PART 1: Any conversation or interaction with a Narcissist is like a ‘hit and run’ accident – you are left in shock, dazed, damaged and trying to figure out what just happened!

 

 From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com

 

Every conversation or interaction you have with them seems to leave you confused and drained. You will be left with the burden of trying to figure out what they have said or basically what the heck just happened. It is like a hit and run accident and you are left in shock trying to gain a foothold of the incident. A basic conversation can go from zero to 100 miles per hour and in a direction that puts you in the path of an unavoidable crash, AND you weren’t able to control the direction you were headed in. You ask yourself how did this all start and what led up to it? You will end up spending hours, or perhaps even days, obsessing over the intent of the message or argument. You exhaust all of your emotional energy to accomplish absolutely nothing AND it was pre-planned to be this way by the Narcissist. There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to it, but there is as far as it concerns the Narcissist that is controlling you.

 

Everything they have absorbed or learned about you is now being utilized in a manner to push certain buttons to keep you controlled and under their thumb. They know how to CHARM you because they know your likes BUT they also know how to HARM you because they also know your weaknesses and insecurities! The connection with them is built around your very persona and how they can and will manipulate it to control you. There is no YOU in any of this and there is never a real person behind the Narcissist. Narcissists like psychopaths are always going to pull you in a direction that makes you feel very small AND defective. This is the rhyme to their reason and again that is control!

 

So what about these ridiculous and crazy arguments, etc. You could have NEVER kept up with the original conversation (or argument) in a realistic manner because it was basically nonsensical in your mind and had no basis of reality. But it served a purpose as far as the Narcissist is concerned to deflect from something or the other, or there was an agenda to it, or to demean and dehumanize you AND again, control, control, CONTROL. BUT, it served its purpose because it confounded or confused you and forced you to process the CRAZY information with no real success – or it deflected you AWAY from the truth as it concerns something or other that the Narcissist may have done. You will have many rebuttals going on in your head AFTER THE FACT because you feel a need to defend yourself or rationalize what happened. Basically you are trying to fix the situation, but was it an argument because you really didn’t do anything but yet you feel like you did something, BUT WHAT IS IT THAT YOU DID??

 

BAM, this is exactly the place a Narcissist wants you to go to – total confusion and insanity. They have drawn from the vast wealth of knowledge they have gained from observing you and use it consistently to maneuver you into a place of confusion and isolation. There are many reasons behind each of these scenarios, but they are basically to manage you down and to control you. However, you will try to resolve this because you feel you need to address what happened and more than likely to defend yourself hoping for resolution but in the end you’ll find that you are the person explaining yourself or apologizing. After a while these crazy arguments will have you stuck in confusion so much so that you have lost all perspective of your relationship, as well as your value in the relationship. You are always explaining yourself or responding to the Narcissist’s crazy making and never participating in a reciprocal or real conversation. You are being emotionally and psychologically abused!

 

What gets you there? The false connection or ‘con bond’ that this Narcissist created in the beginning. The one where you bonded with them and trusted them. More than likely you believe it is a real relationship and you LOVE them – but in any case, your emotions and heart are basically ruling and clouding your mind. The TRUTH – slowly but surely the Narcissist was tempering your emotions and love to disable you completely. This is a person that you explicitly trust AND they care about or love you too (or so you believe,) so you put yourself into a place to always resolve these issues (as normal people do) so that you can continue with this amazing relationship. You believe that they will reciprocate in a healthy manner because they do care/love you, but unfortunately you are blind to the truth so you fall into the trap and it becomes a dysfunctional habit.

 

This confusion will blind you to many other aspects of their abuse and the Narcissist walks all over your heart and imprisons your mind in the process. This is CONTROL and it will get worse over time and be more of a daily emotional beating meant to harm AND disable you completely. The WHY to all of this is because a Narcissist is severely defective and basically loathes people and life so they have to destroy the goodness that exists in us to justify their miserable existence? What kind of human could take another human to this place and WHY?

 

Even accountability as far as it concerns what they may have done to you, be it a huge lie, an affair or whatever will only end up at a dead end too. Whatever they may have done to you was done with intent no matter how it may have hurt you AND they just don’t care and feel justified in their actions. There is no real relationship or love as far as the Narcissist is concerned. They live in a amoral and out of control world and take whatever they can from people with NO CONCERN to the harm they inflict on anybody else. AGAIN WE MUST UNDERSTAND that there is no real relationship with them! We BELIEVE there is BUT we are all just taking our turn as supply and even though we are their PRIMARY source that still doesn’t mean that it is real by any means. They probably have other relationships or supply on the side that we absolutely have no sense of. These are very dysfunctional individuals that grab at any opportunity to serve themselves. Our primary role is to serve them 24/7 as well as accept their psychopathy, their EVERY indiscretion, lies, betrayal, AND to accept the blame because you/we are not serving them COMPLETELY. No/minimal contact to end the chaos and achieve your freedom and start on your road to recovery! Greg  (Part 2 tomorrow)

Posted on August 13, 2016, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. I am well aware of the futility of trying to have a rational conversation with a narcissist. I am divorced from a narcissist and what caused the divorce was physical evidence of an affair that I found. I set out to have a conversation with him about it and got nowhere. He went DARVO on me – Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender Order. First, he angrily and repetitively denied the evidence was evidence of his sexual infidelity although he could not come up with any logical, believable alternative explanation for it, despite offering an array of implausible excuses. He finally admitted that he could not explain the evidence, but that it was not evidence of him having sex with another because he didn’t have sex with another. He could not poke any holes in my logical interpretation of the evidence. Then he went into Attack mode. He had cheated on me but he was raging and I could not even show any anger about being cheated on because of his rage and my quest for the truth. I just wanted him to admit it. In Attack mode, I was called “crazy” for thinking that he could cheat and he also threatened me with violence over it. When he went into Reverse Victim and Offender Order mode, he went into victim mode, saying that he wanted a divorce from me because I was accusing him or something he didn’t do and also at one point stated, “I’m just an old man with cataracts.” He was unable to respond to or answer these questions: “Do you realize that you are making no logical sense?” or “What specifically is wrong with my logic?” or “How do you think it makes you look that you are denying that the evidence is of sexual activity but that you are unable to convince me successfully that it is anything else?” All he could say is that the evidence was not evidence of infidelity because he didn’t cheat. I think admitting the truth for him would be akin to the witch in “The Wizard of Oz” disintegrating when water was thrown on her. I also think he loved cheating on me behind my back with a woman who really turned him on because I was the boring old shoe that he didn’t love and didn’t want to have sex with. He just wanted to use me for my money and he wanted me to support him and enable romantic, sexual relationships with women who weren’t me. He hated it when the boring old shoe caught on and he knew the gig was up and that the boring old shoe would no longer be footing the bill for his affair.

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  2. I lie here in my bed, in the dark, with tears streaming from my eyes as I read and have read each word you wrote very carefully. I can’t deny that the scenarios fit my life to the letter.
    I want to leave my husband because he is this and more, but I’m afraid. I don’t know how I got to this place of lonliness. I have no one. He has turned my grown children to disrespect me. They were all I had. I lost my parents, and he has made me lose my friends throughout the years. So, except for a few coworkers, who are professionals as well know my situation. They all tell me to divorce him and I really want to but I’m afraid that he will make my life more miserable. I have no support system. I do believe that my 4 children were affected by him. But only my daughter can see that he is a narcissist. She was the one who discovered it and opened my eyes. How do I get away? Where do I begin? Does your book provide guidance on how to do this?

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