The hard TRUTH – we never mattered to the Narcissist!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
One of the MOST DIFFICULT concepts with this abuse is the realization that you didn’t matter in the least bit to your Narcissist! There is only one person that really matters to the Narcissist and that is himself or herself! You were only one of the many stepping stones in their life to extort supply and take whatever you had that they wanted or needed. A good friend of mine said that each of us are like pieces of gravel that pave the Narcissist’s road in life that enable them to get what they want AND where they want to be. They objectify all human beings and basically harvest what they can from them. You never mattered when they were with you, it was totally about their needs. Within this concept comes the many tools in their arsenal of abuse that they used to keep you under their control so they could achieve supply (basically all of their lies that flowed so easily, their lack of accountability, the betrayal, manipulation, etc.) They are predators that seek out prey pure and simple.
Even though we were supposedly in a committed relationship with them (be it a loving relationship, family member, friend, etc.,) we were only like their favorite ‘service station’ (gas station) that they were a regular at when their tank was low. We were just that pump that they would pull up to and we would faithfully fill up their tank and then they would be off and onto many other secret travels without us ever suspecting anything. Believe me that they were stopping at many other ‘service stations’ because their tank was always needing ‘filled’ just like a bottomless pit – but we were their “old faithful” and reliable. Sounds like a simplistic definition without filling in the blanks about the pathological lies, manipulating us into believing we were in a monogamous and loving relationship, the extortion (they never paid for that gas or anything else) and every other tool in their arsenal to hide the truth of their disordered lifestyle. Our only role was as a source of supply to fill all of their primary needs!
We believed and went along with this because we really had NO sense of the reality of the basic truth that they were never there for us exclusively because they conned us into believing they were. Basically Narcissists are pathological TAKERS. Our life lessons never included learning that loving another person should come along with a ‘WARNING’ that there are dark people (abusers/predators) out there looking for someone to drag into a trap by wearing love as a camouflage to gain our trust and then extort our emotions and everything that encompasses our reality to the point of traumatization and destruction.
The truth is a Narcissist could easily be defined as being thief. Trust me they are much more than JUST a thief but it encapsulates the truth behind their actions and agendas. They extort things from people just like a con artist does. They portray or pretend to be something they are not even remotely like, and then cash in on their manipulative agenda to TAKE everything they can and abuse you as well. My point is that a thief will break into your home and steal everything they can and they are off and running, and you are left with the loss and devastation of their invasion. A Narcissist would go a step further and burn your house down while you were still in it to make sure there is absolutely NO evidence that would link them to it. Everything with a Narcissists is a conscious act!
Take a moment and look at yourself after your abuse and then compare that to when you started out on this hideous journey with them. If you would seriously take inventory you would see so many levels of loss, to the point that this Narcissist has basically disabled you emotionally and PSYCHOLOGICALLY. Write everything down in a journal and make the comparison. Whatever you attempted to do in a positive manner because you believed in them was snatched up by the Narcissist and then they beat you down and made what you did wrong AND you only tried harder because there was no sense in their actions but somehow you believed that you did something wrong that needed fixed. This became a deceptive and debilitating dance with them, part of their plan to manage you down more and more to keep taking what they could and harm you more in the process. These are not just jerks or users, these are destructive individuals that enjoy the chaos and harm they deliver as they extort your life away from you. That Narcissist (just like the thief) has pillaged and taken everything they could, or all you had to give and then basically abandoned you for more and better supply! They conned you into believing they LOVED you to get you under their spell to do all of this! A victim is not SCORNED, obsessed, or just needs to move on – they are traumatized and abused and in need of specialized help to recover.
You can’t engage in any conversation with them that has the truth (about them) as the basis concerning their accountability in any given situation. A Narcissist doesn’t have a conscience or anything even near to it, so you can’t expect to have any sense of normality surrounding ANY conversation with them, yet alone the possibility you could make them understand the very truth about any of their disordered actions and lies. There is NO sense of remorse or any guilt associated with any of their actions and THERE NEVER HAS BEEN! So what I can say is that you can’t enter into any arena that involves TRYING to get them to accept accountability because they turn it right around, ‘lie and deny,’ ‘blame and shame,’ and then return with a horrible rage and revenge directed at YOUR integrity. This became a day to day occurrence with me, I couldn’t even breathe right without some sort of rage that was so out-of-control that it became scary. So a good reminder to anyone dealing with a Narcissist is that there is NO possible way that you can make them understand or accept responsibility concerning their dehumanization of people – especially when it concerns you.
