Those RED FLAGS – they are your intuition or your mind reviewing, thinking and piecing things together and trying to draw on logic to understand a situation or actions – but most importantly intuition is telling us that there is something not quite right that needs attention.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
They come wrapped up with a pretty bow but in reality underneath those wrappings is an empty, dark, and dangerous void. Who was/is this person and are they a Narcissist? Do you constantly feel confused as it concerns the reality of your relationship? Do you always find yourself constantly explaining yourself instead of participating in normal conversations? Does it seem that you can’t put your finger on something ‘in particular’ about THIS relationship and instead it lacks a certain REALITY in the normal course of progression or events as it concerns growing or bonding? Are there constant but subtle signals or perhaps even bright ‘red flags’ that seem to be waving close to your face? Perhaps there are even events that have led you to believe that there is lying involved or betrayal, but YOU are always invalidated and bullied away from anything real as far as a conversation concerning a simple question and a real answer as it concerns accountability around this person? Does it seem as if you are given an answer that deflects away from the original question or the situation is turned completely around and back onto YOU or your faults, or YOU are accused of just exhibiting ‘crazy behavior’ as if you are extremely jealous or making something out of nothing? Are they a Narcissist?
Do you notice that there HAS been conflict surrounding this person’s PAST with PREVIOUS relationships? Is there a pattern that is evident that this person seems to have a trail of destroyed relationships behind them? Have they MENTIONED or BLAMED the ‘other’ person/people in a manner that makes you believe that all of these OTHER people are the problem and reason that caused them to part ways? Have you had conversations that are not relevant to any reasoning surrounding ‘particulars’ as to WHY, but instead you are given strong inflammatory statements that the ‘other’ person is “crazy” or has “major issues” perhaps a liar, cheater, a person that lacks morals, etc. Are they described in a manner that is so extreme that it locks you into a definition of that ‘other’ person that makes you want to keep your distance and even protect yourself from making any contact with them (the other person). Do you get a strong sense that perhaps there is a reason that you are kept at a distance from the past as it concerns the person you are in this personal relationship with? Are they a Narcissist?
Are you finding yourself feeling isolated from your friends and family? Do you get a sense that you are becoming more and more of a prisoner to this person as if they are all consuming and controlling you? You are constantly trying to deflect from negative words and actions or ‘walking on eggshells’ to avoid the negativity for what basically seems to be over anything and everything. There seems to be those good times, some expression of care now and then but there are also many strong expressions of disdain and constant conflict. Does it seem to be more of a roller coaster ride that has you going through constant highs and lows and it never levels out? Are they a Narcissist?
Do you feel that you are losing some important people in your life perhaps a good friend or family members as well? Do you hear things that come up where there are specific accusations concerning these people saying things about you? Or the opposite, do you hear outrageous statements that reinforce the attacks or bullying with comments like “so and so said they think you have ISSUES too.” Is there triangulation or being pitted against other people to create many walls in your life where there were none? Are they a Narcissist?
To take it further does this person treat others better IN YOUR PRESENCE or are they quite CHARMING outside of your personal relationship? Does this person have a history of attacking his/her family, friends, neighbors, boss or co-workers; in the same manner he/she attacks you? Are they a Narcissist?
Do you feel so much confusion around your life like you are in a fog and not functioning normally and have lost control? Are there so many layers of negativity surrounding this relationship from arguing, lies, manipulation, betrayal, debasing, dehumanizing and a sense of hopelessness? Does it feel that reality as it concerns this person you care about or even love is thrown out the door? Who are they? You don’t even have a range or perspective about them personally, but instead a conflicting reality that disables you instead. Does life in general seem to be full of anxiety as you suppress so many things because you are just not allowed to be an individual in this relationship by any means?
Are you feeling boxed in or controlled as if this person exerts power over you to keep you that way? Are you constantly threatened as far as your place in the relationship – one wrong move and they are going to leave you. You never do anything right! They compound it with a definition of you that includes so many negative issues, mental illnesses and you are more or less described as wrong, bad, and always the problem in their eyes. Are you made fun of in any way or always the made the brunt of a joke? Are you accused of issues around your morality, or do you hear things that you have supposedly done that are OUTRAGEOUS lies? Do you find yourself constantly confronted by a raging maniac that bellows out how horrible you are constantly? Are you blamed and shamed for things you have never done but you believe with all your heart and soul that these things have been done TO YOU INSTEAD?
THEN one day you are abandoned and NOW you find yourself labeled by all of these horrible things and suddenly your integrity has been dismantled all around you in a manner that destroyed many areas of your life. You have been smeared to all of your friends, co-workers, and family – SO – in essence you have spent your days with this person being set up as a hideous and destructive failure and now it has come to fruition and this person has ruined your reputation to the very people you care about and love! Now your losses are many and you are just too vulnerable to function because of this! Do you feel ABUSED?
ARE THEY A NARCISSIST – I would have to probably say yes there is a very good chance. There are now huge ‘red banners’ instead of ‘red flags’ and you are a target/victim of a malignant and destructive Narcissist. I could have written this years ago before I even knew what a Narcissist was or did or what a target/victim of this abuse went through. This was my reality and my situation. The Narcissist’s attacks are very specific and are often defined as ‘similar patterns’ by so many victims. Now that I look back on it all I wonder how I could have been so blind not to see all of this negativity and destruction. Well I realized that there is a reason they call this ‘abuse’ and that is because over time it disables a healthy person’s reality, worth, and ability to function normally.
HERE is the clinical definition – Psychological abuse (also referred to as psychological violence, emotional abuse or mental abuse) is a form of abuse, characterized by a person subjecting, or exposing, another person to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder. It would have been a lifesaver to me if my Narcissist came with this label but unfortunately they did NOT. Abusers don’t show their dysfunctional self when we meet them – no, instead they come to us in a neatly and beautifully wrapped package that is seemingly full of charm, unconditional love, empathy, care, and so many other things that attract normal people into a relationship. So in a nutshell it was ALL a huge con job so that the Narcissist could secure people as ‘supply’ or in simpler terms objectify people because we serve a very real and needed purpose in their lives. They cannot function without people constantly supporting their vast array of needs. They can’t show us who they are so they create who we want them to be to get the job done and get what they came for. Unfortunately, that façade cannot contain or hide the horrendous creature that really resides inside of that charming facsimile we believed in – and that creature comes out because it has no empathy, love or mechanisms to bond with people – that is where the slow and subtle devaluation starts and grows. The devaluation is when we question all of the things I wrote about and THEN we get our ‘ah ha’ moment. They take us from ‘Charm to Harm’ within the cycle of the relationship we had with them. NOBODY deserves this type of dehumanization and destruction from an abusive Narcissist. Remember that YOU are the healthy and amazing person here that really WILL beat this abuse because you will NOT allow yourself to be defeated by this abuser! That is why you are here today because you were too real and too strong and you beat this Narcissist at their game and they are off and running. It may not seem or feel that way now BUT it is the real truth and one day you will see this. No/minimal contact is the only way! Greg