THIS HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! Repeat this as many times as you can – the first steps to recovery – knowledge and a strong education so that you know and accept that this was situational and abuse!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
SAY NEVER! We never, never, never deserved this and most assuredly NEVER, EVER asked for this abuse because of WHO we are. We wonder where our prince/princess charming has gone and WHAT HAS HAPPENED that made this go so wrong because now they are more like Dr. Jekyll and Mr./Ms. Hyde. Well the time has come that we HAVE to move forward and learn about these predators. We have ONE DIRECTION and that is forward and now it is time for some education about this abuse and THAT is where you must go. We could only have wished we had known that this was abuse prior to this deceptive and destructive experience – but how could we have known that this really existed and that there are predators out there like a psychologically abusive Narcissist. Now, after the fact the situation I all too real and it has basically traumatized you, your belief system, your worth, your entire life.
Time to educate, liberate, and free yourself! Your knowledge will be your success in recovering. It will break the chain of this abuse OR thinking we can help them, cure them, use our ‘love’ to fix them and reverse this, change them, OR plead, bargain or negotiate with this abuser. You WILL quickly realize it is impossible and how the abuser REALLY wants us to react to keep us chained up in the chaos of this abuse and under their control. We will finally comprehend they have a problem we can’t possibly fix. We also understand that we are not the one with the problem, worthless, crazy or anything that this Narcissist manipulated us into believing. Malignant Narcissists are masters at their game AND targeting our empathy, caring, and nurturing instincts as well as capturing us through their fake charm and ‘love.’ If you’ve been attempting to fix this over and over again, STOP and accept the inevitable failure of these attempts and accept the reality, they are what they are (abusive) and there is only one direction and that is OUT of their disordered world and free from them. We have to fix ourselves and right all the wrongs and return back to a real life and the living again.
Now it is time that we have to ‘be real’ about all of this and do damage control to save ourselves, and our families from this attack on our lives AND MOVE FORWARD. Just like being in war we must create and build a concrete bunker from this point on to protect ourselves from the enemy. We cannot hide in this bunker forever but we can stay there until we understand what we need to understand to see that this battle was situational and we have won with no/minimal contact because we took our power back from this Narcissist and now clarity and truth will light the remainder of our way to recovery.
Their pathology and personality traits are so deeply ingrained into the cycles of this abuse that they are totally out of control and beyond ANY HELP WE COULD OFFER. They live a dangerous and perverse lifestyle and have ridiculously bad judgment as it concerns any other human beings – they just don’t care what they do and hurting others is simply part of the process of getting everything they want. AGAIN – they simply don’t care who they hurt, be it their spouse, partner, mother, father, brother, sister, biological children, friend, co-worker and even their pets. They DO NOT possess the mechanics of empathy, emotions, bonding or love. Their world is satisfied ONLY through EXTERNALIZED stimulation or objectification of people – simple put they extort everything they need from people and life.
They are not able to be in a close relationship or any relationship for that matter because there is no constraint in their life as it concerns their delusional and destructive actions (pathology) toward other people. THEY JUST DON’T CARE (there I said it again) and this IS the real and ONLY truth we must accept to move on and away from them. They lie and betray to manipulate us into believing that they care so they can use AND abuse every aspect of our lives. It is not just deception as it concerns relationships – they deceive the whole world by faking credentials, re-writing history, creating a new façade for every person they meet so they can take what they want with a disguise that can fool anybody and everybody.
We mourn the loss of reality in our life, along with dreams, memories, time together, small laughs and shared experiences. We mourn the loss of our complete life as if a part of us was erased or died from this hideous abuse. Our emotional scars cause us to doubt and question the real truth of this ugly reality. We are merely disposable objects to them, and that is incomprehensible to us. The abuse destroys our core beliefs about ourselves and life in general because this abuse is a traumatizing disaster that imprints itself on our hearts and minds and we struggle through this to fix all of that damage – but it is a MUST so we do not stay locked up in this abuse forever.
The Narcissist will most certainly react to the use of personal boundaries (or our resistance to their control) but if we are to succeed and break the cycle of this abuse we have to build an impenetrable fortress to keep them out of our lives and heads forever. Violence is always a possibility with a Narcissist so keep this first and foremost in your mind ALWAYS. Be unyielding in protecting yourself with your personal AND physical boundaries as well as with your decisions and expectations from this person. This will go a long way in lifting yourself out from this thick fog of confusion and boosting your self-esteem and ending the abuse because you are taking the control away from the Narcissist and back where it belongs with yourself. Refuse to be a target/victim and don’t be a willing participant in your own abuse by ever conceding to this Narcissist ever again.
