The Narcissist is intentionally distorting and debilitating your reality through extreme manipulation so that you will become isolated and dependent on them as the center of your universe. It is a tangled mess for the victim/target to discern reality from all of these mechanisms that are in place for the Narcissist to succeed at doing what they are doing – or using abusive conditioning TO GET SUPPLY!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
A Narcissist needs to project so many things at and ‘into’ their target to feel empowered and real, as well as deny their own darkness and destructive ways by transferring and dumping everything and anything toxic onto the target/victim. It is a tangled mess for the victim/target to discern reality from all of these mechanisms that are in place for the Narcissist to succeed at doing what they are doing – or using abusive conditioning TO GET SUPPLY! Remember that the victim on their part is relating to the Narcissist through the FALSE belief from the ‘con job’ that they (the Narcissist) are ‘normal’ and able to love, bond, AND capable of emotions – none of which is true in the least bit as it concerns any type of relationship with them.
At any given moment there are lies to defend their delusional un-truths, manipulation to confound and confuse you, betrayal to hurt what you believe is real, back-stabbing to undermine your integrity, triangulation to destroy your immediate circle of friends and family, love-bombing to make you believe the Narcissist is true to you, blame and shame to make you believe you are the destructive force in this relationship, WITHHOLDING to condition you to react as the Narcissist wants you to, raging to make you fearful of your existence, hate to reduce you to feeling anguish, name calling or making fun of you to steal your self-esteem, projection to make you out to be the force behind the destruction, denying you any semblance of your own reality, silencing to invalidate your individualism, punishment to make you accept their way or accept harm as a consequence, smearing to destroy your complete integrity so the Narcissist can escape exposure, AND many more avenues that a disordered Narcissist will travel to manipulate their target/victim into submission. IT IS A DESTRUCTIVE AND DEBILITATING EMOTIONAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE!
Psychological abuse is a process whereby the abuser conditions or manages the target/victim down through subtle to extreme CONTROL. As I outlined above there are so many tactics that a Narcissist uses to do this so that every aspect of the target/victim’s conscious world is manipulated into dealing with the abuse tactics and this diverts and warps a target/victim’s reality over time and traumatizes them. The biggest lie is the charm and love bombing the Narcissist used to trap the target into their abusive agenda. It becomes a 24/7 or full time job as it concerns the target/victim dealing with so many mind games that are thrown their way. It literally causes their world to fall apart around them and the constant chaos becomes the victims new normal.
The conditioning a Narcissist uses changes behaviors and manipulates the victim’s normal reality and transforms it into some form of fear for the target/victim. Fear is many things with emotional and psychological abuse – fear that the target/victim BELIEVES they really have mental health issues as they are told, fear of abandonment, fear of punishment, fear of loss, fear of rage, fear of destruction at the hands (or better yet the mouth) of a Narcissist, fear of being harmed, fear of isolation, fear of being punished, and fear of not being worthy of love AND life.
This conditioning process ALSO puts the target/victim into a place of trust first where they are joined at the hip with their abuser. Clinically the Narcissist ‘love bombs’ the target/victim literally to death to create this strong emotional bond so they can easily achieve their agenda to pillage, extort and destroy their target/victim’s reality, mind, and soul. It conditions the target/victim to value the Narcissist above themselves because the Narcissist successfully managed the target/victim down so they DON’T value themselves anymore and becomes dependent on the Narcissist for validation. It is a constant barrage of a combination of manipulative and negative actions as well as the LACK of positive and supportive actions. It is also punishing the victim through silencing, raging, ignoring, criticizing, and forcing them into complete compliance. The target/victim is forced to only consider what the Narcissist needs are, and the Narcissist NEVER considers a single need of the target/victim. Consider that their targets are either people they have manipulated into a relationship with extreme charm and love, or biological children of Narcissistic parents that are born into the abusive situation without ever knowing anything different than the desperate love a Narcissistic parent offers to their child.
