The highs and lows of an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship. It is like a roller coaster ride with so many highs and lows as well as the sick feeling in the pit of your stomach!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
It is all a BIG diversion to keep you confused and to control you – this is what emotional and psychological abuse is. It is easy to get a sort of addicted feeling (or obsession pattern) especially after the devastating and heart-breaking lows or when the Narcissist has abandoned you both emotionally and physically or they have been misbehaving (cheating or any number of things.) Consequently, when the Narcissist returns to you, the high feels so euphoric and BAM the pain is gone. Everything is back to NORMAL again because the Narcissist is behaving so well, he/she reinstates how much he/she loves you and can’t live without you and wants to be with you forever! It seems like an opportunity once again to fix this and get back to that feeling you once shared in the beginning or from the love bombing. Normal?? Yes that is the normal that you have been managed down to accept by allowing this cycle to continue – MORE ABUE! Sometimes during the devaluation stage the Narcissist just returns to hurt you even more and somehow that still satisfies us as a fix. It deteriorates to such a level that any contact becomes a small glimmer of hope when there is none! My Narcissist kept this up for almost a year after the relationship ended. Text messages and emails were ALL attacks or look at me in this new and wonderful relationship I have, or “I told you I would leave if you didn’t change.” What exactly should have changed in me? More willingness to accept the lies, betrayal, manipulation and psychological abuse.
I did change though by changing ME and going no contact because I finally realized I was dealing with a high level of dysfunction that was imposed on me by a disordered creature that meant to harm and destroy me. I left it at that because I didn’t need any more proof to realize what this person was because I lived it daily for far too long, so I turned inward to fix what needed fixed in me. I never returned OR put myself in a position to analyze or reanalyze this person or allow any more distorted messages/lies to be sent from this Narcissist. What basis of reality would exist by staying in contact with this monster? Only more of those distorted messages and lies that were meant to manipulate me and got me to such a terrible place. So, I left all of that behind me to move forward. You can’t create reality where there is none and I swallowed that huge pill and moved forward for me.
I could share page after page of the ridiculous stories my Narcissist told me or situations that were all lies to cover up the truth. They were horrendous lies that I could clearly see through but somehow I justified each and every one of them. My Narcissist was out having sex with someone and using stories that one of their children was sick EVEN stating that one had a terminal illness, or the Narcissist was stuck somewhere because of bad weather, (again all lies.) But I could also tell you just how this Narcissist begged me to come back each and every time this happened as well as the devaluation this Narcissist HAD to inflict on me FIRST. This was all part of the process to manage me down to inflict a little more psychological damage. It ALWAYS comes back to HOW THEY LOVE US when they really don’t, but those words “I LOVE YOU” somehow resonate a reconnection with them OR TRYING ONE MORE TIME. So, there is a rhyme to their reason. The truth here is that they are pathological liars, they betray the very people that love them, they do not consider or even care how they hurt and disable the people closest to them, they turn it around and BLAME us, they will rage at us when they are caught in their lies and punish us even more and THAT is subjugation! BUT they finally apologize and beg for us to come back after they have inflicted these layers to damage us more and CONTROL us more – we are only supply to them. DEFINITION: Sub•ju•gate – to bring under control, with the intent to conquer. To make or force subordination or enslave. The state of being under the control of another person.
The human brain works in a manner that chemicals or endorphins are released in response to something that makes us feel wonderful and that gives us that euphoric feeling. BUT the opposite is true, when the stimulus that made us feel so wonderful is withdrawn from us the production of the endorphins shuts down causing anxiety and even depression. Just simple Psychology! It is very common that a narcissist can be so incredibly charming and perfect in the beginning of the relationship (love bombing) and you fall strongly in love. As a result of all of this AND the Narcissist’s manipulative agenda, you soon become strongly addicted to your partner and you still want this love available to you. It is an amazing love and MEANT to be that way to start the cycle of abuse! In normal relationships, it is reciprocated back and together you BOTH bond or fall in love. But with a Narcissist they dangle this love in front of you and then pull it away and make you basically beg to get it back – it is conditioning and they use this method to disable us! The Narcissist is grooming you in this back and forth manner to make you dependent on them. It is dehumanizing how they psychologically abuse a good and loving person to beg for their acceptance and love, especially when they initiated the whole process by tricking us into loving them to only bring us to our knees. There is nothing simple as it concerns being brainwashed or psychologically abused in this manner.
