The Narcissist manipulates in such a manner to cause false interpretations of all of our cognitive processes to distort reality and make us always fail and THAT disables our NORMAL – EVEN when they manipulate us into believing they love us because they are USING that distortion to prime us for the real abuse. When we are manipulated in this manner it affects and disables/corrupts all of those important skills that we use on a daily basis so this relationship was doomed from the moment you met this Narcissist.


From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @


The Narcissist has used their effective manipulative and cognitive (thinking) skills by putting you on the defensive and using/distorting your personal conversations, interactions, and thoughts against you to manage you down (devaluation phase). They also triangulate with people that you love in your life with the personal information they have gained by knowing you and using it against you! They are so adept at utilizing everything they can just from knowing us. Interactions between two people, as it concerns support in any relationship isn’t a court of law where one person is the judge, jury and prison guard AND town gossip like a Narcissist is because that is the role they demand in ALL relationships. A successful relationship requires healthy communication skills and even healthy disagreements. Healthy communication skills require sane and healthy cognitive thinking from both parties. There is nothing healthy or sane about a disordered and abusive Narcissist SO there is NEVER healthy communication because Narcissists use words to manipulate people into whatever situation they want or need to accomplish their agenda.


In any type of relationship when communication and thoughts are not nurtured in a process to validate another person, all areas of the relationship are affected and it is more apt to be described as ‘control.’ Communication is the open door that allows two people to exchange cognitive and personal thoughts, to enable growth. We are independent beings and individuals that have purpose and we exchange our thoughts normally by accepting our relative differences and within that thought process two people grow together through compromise. Unfortunately a Narcissist does NOT allow individualism because they are dictators that operate through controlling people around them. The Narcissist manipulates in such a way to cause false interpretations of all of our cognitive processes to distort reality and that make us always fail and THAT disables our NORMAL – EVEN when they manipulate us into believing they love us because they are USING that distortion to prime us for the real abuse. When we are manipulated in this manner it affects and disables/corrupts all of those important skills that we use on a daily basis so this relationship was doomed from the very moment you met this Narcissist. After a while it is like we lose our motivation to be effective with simple matters in our personal life even blocking our ability to concentrate and learn because we were manipulated in a manner to constantly question ourselves from someone we BELIEVED we could trust and more than likely someone we loved. This is betrayal in the most extreme manner and describes just how disordered a Narcissist is to use our love to create and administer their hate and destruction – AND WHY – to objectify us to fulfill their many needs? Our mind is linked to so many internal processes, and when it is psychologically wounded, other areas will also be affected just like a disease that will spread unless treated, even causing us physiological or physical damage to our health. It can take its toll and also cause long term problems linked to trauma.


It is strikingly similar to being a prisoner of war to an extreme emotional terrorist with the brainwashing, gas-lighting, the constant manipulation of facts and the truth, punishment, and emotional/psychological destruction. Some of those areas that become affected are cognitive functionality like our attention span, our day to day memory, how we process things in our daily life, our long/short term memory, how we see and hear things, AND our logic and reasoning abilities. AGAIN this is basically brainwashing in an effort to slowly but methodically break us down and render us useless and worthless as an independent thinking and speaking person or CONTROL. Narcissist do not allow individuality because they are cruel dictators that must completely captivate and control their target audience. This is what describes the abuse, and this is what is damaging to the target/victim’s well-being as far as it concerns the psychological abuse that is imposed on you/us. The most striking aspect of this is that it is dealt to us in a slow and insidious manner like being around a slowly leaking and poisonous gas that has no apparent smell so we don’t know the danger we are in because we take it in slowly and when we finally realize the damage is already done and the effects can be long term.


Narcissists are dishonest or better yet pathological ‘career liars,’ they give mixed signals, and  always running hot and cold. They triangulate everybody by playing people against one another to maintain control AND they avoid real commitment because it doesn’t exist in a world where there is no give and all take – they are life’s extortionists. There is never one real working relationship with anybody that DOESN’T include this abhorrent manipulation. We are all a means to an end with a Narcissist and that is extracting their supply and destroying people! What was so familiar and even mimicked love so realistically was just a lie with an agenda to extort what they could – this is what they do.


It is amazing how much abuse and suffering targets/victims tolerate. Even when it is obvious to the people around us like friends and family, the victim may continue to defend and protect the Narcissist which only compounds the problem. This is the power of their (Narcissist’s) mind control and manipulation to get at want they want. Narcissists are expert manipulators and use a combination of fear and guilt to control their sources of Narcissistic supply. The effects of these techniques persist even after the Narcissist has left the relationship. In fact, the influence of their mind control can last for years. A Narcissist will frequently contact a previous target/victim and the target/victim will sometimes start up the relationship again, thinking that this time will be different, because the Narcissist has promised this but they will only step up the game to trick you and drag you right back into the abuse!


If and when the Narcissist returns it is only because they are just looking for a quick and easy ‘fix’ of Narcissistic supply because they know they already have you locked into their abusive mind games because you are there and re-connecting with them AGAIN. THEY will disappear just as easily as they came back. Remember they thrive on OR better yet are addicted to getting supply.  ALWAYS remember we can’t be or act civilized with a Narcissist by remaining on friendly terms. Never forget that Narcissists always have a needy and destructive agenda.


