Narcissists will simply bait you with their conversations to constantly manage you down in an effort to keep you confused and off balance. Let’s understand this and put a real perspective on the Narcissist’s ‘SPIN’ that they put on everything!

 

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com

 

Narcissists will simply bait you with their conversations in an effort to constantly manage you down in an effort to keep you confused and off balance. Just within a normal conversation it almost seems like they are testing you, assessing you, setting you up and that causes you to constantly walk on those eggshells. They are gauging your reactions to see just how far they can push you to the edge to get a chaotic reaction – that even includes the OCCASIONAL charm or love bombing or just different types of baiting you (positive and negative) or simply diversions.

 

With those ‘chaotic’ messages, they want you to react emotionally and after they bait you AND get a reaction they will tell YOU to calm down, or say you are overreacting and make you internalize their disappointment with you – it is like a double whammy. They want the upper hand always to feel in control so the whole point of this is to get you unhinged and they can and will get down and dirty to achieve this – it is CONTROL to steal your power away and to empower themselves. Conversations are always a competition with them just like everything else with a Narcissist and you are always left out in left field with no real clue because normal people are not always in a competition with other people like a Narcissist is. Think of it like this – it would be like the Narcissist purposely punching you and then getting angry at YOU and making you wrong for reacting to the harm they have inflicted on you.

 

They will use actions as well to drive their point home with you. Suddenly they are not paying attention to you, or they are very eager to get you off of the phone. They will cancel a plan or just disappear without an explanation or basically isolating you and silencing you for no apparent reason. It is akin to distancing themselves from you to get a reaction and again so that YOU react. This pulls you RIGHT BACK INTO their chaos and feeling confused and overthinking again. When they return you calmly confront or question their actions and receive a resounding “I’m SICK of always arguing with you – WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??” Well you never started an argument in the first place, you were only reacting in a manner to create some sort of cohesive understanding AND peace, but the Narcissist hones in on your confusion (and reactions) and labels them as arguments. They have successfully manipulated you right into their game to make you believe that YOU are to blame and a defective person. They will more than likely verbalize this to you as well because they love those harmful words. They do this as often as they can and over time it is disabling and destructive to you because it erodes your worth, self-esteem, and your personality or individualism. It is CONTROL pure and simple!

 

So another example of this chaotic baiting – lLet’s use the example that they cheated on you or they are just being cruel to you. They won’t directly address accountability, the truth, or the reality of the situation but instead they will bring up something totally unrelated from the past that YOU have done wrong. It is sort of like a comparison to divert or deflect from their horrendous actions and basically justify what they have done (get away with it unscathed). It goes like this – because YOU have done something in the past that they know about – they are trying to relate to YOUR situation as WORSE than whatever they did and somehow this makes THEM better and above accountability for what they have done – pretty sinister move! It is their way of keeping score, but they are always the winners because they are the scorekeeper. Perhaps you sincerely admitted to something you had done wrong in your past and you shared it even showing regrets for your actions. They will hold you hostage to this and accountable to whatever it was YOU did (even if it didn’t concern them) and then whatever they did really isn’t all that bad compared to your actions. So, don’t you even DARE to hold them accountable or complain about what they did because they are going to bring up your indiscretion(s) from the past! This is not a normal resolution this is deceptive manipulation on their part to shore up their lies and actions and a Narcissistic diversion and deflecting from the truth.

 

Again all of this is done in an effort to put YOU on the defensive to avert all responsibility and accountability AND keep you off balance. In any situation where they are threatened by exposure of the reality of what they are the Narcissist has to SHAME you in a manner to stay in control. They have no shame for their actions though and I mean NONE whatsoever. They only transfer their defective qualities onto and into you and basically create strong labels that they attach to you that justify WHY they do what they do – call it Narcissistic justification and denial. Remember they are the ‘eternal victims of the world’ and BLAME everybody else for what they do – this is really projection. They are transferring their own flaws onto you as well as seeking a reaction that basically confuses or confounds you to drive the point home and to get away with what they do. They HAVE to respond because they can’t just sit there and allow what they feel are blatant attacks ON THEM because they do NO WRONG – but as you and I know they do MANY ‘wrongs!’ They HAVE to force you into submission so you internalize their attacks as reality of who YOU are. You are not any of this – AGAIN this is part of their extreme manipulation techniques – and one of many!

 

If you were able to pull yourself out of the confusion when they are doing this, you would clearly see that their reactions are so delusional and a huge defense mechanism to hide the very truth from themselves and everybody else. Educating ourselves about the truth of what a Narcissist is AND does is one of the most important and essential aspects of recovery. It is the bridge that takes us to full recovery. To heal we must understand, we must expel everything that we internalized from the manipulative Narcissist and their abuse. We have to realize that these are non-functioning individuals that are predators. There NEVER was a relationship with them, there NEVER will be a relationship with them, AND they are NOT capable of having a REAL relationship with anyone!

