‘Once upon a Time’ – the Narcissist’s love story or better yet loveless story as it really concerns relationships and people.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
Narcissists loosely ‘pretend’ to love us for as long as we do what they want us to do for them or again serve them. Once that starts dwindling away or they get bored, then the Narcissist starts cashing out on this empty investment that was only reinforced by many lies and false promises. That is when you START to get your answer or your ‘ah ha’ moment that this isn’t real love. It is never an answer in any normal sense of the word where the Narcissist gives you a justifiable reason because there is none to give, you are just fixed into their agenda to meet their needs and they are not going to admit to this OR you wouldn’t be a functional source of supply for very long or even at all. When your time is up and they are bored and ready to move onto new supply, THEN the words come from your Narcissist that are full of blame, accusations, hate, and destruction. They want to bury you under more lies and destroy your integrity so they can back out of their real agenda (to abuse you) and move onto the next person to use and abuse. They do this to avoid exposure. This is how they walk through life! Don’t forget that these creatures devalue people in a manner to psychologically abuse them by managing people down to believe their distorted accusations like you are mentally ill, defective, undeserving, worthless, and anything else to make you feel like you deserve this so you always reach out to them to help fix this distorted love. This dependency is what becomes so damaging to your spirit and integrity and what makes you so vulnerable as well as disables you with disbelief. This is the cycle of this abuse and what takes you on that journey to heal so many things that this Narcissist has destroyed in your life. This is a big ‘ah ha’ moment for everyone that has been with one of these creatures but very disabling when it becomes reality!
This is why letting go can be so hard for the target/victim because there are REAL emotions from REAL love that is strongly attached or mixed in with the psychological abuse and it confounds the recovery process just as it did throughout the entire distorted relationship. It becomes very confusing because even though it was all based on lies and a huge façade somehow you still love them and STILL want to sort through all of the deception to make it right with YOUR concept of that real love. This is the abuse born out of the extreme manipulation that the Narcissist created to keep you there. The loving connection you feel or felt was in place FIRST and is now lost in the behavior and circumstances of the real abuse or the devaluation and discard phases that appear LATER because of the strong manipulation and brain-washing! That may seem ridiculous to people that have never been conned into a relationship as seamlessly as a Narcissist does to their targets/victims, but they have not experienced what can be best described as psychological rape. You bonded with your trust and love to an abusive creature that doesn’t think twice about harming you, nor do they care if they hurt or destroy you as long as they get what they want.
Being on the receiving end of Narcissistic love can, will, and does make us feel like we need to try harder because of the extreme manipulation they use to keep us hanging on and we spend vast amounts of time and energy trying to fix this relationship. We were given a vision in the beginning that this was real love and we became emotionally bonded to this vision BECAUSE that was part of the big game. Unfortunately, no matter how hard we try, we can’t really get through to or connect to the other person (our Narcissist) BUT we believe that somehow it is up to us to fix the relationship because that is what the Narcissist uses as control and power over us to keep believing and hanging on while they extort our entire life away from us. This Narcissist lacks any and all emotions, empathy, and love for anything other than itself. So what is left for us to interpret? Superficial connections and objectification which are not functional by any means, but meant to make us believe that there is something real for us there. A Narcissist can’t connect to themselves yet alone to anyone else so everything they do is superficial (fake) as it concerns bonding or a real relationship with people. They are amazingly adept at this game because it is part of their survival.
While you keep trying to hang on to this relationship you are only burying yourself deeper and deeper in the darkness and the void that defines a Narcissist. It is this daily struggle that is so unfulfilling and damaging, as well as makes you feel so unhappy, confused, and worthless. Beyond that there is going to be a huge eye opener with the full devaluation this creature is going to throw at you when your time is up with them. It is virtually impossible to love a Narcissist normally because you are only plugging yourself into their game of abuse as their PRESENT source of supply. They are literally using up every bit of your energy and your life and reaping all the benefits that ONLY serve them. You can’t love a Narcissist because they are invisible and all you are seeing is a projected image to fool you and that would be like hugging air AND trying to love it as well.
