PART 2: Moving forward with knowledge, education, support and introspection! Purging the negative messages out, accepting the truth that they are abusive, and concentrating on YOU!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
You will return to the past to recall, remember and review many details. This is not you obsessing but instead a viable part of the process that is very necessary for recovery and healing. This is all new material and you are starting from square one to internalize what this abuse is and connecting it to what you thought existed but did not exist (the love, relationship, memories, dreams, goals, etc.). So, you must actualize what really existed and replace those emotional connections with the stark reality of the truth. NEXT, you must emotionally detach yourself from the disordered Narcissist that you loved and grasp the reality of this massive deception that eroded your being and world. It is hard to separate from the emotions and accept the reality of the situation, BUT you have to tell yourself that you basically loved a monster. You didn’t know they were a monster, because they are predators that manipulate their prey into the abuse because they thrive on power and control. BUT every time you start remembering the love you believed in, you must now turn those thoughts around and say that you were psychologically raped by a monster and predator. You can’t be kind with your thoughts and give them the benefit of the doubt because there are NO doubts that Narcissists are destructive abusers to everyone. ANY benefit of the doubt that you allow the Narcissist only keeps you connected to the abuse and not allow the closure you so desperately need to move forward! You were a target/victim of ABUSE!
Because Narcissists do not come with a label that labels them or exposes what they are and their agenda AND you are more than likely just coming to terms with all of this recently. Our emotions are powerful and even though we have been abused we have to reconcile our very own emotions to fall out of love with them. This is where the educational aspect of learning about this personality disorder is imperative to moving forward. Closure comes from learning the truth through educating yourself about this disorder. With me I stumbled upon the information and the pieces seemed to fit together like a puzzle. From there I also stumbled upon different healing sites that offered viable AND valuable information that gave me the big ‘ah ha’ moment that what I experienced was actually abuse from a malignant Narcissist. I went through the paces of doubting myself and kept in contact with this Narcissist for 8 months after the fact. Mind you I didn’t initiate any of this contact. This Narcissist was luring me into post abuse, trying to set me up and into their big smear campaign, using any and every conversation to gain information and use against me. This shrewd creature was manipulating my words to meet certain criteria and an agenda that would make me out as being obsessed and scorned. This is where I actualized the real truth that this person was seriously disordered and that is what burnt the message of no contact in my mind to end this chaos and move or better yet RUN away from this repulsive and abusive person.
You must constantly tell yourself and reinforce that this was not a normal or real person that COULD love you. You have to accept that it was a huge lie and most importantly that it had nothing to do with you because the Narcissist managed you down to believe that you are to blame and the disordered one! You HAVE to accept that it did happen to you and there is no rhyme nor reason to it because Narcissists are character disordered and in a class of their own. They are dangerous to human beings and destructive and you are so FORTUNATE to be FREE of them. You are a testament to this very fact because you have experienced their psychological abuse and have been severely damaged by a relationship with them. You have to completely switch off from thoughts that pull you into believing they will change or you can fix them – YOU CAN’T!
Now you have to actualize that there is so much goodness in you and seriously that is what this Narcissist wanted to own and destroy and that is why they targeted you. You ARE a good person and probably an AMAZING person so don’t ever lose touch with this because the Narcissist told you differently. They are disordered and negative and they live with this premise to make everyone else around them unstable by managing them down. THIS is what psychopaths do to their targets, manage them down to nothingness to control them. They corrupt and disable people’s healthy persona!
You have to create a discipline to stop looking at the ‘what ifs’ or ‘could I have done this or that’ or that somehow you caused this abhorrent treatment. You have to stop yourself from trying to obtain information about what they are doing through social media, OR trying to make any type of contact with them. You seriously have to just stop thinking about them as being anything real to you and concentrate on YOU. Tell yourself that this is DONE! Yes, there are situations that you must stay in contact with them, but again you must separate the emotions and break the chain that binds you to their psychopathy and keep it to the business at hand. Ask yourself what it is you would want back (as in fixing the relationship?) Do you want to enter back into the abuse to experience more dehumanization, lies, betrayal and extortion? No of course not! Lock into this message and put your life and happiness first!
