You ARE literally hanging on by a thread! YOU are all that is important now. We must acknowledge the truth and move on and away from this Narcissist and the abuse! You WILL get through this and RECOVER.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
It is very hard to accept that you must TOTALLY separate yourself from this toxic and poisonous person you have loved but you must also prefix the relationship and experience with the concept that you were a target/victim of a Narcissist and abuse. Those two words were never a part of your everyday vocabulary prior to this toxic relationship AND you have probably just realized that this may be your reality. Prior to this you believed that this was all about love and that was a very strong MESSAGE that was ingrained into your reality by this person (the Narcissist). This is what you believed and probably will for some time yet. Yes, the bad/horrendous times have brought you here today to the realization that this relationship has gone so terribly wrong – BUT the concept that you love this person still remains in the forefront even with all of the abusive behavior you have experienced because you are so confused. This now becomes your plight OR to align the truth with your situation that this was a highly disordered person that conned you into this desperate and abusive love.
That love just DOESN’T go away the minute you realize the real truth that this was abuse. The emotional bond confuses you and puts you in and out of the denial that this is abuse and still holds you captive AND for far too long. Along with this love you have distorted and debilitating messages from this toxic relationship that have you frozen in fear, anxiety, depression, hopelessness, extreme loss, and vulnerable. How can you come to terms and understand this and come to the reality that this person you were with is severely disordered and has harmed so much of you and your life AND move on? There will be no conventional closure to this, just a journey that will tug and pull at your heart and mind in so many debilitating ways. But you must take this journey with all of the stumbling, falls, setbacks and pain to recover. It is a must for you to return to a normal life because your love and life was not meant to be used/abused by this predator – NOR, should you have to pay a debt for the rest of your life and suffer with the ambient abuse that keeps you silent, in fear, and locked up in this emotional upheaval.
To start on this journey, you must examine the thoughts, actions, and deeds that also relate to this love experience that has gone so wrong and actualize the truth about this relationship. This was a horrendous experience and very disabling. There is nothing that can change the past but there is something that can change the future and that is you and your ability to get past this. You more than likely feel that you can’t be without this person you LOVE, and you will never find another person who you can love as strongly AND completely. But the person you love/loved is a Narcissist that abused you. They have intentionally created this scenario to keep you chained to the abuse to only USE you and extort what they could from your life and make you feel like YOU are the bad person, worthless and THEIR abuser! But you feel confused, so disoriented, full of anxiety, depressed, betrayed and you are still trying to hold onto your relationship and make it work at any cost and stop the madness and the pain. Even with these truths why are you still hanging on and believing. What has you frozen and unable to move forward now that you have the knowledge of how destructive this has been to you? Unfortunately, this ‘hold’ is consuming your whole spirit and debilitating to you! If you were able to allow yourself the necessary space and clarity you would understand this so much more clearly than where you are now with all of these confusing thoughts. You must run, walk, or crawl forward to get to this clarity to break the chain of this abuse with no/minimal contact. Then with time away from this Narcissist along with some knowledge and education you will start on your path to recovery because it will provide you with the CLARITY to see past the emotional bond that this was situational and THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.
To start with please understand that your “love” towards this Narcissist is/was just an illusion, a mental trap that you fell into, and your heart and mind believe it is/was real! In reality the memories, dreams, and those precious things you imagine you shared with your Narcissist do not exist AT ALL – they were a mirage created personally for YOU by this con artist to get into your heart AND more importantly into your head. This Narcissist was/is stringing you along to keep their agenda alive and only using you as their PRESENT source of supply. When they are done with you they will just move on and leave you disabled and nearly destroyed as well as the fact that they have probably had many other relationships going on WHILE they were pretending to be with you. Even the family that you may have created with this Narcissist is subject to abuse and are disposable to this creature. These are horrendous and terrifying thoughts but this Narcissist doesn’t care one iota about you or anything now that they are done with you and have taken everything, even your spirit. So, ask yourself how many times you have TRIED to work this out and got nowhere so maybe now you can tell yourself it is done and time to move in another direction and away from the Narcissist and the abuse. It is the only direction you can take so that you can heal. How much pain have you felt INSIDE of the relationship and isn’t it wiser to end the relationship with the healing truth that will purge the abuse out of your head and heart AND yes there will be pain involved but it WILL go away!
All of this will take you a while to wrap your head around because it is just so out of your context as a person with empathy and love. But ABUSE is/was your reality in this toxic dance that the Narcissist created to trap you into their needy and abusive world and as their source of supply. Their manipulation and brain-washing kept you connected by managing you down and then reeling you right back in to keep you dancing in a dizzying circle until they found other supply and then moved on. This is ALWAYS the pattern! BUT you believed in this illusion with so much depth and now you must accept the reality that you have a major role in recovering from this and dispelling what you believed as far as them being anything real in your life. It is unfortunate that this is what you are left with but your recovery depends upon you taking an active role in breaking this disordered connection and bond to move on and away from the insanity. This message is so important, but you must never accept that this message says that you are WRONG, DESERVING, WORTHLESS, or a DEFECTIVE person that allowed this to happen to you because you wanted this. That is absurd and will result in you staying in this dance by yourself forever and believing that you could have done something to fix this or relate to this Narcissist’s disordered abuse to make this right! That Narcissist was never there for you EVER and will never be there for you in any capacity but to control you, harm you, and abuse you more! These confusing messages are directly related to the manipulation you experienced from this Narcissist and they are the messages you NEED to turn off – both the positive and negative messages that have you chasing your tail in circles. In time reality is going to bring you a totally new picture of just how terribly disordered this Narcissist is and it will more than likely be appalling and repulsive to you. Please practice patience and self-compassion with yourself and realize that each new day is one day nearer to recovery and total freedom from them. Don’t measure your progress by the pain you feel but by the strength that you have shown to get through another day. YES, you are stronger than you know because you survived this abuse and that Narcissist ran off because they knew you were too strong for their lies and agenda!
You may be afraid to lose the love of your Narcissistic spouse, partner, friend or family member, because nobody wants to lose someone they love. This is the reason that totally connects you to that pain you are feeling. But when you realize that you never had that love in the first place and actualize how this has negatively impacted your life, it will open a huge door of reality and make it somewhat easier for you to let go of the emotional relationship you had with a Narcissist and heal yourself. It may not feel like it but the pain AND anger is part of the process of letting go by lifting yourself up and empowering yourself with the TRUTH. The actual abuse is a different aspect of healing because it was psychological in nature and purposely imposed on you through this fake love to get you to dance with this Narcissist. It has planted so many negative messages into your mind that defines you as the source of the problem as well as worthless and defective – just part of the cycle of this abuse! Many times, we still connect the two (fake love and the abuse) in a manner that makes it so difficult to actualize these two things without blaming ourselves and thinking our love was defective. Just remember they are abusers and the defective ones and their cycle of abusing you had nothing to do with you personally. Keep those two thoughts in perspective and separated so that the love doesn’t distort the truth again and pull you back in. They are abusers and this was ABUSE! No/minimal contact to get you back to the amazing person you are! Greg