A Narcissist can’t even see their real self, that is why they create all of these images/facades because they are completely empty and this is what they do to avoid seeing that dark reflection of themselves in a mirror. They avoid it so totally that they will defend their false image and destroy you for making them accountable for what they really are. There is such a mystery to them and that in itself becomes an addiction because we thought we saw a flicker of a real person and real love, but no there was none and we keep searching for it! BUT that idea that ‘if we just try hard enough, we will find a way to create that authentic connection’ or revive it. Unfortunately, it only kept us tied up in a relationship that really only revolved around our functionality, but it always seemed to hold the unspoken promise of one day becoming a real connection of unconditional love with us. The message that was always there was that we had to keep changing to meet this monsters needs and unfortunately we listened to this and made it our goal. It was only a diversion to control us and that is the vicious circle we get so caught up in and end up losing ourselves completely. Trying harder is not going to unlock the magic door to their unavailable and dead soul because you are dealing with a needy void and not a person. The unfortunate consequence to this is that you will have to grieve this empty love just as if it were real. Unfortunately, there is the psychological damage that destroyed your integrity (and trust of people) that is also attached and it requires many, many steps to actualize the entirety of this BUT we must take this journey forward to recovery or remain a casualty forever and that is not an option!
When it comes to understanding this love with a Narcissist, all we really had was a dream and a reflected image from this Narcissist of what we thought was love as well as based on what we grew up believing was love. We have seen this love all around us and even experienced it and felt it before. This love was very strong and amazing in our mind and we superimposed that image right onto this Narcissist like he/she conned us into doing so and they reacted to it like it was the real thing! Every little thing that they did to reinforce it ALSO enforced that ‘distorted truth’ we kept hanging onto as if it was real and part of that big dream we wanted or the love we believed in. This always kept us at that safe distance and blinded us from what was really happening and also kept us away from or justifying all of the lies, betrayal, manipulation, and hate that was really right there in front of us. It is almost like they hypnotized us into this desperate love.
Believing in them kept the painful reality at bay. At some point we must see the truth and accept it as well as the fact that it is impossible to love or be loved by the Narcissist. The real picture will unfortunately reveal itself and you will hear things that will make you feel sick to your stomach. You will question yourself in so many ways and beat yourself up over all of it. Why didn’t you see this coming, why did you keep trying and hanging on to this monster? You will feel defective and worthless and maybe even deserving of all of this! It is not answerable in any one given manner as far as applying the fault to yourself. Let it go because that doesn’t help you achieve clarity, nor opens a door to recover from this toxic relationship. It only sends you deeper into this abuse by blaming yourself! You must accept the real truth to move forward and stop the defective images of the manipulation that reside in your heart and mind. Narcissists PLAY big time games and they are completely unavailable to ANYONE in this world. The person you were before this was conned and the person you are now is still being conned and you MUST get away completely to achieve clarity and move on. In reality we all know it takes two to have a healthy relationship, and there were two in this relationship and one person was real but unfortunately the other one pretended to be real because they had an agenda to make this SEEM real so they could use you and they were seamless with the game.
So despite everything you truly and deeply loved this person, or a Narcissist! Somewhere deep down inside of you there are feelings that have been buried and have only shown up as feelings of frustration because of how hard you tried. Let these feelings surface. Society has sort of taught through imposed beliefs how we are supposed to feel as well as what we are not supposed to feel, but this is very different and deserves respect and patience because it is abuse! We are told we MUST NOT be victims. Unfortunately, we are victims but we never wanted this or to become one. It is a reality that must be processed to heal and that is understanding it all. I hate the word victim but I understand my reality and I am not going to write it off in favor of being stigmatized by a word. I lived through something called abuse from a monster that blamed me, isolated me from life, and disabled me – so I am not going to acknowledge a frame of reference that disallows my recovery because of a label someone created that now tells me I am even MORE wrong and must not speak out. Victim’s become survivors by actualizing the truth! We all know how damaging it can be if we stay in this victim role, but that is our FIRST cry for help because we need support, education, love and a hand to pull us back up. I have heard from too many people that buried so much of this and it resurfaces and locks them up in many years of mistrust and isolation because they were told to move on. Educate yourself, get healthy again and then work on ‘you!’ YES, you must move on and away from everything Narcissist once you get it and stop talking abuse or Narcissist. It is a personal process and different for everyone!