Now as far as connecting to the reasons WHY you were the target of this disordered Narcissist – in a nutshell it is because they are predators after prey pure and simple. They are after supply and that is ANY person that is breathing in this world. With this type of encounter OR with horrendous abuse we definitely have a strong desire to re-evaluate our life and behavior. Again, this is normal and can be progressive in your recovery because it is your desire and ability to grow, transcend and move forward. The encounter will provide a spark to grow and evaluate your inner self to correct anything that kept you tied to the abuse and you will correct all of that with introspection and boundaries – but that will happen once you traveled through the truth that this was abuse and you are no longer vulnerable and caught up in the distorted emotions and confusion. Acceptance AND the truth will move you forward, anything else will pull you right back into the confusion as well as more abuse and you will only have to start at square one AGAIN!
Try not to be your own therapist and psychoanalyze yourself because we are not trained to do this. Seek out a QUALIFIED therapist to do this instead if you need professional care. Also remember that the world is still out there and as much as you don’t want to get back to that world you HAVE to or you will be frozen in the confusion and fear! Find people who will emotionally support you and do not make you doubt yourself. Those people who try to tell you or imply that you are somehow at fault are going to make you only start blaming yourself again. They are seriously not the people you want to help you through this. AGAIN, you are dealing with a character disordered Narcissist and they are an anomaly and aberration and NORMAL rules do not apply to them nor normal theories. You need to pull out the big guns to end this battle. Friends and loved ones are not qualified to do this. They can love and support you but they can’t fix this. You need to seek out other targets and survivors that understand as well as a strong base of knowledge and education!
Lastly the question or arguments of what a Narcissist is. Are they evil or disordered and sick? My thoughts are they are possibly both but it doesn’t matter. What really matters is that you recognize the pattern of this abuse so whether you believed you were abused by a demon or a personality disordered Narcissist – you were abused and you must free yourself of them forever. You must accept this and stop trying to figure any of this out beyond accepting the truth about their actions that describe who/what they are and diverting all of your attention to your recovery and growth! They are not going to change, rescue you or do anything but abuse you more! You have to acknowledge that this abuser can and will destroy your entire life and get away from them.
These creatures all have so many similar patterns that describe how they exploit ALL people. Recognizing those patterns is what got me out. THAT and reassuring myself EVERY day through facts and the truth that I was just supply to a predator and then erasing this Narcissist from my life completely. There were so many unfamiliar terms, definitions and words that described this abuse and something I would have never even considered to be a reality as far as it concerned my life before abuse. But many years later I know these terms, definitions, and words very well and know this abuse is very real. I also learned that only a survivor can talk the talk and bring a raw sense of reality to this abuse to help other targets/victims understand and move forward. Knowledge is KEY as well as powerful to your recovery!
What was it about us that drew the Narcissist to us? Why did the Narcissist target us? What was it that made us so very vulnerable to their abuse? HERE IS THE ANSWER; it was that magnificent con job they created for each of us personally that I outlined above. It doesn’t require a classification of person you are or anything else to justify the abuse – THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE so don’t blame yourself – grow with boundaries from what you learned so that it never happens again. It is while you are feeling these things like being weak, fragile and confused that you will call upon an inner strength you never knew you had AND you will recover from this insidious abuse. Just NEVER allow the Narcissist or your abuser to return because they will only twist the knife in your back as often as you allow them to – mine did and it was more hideous each time I allowed it. BUT then the anger and repulsion I felt from realizing the truth enabled me to discard and abandon the monster that played with my life FOREVER. NO CONTACT = YOUR FREEDOM!
Please understand that recovery requires a strong commitment to completely sever your connection with the Narcissist. Nobody can live OR survive in a toxic environment, having to deal with constant chaos, lies, betrayal, and being controlled by a personality disordered person. Success and recovery starts ONLY with no/minimal contact! Greg