PART 1: Moving forward with knowledge, education, support and introspection! What is going on with us? The many stages of comprehension and piecing it together.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
It all begins with the nightmare of going from being in love (idealized) to being hated (devalued and discarded) or from ‘Charm to Harm!’ Then discovering the web of deceit and lies at so many levels. Next coming to terms with understanding that you were only an object or Narcissistic Supply and somehow that has to make REAL sense to you. You begin to understand that everything you shared in your past, the memories, dreams and plans were corrupted by the Narcissist’s disordered agenda AND this relationship/love was only real to you! Then you realize what was real to this Narcissist was an agenda to extort what they could through this manufactured love AND THEY USED YOU. You hear a term called gas-lighting which basically describes someone (your Narcissist) trying to make you believe you were mentally disordered or INSANE so they could use this against you by destroying your self-confidence!
You realize that you don’t have the ability to create real closure. You are not able to let go with love but instead you HAVE to let go with an ‘understanding’ that the person you loved is severely damaged and dangerous and you have to somehow accept and live with this. Your belief system is completely shattered. You hear your Narcissist boasting about having sex with a new person, or perhaps married, or they have gone on with their life so quickly, and they are BRAGGING about it to intentionally hurt you and now that feels like a NEW stab to your heart. You start to get nostalgic for what could have been and you only lose touch with the reality that they are disordered and you start questioning yourself AGAIN. You wonder what it is that YOU did wrong. It is a vicious back and forth cycle that only leaves you so confused and frozen in time. All of these thoughts and more become a part of detaching from this monster BUT unfortunately the coefficient that you loved them is in the mix as well and you are vulnerable and broken! The Narcissist is woven into your memories and your life in very conflicting ways and it is just too confounding!
You would have to take a course in psychology that deals with personality disorders to completely internalize that they are a Narcissist and completely disordered to understand the rationale behind this abuse. You probably have never even heard of A Narcissist or associated them with psychological abuse AND that you were with one. On the other hand you still have many mixed messages from this Narcissist saying that YOU are the disordered one here and to blame for everything, so you ARE questioning your own mental capacity trying to establish where the real problem lies. IS IT YOU OR IS IT YOUR EX? It is like being on a roller coaster ride through hell and you have to figure all of this out on your own and in a short period of time rationalizing how you went from loving this person to now accepting that they ARE the predator and you were prey. It is just an insurmountable feat to pull this together in your mind especially when you are so vulnerable and worn down by what you realize OR that you were a target/victim of emotional and psychological abuse.
Narcissists can be your mother/father, brother/sister, wife/husband, boyfriend/girlfriend, the mother/father of your biological children, a friend, or boss, and more than likely you have spent MANY years with them as well. You may be financially or legally connected to them. You need so much time and an education to process this. You start crawling your way out of this and then you realize that this Narcissist has BRANDED YOU as the abuser, trouble maker, defective, mentally ill, as well as destroyed your integrity by using familiarity against you (knowing you). They are out there SMEARING your good name to everyone that is important to you. You are really starting to see this monster behind the mask and you LOVED, cared or were connected to this creature? This is more like psychological terrorism or psychological rape and you are left there alone to pull yourself together and find some sort of help, but where do you start and what fires do you put out first. It is no longer a matter of the denial; it is reality and you have to face this and try to function in your day to day world as if you are the healthy individual you once were. You end up stumbling and picking yourself up over and over again! It seems like there is no end to this and then anxiety and depression set in.
You start the process of recovery in disbelief, fear, and shock! The shock in essence numbs you temporarily from going completely insane by giving you the ability to separate yourself from the totality of this disaster or some breathing room – it is nature’s sedative. Once the dust settles though you start to see the whole picture standing before you and now reality sets in. As you are setting out on this journey your emotions are going to be overwhelming as you try to understand all of this and they get in the way and confuse you. You are trying to sort through pure chaos and you are going to respond to it with tremendous ambivalence, anger, hatred, vengefulness, and MANY other negative feelings. Along with this you will be doing some deep soul searching trying to put perspective on so many opposing thoughts that don’t correlate with the love you believed in AND it creates a huge void and a great sense of being so lost and alone in all of this.
Your reactions are actually quite normal or better yet OK because this is just you being a human with confusion, emotions, and empathy striving to find that cohesiveness. You are dealing with two CONFLICTING realities – you were in love and believed it was real for so long, but the reality is that there never was this other person because it was a manufactured love and a hideous con job because this person was severely disordered. You MUST experience all of these feelings and crazy emotions to move forward to understanding the REAL ‘whys’ as they concern all of this. Even as confusing as all of this is it is a necessary process to actualize and organize what you can! This is how you move forward and that is a learning process that includes the truth that has disabled you in the first place OR the abuse situation.
You MUST learn everything you can about this disorder and the psychopathy of a pathological Narcissist. You are not dealing with a so called normal breakup where two people move forward with closure. You are having to leave this relationship and whatever love you believed in with ONY an understanding of something very unfamiliar to you (a Narcissist/psychological abuse.) This will all come together when you start to see the patterns emerge and get that ‘ah ha’ moment. This is where you connect the dots and where you begin to bridge your situation to being abused by a Malignant Narcissist! There is nothing normal with abuse nor do you have much experience from your past to compare this to unless you were a victim of this abuse before. You are dealing with hardcore psychopathy here and a personality disorder. This is exactly why you have such a hard time wrapping your head around all of this! This is real and you need a helping hand to put a perspective on all of this. This all starts with no/minimal contact. I will post ‘part 2’ tomorrow that discusses purging the negative messages out, and putting your energy into healing. Greg