Greg