 

Let’s sum it up with this – if you can’t use your words with them in a manner to have a real conversation, or share your thoughts, express yourself, or just talk normally than what do you have? Nothing! Communication is imperative to ANY relationship and if it is not there than there is no relationship whatsoever. This is the reality with a Narcissist because they are one huge control machine that is programmed to dismiss every aspect of your individuality. There is a lesson in all of this and that is we have to completely actualize this and move on no matter what because we are not dealing with a normal person or anything normal with a Narcissist. There was NEVER one conversation you have had with them that had any basis of reality because they have none to offer.

 

Along the same lines they do not change after we depart from them. The first revelation we must ABSOLUTELY accept is that the Narcissist will never give you any satisfaction with any question as to ‘why’ or any closure as well UNLESS they want something more from us and it will only be more distorted manipulation or the ‘same old, same old!’ Trying to talk to them about anything would be like being a hamster on a wheel running and running on that wheel but never getting anywhere except exhausted and right at the same place you started. In the end, they will probably run off to new supply to do what they do best and basically that is extort the next person that will be in your same shoes one day so let them be where they are. You will need to let go of thinking that you need them to understand what you are going through or that you will be successful at changing them in some manner and get that validation. NO, they will only manipulate you more and use more projection to always make YOU out to be the person at fault. They are securing new supply and you reached your expiration date. ANY attempt at a connection would pull you right back into the trauma that you are trying to heal from as well as giving your power away and setting yourself up for more abuse!  You couldn’t affect change with them all throughout your relationship so you are not going to be able to do that now either. The Narcissist is not any part of your recovery as looking to them for anything to help the process along. No/minimal contact to truly get the clarity you need to move forward! Greg

Posted on November 22, 2016, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. I’m feeling magical thinking I suppose. My story is very unique like all of ours is. We have been on and off for 7 years from 25 to now 32. I thought he was not handsome when we first met but he laid on the charm. I was in awe how many other women he had. He stayed in contact with all his exes and told me when I’m not so young I will understand you can be friends with exes. I strongly believe in closing doors on relationships that are over. He cheated on me often he even said I did give him oral to his satisfaction so he had a go to girl for that. His supply would be so hideous to look at I would wonder why he would do this to me.
    I’m 2014 in November I lost my grandma. He didn’t want to deal with my sadness so I was left to heal alone. He invited me over on Thanksgiving a week after her death and slept with me. As soon as it was over he told me he was in a relationship with someone else but we could be friends. I felt awful and dirty as we didn’t use a condom. I have begged for him back, I have paid him to stay with me when money was good. I embarrassed myself.
    9/15 I had enough and went NC but I kept the same # he would Hoover and even showed at my house. I remained calm and cool and didn’t open the door.
    12/15 I had to much to drink at a bar until the point of no return and I was assaulted by a stranger. I still stayed in NC, pressed charges, got into therapy, and meds etc.
    3/1/16 He kept calling over and over again I had a weak moment and answered. We were back together instantly. I tried to look to him for healing after my trauma he did not want to here it and told me by being intoxicated I got what I deserved
    9/16
    I left again. I feel all alone I’m 32 I have no idea what love is before my narc I was in a domestic abuse relationship for 7 years. So my idea of love is with a cheater/beater combo or just a cheater.
    I see a therapist 2 xs a week and it’s so easy for them to say don’t call he was bad for you. Yes, I know that but when your self esteem is so low you can do not normal things.
    My psychiatrist this year also pegged me as a borderline personality disorder which I looked up and my Therapist reassured me I don’t have. I asked my psychiatrist why she thought I was a borderline she said it’s for billing purposes who cares about a label. I care because I attract npd I don’t want to be in the personality disorder pool with my ex.
    I have no hobbies
    I love on Google
    I have ptsd
    I’m a pretty girl with a big heart who just realized I have had enough and I’m trying to love myself.
    I think about last year when he was hoovering hard and how this year he is not.
    I ended it in a mean and nasty way my words were like venom I verbally attacked him after a build up of 6 years. It’s like I can’t go back even if I tried. I burned that bridge, changed my # etc.
    I’m alone processing my assault and processing all my relationships I seemed validation from bums. Trying to retrain my brain. He was a vicious alcoholic and I was always helping him get clean time in as I don’t drink. I never was a big drinker as bad things happen when I drink so I’ve always been better off. I kept him doing positive stuff not drinking, played step mother to his 2 kids. I let him have sex with others girls in front of me like engage in 3somes I thought that would keep supply away. It only made his sexual appetite bigger.
    I always have been prescribed Xanax or klonipin for over 12 years as I had pass as a result of domestic violence he always made fun of me taking meds, saying they were making me worse, one day I’ll just be crazy from meds that I do just feel insane.
    I want to call him why I have no clue I guess it’s the devil I know instead of the devil I don’t know. Am I alright or is this all side effects of npd abuse.
    Thanx

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