YOU are the normal person here or the one who aligns reality in a very normal manner, BUT the Narcissist realigns YOUR reality through manipulation and deception to make you BELIEVE they are like you in every way when they are the direct opposite and purely toxic and SOON to be destructive to YOUR life and well-being!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
These are very cunning creatures and it is virtually impossible for a ‘normal’ person to wrap their head around this because Narcissists can and do act as if they are perfectly normal, and SANE – they can also be high functioning individuals but they lack the internal mechanisms to support ANY healthy interactions with other people! Then the question arises as to how they keep up the many charades with different people as well as how they are able to lie so easily, hurt people, and not have any remorse?
So how do they do this? They compartmentalize situations, people, and events completely and keep them separate. Narcissist are very private about their world because it is filled with so many secrets and lies AND basically they live double lives and even triple/quadruple lives or as many as they can maintain! ALL of these different lives they maintain consist of secrets and lies AND information that is potentially negative and destructive to the Narcissist’s lifestyle so if the truth is revealed and the Narcissist is exposed then the ‘gig’ is up so a few extra lies on top of all of the other lies is just commonplace in the Narcissist’s world!
If their twisted lifestyle or the secrets/lies are revealed either accidentally or purposefully it will cause great chaos or perceived harm to the Narcissist and those (their supply) around them essentially destroying their world. The Narcissist doesn’t care about what YOU or I feel, they care about what they NEED to survive and hiding the truth of who and what they really are. SO they are aware of just what they need to do to keep that façade going in each and every situation. Narcissists will use drama, rage, threats, fear, and deflection tactics by ALWAYS blaming everyone else for their deceptive behavior as well as creating great confusion with stories that just don’t make sense – it is all ‘smoke and mirrors!’ You will completely ‘get this’ one day as I unfortunately did and it is a horrendous revelation when the truth is right there in front of you!
Narcissists have a lot of internal shame driving them because of their inability to live outside of their out of control fantasy world – they just can’t face their reality. AGAIN – they are like magicians that create their false magic with smoke and mirrors, but the magic the Narcissist uses are their words and lies so quickly and effectively in an effort to confound or confuse our ability to see or hear the very lies that are right in front of us. They are not fully functioning human beings that completely lack empathy and do not know love, but they need us to satisfy their needs like we need air to breath. This is why they con the world into believing they are WHAT THEY AREN’T!
Furthermore, Narcissists will keep many, many secrets from EVERYONE close to them and spin such intricate webs of lies that are tailor made for each person in their life AND that is why you feel so special and like YOU are the ONLY one – again they compartmentalize everything. They will play one side against the other by triangulating to divide and conquer keeping the truth separate by keeping people and relationships separate. It is purely a diversion tactic that they create between people. Narcissists will also ALWAYS play the victim card as if they were the one that was taken advantage of without knowledge and fell into whatever the situation and couldn’t help what they did because they are the honorable one that took the fall for someone else – ALWAYS lies and blame OR transference! They are also very adept at spinning lies around a little bit of truth especially as it concerns PAST relationships or their many PRESENT lies and betrayal. My Narcissist had to work overtime to cover up the disastrous turmoil that this Narcissist caused to an ex-spouse and family.
OK so the nitty gritty to help you understand how a human being can be like this! Narcissists don’t live in the real world OR a real world. They live in their own world made up of fantasy, lies, delusions, deceit, and perversion. They have their own reality that everyone that has any part of their life must accept or they will be deemed crazy, punished, and even destroyed. They live in a world where they make up all the rules and then break all the rules. In this world everyone must think just like them or better yet approve everything that the Narcissist does without question or prejudice. If you are a part of their life you can never reflect anything that would reveal their true Identity or ask for accountability.
All of the Narcissist’s sins and indiscretions must be forgiven and accepted but YOU must be perfect and basically their servant and caretaker. Acceptance and adoration must be given to the Narcissist CONSTANTLY, but absolutely none is given to you in return. In their world ABUSE is how they show love and you must accept the abuse because that is all you are worthy of. You must support their deluded actions without blinking an eye, but if you breathe wrong you will be severely punished.
Living in their world will always involve gas-lighting, betrayal, pathological lying, isolation, triangulation, and extreme manipulation so they can keep their false identity in place. You constantly have to tip toe around the Narcissist’s fragile ego to keep them happy so that their true identity and nature doesn’t rear its ugly face and THIS becomes your new normal. Living in their world is like walking through a field of land mines or hidden bombs and you never know when they will explode but when they do the Narcissist is always there detonating them! This is no life that any person deserves or should even want to be a part of – but it takes time to ‘get it’ because of the superficial love and charm that conned you into this desperate love.