So ask yourself this now. Have allowed yourself to feel any anger towards them. Due to those beliefs we are always supposed to take the higher road. BUT you are dealing with a Narcissist or a very disordered person that intentionally inflicted so much destruction on you through horrendous lies, betrayal, manipulation and they abused you terribly. Get angry and get mad because it can be liberating because you are acknowledging the TRUTH. This can be very liberating when you embrace the truth and a great relief to realize that there is nothing wrong with you or your mental abilities. You didn’t know that this was a predator and a horrible person to have in your life. You didn’t have all of the tools to understand the relative danger of your reality with this Narcissist so don’t deceive yourself into thinking that there was a solution right there in front of you. You get it today and you are away from them so it happened and you are free from this monster and the abuse – THEN put the anger away. Count those blessings first to give yourself some levity to keep moving forward! Get healthy and use that as an opportunity to understand that there is evil out there and close every door that would enable this to happen to you again! Dig down deeply and acknowledge ALL of the distorted messages as well as the psychological abuse or it will only surface later. AGAIN there is no magical cure or guru that can take you to recovery except for yourself. Your beliefs about life have been distorted and even shattered and has created a negative and fearful view of the world and you must purge that out of you or be disabled for life. The process is long and you CAN’T skip any part of it. You must separate completely from diagnosing the Narcissist or reliving the past trying to understand it any more than what you do today. It was abuse imposed on you by a Malignant Narcissist. Educate yourself about this creature until you get it, then work on healing YOU!
Your heart is unconditional and you are full of goodness and empathy, but protect that now that you have started to close that door to this Narcissist because they will always welcome you back for more abuse! If you have ever tried to really help a Narcissist as most of us have you know that if you get too close to the truth of what they are, it will blow up in your face and cause you horrendous damage. The Narcissist doesn’t want to be fixed or have their issues solved. They want to escape with absolutely NO accountability to the truth as it concerns them, they will ALWAYS blame others for their problems and the way they ABUSE people. No matter what you say or do, the Narcissist will shift all of the blame back onto you! Attempting to reason or demanding accountability would be like throwing acid in their face and they will find every reason to divert from divulging the truth. It is a tactic on their part that they have used all of their life. Blaming others keeps the Narcissist at arm’s length from their true darkness as well as their many issues. They have spent their entire life living under this shield of protection and you or nobody else can make them see the truth. They will strike out at you in such a manner that will hurt you more than you already are and destroy your integrity to others in the process.
Narcissists don’t want unconditional love or any love for that matter OR a relationship so stop wasting any of your thoughts or time on them. Unconditional love requires openness and honesty, vulnerability, facing one’s fears, feeling emotions and being open to change in favor of making love grow. In the Narcissist’s mind, these are all negative and poisonous to them because they are not even remotely wired in this manner to reciprocate as a loving relationship requires. They are here with you and ONLY as a recipient and you are the object that supplies them with what they can’t get because they are too defective to be anything but the abuser you know and now understand. So, when it comes to helping Narcissists, every time it seems you are getting somewhere, you are only trying to penetrate an impenetrable wall. Face it, they want to leave you behind because they were never available for real love in the first place. The only thing to do is to let them be and move on and forget that they once existed. If you can’t seem to move on, ask yourself what you are hoping to achieve or receive back as far as reciprocity? What do you still want from them, LOVE? THEN ask yourself if you have ever received REAL love from them in the past? The answer is no because it doesn’t exist in their malignant world because their personality is disordered and beyond repair!
Reasoning with a Narcissist is a lesson in futility. They are liars through and through and have perfected the game of diverting from reality. Any person that can act out in the manner that a Narcissist does or intentionally extort/harm people like these creatures do can’t have access to rational reasoning, empathy, love, or reality. If they are breathing they are lying AND abusing. Lying even in a dysfunctional personality disorder like Narcissism has a cognitive basis (ability to reason) to it, so they know what they are doing after all the trap their prey and that requires a plan and agenda. This is why they are out there with a new and newer target/victim. They are masterful at deception to get what they want. My Narcissist would have the world believing that I am mentally ill and scorned and THAT is what motivates me to write as I do so. Even with the clarity and resonance of my words as well as the amazing similarity to ALL of the circumstances of this disorder, and mounds of written proof, and the collaborated stories from family, friends and co-workers that describe my ‘ex’ as a textbook Narcissist – I AM STILL BLAMED. Let them think what they think because you won’t change that because they are protecting themselves from exposure. My Narcissist destroyed a family before it was my turn to be a target. Nobody is exempt from their destructive smear campaign when they are on the run. In the end you realize that only fools believe this Narcissist and the smear campaign and in reality their (Narcissist’s) world is very small. Please no/minimal contact! Greg