The process of ‘leaving and grieving’ is emotionally devastating and lengthy. Remember that there are options out there like professional therapy or joining a support group to reinforce the fact that you are not alone in this. You are not JUST a victim in this abusive situation, you were targeted. In other criminal offenses the word premeditated is a word often used to describe an action that was thought out beforehand! Don’t expect other people (no matter how close they are to you) to understand what you have been coping with. Without having their own experiences with disordered partners or Narcissists, they cannot fully understand and they won’t be able to offer the real emotional support you need and it is very disappointing to feel so alone without someone to understand and support you now. Don’t take it personally because you have enough on your plate already and you don’t need to feel abandoned and invalidated any more than what you already are. Remember it is hard enough for YOU to understand this yet alone someone else so your stories will sound incredulous. The important point here is to NOT isolate yourself but instead seek out the support of other victims and survivors. This is our plight to fix those diseased parts from this abuse just as if it were a physical emergency that required medical attention and time to recuperate and heal.
Let’s think and talk about your emotions at this point. So I will say what most every other writer says – YOUR EMOTIONS will be on a rollercoaster ride with so many highs and lows. There will be many times when you doubt yourself, and question the reality of this all and WHY you. You can expect good and bad days, obsessive thinking, and thoughts of revenge, anger and serving justice. This is all part of the process. Just thinking about what happened is going to stir up all the negativity but essentially is a part of recovery so you can externalize or get rid of it from your mind and get to a healthy life again. We are inquisitive creatures and we NEED to understand so we can make real decisions, form thoughts accordingly, and then grow with this knowledge. Keep a journal it is an amazing tool because it requires a commitment on your part to keep active and stay strong and on track to recover – it is also wonderful therapy. I did it and it helped me out tremendously because I could read my thoughts on paper and it was like looking from the outside in and gave me a truer perspective when I came back to those thoughts. Surround yourself with good and normal people that can make you smile and even laugh and reach out to them even when you don’t feel like being around people.
Let’s talk about the relationship with ourselves because we need to be firm with ourselves too. We need to live in the reality of the situation to heal and move forward or stay in this fog forever. We have to ditch that ‘if only’ or need for closure WITH the Narcissist involved, or that obsessive thinking that keeps us hooked and wanting to see what’s happening in their lives. We need to accept the truth that we MUST detach and be strong and resist the urge to reconnect with them. Time is our best friend. If we do have to reconnect with this abuser because of obligations – BUSINESS ONLY!
OK, so this is the start of your journey or the first few steps to start out on that road to recovery and that involves fully understanding that you were a victim of this abuse and the person you loved or cared for was personality disordered. It was pathological in such an extreme manner that it is just impossible to understand how another human being could be so cruel and abhorrent to lead a basically good, caring, and loving person down a road of psychological abuse that essentially could destroy or damage them for life. This is a feeling that nobody could ever understand – there are NO ADEQUATE words to describe the feeling of what this abuse does to a sane, loving and empathic person. To understand the time that is lost, the EXTREME betrayal, and the experience of feeling worthless AND punished for no other reason than the fact that you were at the wrong place at the WRONG time and chosen by a predator to be their next victim of abuse. It is incomprehensible and takes so much self-reflection, strength, courage, love, self-compassion, validation, and a new journey that we must embark upon to fix ourselves now. Sometimes it doesn’t happen because many targets/victims do not even understand that they have been abused, they are convinced that they were to blame and have issues concerning their mental health because the abuse was basically psychological terrorism and MEANT to make them feel insane, crazy, etc. They were intentionally led down this road by a malignant Narcissist and the ABUSE has disabled them mentally so they also believe they ARE AT FAULT and live in that confusion and fog forever and NEVER recovering fully! THIS is why knowledge and education is your first effective tool to unravel the extreme confusion. You are an amazing human being and you HAVE the ability to fix yourself if you take the time to make it your priority – and part of that priority is getting that education and actualizing the truth that this was situational abuse and then discarding everything and anything about the Narcissist out of your heart and mind. No/minimal contact to start on your journey. Greg