Variety is the spice of life and with a Narcissist it could NEVER be truer. A little bit of knowledge to help understand how they do what they do without feeling ANYTHING!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
More of that TRUTH – let’s really get this! Narcissists are a big lie and they have to always look over their shoulder to make sure they aren’t caught and that guilt is what worries them – THEY DON’T WANT TO BE EXPOSED FOR WHAT THEY ARE but they are also able to dismiss who and what they are so very easily. That is the working mechanism called projection or one of those clinical terms that is repeated over and over again but important in understand this personality disorder. Obviously they don’t care about the deceitful action they have committed because they repeat their offenses daily – BUT they don’t want to tarnish their shiny selves by being exposed either because they NEED that façade to make their game work – that is where this working mechanism or projection comes into play.
So to start – guess who will be forced to carry the blame/shame for them – you got it – that would be YOU and I! Add to the equation that Narcissist’s are the MOST insecure and needy creatures in this world and that is why they are so self-absorbed with seeking supply wherever they can find it. A Narcissist cannot internalize emotions, feelings, caring, or love so they have to find external stimulation or objects to feel alive. They will build up a façade so completely that they will even use marriage, a family, a career position or whatever to be the fortress they will hide behind to get that adulation and admiration they crave so desperately. It also protects them from being exposed by seeming so real and genuine BUT they are hiding behind us to shore up their façade and look normal because THEY DO NOT DO NORMAL. BUT and this is big – they are never the saint that they strive and pretend to be nor the amazing person that they project to the world. You are just part of the defenses and façade to protect their image and give them FREEDOM to look normal and do as they wish and prevent them from exposure – well that and attaining supply too. Let’s just simply say they do all of this to fit in or camouflage themselves!
OK so back to the basics of positive and negative projection. By projecting positive things onto the target/victim the Narcissist is using us as a mirror so their virtuosity is “reflected” back onto and into them. It enables them to bask at their glorious image they WE reflect back to them with our love, caring, adoration, and respectful responses, etc. In turn they believe it is their reality and use it so that they can walk around with their superior attitude making them appear as saintly, virtuous, kind, having empathy, love, and the whole nine yards or very charming! SO in reality they are seeking their own approval as being worthy because they are the furthest thing from perfect or virtuous AND in reality we are only an instrument like a mirror for them to adore themselves and that is as deep as it goes with them or satisfying their vast and empty void. This is the Narcissist’s grandiose and false image they present to the world and use to get what they want and need supply. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING REAL ABOUT THEM and once we get this we MUST move on and away from them completely or else we are only supporting their façade and basically abusing ourselves.
Now to the negative projection. It is basically the same thing in reverse. The Narcissist projects their darkness, their ugliness, perverted habits, distorted thoughts and beliefs, or the truth about just how hateful their actions and deeds are, or their whole reality onto the mirror or us (again). This time they are essentially transferring their negative reality onto us in order to make us feel and appear to be the faulty one. The reflection they get back is another version of their saintly selves as being moral and denouncing the very hateful and perverted things they act on. The Narcissist transfers ownership of their negative and faulty character flaws as belonging to us. By doing this the Narcissist is in effect using the target/victim as a dumping ground to rid THEMSELVES from blame and shame. I would be raged at and accused of having affairs, lying about something or other, told I was worthless or any other number of things – none of which were real but I couldn’t wrap my head around why this person that loved me accused me of so many CRAZY things. In one simple word – PROJECTION! That is why it is important that we understand this clinical word because it is one more piece of the puzzle that will help us achieve our own closure through knowledge/education. NO you are not crazy or defective you were made to feel this way when the Narcissist transferred their darkness onto you! It is just another form of chaos from a personality disordered person,
What is the main coefficient here? You, me and the rest of the world. Without us there is no way they can participate in life and achieve supply. They HAVE to live amongst us with a believable reality, but they can’t monitor or control their distorted needs, nor do they even see their destructive behavior or perverted lifestyle as dysfunctional because they are too damaged, in complete denial, and just don’t care. Everything you offer them, be it care or unconditional love is used and abused so they can get what they want period. Their ‘projection’ is the tool they use to HIDE the truth and make us believe. Unfortunately, that façade and mask slips because they obviously will get caught up in their lies and distortion, so they turn them right back around onto and into us as if we are abusive like them! They are very good at this projection and that is why we always end up devalued or they take us from ‘Charm to Harm!” They are also extremely efficient abusers as it concerns hiding their reality to get what they want. We have to put ourselves in a position to truly understand that what they were doing was subjugation to each and every one of us and only destructive and sadistic to US. No there is no real love or commitment as it concerns our time with them and there never will be. Once you get to this realization the pieces fall in place to help you actualize your position as an object that they only extorted and abused!
