The hard TRUTH – we never mattered to the Narcissist!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
One of the MOST DIFFICULT concepts with this abuse is the realization that you didn’t matter in the least bit to your Narcissist! There is only one person that really matters to the Narcissist and that is himself or herself! You were only one of the many stepping stones in their life to extort supply from or take whatever you had that they wanted or needed. They objectify all human beings and basically harvest what they can from them. You never mattered when they were with you, it was totally about their needs. Within this concept comes the many tools in their arsenal of abuse that they used to keep you under their control so they could achieve supply (basically all of their lies that flowed so easily, their lack of accountability, the betrayal, manipulation, etc.) They are predators that seek out prey. It is so hard to conceptualize this truth in a manner to completely separate ourselves emotionally and physically from this person – BUT WE MUST!
We believed and went along with the Narcissist’s charming agenda because we really had NO sense of the reality of the basic truth that they were never there for us exclusively because they conned us into believing they were. Basically Narcissist’s are pathological TAKERS. Our life lessons never included learning that loving another person should come along with a ‘WARNING’ that there are dark people (abusers/predators) out there looking for someone to drag into a trap by wearing love as a camouflage to gain our trust and then extort our emotions and everything that encompasses our reality to the point of destruction.
The truth is a Narcissist could easily be defined as being a thief of hearts and life. Trust me they are much more than JUST a thief but it encapsulates the truth behind their actions and agendas. They extort things from people and life just like a con artist does. They portray or pretend to be something they are not even remotely like, and then cash in on their manipulative agenda to TAKE everything they can and abuse you as well. My point is that a thief will break into your home and steal everything they can and they are off and running, and you are left with the loss and devastation of their invasion. A Narcissist would go a step further and burn your house down while you were still in it to make sure there is absolutely NO evidence that would link them to it. Everything with a Narcissists is a conscious act!
Take a moment and look at yourself after your abuse and then compare that to when you started out on this hideous journey with them. If you would seriously take inventory you would see so many levels of loss, to the point that this Narcissist has basically disabled you emotionally and PSYCHOLOGICALLY and this was part of their agenda or dismantling your reality so they could CONTROL you. Write everything down in a journal and make the comparison. Whatever you attempted to do in a positive manner because you believed in them was snatched up by the Narcissist and then they beat you down and made what you did wrong AND you only tried harder because there was no sense in their actions but somehow you believed that you did something wrong that needed fixed. This became a deceptive and debilitating dance with them, part of their plan to manage you down more and more so you felt that you HAD to keep giving and they just kept taking what they could or reaping all the benefits and never caring about the harm they were causing to you and your life. These are not just jerks or users, these are destructive and disordered individuals that enjoy the chaos and harm they deliver as they extort your life away from you. That Narcissist (just like the thief) has pillaged and taken everything they could, or all you had to give and then basically abandoned you for more and different supply! They conned you into believing they LOVED you to get you under their spell to do all of this!
I remember my Narcissist raging at me for no reason while we were taking a drive just to get out and see the countryside. It was nothing but a little adventure to enjoy some time together, but it turned toxic as everything always did. I remember driving and listening to all the crazy making escalate and I tried to keep silent with the hopes that it would stop, BUT it never did. It never started out with anything I did or said or did, it was the Narcissist creating avenues to manage me down and steer the day to end up in disaster. I would spend my time planning some nice things and this Narcissist would spend their time devaluing EVERYTHING I did. I would literally be raged at by the time we got home and from that point on it was walking on eggshells and I literally couldn’t wait until the Narcissist would leave – but it never ended there because it would continue with a call that kept the crazy making going so I would start the new week off with feeling worn out and in total confusion and despair. THIS IS WHAT THEY DO plain and simple – it is the devaluation they inflict on their targets.
You can’t engage in a real conversation with them that has the truth (about them) as the basis concerning their accountability in any given of these demeaning situations. A Narcissist doesn’t have a conscience or anything even near to it, so you can’t expect to have any sense of normality surrounding ANY conversation with them, yet alone the possibility you could make them understand the very truth about any of their disordered actions and lies. There is NO sense of remorse or any guilt associated with any of their actions and THERE NEVER HAS BEEN because what they do are really the functioning mechanics of who they are! So what I can say is that you can’t enter into any arena that involves TRYING to get them to accept accountability because they turn it right around, ‘lie and deny,’ ‘blame and shame,’ and then return with a horrible rage and revenge directed at YOUR integrity. This became a day to day occurrence with me, I couldn’t even breathe right without some sort of rage that was so out-of-control that it became scary. So a good reminder to anyone dealing with a Narcissist is that there is NO possible way that you can make them understand or accept responsibility concerning their dehumanization of people – especially when it concerns you.
Unfortunately, as I have said many times before, hindsight is 20/20. When you are still in the fog about all of the deceit you are at a loss because you can’t see or understand the overall picture of this abuse and just how damaging they are until AFTER they have moved on. Unfortunately, after the discard you are still under so many levels of this abuse so it is amazing that you can see the light of day, yet alone realize what you need to do to get away from them without all of the damage they cause. But what I can say is that ‘no contact’ will save you from a great deal of grief and help you get to more clarity as it concerns your situation so you can move forward to recovery – but it requires time so that clarity comes back to you!