Unfortunately, as I have said many times before, hindsight is 20/20. When you are still in the fog about all of the deceit you are at a loss because you can’t see or understand the overall picture of this abuse and just how damaging they are until AFTER they have moved on. Heck immediately after the discard you are still under so many levels of this abuse that it is amazing that you can see the light of day, yet alone realize what you need to do to get away from them without all of the damage they cause. But what I can say is that ‘no contact’ will save you from MORE grief and help you get to more clarity as it concerns your situation so you can move forward to recovery!
Yes, it was all one big lie and the person you cared about, and more than likely loved never existed within the realm of what you believed was a real relationship! Furthermore, the declarations of love were a tactic (love bombing) and just part of their disordered manipulation to gain control of you and your emotions. It is very, very hard to internalize that the love you believed in was just a lie! Their whole life is a lie and every person that has ever had any sort of relationship with them succumbs to this. They will wear a different disguise to lure in a new target/victim solely and dependent on the particular person or the situation AND what they want. It is a cycle that they use to abuse every new target into their agenda. So what is the most difficult part of getting started on your journey to recover? Letting go of those images, the ones that have accumulated in your heart and mind that made you BELIEVE that this was real from all those years you were with this Narcissist! There is/was no relationship nor was there any love reciprocated from this Narcissist. Keep this in mind every day on your journey to reach complete recovery. All of that was a trap set just for you AND to gain your trust and open you up to this Narcissist’s abuse. Remember you believed in this person for a very long time so recovery is not going to happen overnight and it is going to be emotionally painful. You will probably doubt yourself many times over and try to go back and fix this, but don’t because you can’t fix a personality disordered Narcissist.
Because Narcissists do not come with a label that exposes what they are and their agenda, you are more than likely just coming to terms with all of this recently. Our emotions are powerful and even though we have been abused we have to reconcile our very own emotions to fall out of love with them. This is where the educational aspect of learning about this personality disorder is imperative to moving forward. Closure comes from learning the truth through educating yourself about this disorder
Narcissists definitely operate out of their fear of being exposed ESPECIALLY the truth about their perverse and disordered lifestyle. Unfortunately, they NEED us to extract supply, but they can’t keep up their façade forever because they get bored easily and are out-of-control so they jump from relationship to relationship and abuse another person, their family, and that person’s whole life. It is the cycle of their abuse and their lifestyle that destroys ALL of their relationships. Narcissists don’t look at themselves in any manner that reflects the reality of just how sick they are UNLESS they are forced to do so by being exposed and THEY AVOID THAT LIKE THE PLAGUE. They can’t face themselves because what it would reveal would cause them to implode and that is their greatest fear – the very truth of what they are. At least I can say I was definitely a force to be reconciled with as it concerned my Narcissist but I had to endure a horrendous smear campaign that this Narcissist still holds onto with their life. Today I can write with the clarity of my experience and the TRUTH I was afforded by going no contact and seeing that truth reveal itself.
You have to remove yourself from this emotional and destructive dance with them. But most importantly you must remember that this Narcissist needs to cover his/her tracks by smearing you and ultimately trying to destroy you. This smear campaign has started months before the Narcissist has physically left, but you have to put it aside for the time being. You have been emotionally and physically replaced and this Narcissist must keep his/her past hidden and separated from their new supply so the battle is on. But again you must get away from this creature physically so that clarity starts to enter back into your life. Don’t accept the seemingly nice attempts from the Narcissist to talk. Their genuine and sweet overtures are there for one reason only and that is to gain whatever information they can from you to use against you and smear you even more. They need to keep their enemies close. You can’t engage in their chaos, get into their head or expect to somehow win this battle. If you have to engage in any sort of contact with them because of biological children, divorce, business, etc., keep everything as low key as possible and only as it concerns the business at hand. Remember they are pathological liars and if they are breathing they are lying – SO BELIEVE NOTHING THAT THEY TELL YOU EVER AGAIN! Journal, journal and journal more especially as it concerns the welfare of biological children. Have witnesses with you if you have to meet to drop off your kids, etc. Otherwise if you don’t have ANY reason to connect with your Narcissist follow the ‘no contact’ rule! Greg