As simple as it all sounds the Narcissist’s aim is impeccable and all of us are the targets and we make their life work. Think about their attacks. Who does the Narcissist call a liar? The honest person and usually that means you and me, but who is the real liar – the Narcissist? Who does The Narcissists say is bad, dangerous and the abusive person? Well again the good person that actually cares for them and probably loves them and that is us again. They will put themselves before their own biological children and family, and that speaks so loudly about how disordered they really are! Remember though they are quite talented at what they do and they have all of this down to an art form so their talent for farce is so great that MANY people mistake the Narcissist for stoic and astute as we have all done. They are working that image for sure and making sure they do their own public relations and finding their supporters because they have to hang onto that mask for dear life. But in that definition just remember that their insecurity is so intense that they have to seek out many mirrors (people) to constantly reinforce the big facade or the big lie of what and who they are. They have no room for anything else in their lives other than keeping that façade and themselves viable and alive – but it is not plausible because they are so out of control that they always get caught up in their own game. You can only fake it for so long!
So many times we see ourselves as foolish for falling for their lies and façade. But put some thought into this, EVERYONE falls for their façade, even their minions, or the naysayers that find our stories too incredulous to believe. So are they foolish as well for not seeing through the Narcissists façade too? A big YES. So if we are to accept foolishness then the rest of the world must join in accepting their role as also being FOOLED by the Narcissist’s grand façade! It is OK to be foolish if you realize the truth of the situation and move forward in a new and positive direction.
A Narcissist has the mental capacity of a child with no sense of measure or moderation. So a Narcissist is more dangerous with their thoughts and mouth than an angry child throwing a tantrum because they want what they want and WHEN they want it. They will spew out some poison about someone as easily and naturally as we take a breath of air. Remember a Narcissist only loves themselves and there is NO room for anything else but seeking out people or supply to reinforce their lame façade. They have no normal human relationships because they can only relate to people as objects. As I mentioned above, a Narcissist will project off of their own children as thoughtlessly as they would anybody else that stands directly in front of them and that is just too unnatural as it concerns the human condition. Since a Narcissist is really a severely deranged child with no emotional maturity, rules or regulations, the only reign or hold on their behavior is what they feel they can get away with. So, the more The Narcissist gets away with, the more repressed guilt they have to purge onto some poor target/victim. Nobody escapes a relationship with them without some sort of damage.
This is why you eventually end up devalued and discarded. This creature doesn’t have any expertise in any realm of human relationships, the human condition, or loving anyone. It is only a matter of time that their mask slips and their boredom, true disdain and hatred for the connection they forced on you/us surfaces. Their real disconnection with people is their reality and it ALWAYS sends them off in another direction to find new people to feed their out-of-control lifestyle. WE ARE ONLY SUPPLY and they have to seek out more viable supply to get that high back because they CAN’T participate in real intimacy and let it grow and they only FAIL at it miserably, but they have convinced us that we are at fault and we internalize it as the reality of our situation. They are fighting a battle with themselves that demands putting their full attention to their false mask and fortress, and the only way to always have that strong adulation and admiration they need is VARIETY. Remember that old saying, “variety is the spice of life,” and the Narcissist lives by this.
This is not an excuse by any means because they have the same ability to turn it around in a positive fashion by making positive changes but they are happy the way they are. ALSO remember they will stay as long as you allow them to, but you will lose yourself completely! Don’t feed this Narcissist with your positive and loving energy because that is what they are after. They can’t create this on their own so they have to manipulate and extort it from us and from the rest of life. What does that make them a thief, an extortionist, or what? Well it makes them abusive to people. They don’t invite us into their lives and say that they need our help to be normal or seek our help – instead they trick us, con us, and abuse us to get what they want and then slip back out of our lives after they have gotten it and try to destroy any evidence of what they actually did. The end result from all of this horrendous betrayal is traumatization of a good person or abuse! Start your journey to recovery with the education and knowledge to truly understand that this was situational – then you will be able to start the healing process and take a deep look inside to shore up the wounds and set new and strong boundaries to be able to join life again as well as trust that there is goodness out there in the world. You have the ability to do so and will come out of this and back to a normal life as the amazing person you once were and even stronger. No/minimal contact to end this abuse! Greg