You ARE literally hanging on by a thread! YOU are all that is important now. We must acknowledge the truth and move on and away from this Narcissist. Let KARMA do the rest!

 

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com

 

It is very hard to accept that you must TOTALLY separate yourself from this toxic and poisonous person you have loved. You must prefix the relationship and experience with the concept that you were a target/victim of a Narcissist and abuse. Those two words were never really a part of your everyday vocabulary prior to this toxic relationship AND you have probably just realized that this may be your reality. Prior to this you believed that this was all about love and that was a very strong MESSAGE that was ingrained into your reality by this person (the Narcissist). This is what you believed and probably will for some time yet. Yes, the bad/horrendous times have brought you here today to the realization that this relationship has gone so terribly wrong – BUT the concept that you love this person still remains in the forefront even with all of the abusive behavior you have experienced because you are so confused.

 

That love JUST DOESN’T go away the minute you realize the REAL truth that this was abuse. It confuses you and puts you in and out of denial that this is abuse and still holds you captive AND for far too long. Along with this love you have distorted and debilitating messages from this toxic relationship that have you frozen in fear, anxiety, depression, hopelessness, extreme loss, and vulnerable. How can you come to terms and understand this and come to the reality that this person you were with is severely disordered and has harmed so much of you and your life AND move on?  There will be no conventional closure to this, just a journey that will tug and pull at your heart and mind in so many debilitating ways. But you will have to take this journey with all of the stumbling, falls, setbacks and pain to recover. It is a must for you to return to a normal life because your love and life was not meant to be used/abused by this predator. NOR, should you have to pay a debt for the rest of your life and suffer with the ambient abuse that keeps you silent, in fear, and locked up in this emotional upheaval.

 

To start on this journey, you must examine the thoughts, actions, and deeds that also relate to this love experience that has gone so wrong and actualize the real truth about this relationship. This was a horrendous experience and very disabling. There is nothing that can change the past but there is something that can change the future and that is you and your ability to get past this. You more than likely feel that you can’t be without this person you LOVE, and you will never find another person who you can love as strongly AND completely. But the person you love/loved is a Narcissist that abused you. They have intentionally created this scenario to keep you chained to the abuse to only USE you and extort what they could from your life and make you feel like YOU are the bad person, worthless and THEIR abuser!  But yet you feel confused, so disoriented, full of anxiety, depressed, betrayed and you are still trying to hold on to your relationship and make it work at any cost and stop the madness and the pain. Even with all of these truths why are you still hanging on and believing. What has you frozen and unable to move forward now that you have the knowledge of how destructive this has been to you? Unfortunately, this ‘hold’ is consuming your whole spirit and debilitating to you! If you were able to allow yourself the necessary space and clarity you would understand this so much more clearly than where you are now with all of these confusing thoughts. You must run, walk, or crawl forward to get to this clarity to break the chain of this abuse with no/minimal contact. Then with time away from this Narcissist along with some knowledge and education you will start on your path to recovery because it will provide you with the clarity to see that this was situational and THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

 

To start with please understand that your “love” towards this Narcissist is/was just an illusion, a mental trap that you fell into, and your heart and mind believe it is/was real! In reality the memories, dreams, and those precious things you imagine you shared with your Narcissist do not exist AT ALL – they were a mirage created personally for YOU by this con artist to get into your heart AND more importantly into your head. This Narcissist was/is stringing you along to keep their agenda alive and only using you as their PRESENT source of supply. When they are done with you they will just move on and leave you disabled and nearly destroyed as well as the fact that they have probably had many other relationships going on WHILE they were pretending to be with you. Even the family that you may have created with this Narcissist is subject to abuse and are disposable to this creature. These are horrendous and terrifying thoughts but this Narcissist doesn’t care one iota about you or anything now that they are done with you and have taken everything, even your spirit. So ask yourself how many times you have TRIED to work this out and got nowhere so maybe now you can tell yourself it is done and time to move in another direction and away from the Narcissist and the abuse. It is the only direction you can take so that you can heal.

 