No contact literally saves your life and enables to move onto clarity (and the truth) as far as it concerns your emotions AND their abusive manner that was meant to destroy you. No contact literally stops the chaos to give you the ability to think and relate to life in a normal manner or better yet start to get your normal back. No contact is not meant to be a simple phrase as if someone is telling you to “just move on,” it is a reality meant to stop the insanity or you will end up completely debilitated and destroyed. My unfortunate response to those that have to stay in contact is that any minimum contact is your only hope. If you have biological children or they are family, you HAVE to disengage from ANY emotional connection with them. In other words, you have to put up a wall that only allows you to establish parameters around important matters, and shut off anything else. Easier said than done because the Narcissist means business when it comes to getting back at you especially if they suspect that you are on to them. Mine kept up the abuse for 8 months after all was said and done and it only ended when I enforced the no contact rule.
My next suggestion is to try your hardest to seek support from a very select group of friends and loved ones that YOU CAN ultimately trust. Unfortunately, with many others we are ‘damned if we do or damned if we don’t’ respond to the many negative allegations that this Narcissist has waged against us and that can also be some of those closet people in our lives. The Narcissist will distort everything using familiarity (from knowing our innermost secrets) with vicious lies about you to protect themselves from exposure and instill fear into us. Once a Narcissist sees that you have caught on to them they will focus on destroying you and even creating horrendous lies that put you in a very precarious position. They will stop at nothing to prove that you are the source of the collapse of this relationship, a liar, loser, abusive, the person having affairs, etc., and basically the person who deserves all the blame. They can and will slander your good name and integrity. Along the same lines trying to explain your side of the story to people will make you seem crazy because our stories are incredulous! You will only feel invalidated and frustrated trying to tell the truth over and over again and hearing those dismissing comments to just move on because time heals all! You need tried and true friends to accomplish a secure and trusted support network and don’t worry about the rest of the naysayers that don’t believe you because they are not true friends and more than likely minions for the Narcissist. Your best bet is to find and connect with other survivors, a therapist that understands this abuse THROUGH a target/victim’s eyes, and group therapy if one exists in your area. Invest in yourself to get the help that is out there so you CAN and WILL move on and away from them forever!
When this abuse reaches the point that you have been abandoned or ‘you’ have left this Narcissist the truth will be very disabling and will tear at the very core of your spirit or being. Again add to this that the Narcissist is well aware that you may retaliate, so he/she has been planning their departure many months prior to it happening and they have been doing that damage control by secretly devaluing you to most anyone that will listen! You are overloaded with emotions, and all of the lies that were spread about you by the Narcissist and it is too overwhelming and DEBILITATING! EVENTUALLY the truth will always come out, but you can’t force awareness of that truth until it happens and people will see the true pattern AND then it will work against the Narcissist. Liars have to have great memories to keep their lies straight and Narcissists always operate in a hit and run manner and get caught up in their distorted stories and they can never keep all of their lies straight – mine most certainly couldn’t! I wish I could say that you can speak openly with the truth as you know it and that will fix all of this immediately, BUT it doesn’t work that way. You have to concentrate on your recovery first and let the rest fall in place – YOU ARE FIRST in this equation so please remember this as you start out. Once you are healthy you can speak with the very truth of your abuse in mind where it is necessary.
Because Narcissists do not come with a label that exposes what they are and their agenda, you are more than likely just coming to terms with all of this recently. Our emotions are powerful and even though we have been abused we have to reconcile our very own emotions to fall out of love with them. This is where the educational aspect of learning about this personality disorder is imperative to moving forward. Closure comes from learning the truth through educating yourself about this disorder. With me I stumbled upon the information and the pieces seemed to fit together like a puzzle. From there I also stumbled upon different healing sites that offered viable AND valuable information that gave me the big ‘ah ha’ moment that what I experienced was actually abuse from a malignant Narcissist. I went through the paces of doubting myself and kept in contact with this Narcissist for 8 months after the fact. Mind you I didn’t initiate all of this contact. This Narcissist was luring me into post abuse, trying to set me up and into their big smear campaign, using any and every conversation to gain information and use against me. This shrewd creature was manipulating my words to meet certain criteria and an agenda that would make me out as being obsessed and scorned.
Just remember what they are and that they ARE dangerous! Always take the position that everything they say to you is a lie and or based on a lie. They are running from their reality every day of their life, so never believe that they are better off. They are abusers and they destroy people and families and they will never know real love for all of eternity. Just think back to your time with them and their unyielding deception, lies, manipulation, betrayal and extorting everything they could from your life. You were never the reason the Narcissist acted like he/she did. You were a target of their abuse and so will ANYBODY else that ever has any sort of relationship with them. You were the healthy person that knows and understands what love is. You were the person that cared, believed and tried to grow with this person in a healthy manner. So again never look back because they will only drag you into their dark world and abuse you even more. There is absolutely nothing you could possibly do to ever change them.
Today I see the truth so clearly and write about it with the hopes to arm other targets/victims with the education and knowledge so that they don’t stumble and fall backwards as I did so many times. Please no/minimal contact to start on your journey to get away from this abuse. Greg