When that Narcissist returns to us after he/she has left us for the umpteenth time it is that ‘special feeling’ we want back, and we do feel special again. BUT the feeling is not the same as in the beginning because once again it has been corrupted by the dehumanizing behavior of the Narcissist and that grows and grows with each and every situation. In reality all we are doing is hanging on to that distorted love they offer. We are only hoping and always trying to fix everything to reach the same euphoric state we always felt in the very beginning of the relationship.
It is similar to what an addict experiences when their access to their substance of choice is denied and those horrible withdrawal symptoms occur, the same thing happens in a relationship with a Narcissist (the endorphins in our mind shutting down). As soon as the love bombing or the idealization phase is over the Narcissist’s behavior changes drastically. They become cold, distant, uncaring, and even very cruel or the direct opposite. You in turn feel lost and disoriented because your Narcissist no longer loves you and they drive that point home by blaming and shaming you into believing YOU have caused this shift in the relationship. You have no idea WHAT you have done or why they have changed their behavior, and the result is that you are suddenly deprived of your “emotional drug” or them, and you experience strong withdrawal symptoms. Your mind is filled with mixed feelings of depression, anxiety and other forms of mental pain and anguish and you want it to end to get things right again!
Through all of this, and the many other times you have experienced this, you have only tried to maintain your relationship, fix it, try harder, achieve order or whatever but there is never any success in your endeavors. If your Narcissist is giving you the slightest little hint that they might still be in love with you (or connected), or even care for you, it is just getting a small dose of their love drug to keep you hanging on. It is no longer consistent and you are doing whatever you can to get to it (that small dose) after the horrible deprivation. You experience a short-lived fix and those negative and oppressive feelings disappear for a short period of time but they always return and are even stronger than the last time because of more and more managing down!
Personally, I dealt with this on a continual basis. I am not weak but I fell into the charm, love bombing, and brainwashing or subjected to the effects of this psychological abuse. That is what gets us to this chaotic state of returning over and over again to our abuser. We would never accept or react to this type of treatment if we were not vulnerable from this psychological abuse. It simply disables your reality slowly and surely or through conditioning! Yes, there was my part in all of this and I dealt with that but it is still the outcome of having this horrendous manipulation and betrayal forced into my reality but it DIDN’T or DOESN’T describe me as weak – this was abuse. Lab rats are trained to respond with deprivation and humans can be brainwashed. It is comparable to being a prisoner of war and you have no other resolve but to respond to your captors because this has become your reality. This is not a silly excuse it is the reality that this is psychological abuse and domestic violence.
This addiction or obsession is purely destructive to a target/victim’s psychological well-being and it takes time to desensitize all the messages that got the target/victim to this point. Even after the fact (the discard) the target/victim feels unsure about themselves in everyday life and even simple decision making becomes distorted from being managed down so much – just another sign of the reality of this abuse. Many experience Post Traumatic Stress disorder or basically trauma like they were in a war zone. Targets/victims don’t just jump into a new relationship with vigor or trust and leave all of the psychological damage behind. A Narcissist will be in a new relationship within minutes of their departure, yelling to the world that YOU abused them and they had to run and never looked back to save themselves. Just another one of their little surprises to make sure they drive the abuse even deeper and we are completely traumatized. Just a strong identifying aspect of what they do. It is traumatizing to say the least.
A target/victim never walks away from this abuse as a strong and healthy individual – sometimes both mentally and physically. This is serious business and unfortunately some targets/victims walk away without the necessary help to recover from this abuse. Please as you read this understand that it requires your commitment to go no-contact, a strong education about these critters, support from other victims/survivors and any professional help to get you through this. Don’t spend your time trying to understand your Narcissist because they are what they are – ABUSERS. You have already invested your emotions and time into this for too long with NO SUCCESS and nothing is EVER going to change. Your time and energy need to be directed to your recovery process. All of the psychological abuse has to be purged out of your system. This is WHY we feel so depressed, full of anxiety or completely void of that feeling of how our life was once happy or basically traumatized. We don’t want the Narcissist back, we will only end up responding to the many distorted and hypnotizing messages used to extort our life and love. Knowledge is power, the more you know about your “enemy” the better you can fight it. In this case the enemy is the mental abuse inflicted onto and into you or this addiction to return to your narcissistic partner to fix this or fix the narcissist. Understanding the reasons that are causing your negative emotions makes it easier for you to gain back control of your life. No/minimal contact! Greg