All of this will take you a while to wrap your head around because it is just so out of your context as a person with empathy and love. But ABUSE is/was your reality in this toxic dance that the Narcissist created to trap you into their needy and abusive world and as their supply. Their manipulation and brain-washing kept you connected by managing you down and then reeling you right back in to keep you dancing in a dizzying circle until they found better supply and then moved on. This is ALWAYS the pattern!  BUT you believed in this illusion with so much depth and now you have to accept the reality that you have a major role in recovering from this and dispelling what you believed as far as them being anything real in your life. It is unfortunate that this is what you are left with but your recovery depends upon you taking an active role in breaking this disordered connection and bond to move on and away from the insanity. This message is so important, but you must never accept that this message says that you are WRONG, DESERVING, or a DEFECTIVE person that allowed this to happen to you because you wanted this. That is absurd and will result in you staying in this dance by yourself forever and believing that you could have done something to fix this or relate to this Narcissist’s disordered abuse to make this right! That Narcissist was never there for you EVER and will never be there for you in any capacity but to harm and abuse you more! These confusing messages are directly related to the manipulation you experienced from this Narcissist and they are the messages you NEED to turn off – both the positive and negative messages that have you chasing your tail in circles. In time reality is going to bring you a totally new picture of just how terribly disordered this Narcissist is and it will more than likely be appalling and repulsive to you. Please practice patience and self-compassion with yourself and realize that each new day is one day nearer to recovery and total freedom from them. Don’t measure your progress by the pain you feel but by the strength that you have shown to get through another day. YES, you are stronger than you know because you survived this abuse and that Narcissist ran off because they knew you were too strong for their lies and agenda!

 

 You are may be afraid to lose the love of your Narcissistic spouse, partner, friend or family member, because nobody wants to lose someone they love. This is the reason that totally connects you to that pain you are feeling. But when you realize that you never had that love in the first place and actualize how this has negatively impacted your life, it will open up a huge door of reality and make it somewhat easier for you to let go of the emotional relationship you had with a Narcissist and heal yourself. It may not feel like it but the pain AND anger is part of the process of letting go by lifting yourself up and empowering yourself with the TRUTH. The actual abuse is a different aspect of healing because it was psychological in nature and purposely imposed on you through this fake love to get you to dance with this Narcissist. It has planted so many negative messages into your mind that defines you as the source of the problem as well as worthless and defective – just part of the cycle of this abuse! Many times we still connect the two (fake love and the abuse) in a manner that makes it so difficult to actualize these two things without blaming ourselves and thinking our love was defective. Just remember they are abusers and the defective ones and their cycle of abusing you had nothing to do with you personally. Keep those two thoughts in perspective and separated so that the love doesn’t distort the real truth again and pull you back in. They are abusers and this was ABUSE! No/minimal contact to get you back to the amazing person you are! Greg   

Posted on August 10, 2016, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. Dear Greg, I was a victim of narcissist abuse. He physically hurt me and emotionally abused me. I had three nervous breakdowns that cost me almost to be hospitalized. He would break up with me all the time and come back whenever he pleased. The hell you are put trough leaves you completely paralyzed and you are not able to explain how much you are suffering.. Greg, your writings are my voice and the voice of all the victims of this horrendous ordeal. Thank you for helping , thank you for taking the time to do this mission . You are in my prayers. God protect you and bless you for your knowledge. I only wish I would have known earlier.. I lead involved with him for almost ten years.

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  2. Quick question…if you have used up all usefulness for a Narc why do they try and get you back? This is the one thing I do not understand. I first left the Narc after a year and a half. I returned after 3 months because I became homeless. I am leaving again and in November it will by the 3 year mark. and I am going to a safe place, loving place that he has no idea of. I have covered my path very well. Changed everything about me, even my hair color. He is am 55 year old physical mess. Not looking too pretty either. He has HIV, had his gut blow out with major surgery from anal sex with men, pedophile, alcoholic and drug addict. I am sure he is swimming in the cesspool of people who play with him. I know this. Why when he is chanting at me that he wants me gone, do I know in the same breath the minute I leave he will try to find me and get me back?

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  3. Bravenarcsurvivor

    Keep these coming Greg. I wait for my email every day to help. I accept it for what it was. I no longer want him near me. I actually don’t even know him. I can see so clearly now 11 months out that I was a victim, I was only in relationship if that’s what u call it for way less than 4 months. He told me I was clever and now I know why. I was onto him and kept confronting him. I threatened confrontation outside his home when I found out he had a family. He text me to say stop this now…this is scary stuff. My question is was he really scared? It does not really matter now but I told him who he is and to keep well away from me. He has tried a couple of times and I have ignored. I actually believe he was scared as his cover was about to be blown. I know he continues with this groundhog day pattern upsetting other women. I have a heart and do feel for his partner and child but there is nothing I can do. It took me a while to accept that. The thing is I saved myself and my life is actually better now as this experience has made me realise that I am worthy of living and for the first time on my life I love myself completely. Thank you Greg. Look after yourself.

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  4. This is the best advice I’ve read so far, & believe me I have read up lots on this topic … first to understand it & then to heal from it & now trying to move on. Growing up with a narcissistic father I find myself a narcissistic target. Thank you so much for such helpful advice. I have tried to limit my contact with my father but always end up caving in. Our most recent encounter made me realise how dangerous he is & this article has helped me cope with being totally cut off by my father.
    Thank you ☺

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