N0/Minimal Contact – A little field guide to help you through the insidious process and BREAK FREE from their PRISON of ABUSE!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
A Narcissist wants you to react to their hurtful behaviors, so they can feel righteous, indignant, powerful, in control – AND they will even mimic a ‘make believe’ hurt and justification when they need to blame or dump their shame onto us – just all part of their delusion and ABUSE. If you don’t react, that upsets them, too AND they lose their POWER over you. Remember, ultimately, there is no winning with them AT ALL while you stay engaged with them in a relationship OF ANY SORT. You CAN win by NOT giving a Narcissist the reaction he/she wants, disengaging, and if you can do it (AND YOU SHOULD) ending the relationship so you can recover your soul, self-esteem, worth and life. Maintaining any level of hyper-vigilance and behavioral maintenance or trying to fix them or the situation, helping them in some way, etc., is just too emotionally, physically and psychologically exhausting and DESTRUCTIVE with a Narcissist or basically impossible. So here are some thoughts on how to disengage, move on, recover, be free, enjoy your life, and be able to move forward and join reality once more.
So let’s start by using one of the Narcissist’s tools – and that is DEVALUING. It is our turn to devalue the Narcissist and hold them accountable for EVERYTHING they have done – and our devaluation isn’t done in a manner to abuse as a Narcissist does to their targets/victims – it is exposing the truth about what they did and what they are. Accountability has to go back to DAY ONE – and what a great deal to accomplish since their abuse spans the entire relationship from the first day they sized us up for abuse – but it is the truth and the reality WE MUST ACCEPT. A little caution by holding them accountable you may get some major strikes from the Narcissist with raging, yelling, hideous insults, accusations, etc., things you are probably already familiar with! The Narcissist won’t admit you are right, nor accept responsibility for their abusive behaviors, lies, and distortions. You also won’t get the validation, vindication, or closure you long for, BUT it puts the truth foremost and that truth will build a great wall that will stand between you and the Narcissist. That wall empowers you and protects you from the Narcissist trying to pull you back into more abuse. The truth WILL light your way to recovery and freedom!
Don’t start a huge argument with them ever – like an all-out yelling match. Don’t get in the Narcissist’s face the way he/she gets or got in yours. IF and when you find yourself engaged in one of their atrocious or chaotic arguments – calmly and clearly bring it all back to the real facts and turn it back onto them AND leave it there. Commit to simple and realistic phrases like these and even memorize them – “That’s not true.” “I won’t admit that’s true no matter how angry you get.” “That’s not how I remember it, THIS is what really happened.” The Narcissist will probably continue to talk or shout over you, change their story as they continue yapping their psychopathy at you AND in your face. The Narcissist will deny things ever happened and/or call you a liar, but that still doesn’t change the facts of their behaviors and events. By changing your thoughts and approach you are in command of your reality and those chaotic emotions they try to stir up. The TRUTH is like putting a mirror in front of a vampire and revealing that THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REFLECTION OF A REAL IMAGE. That is what happens when the truth is exposed – we realize that their image was fake, a big lie, and all part of a plan to extort and harm us with their well-rehearsed cycle of abuse. DISENGAGE and set yourself free – you are not a prisoner!
If you can’t achieve no-contact, because of children or whatever reason prevents you from getting there, remember this – CHOOSE your battles very wisely. You can’t respond to everything the Narcissist says, does or demands. You just can’t because that is and always has been part of their game plan – and now you get it finally, so disengage from it – PLUS there aren’t enough hours in the day to listen to the Narcissist’s crazy making and chaos. Figure out your bottom line as it concerns necessary contact with them. Make some concessions on small issues to allow the Narcissist to feel like their “winning” and stick to your guns on the big and real issues that have an effect on your normality. This will help to preserve your sanity. Embrace – better yet grasp onto your OWN reality and hold onto it for dear life and DON’T LET GO because that Narcissist is trying to drag you back into their darkness, control you and abuse you.
Contain any and all emotions. Whatever you do, DON’T ask a Narcissist to explain their feelings because they HAVE NONE – all you do with any question is give them direction on how to manipulate the situation AND you will only get more lies, diversions, more betrayal and whatever else they can pull out of their bag of tricks to reel you back into abuse. DON’T express your emotions EVER, because it will become another trap. If you tell that shrewd Narcissist what you’re thinking and feeling, it will be held and used against you now and in the future. Remember they will want to accuse you of many negative things to gain control of your emotions especially when they start realizing you mean business and are moving on – don’t give them any more fuel to devalue you OR use against you OR for their “smear campaign.”
Narcissists can’t handle their own intense emotions that is why they are buried deep inside of them and basically destroyed – all that is there is one big void – so they do not want to deal with the emotions of others nor do they even understand them. That’s why they are human PROJECTION machines – or this phrase that I have heard used by other writers – Narcissist’s react with a vile assault of “emotional projectile vomiting.” It is all of those familiar feelings like anxiety, fear, self-doubt, worthlessness, self-loathing, anger, etc. – that we have all experienced and been conditioned into accepting many times. You become the receptacle for their emotional projectile vomiting with one of their rages that is aimed directly at your spirt and self-esteem. After they deposit the contents of their highly disturbed psyche onto you (that is the clinical projection thing) then they feel better because you are now carrying THEIR toxicity for them.
So when the Narcissist starts projecting, again, don’t ever discuss their feelings—because that’s a bottomless pit—and don’t tell the Narcissist how bad he/she is making you feel because like a shark smelling blood from their prey, it will then compel the shark AND THE NARCISSIST to attack you again (that’s in addition to their initial attack). Keep everything as generic as possible.
The long and short of it is that you must DETACH FROM THE OUTCOME. You can’t control the Narcissist nor can you make them change. All you can do is make choices for yourself, decide how much you can tolerate, set boundaries, and decide when enough is enough and end the relationship. You cannot be their emotional prisoner because it is NOT a viable or workable situation. Any connection with them is smothering, manipulative, controlling, disabling, dehumanizing, traumatizing, and destructive. So LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS or completely shut them off with your Narcissist. Expecting anything real or positive from a Narcissist will only lead you to feel worthless, blamed, shamed, broadsided, perpetually disappointed, and hurt. Run away and never look back if you can.
For all their FAKE crocodile tears and hyper-sensitivity ALWAYS remember that Narcissists are emotional predators and bullies so what you are seeing is just more of those FAKE responses to elicit a response from you and divert from reality ONCE AGAIN. If you stay in a relationship with a Narcissist the best you can expect is more of the same. You may achieve some periods of peace, but at what cost – total denial of the truth and more ABUSE. There is nothing there for you, not even a real person.
What will become powerful and long-lasting is the desire and implementation of no/minimal contact and your total emotional FREEDOM as well as your sanity from an abusive Narcissist. There is such a repulsion and indignity you will feel because now you know the truth of someone abusing you in a manner to make you believe that they are/were acting out of love and a commitment to you and possibly even a family you created together. It is grotesque to say the least to KNOW their con and big lie. Finally, you are beginning to see the soulless and predatory creature that would damage your life or anybody’s life (even their own biological children) in an effort to fulfill all of their needs in the perverse and out-of-control manner that they live. If you remain resolved and steadfast in your “no/minimal contact” the temptation to listen and believe the Narcissist definitely lessens and diminishes in time. THEN, in its place grows a new way of processing the abuse and your past with the Narcissist that will no longer allow this disordered person to dictate the terms of your inner and outer life. Now you have a real choice in a way you never had when your mind and emotions were held HOSTAGE while being expertly and methodically psychologically terrorized – or ABUSED if you will. No/minimal contact to find your way back to life. Greg