At its very core Narcissism is very simple – it operates on the principle that the Narcissist’s COMPLETE convenience and NEEDS comes AND MUST ALWAYS BE MET.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
A Narcissist lives in a world that is a self-made work of their delusional thoughts and actions, a product of their delusional imagination, a delusional façade that they create to pin all of their fake adornments on to be the amazing and omnipotent person that they BELIEVE they are – but the key word is DELUSIONAL because it is purely a self-serving world. It is all about appearances that are meant to DECEIVE people and draw them in. The Narcissist does not recognize individuality in people, instead people are mere objects to decorate or adorn the Narcissist’s world of lies and manipulation as well as support the huge façade – it is all about IMAGE and having ALL of their MANY needs met. We are the Narcissists audience that must continually praise their every word and action, as well as totally support their delusional façade that they are magnanimous human beings! The objects in the Narcissist’s world must not contradict the illusions or be BETTER than the Narcissist. So we all have our separate support roles, but more importantly we have to serve them and supply them with whatever it is that they want and for as long as they want us to.
This façade is the very tool that the Narcissist creates with all of his/her objects that affirms their invented reality. There is no continuity in this ‘false’ world because the Narcissist’s needs are so overwhelming that there are many little worlds in their one big fake world and each one is created with an individual flair for whomever the Narcissist is conning and using for whatever! My Narcissist had a few relationships on the side that I was not aware of! More than often the Narcissist can merely forget the present role they are playing or one of the many lies they have told and get discombobulated – but they are used to this and will deny any accountability about their inconsistency. I could always tell when there was someone new in my Narcissist’s life because of a new speech pattern, certain actions, or new words I never heard before because they basically morph into the new or newer supply! They will also borrow bits and pieces from their past relationships and intertwine them into present relationships because there is no ‘real’ personality to be found in a Narcissist so basically what you see or experience are things that they have learned from the past that help them take on the appearance that they are normal. They are predators that evolve with each and every new attack on another human being. We have to understand that this façade is the real agenda with these frauds no matter how emotionally attached we may feel. Simply put there is NOTHING real about them.
At its very core, Narcissism is very simple. It operates on the principle that the Narcissist’s COMPLETE convenience and NEEDS comes first AND MUST BE MET. This is not simple selfishness, it is the key component of Narcissism and goes all the way down to their “core” or what makes this Narcissist tick. So, whatever is convenient for them to believe about something is what they believe, AS LONG AS IT MEETS THEIR NEEDS. What that includes is how they construe events, how they construe other people, how they construe themselves – and all of this is done by a creature that has no empathy to care about their actions, lies and manipulation – just needs and only THEIR needs. Their reality is driven fundamentally by their needs and it is not a give and take relationship at all!
There are lies are in every aspect and at every level of their world, be it their ‘loving’ home life, with their family, their career, their religious affiliation, their friendships, organizations they engage in, etc. Lies at work, lies at church, lies at organizations, lies to friends, lies to the immediate family, lies to their significant other, lies to keep their secrets, just LIES UPON LIES! Yes, it seems like they are able to maintain some sort of stability with any given ‘so called relationship’, but that is only on the surface and it is just to support the bigger façade and usually based on complete and fake charm to achieve their abusive agenda.
They are amazingly good at it though! Think of the Narcissist as ‘The Pied Piper” that mesmerizes anybody that listens to his/her flute – and there are so MANY different and seductive tunes that trap most anybody. For example, you may believe that this Narcissist is exclusively yours but he/she has many other relationships going on even though they are pretending they are in a committed relationship with you. By compartmentalizing people, events, and actions with all of their secrets nobody is ever the wiser! They keep their dirty secrets hidden from the real world AND should you ever catch onto their lies they will defend themselves with more lies to protect themselves as well as destroy your integrity to stop you from getting at the truth or exposing them! You can also believe that Narcissist is probably quoting scriptures, preaching about how bad the world has become, preaching morality, and bragging about what a good parent they are too! But they are criticizing you and destroying your integrity behind your back while preaching on their pulpit to their many supporters that can’t see through the superficial charm. Oh and yes they are looking for and possibly securing new supply as they preach to everyone. Somebody always falls into their charm and lies!
Narcissists are just amoral with all of the crazy lies that are solely based on the Narcissist getting what they want and it is just that simple. Of course they need to support the ‘great façade’ first and foremost so they fit into our world or else they would be rejected within a minute of meeting them if people only knew about the darkness inside of these creatures! Narcissists are here and walking among us to TAKE or a better yet extort what they can from every aspect of life through manipulating the greatest resource – PEOPLE. The emotional attachments we form with these critters are formed from the very lies that this Narcissist uses to drag us into their world! Lying to us about how much they love us is just what they do to get the game going. What a bizarre phenomenon to have to accept as a reality, or having to believe that another human being can con you into loving them so completely just so they can extort what they can from you and probably the person that is standing right there and next to you too. BUT again they are so good at it and so seamless with their lies that we feel so personally attached to this warm and loving LIAR!