The Narcissist disallows individualism in favor of this complete compliance, and adoration of themselves. Failure to do so will only lead to stronger attacks of anger or rage to comply or else. There is no reward for meeting the Narcissist’s needs because they will demand more and more. The target/victim is drained of their self-esteem, worth, and reality and the Narcissist will only go in for the kill with more dehumanizing, destruction and ‘smearing’ their target/victim and then abandoning them and moving on to abuse another. It is purely sadistic and dehumanizing to the victim of this abuse.
With all of this in mind is there anything that is as equally insidious as far as what this abuse does to a good, loving, caring, and moral person that lives with empathy at the core of their reality. NO and I say it again as a survivor of this abuse that has lived within this destructive lifestyle and lived with what was a battle to regain my integrity, self-worth, and life back. This is not a simple matter of going into recovery, it is like learning to walk again, seeing the goodness once more that does exist in life, learning to trust people, rebuilding yourself financially, and basically starting over after being infected by a contagious, destructive, and personality disordered Narcissist.
The Narcissist will always manage EVERYBODY down and condition us to believe that their every action/word (abuse) is a reality that we must accept because we don’t deserve any better. A Narcissist wants your reality, your goodness, and basically your life and to completely accept them as ‘perfect’ or jump ship and drown without them.
A Narcissist will use ANYTHING to convince you that you are seriously damaged. They will prey upon your weaknesses and embellish them to make you believe that you have serious issues. Alternatively, a Narcissist will even use chaotic backdoor psychology on you, or strong and FAKE religious beliefs, or a false consensus from friends, or family about your instability, even from your co-workers, etc. to justify their lies and inexcusable behaviors concerning you. For example, saying things like – ‘I pray for your healing daily,’ or ‘you have issues that you need to address with a therapist,’ or ‘my therapist agrees with me about your actions,’ or ‘my mother agrees with me and understood what I did because of the way YOU treated me’ (this concerned an affair my Narcissist had), or the basic hit and run comment ‘I am right and you are wrong’ and then just walking away! These are nothing more than tactics for deflecting responsibility and reinforcing them with ill placed and FALSE comments from other people that aren’t even involved. A Narcissist rarely, if ever, admits they are wrong unless it is to zap you with a hidden insult. For example, ‘I am sorry for thinking and believing that you were a kind, caring, loving, and generous person’- I see that I was probably wrong about you.”
A Narcissist rarely if ever takes responsibility for their hurtful actions. If you call them out on their bad behaviors, they claim it was your fault for pushing them into it (in other words, you deserved it) and you’re a bad person to make a good person like them (the Narcissist) act that way – they will even say that nobody has EVER treated them like you have. You should be ashamed of yourself! I was continually blamed for my Narcissist’s horrid and raging temper with comments that I pushed the Narcissist to act this way. No, I was a great, caring and giving person and I was not responsible for my Narcissist’s lack of control or disordered lifestyle. Everything I was accused of was only delusional and fake accusations of things I was supposedly doing that would come out of thin air to start an argumentative situation with toxic drama, silencing, and betrayal as my punishment, OR managing down to control me and make me feel constantly confused and worthless. This is their modus operandi or mode of operation. Seriously who ever coined the phrase that ‘talking to a brick wall’ must have been describing a conversation with a Narcissist.
We must remember that knowledge and education are the first steps in our recovery and VERY important ones. We also have to look deep inside of us to fix and heal the very things that ARE weaknesses that this abuser embellished and used against us. We must look at these as our issues that we need to fix within us to be as healthy as we can be when dealing with the world or better yet people. We all have insecurities and weaknesses and they do not make us a bad person or wrong but they can and will hold us back in life or even allow toxic people to get the best of us. Nobody deserves abuse for ANY reason but we must also be able to know ourselves well enough to protect ourselves too. Recovery therefore must address these very things so that we do not ever allow abuse in our life again. Lastly it is to our benefit to set up strong boundaries as well – especially around our personal life and protecting ourselves. We know what these abusive creatures can do from the experience of knowing them so we must be a wiser and stronger person through the unfortunate lesson we experienced from this abuse. Recovery is a process that not only frees us from the abuse but also allows to do a deep introspection as well as a personal inventory to be the best person we can possibly be. Also always remember that you are an amazing person and this was situation. You deserve Light, Life and Love! No/minimal contact to stop the madness and end the abuse! Greg