Their love never existed in reality because it is/was really only the reflection of our reality of love that they mimicked back to us in a manipulating manner as if we have so much in common to make that connection that seemed like it is a real bond.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
What the narcissist needs is supply! We are supply and they need us. Their world transforms every person, in every walk of life to a need – people are reduced to objects that serve a purpose for them. If you notice that you end up helping a partner, friend, etc., constantly AND you feel you are bending your emotions constantly meeting their needs, stretching your resources financially and physically, and losing yourself in this process, this is a HUGE red flag!
I remember this in the early part of my relationship. There were many issues, many needs, problems with a divorce, issues with the Narcissist’s biological children, and substance abuse. I remember a huge red flag where I was pulled into the divorce and questioned by the Narcissist’s mother and asked for my opinion about stories around this Narcissist having anonymous sex, and the ex-spouse stating “Nobody understands what I had to deal with!” People were reaching out to ME (a stranger) because they were desperately seeking answers to a situation that was destroying the whole family! I was also pulled into an intervention to help this Narcissist through substance abuse as well. Now I completely understand what the “ex-spouse” went through all too well!
I was basically a stranger at that point and had no knowledge about the Narcissist except that all of this seemed confusing to me BUT I was being charmed to death by this Narcissist and that ALSO blinded me to my intuition and the reality that I was dealing with a very disordered person. It seemed that everyone had issues around this Narcissist’s divorce that included brothers, sisters, in-laws and even the Narcissist’s biological children. They weren’t supporting the Narcissist – they were supporting the ex-spouse – AND the Narcissist was BLAMING the ex-spouse. All of this was reality and red flags that I should have paid attention to – but the extreme charm and love bombing blind sighted me and I was giving this Narcissist the benefit of the doubt and what a huge mistake.
I also learned early on that this Narcissist lived an out-of-control lifestyle but again I justified everything because I believed these issues would disappear. I believed the Narcissist was suffering extreme emotional damage from losing the kids, drinking and recovery, all issues that I justified as the result of a terrible divorce, etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc. Yes, I know I over emphasized the ETC’s, but there were always MANY of these ETC’s. This Narcissist KNEW how to play the game and even lied to me the first day out of the AA program and that is not real recovery but the reality that this Narcissist was ONE BIG LIE, even using AA to manipulate everyone into a new façade that this Narcissist was changing.
We are people of empathy and we will extend ourselves to help others even when there seems to be so many of these ETC’s. Remember we were also charmed into believing they were good and we didn’t have enough time to actualize the REAL truth! Unfortunately, the wool was pulled over my eyes because this Narcissist was busted for infidelity – let’s say caught in one of their perverse ways! This is what this Narcissist is! I was not stupid; I was manipulated by the BEST – a NARCISSIST! ALSO there was a great deal this Narcissist could benefit with an association with me as well as my family and the Narcissist took full advantage of the opportunity! With a Narcissist it is always about getting the most of what they can from a situation to serve a particular need at that time. This is the exact pattern of how they pull us into their poor woe-be-me world with CHARM and a shiny mask to hide their pathology. We are just the NEXT in a long line of people they abuse. To add one more important point to this scenario, this same pattern became apparent when the Narcissist replaced me with new supply – now I was the abuser!
The most important aspect of this is how they objectify people and put them in a useful place to serve their every need even using people to protect them when they are in the thick of being exposed by a former victim. This can be anything from the person that is in a romantic relationship with them, friends, a co-worker, a minion to support the Narcissist’s lies, parents, and biological children – basically EVERYONE serves a purpose to keep that false mask firmly attached to the Narcissist’s head. We are players in an elaborate stage production that the Narcissist writes that should be called “My Delusional Life of Lies.”
YES, we do all have our roles – some of us are primary roles, secondary roles and bit parts – but none of us are looked upon as anything more than a reflection of the Narcissist’s needs and we are used to create a convincing and FALSE self for the Narcissist to wear, as well as serve them. They really do make the most of their delusional needs with outrageous lies, manipulation, betrayal and the whole nine yards. If we don’t play these roles in the exact manner the Narcissist deserves we are bullied back into our role or abandoned from the elaborate stage production and even punished. There are always new players added to the production as the Narcissist sees fit or for whatever opportunity may arise that serves the Narcissist’s delusional world. There is no commitment to any one person at any time or love in the least bit. The Narcissist is playing everyone from the moment they wake up until they fall asleep at night – IF they can even sleep. YES, this does include having multiple relationships as well. Unfortunately, we are always the last to know because that mask is firmly cemented onto the Narcissist with abundant charm and LIES.
This elaborate production runs and is even ‘taken on the road’ with the Narcissist EVERYWHERE as long as it draws huge crowds and pays the Narcissist’s bills (extorting us), and supplies their needs and wants. Once the Narcissist is bored with their production, or the players quit – they completely move on and re-write a new stage production for themselves with brand new characters. BUT they make sure to burn down the theater where their last production took place. Narcissists are only as successful as long as they receive supply from a support network. They are not normal functioning human beings, because their out-of-control needs always harm/destroy, cause havoc and chaos to everyone around them. They emotional beat people down and destroy lives!
Narcissist need to find people they can manipulate, even tricking them into falling in love, but the Narcissist’s version of love involves complete compliance, support, admiration, loss of freedom, basically doing everything for the Narcissist as well as dealing with their abuse. Your part in this relationship will NEVER be enough because there is not enough any one person could do for a Narcissist because the Narcissist can never feel any sort of gratification because they objectify all people – or basically use them and their needs are unending. The basis of any relationship is built on lies and that catches up with them.
This is the true nature of the Narcissist – a creature that is disconnected from people in this world because they feel omnipotent or rule supreme over everybody else and their connection to any of us is born ONLY OUT OF THEIR NEEDS and not ours. What else could an empty soul offer to any of us if they have no real emotions, empathy, or reality. What this boils down to is that they are by far delusional and dysfunctional and IN DENIAL of just how disordered they are. As long as they have new lies and new supply they shore up their delusions and move on with a trail of destruction behind them without a care in the world for who they have destroyed along the way.
Their love never existed in reality because it is/was really only the reflection of our reality of love that they mimicked back to us in a manipulating manner as if we have so much in common to make that connection that seemed like it is/was a real bond. Their actions are no different than physically abusing us. Whether it is a punch to the face or a punch to our mind they are hideous, lying, and abusive. It will take a long time to get past this damage – this is true. A hit to the mind is a deep wound. It also wounds us in many ways to know that someone could be so malevolent and destructive to actually disable us through such deviant manipulation to control us into submission. In that I have made amends in my life with this abuse and this repulsive being I remember all too well the damage to myself and my family. I learned early on to voice the truth loudly. I rejected the abuse and kept speaking out and will continue to do this to educate people. This abuse is hideous and NOBODY deserves the losses associated with what amounts to an extortionist. There are more than 100,000 people here speaking out about this abuse. There is education, strength, and healing in the numbers and a testament to the reality of these abusers. This account as well as everybody else’s story is incredulous, but they are all too real. Together we have to help each and every person that crosses the threshold of this abuse so that they can recover by understanding the truth – that is what lights the way for all of us. No/minimal contact always! Greg