They will marry for years, even start a family and seem like a strong family person (mother or father,) but what goes on behind this horrendous façade (and in private) is a lying, destructive, and raging creature that couldn’t care less about their spouse or family. The Narcissist I knew used their marriage to cover up such a perverted lifestyle that it just saddens me to think that another human being could drag a family down to this level and walk away from them and even brag about their new lifestyle so openly AND inflicting more and more damage. They don’t care as long as they get exactly what they want! They lack any and all restraint when it comes to their needs as my Narcissist did and then turn it around and make light of their actions and even blame the ex-spouse. The truth I learned about my ex Narcissist and the destruction that this Narcissist inflicted on their ENTIRE family is beyond comprehension and should be criminal. This Narcissist to this day continues with the lies pretending to be an amazing parent with the silly minions that sing praises back to this Narcissist. I am also still an open target because of my writing and strong voice! The people that know the real truth (the family and other target/victims that were left with this delusional creature’s hate and damage,) are not any part of this adoring ‘peanut gallery’ that sing these praises – instead they are still the recipient of chaos and damage and stuck with this Narcissist. Does any of what I mentioned matter? The answer for me is no, but I am not in the direct firing line anymore – but if you have biological children and have to stay connected it can be a life of constant and disabling chaos dealing with them even if you have broken the emotional bond.
Life would be simple if we could just expose these critters, but unfortunately they take their game to the highest level by abusing people to get their needs fulfilled. They take a target/victim to such a high with their lies that you can’t see the trees through the forest until it is too late! It is so personal to each person because the Narcissist knows how to get into your head and extract information to seem like they have so much in common with you! You feel this amazing love they have for you and then you are none the wiser that they are extorting your goodness, life and love while they are living their disgusting lifestyle in the darkness with whomever will participate. Families are created and years go by for so many targets/victims of this abuse and they are left trying to dig out from under all of the damage. Narcissists have troops all around them that have also bought into the façade and lies that support the Narcissist’s lies and games and they are none the wiser either. The Narcissist isn’t going to let you get near to the truth about the people they have abused, destroyed and left behind. They have buried all of those bodies under so many destructive lies that it would take a backhoe to dig them up and out from under all of the lies and destruction!
They get married and even their children become part of their huge façade and they easily leave them behind UNLESS they need them to shore up their façade/lies for some reason. Anybody that has children to a Narcissist knows this all too well – but Mommy or Daddy Narcissist will be there to pirate a family picture or occasion to use on social sites, and pretend that they are the most amazing and loving parent! Their minions all sing praises to the Narcissist just like they were trained to do. A picture is worth a thousand words – especially if you are a Narcissist that loves to post pictures for those praising words. The real parent does ALL of the work in raising the kids, as well as supports their real needs! You will never see much interaction from the children and family that have experienced so much disparity around the Narcissistic parent because they have lived the truth far too long and avoid contact as much as possible.
When a target/victim or ANY person falls out of favor the Narcissist will jump to action and do DAMAGE CONTROL rallying negative support against that person from everyone. They are like a heat seeking missile that is seeking out the target/victim that has fallen from the Narcissist’s grace! The target’s integrity is basically destroyed and they become an outcast (discarded!) This can continue for days, weeks, months or even years. It will only end when the target/victim has either groveled or begged sufficiently or the Narcissist has a new target to destroy in their delusional world and needs you back to strengthen their inner circle again so they raise your status back up so you support them again! The Narcissist calls ALL of the shots and decides when you have been sufficiently punished and shown sufficient remorse and all of it is dictated by the Narcissist’s needs once again. The Narcissist is a dictator in their world!
So the coefficient here or what is common to every Narcissist is their pathological lying. The Narcissist presents this false self to the world, AND this false self is based on the image of who the Narcissist would like to be OR needs to be rather than what the Narcissist really is (a dark and soulless creature) and it changes with each and every new relationship. So basically the main trait we MUST always associate with them is this outrageous and vindictive ‘lying’ that supports that false mask or front regarding the Narcissist’s supposed love for us, as well as the fake accomplishments/achievements, amazing lifestyle, fake morality, etc. Plus, we MUST actualize that the Narcissist’s compulsive and pathological lying means that the Narcissist will not be responsible or accountable for questionable actions BECAUSE they are aware they are lying and will defend themselves because it is the functioning component in their world. This Narcissist also uses projection, which means falsely accusing others of their crimes by dumping the shame and blame on them because it is some sort of delusional cleansing that the Narcissist uses. Narcissists also create third parties in their ‘camp’ as false allies, or to support a smear campaign against THOSE that dare oppose them. When applied vengefully, the Narcissist is capable of pathological lying to severely damage other people’s well-being and reputation. They are completely impenetrable and we have to accept this and move so far away from their distorted relationship with us or be destroyed! This is reality and this is abuse. Your freedom will bring you the clarity to move forward and start healing. No/minimal contact always. Greg