There are many corrupt internal messages that the abuse has imprinted on your mind and those messages are what are making you feel worthless, the problem, perhaps believing you have mental health issues, and many more things that are basically disabling your perception or the healthy reality you once had.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
After this relationship ends there will be psychological, emotional, as well as personal issues that you will have to deal with. This abuse is not just about the horrendous things your abuser did to you because that is now the past and the abusive aspect. What you are having to face is today and dealing with the damage from this abuse or things that have changed many of your perspectives concerning your belief system, thought processes, your worth, your mind and your heart. You adapted in a damaging way to become functional where there was no real function for you in this relationship because it was a desperate love that you were conditioned into believing you didn’t deserve because there was something wrong with YOU! The abuse manipulated you and managed you down in such a manner that it basically brain-washed you as well as traumatized you in the process of trying to achieve a cohesive or loving relationship. You were reacting to the fear of loss that was imposed on you to conform or be forced out by the Narcissist. It doesn’t define you as weak, a fool, dumb or any of the above it is just a fact of what this abuse does.
Many corrupt messages were delivered from this abuse that have been imprinted on your heart and mind and those messages are what are making you feel worthless, the problem, perhaps believing you have mental health issues, and many more things that are basically disabling your perception or the healthy reality you once had. These certain changes that took place over the course of the abuse must be undone so you can become the person that you want to be, or the person you were before the abuse.
There are many lists out there that basically describe what a victim/target of emotional and psychological abuse experiences so I wanted to put this out there as reference:
•constantly hearing that internalized and critical voice from the negative messages that were implanted into your head and heart from your abuser
•wondering why you are not feeling happier now that you have moved on and away from the abuse as you believe you should be feeling
•feelings of insecurity concerning how you appear to others, or feeling a need to always explain yourself, or just uncertainty of how you fit into this world
•feeling angry, suffering anxiety and depression and sometimes questioning your own sanity
•the feeling that time is passing you by and you are missing out on many things in your life or basically you are stuck in a dark and ominous void
•a strong feeling that you don’t want to be the person you are or overly sensitive to your situation
•feeling hesitant to accept your own perceptions about things as compared to before when you were very decisive about most everything
•a feeling like you want to run away or completely escape your present situation
•a sense of worthlessness and failure where before you felt confident with your abilities
•a loss of enthusiasm and spontaneity and trust of life
•living in a perpetually guarded state or always protecting yourself from being hurt through avoidance and isolation
•thinking and feeling that something is wrong with you
•constant soul searching and reviewing past incidents in the hope of determining what went wrong, even obsessing
•a strong loss of self-confidence compounded by a growing feeling of self-doubt and always feeling the need to apologize for who you are
•living in the future instead of the present, believing everything will be good when this, that, and whatnot happens – but you also feel it is not happening and you feel your life is basically over as it concerns finding true happiness again
•having a distrust of people, future relationships and settling that you may be alone because you are unlovable or don’t offer enough for another person to love you, or that you are worthless
Those are some of the things that may be cycling through your thoughts and mind. These disabling thoughts are directly related to the managing down, manipulation, and the negative messages from the abuse. These are the very things that you must conquer, desensitize or extinguish because if not you will be imprisoned by these messages forever. Becoming healthy again is replacing these distorted messages and returning to ‘the old you’ that existed before the abuse. The most important thing here is learning to trust and love yourself again and then reigniting those old belief systems BUT with new boundaries and introspection – this only happens with self-compassion and understanding that most if not all of these distorted thoughts came to you from a personality disordered person that you must now put out of your mind and life forever!
This abuse doesn’t stop the very day you walk away from a psychologically and emotionally abusive partner. It more than likely may continue to affect you long after you are out of the relationship until you completely educate yourself about this abuse or what psychological and emotional abuse is! It is unfortunate that you and I have had to experience this and are left disabled and damaged by our abuser BUT we can’t allow it to affect and destroy the remainder of our life by staying imprisoned with these thoughts. You were an amazing person before the abuse and you are going to be more than that when you recover and become a survivor with new boundaries and a new perspective when you get back to life and living again.
Psychological and emotional abuse is any judgement, from ANY source, that humiliates, undermines and paralyses you. People do have a right to comment on errors you have made, but they are NEVER justified in suggesting that those errors undermine your human worth or dehumanize you through a personal attack. If you think about your abuse with a Narcissist, this was a slow and insidious day by day and CONSTANT manipulation of your character. It was mixed with love and you were thrown a little bone now and then, but that was only to pull you back into the abuse and managed down more or negative conditioning. It was a horrendous manipulation of your mind, character and integrity by a disordered person, dehumanization and purely sadistic. They are the sick one here and not you but you have been damaged and disabled by your connection with them.
This abuse keeps you hyper focused on the past by only viewing the present and the future through the negative perspective of the abusive relationship or those negative messages that were forced into your head and heart. When you’re in an emotionally/psychologically abusive relationship, the Narcissist always reminded you of everything you have ever done wrong and basically told you that you will never change. They do this with the constant managing down with something new or old and remind you of it constantly. There was never much that was ever directed at you in a positive manner either, instead everything you did was devalued where you continually strived to do better in response to the devaluation and that became your normal with them. What did this make you feel like? Worthless! Basically it is the devaluation stage of the abuse and that is where these negative messages became imprinted on your mind! AGAIN – it is insidious and sadistic or dehumanization of a human being.
Psychological and emotional abuse basically brainwashes you into accepting whatever negative things your abuser said about you as real or your reality and worth as a person. They make you so vulnerable through the devaluation process that it confuses AND disables your reality which in turns undermines your own opinion of yourself AND then you believe they must be right because they are so relentless and angry about these so called things you do. The Narcissist is HEAVILY invested in their agenda to devalue you so they can maintain their power and control over you! Their attacks are traumatizing with their desperate convictions, lies, betrayal, accusations and so much more.
Narcissists do not think the same way the rest of us do as far as it concerns empathy, love, and support because it would allow us to be individuals that think independently or outside of their controlling and abusive nature. What is logical and reasonable to us, is the absolute opposite to them because it does NOT exist in their world. It’s one of the reasons healthy people get so frustrated and confused and ABUSED by narcissists. We would never consider making someone angrier or more upset – especially someone we value and love. To the Narcissist making someone angrier, invalidating their concerns and using it against them is part of their agenda to devalue or abuse – it is basically controlling another person. Seriously they are only bullies and cowards that always lurk in the shadows to hide their real identity with their lies, manipulation and disordered lifestyle. Control is power in their world and the end result is ALWAYS abuse as it concerns people that have any connection to them! The process to recovery involves reversing the negative conditioning and desensitizing the horrendous messages that stole your reality, self-esteem, feeling of worth, and goodness. This all starts with no/minimal contact to achieve this clarity once more by ending the cycle of abuse with this Narcissist! Greg