One last thing and please internalize this! Despite the relentless abuse, rage episodes, mind games, projection, gas lighting and demoralization, SOMEHOW we believe we are still in love with these Narcissists on some level and possibly feel we will always love them. These messages continuously play behind all of our attempts to reach closure and YES through our recovery. This attitude or thought process is evidence of how the emotionally abusive Narcissist brainwashes or programs their targets/victims to keep believing in them and they will keep it up for as long as you allow it. This is part of recovery and we must live it and desensitize those messages AND abandon that Narcissist because there was NOTHING real about this person and they meant us harm! That huge con, love bombing, or whatever we call this horrendous manipulation they tricked us into believing was what they used to betray us and take advantage of our love and life and we MUST see that it was situational and intentional abuse. It can be akin to an addiction, and our addiction is to the drug of our choice and that is this Narcissist that conditioned us to be dependent on their emotional manipulation by using love as the bait to gain our trust and BELIEVE in them. A drug alters our mind when we ingest it, and the brainwashing, programming, and conditioning from a Narcissist ALSO alters our mind when we ingest and internalize their messages. Almost like an addict that will continually justify their returning to the drug of choice EVEN though it is damaging their mind and life and is basically destroying them – it is the addiction message that keeps the addict going back. That message is also similar in us and what causes us to relapse or again BELIEVING in them through those mixed up and distorted emotions. The message has altered our mind to believe in the Narcissist against all of the odds and the truth that they ARE bad for us. In time with education and support you will deprogram this message and be desensitized to it. But you have to always be cognizant of the fact that the message is in our subconscious and destroy it so it doesn’t start replaying itself or we will fall backwards into the abuse pattern again over and over again.


REMEMBER the Narcissist’s agenda! They always want something and that is Narcissistic Supply and THAT is all we are to them, be it help, support, money, sex, etc. They prepare the groundwork with their manipulation to acquire whatever those needs are. Also, remember if they feel threatened by exposure they will want to neutralize the situation with their manipulative CHARM or throwing you a little bone to get you to believe in them ONCE AGAIN. They don’t want to be exposed as the abuser they are so they will keep you feeling near and dear to them until that ‘new supply’ is secured and they have destroyed your integrity to a point that YOU seem like the abuser AND crazy one – or the HARM part. YOU deserve so much more so step outside of this and see it for what it really is and discard that Narcissist and every thought about them out the door and into the garbage. There is a real life and a real world out there and one you knew before – come back to it with the truth, knowledge, support, and a strong education about this abuse. No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg

Posted on November 19, 2016, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. Thanks so much.
    I’m desperate to find group sessions with others who have gone through being married to a Narsisssis. I live in Johannesburg south africa


  2. In my recovery I struggle with what you have written, that the narcissist conditioned me to believe that he is capable of loving others, just not me. Although I know rationally that a narcissist cannot love anyone, I have a hard time processing it emotionally. I understand that this narcissist did not love me or want to have sex with me because he told me. I acknowledge that he was physically and emotionally abusive, and used me for my money (which he complained that I did not have enough of to suit him – that was why he hated me). I think a lot about the affair that he had that blew up our marriage – of course he never admitted it despite physical evidence and I was gaslighted royally. By playing detective, I deduced it was a married woman and she did not leave her husband for him after our divorce. My stumbling block is obsessing about their affair and relationship. Since they were both married and only saw each other for sex, how could he have been abusive with her? She wasn’t interested in a committed relationship with him because she already had a husband with a job and my ex-husband had no job; I supported him. If they only saw each other for sex, wouldn’t they have both been on their best behavior, because that is what would have ensured the best sex? And if no one is pressing for commitment, and if no one has to deal with real-world problems, and it’s just pure sexual fantasy, then how could stress or abuse enter in? I think that because she did not leave her husband for him, he will always yearn for her, because she was like the fish that got away. I got everything in the divorce, so he lost the car he courted her with and had sex with her in, and his mother, whom he went to live with after the divorce did not buy him a car to continue the affair. He asked me post-divorce to buy him a vehicle, or if he could use my car without me present, but I said no because I did not want to enable him to have sex with her. It was like I had worked so hard for his love and he denied me, but he was so happy to give it to another woman who didn’t even take him on after his marriage blew up, and she had helped him to blow it up. When I confronted him with the D-Day evidence, he said, “Oh, you say I have a girlfriend and I’m madly in love?” I never said that! It bothers me that in his perception he was madly in love with her even though I know a narcissist can’t love. I think it was more like she wasn’t pressing him for a commitment, and was not available, so he was just yearning for her as an unavailable love object.


  3. Greg, I can’t thank you enough for your writings & sharing – your posts have seen me through some of the toughest days of my life. You have kept me focused & strong. Eight weeks of NC & counting. In my weak moments I pick up your posts & read, read, read.. they have saved me!! Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!


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