Psychological and emotional abuse from a Narcissist can lock a victim up in blame, shame, isolate them, make them believe they have serious issues. It can even alter their reality and belief system forever without proper education, knowledge, and SUPPORT! This is abuse and not a normal breakup and JUST moving on for the victim!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
There are people out there that will offer simple support or a pat on the back, but in reality without tried and true validation the target/victim simply assumes they are to blame somehow because nobody truly understands the reality of the emotional and psychological terrorism or abuse that the target/victim has experienced – unfortunately the victim DOESN’T understand what has happened either. This is not a person wanting to BE or remain a victim forever, it is a plea for help because they are lost in the abuse and feeling as if something is terribly wrong with them and reaching out. Nobody would want to feel the effects of this abuse just so they can say they are a victim. It is so mentally debilitating that the normal reality of everyday life is so distorted that it basically halts for the target/victim. That is very scary or better yet a horrifying place to be in.
Targets/victims of psychological abuse have to tear down their entire understanding of the world, people and love, and rebuild the whole system from the ground up to feel comfortable in THEIR OWN SKIN again. Information and education is primary in starting out on the road to recovery BUT support from the people closest to the victim is crucial. Unfortunately, with this type of abuse the variable that prohibits this is that most people truly have no viable understanding of just what a Narcissist is or that this abuse is so damaging. So, the lack of support from those closest to the victim (for whatever reason it may be) can actually be the most damaging and dangerous. Again, the target/victim will internalize a bad message one in which they will blame themselves for allowing this to happen and feel very isolated and invalidated.
When a person tells a target/victim to just move on for instance, what message does that send to them? It says that this isn’t that important for you to be here and going on and on with all of your words and describing the details, etc. It is a total invalidation of the abuse and It makes the target/victim believe that they are over-reacting and in turn makes them feel as if they are inferior or damaged and ‘BAM’ the target/victim puts the blame right back onto themselves and may even believe they are crazy. This is a traumatized victim not a person that had an argument with someone they were in a relationship with. Where does the target/victim go for help when they can’t get immediate support for the abuse – those closest to them. Most will go BACK TO THE SOURCE OF THEIR PROBLEM or their abuser if nobody is there to help pull them back up again and feeling emotionally healthy – that is what the abuser wants or pulling them back into the abuse AND control. Traumatization requires viable solutions and answers that validates the reality that their situation was really out of the normal circumstances of day to day life and NOT something that the person experiencing this trauma can just reason away. Unfortunately, some target/victims go on for years without validation and develop poor coping skills as a result of the trauma that are not even viable as far as moving forward and back into a welcoming world – INSTEAD they isolate themselves forever and completely mistrust the world.
The problem with anyone telling a target/victim to move forward and leave everything behind is that it works directly against the best interests of anyone suffering from trauma or better yet Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that occurs after being abused. Unfortunately, this can even occur when the victim of this abuse is in therapy if the therapist does NOT recognize the traumatization aspect of this abuse. There comes a time AFTER everything has been sorted out that we have to go through some deep introspection as it concerns ourselves being COMPLETELY healthy and releasing from the abuse and creating new boundaries by looking inward to find anything that connects us to reoccurring abuse. BUT when you are traumatized you are not feeling healthy to find healthy solutions. So AGAIN recovery is a process that requires specific steps.
Trauma and shock is an outcome of this abuse and the reality or need to rebuild ourselves BUT where is the reality basis for a traumatized person to build from when they are traumatized and can’t seem to function normally enough to take care of themselves. There is no personal experience to build from until they understand the complete picture. What seems reasonable by just moving on will only add up to greater confusion when the target/victim is still left confounded, angry, depressed, anxious and wanting closure where there is none. The victim has to work through the here and now or the trauma to just be able to function WITH complete clarity to understand this whole mess. Then there are the messages that the abuse target/victim is not allowed to be ‘overly negative’ or ‘play the victim’ by blaming anyone else, SO the only person the target/victim can end up blaming or assigning responsibility to, or getting angry with is themselves.
Empowering ourselves has its place, but that is to empower ourselves FIRST with the truth and education to back it up and guide us CORRECTLY to recovery or basically one of many steps. We have to understand that this abuse was situational in the form of abuse from a Narcissist and then and only then can we put together the other components that GOT us there and KEPT us there dancing with this destructive Narcissist. It will be different for every person, but WE CAN NOT force the issue and bury the abuse and trauma by just moving on. Do we want to ALWAYS blame ourselves and forever feel we were responsible because we were not powerful enough and if it happens again we are definitely the problem here? Probably we would end up believing so and that is just defeating the purpose of healing by saying we are just that weak that we always allow ourselves to be abused. No again this is debilitating psychological rape. No abuse is ever our fault so proper perspective has to be a part of the process so that it triggers the correct response when red flags are waving at us and if we should happen to fail again, we will work through it with better perspective. This perspective must give us a clear understanding of the abuse we experienced so we can assimilate that into our future thoughts. Knowledge is power!
Empowerment is PART of the process of reassigning your belief system to include that this WAS abuse and abusers do exist in the real world. A healthy mind will put this into perspective – BUT once that mind is at a place to do so AND with proper steps and education to back it up. We must purge the abuse out in a logical process that includes embracing our grief through anger and every other thought process that appears. We have to DEAL with our thoughts and not just repress them. It may seem viable but anything that is unresolved and buried within us will resurface eventually and that is why so many targets/victims get stuck in this abuse and keep returning to it day after day to find some sort of logic. If we do not get healthy through the many steps of grieving, anger, talking about it to viable listeners, seeking reality through education, finding support through other survivors, taking a mental health break, then we will fail miserably.
Many targets/victims are afraid to speak out about what they are going through because they are afraid they will be looked down upon and considered obsessed, scorned, angry or just plain CRAZY. Again, this is just the result of the victim feeling they must be faulty to be in the position they are in, so they try to appear as if they are doing good when it is the furthest thing from their reality. NO – speak out about it and tell the truth of the days you are unable to function, or if you cried for an hour, or you are so mad, feeling isolated and depressed or whatever. You have to validate your experience and not repress it. If it goes on too long than it requires more steps with some professional help from a therapist that has experience with this type of abuse. Self-reflection and introspection are very important when we are feeling clear and healthy enough to look inward again and create boundaries. AGAIN – this is all the outcome of the abuse and being managed down and manipulated. Embracing the reality is a hard pill to swallow, but it will allow you to live again and that is essential. PLEASE – no/minimal contact to start you on your journey to recovery! Remember SELF-COMPASSION because you deserve it! Greg