It is in reality a distorted land of make believe and everything is fine as far as the Narcissist is concerned because it totally serves them. BUT it is a land of horrible secrets and painful lies for the victim. THE ONLY truth is a relative truth based on what YOU may believe the relationship really is and that shrewd Narcissist will reinforce those beliefs and keep you connected to their abusive world so YOU will give them supply because that is why they are there and expended ANY energy whatsoever. YOUR relationship IS ONLY held together through fear, guilt and obligation – that and being a source of supply to this Narcissist until they find a replacement.
The Narcissist sabotages everything and everyone because NOBODY can be better or do better than the NARCISSIT! It is a place where your dreams will die quickly and your self-esteem and self-worth die along with them. It is a place where love does not exist at all! Suddenly after so much time together with this Narcissist your world is no longer the one you believed in. You question everyday reality, but most of all you question yourself. You wonder how you could have been so naive, foolish, stupid, blind, trusting, unseeing, unknowing, etc., etc. You were betrayed and duped in a hideous fashion by the great manipulator! It was just your turn to replace old supply and shore up the Narcissists lies. You essentially became their safe haven after their last target/victim and just new supply. It is unfathomable in our world to understand how ANY person could be this way but they are personality disordered and not fully functioning human beings.
YOU are the normal person here or the one who aligns reality in a very normal manner! BUT the Narcissist realigns YOUR reality through deception to make you BELIEVE they are like you in every way when they are the direct opposite and purely toxic and basically dead inside. With all of their overt manipulation they make you believe they are so full of charm and love AND there is no reason NOT to reciprocate back with your love, devotion and TRUST. You see no other reason than to believe him/her because if the Narcissist acts like you (the NORMAL person), reciprocates by saying that he/she likes or loves you, then there is no reason not to believe him/her because in your or my past, people who acted in this manner and spoke these exact same words could be trusted. You only believed there was congruency or reality in the initial connection and you did what other normal people did and went with it because the Narcissist LIED so well and hid their secret perverted world from you! But not now because time has changed so many things.
Suddenly you learn that someone (the Narcissist) you trusted implicitly, be it a spouse, lover, family member, close friend, etc., has been putting you down, backstabbing you, lying, manipulating others against you, betraying you, and yet STILL maintaining a FALSE stance of intimacy, friendship or LOVE with you. It is just impossible to understand because it is a horrendous betrayal, so your world becomes so unclear and now you have such conflict and animosity about this. Unfortunately, you are stuck between these two worlds – one where you believed in their love and one where you see truth that it was a distorted love meant to harm you! There are so many areas of your life that are impacted by the abuse that are so far reaching that it has even reached your deepest level or core beliefs and literally changes your identity! It is just never one area that is affected by this abuse, it is our emotional, spiritual mental and even your physical world that is seemingly altered forever! Each area requires its own recovery process and the reason why recovering takes time.
Life circumstances will naturally draw you back into the trauma. Something will trigger a horrendous memory and we relive those moments where we were horribly betrayed and taunted by this Narcissistic terrorist who conned us into believing they loved us to extort our life through their cruel and distorted love. There will be innocuous triggers all around us that reignite the trauma from the abuse and we will either run from these situations or put up huge walls to avoid personal contact to avoid being hurt again! It may affect your future relationships and you only question what YOU did wrong and reinforce what the Narcissist told you and that you are damaged and will always be alone. It is a fear of the hold they still have on us AND our future because of the heinous psychological terrorism/rape they inflicted on our minds. They are like a ghost that constantly haunts us and reminds us that evil exists out there and almost destroyed us.
You will more than likely hear that this Narcissist is with someone new and right back to their old tricks and getting away with their abusive crimes again. You may also hear that the Narcissist is succeeding somehow and even believe that this Narcissist is doing so much better than you! No this is the travesty of this abuse and how it has stolen your good belief system and replaced it with the darkness of a Narcissist. This is not reality it is the abuse foreshadowing your attempts to think normally and break free. Years of being managed down and abuse has made you vulnerable to everything that is only life and not meant to harm you. Narcissists are completely empty and cannot feel happiness, love, success, care, or anything that we can so please understand that everything to them is temporary until they find something else to replace it with – their world is completely external.
Recovery requires a complete indulgence and openness to look inward. It is a process that requires education, introspection, spirituality, voicing your fears, connecting with other targets/survivors, and a therapist if possible. You MUST totally acknowledge the truth about this person you loved and that is that they are an abuser, psychological terrorist, and psychological rapist. The process begins when you say no to the negative messages left behind and open your ears and eyes to a new life that seeks out true goodness because it is still there where it always was. Finally, you must put the Narcissist away forever because there is absolutely nothing that you need to connect with as far as it concerns them. That means any unreal memories or any other thought about them! You may want to see them fail with their next victim BUT they will move onto another victim and then another and you can’t be bothered trying to find closure in this manner. The wounds will turn into scars and you will come out of this with new boundaries, a new voice and your old belief system back in place but so much stronger. DON’T allow them to have a hold on your complete future! No/minimal contact ALWAYS!