Narcissists are just seamless with their lies, commitment stories, manipulation, etc. It isn’t until AFTER you are taken in that the mask starts to slip and the personality disordered ‘critter’ rears its ugly face IN PRIVATE and after all of your emotions are in place and connecting or loving them.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
Narcissists DO find their ideal victims, and usually they are emotionally giving, very caring, kind, loving and selfless – basically good people like YOU and I. Generally, people that are centered in life and good natured, AND also loaded with positive empathy, emotionally generous, and unconditional as well. People that will bend their boundaries just enough to accommodate the bigger picture, and that is keeping life in a positive direction, working through things, turning the other cheek, etc. There is nothing wrong with that nor should any person be judged or looked down upon as a weak person for these qualities or better yet taken advantage of, bullied and abused for who or what they are. What I am only describing is a good and INTELLIGENT person that strives to keep positive balance in their life. My point here is that there is no label that should be applied to any target/victim as being deserving of abuse from a Narcissist or anybody. Remember that a Narcissist is looking for people to objectify or ‘supply’ as well as a person that can provide a particular service or need – how sadistic is that?
Yes of course there are lessons to be learned after abuse as it concerns creating new boundaries to protect yourself from future abuse. In the real world there is and has to be give and take BUT unfortunately the world of a Narcissist is ‘take and take more,’ or more appropriately con, trap, manipulate, extort, and abuse. It is a learning process that comes post abuse, or after being a target of this hideous situation and what is most important is that you don’t lock up your values and distrust the world. I had boundaries in my life to protect myself from chaotic, dangerous, and bad people – BUT I had no clue that there were people out there capable of tricking me through extreme lies and manipulation, using love to gain my trust and then willfully abusing that trust to extort from me and cause such destruction in my life. Narcissists will always step on and over your boundaries with their extreme trickery and manipulation. These are the world’s BEST con artists because they depend upon us for their basic survival so basically perfect their manipulation and learn as they go.
Narcissists will search out people and get a feel for who will dance their dance, play their game and who won’t and that is what makes them purely predatory. So basically these Narcissist’s are surveying, assessing, and interviewing most everybody within their general habitat to find their next SOURCES of supply to prey upon. They seek out and find their primary supply and many other sources of supply on the side. Remember ‘supply’ can be a partner but it can also be that overt schmoozing they do with people that can advance their career, or even people that can help them shield their identity like religious affiliation, people that can GIVE THEM THINGS, or ANY number of opportunities. Supply, supply, supply – that is the Narcissist’s ONLY goal and main objective, no real relationship, no real love, or no real future! They are like locusts attacking a field of wheat that they strip bare to satisfy their hunger. They don’t care that it causes the farmer great loss and they don’t miss the wonderful farmer whose crops they feasted upon or even send that farmer a thank you note OR establish closure of any sort – they just move onto the next field to pillage. Realistically a locust doesn’t trick a farmer into loving them, and the farmer is well aware that locusts exist, as well as what they can do to their crops. But that is my point WE didn’t realize that there was a dangerous creature out there that could do this to us with an arsenal of tools to achieve their agenda. The message here is that you CAN’T blame yourself or believe you are a fool – this was situational abuse from a very shrewd and manipulative person.
Here is where the big game of manipulation begins. They snuggle right up to your emotions and mimic them to create an amazing connection. Add to the equation that they are charming, intoxicating, AND they seduce their prey into their lair with lies and manipulation. They create a perfect association or a ‘love story’ for us depending on what they are after – and seriously it is only a story and one written precisely for us. It is a calculated move on the Narcissist’s part to figure out exactly how to find that place in our minds. They are quite good at it because they have completely fooled us or better yet conned us into a place where they WILL take advantage of our trust AND generosity because THAT is their goal. To a Narcissist it is just another day with no real thought or remorse to any of their adverse actions. They want something so they go after it and there are no rules or laws that they abide by as it concerns any harm they cause to people. Don’t forget that there is also NO empathy, so they don’t know human bonds or ‘love’ or even have a clue what it feels like, but interestingly enough they mimic it very well. What an amazing and well thought out plan a Narcissist develops and uses to secure their supply that shouts out PREDATOR!
The relationship happens so fast and they swept all of us right off of our feet and into their destructive hands. The reality and the very scary thing here is that they knew exactly what they were doing (too bad we didn’t know this!) None of this was friendship, love at first sight, or two soul mates finally meeting up in life, or that prince/princess charming fairy tale that we have heard and read about! Furthermore, this was not coincidental, an accident or FATE – you met certain criteria and were selected, targeted and then pulled into their cycle of abuse. This is all premeditated because a Narcissist does NOT know ‘love’ or act upon loving emotions or basic feelings in the realm of any relationship, nor are they a supportive partner OR ANY TYPE OF PARTNER, or in it for the long run. They are in this relationship (and I use this word loosely) to harvest their needs for SUPPLY. Think of it like being an appliance like a washer. You have a specific purpose and they will trade you in at the first sign of breaking down. They will overload your capacity and basically make you break down (just like a washing machine.) OH, and they probably are seriously entertaining a dryer (for supply,) a vacuum, stove, coffee maker etc. on the side because they have MANY needs. The point here is that they objectify people and we are basically an object to them and they have many objects that they are using at the same time. The difference is who provides the most supply gets the top billing with them.
You just don’t ‘spot’ a Narcissist because they don’t have a sign over their head that identifies them as one. Plus, they are very evasive creatures that camouflage their true identity and darkness so they can walk among us freely searching for supply to harvest. They are also high functioning individuals in our world. Even now the facts of how many Narcissists are out there abusing is probably way off. Do you think this predator is going to identify themselves in a census count? NO WAY because their false identity is part of their trade secret!
I always hear this commercial on TV as it concerns identity theft and your credit cards. The announcer says “protect yourself from identity theft with “blah, blah, blah” – a service that monitors any and all transactions on your credit/debit cards. Identity theft is relatively new but WOW society is well aware of it and the damage it can do to their financial world. Well a Narcissist will mess with your identity (and your finances) among many other things, BUT there is no monitoring company out there that protects you and calls your cell phone when a Narcissist is extorting every aspect of your life. When you are out today ask the first person you see to define identity theft and then ask them to define a malignant Narcissist. You can bet they know what identity theft is BUT they will be lacking a cohesive definition about Narcissism. One last question – who do identity thieves go after? ANYBODY AND EVERYBODY because they are predators after something we have that we can ‘SUPPLY’ them with – Narcissists could be aptly name identity thieves too! AMEN!
There are some clues or red flags that we definitely overlooked, but that is just not our human nature to turn away from something so amazing that ‘looks and feels’ like real love or a great friendship. We are going to pursue this and of course we are looking out for ourselves – but the CHARM and ‘love bombing’ from a Narcissist is created with US BEING THE MAIN COEFFICIENT and personally designed with US in mind. What part of the CHARM or ‘love bombing’ could have been identified as ‘questionable’ when someone is so friendly or loving you so completely?
They are just seamless with their lies, commitment stories, manipulation, etc. It isn’t until AFTER you are taken in that the real monster rears its ugly face AND after all of your emotions are in place and connecting or loving them. In the beginning stage it is all lies, manipulation and seductive charm. None of which are the type you can easily prove or even want to prove. They start out like a warm, cuddly, and loving puppy – so do you smack a Narcissist on the nose for saying they love you, or reject their hugs and caring with another smack? Do you run to the police when they say they love you and ask a detective to follow them? No, but in time you will be feeling like you want to, but that is down the road and after the big con job. This is a manipulative and lying predator with an agenda in mind and it is a ‘one on one’ manipulation with only YOU and the NARCISSIST in this dance! We don’t know how disordered they are while they lure us into their trap NOR do we know they are a Narcissist! Hindsight being 20/20 we get this message loud and clear AFTER we have been abused. The general populace doesn’t get this, nor would they believe that this creature could turn a beautiful romance into a horrendous game of destruction. Try to tell your incredulous story to someone and they will look at you like you are speaking some sort of language that they don’t understand.
Reclaim your power by externalizing (dumping) any and all blame and realize that this was an enemy you were dealing with that was very stealth and the attack came out of nowhere and this is not your fault! You are left as a prisoner of war would be and the poison that flows through your psyche started with what you thought was love. It is an insurmountable and huge betrayal with the dehumanization and realization that it was all a big lie because every minute you believed you were with them exclusively and you really weren’t. It is a ridiculous and horrendous pill to swallow. A person entered into your life that friended you or loved you (and they said they loved you exclusively) but it was ALL ONE BIG CON JOB! They extorted your emotions and manipulated them in such a debilitating manner to take you from this great love to making you out to be defective and worthless. Every person that has encountered this abuse can relate EXACTLY to this disturbing truth. Reminds me of one of those old black and white movies where a thug picks up a hitchhiker, making them believe they are going to drive them to their destination with good intentions, but instead steals their wallet and self-respect, and then pushes them out of the moving car and then drives off to find another victim. Knowledge is power and the truth that seems to hurt so much right now is what will lead you away from this abuse and into recovery and healing. No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg