The make believe world of the Narcissist and love!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
Trying to understand a Narcissist from the perspective of the normal and unconditional love we so naturally gave to them will only result in an endless, confusing, and agonizing journey that will keep you locked up in distorted thoughts and messages because there was never conventional or real love in this relationship. We can’t define, relate, or process what we have experienced in this relationship we had with a Narcissist through what we know and understand as NORMAL or REAL human love as WE understand it. It is as different as apples and grasshoppers. The Narcissist’s love was dark, distorted and mimicked everything we desired to only con or seduce us into an agenda that included their subjugation of us. It was a love instigated to gain our trust and use us to meet their needs. Unfortunately we try to understand and relate to the abuse through our normal vision of what we know as far as love and it would be akin to relating cancer to a common cold. Our real emotions filter and then divert our reality and we have to come to terms with this and accept that this was not any type of real love that had any human emotion attached to it. We could have never known this nor can we ever understand it even after we have experienced this distorted love BUT we have to accept that this is a personality disordered person!
We were seriously conditioned and managed down in a manner that distorted our reality and sensibility about this relationship and tricked by a creature that knows love is an amazing and a powerful tool to exploit and use to gain our trust and then control us. Give it some deep thought as it concerns your relationship. You were never really allowed to express any individuality concerning your personal needs or this amazing love you felt, so what can this be described as but a one-sided AND distorted and desperate love. You were ‘trained’ to always have to explain yourself as if you had to defend everything you did! You were attacked for things that you NEVER did and were always defending or explaining yourself. You were probably accused of having affairs, or any number of things! It wasn’t a matter of ‘what we did’ that was questionable or caused this Narcissist to have legitimate concerns or some sort of grief. No it was just a manipulative ploy from a sadistic person (Narcissist) to keep us off balance and questioning ourselves so we ended up living in confusion and silence and always trying to do better as if we weren’t good enough.
It is a subtle process, but it is effective in breaking down a person’s spirit and causing great psychological damage because THOSE emotions are involved in the equation. It could be a simple statement from the Narcissist concerning something very nice that you did for them that always had a negative or derogatory handle attached to it or an argument that came out of nowhere to destroy an otherwise great day. It is controlling in a manner to make you feel that whatever act of goodness you offered just wasn’t good enough. After years of this type of abuse your self-esteem is slowly shattered and your sole process with this Narcissist is to always make things right or fixing things. There is no right with a Narcissist, there is only manipulation to take more and more from you (the supply fix they NEED), and then make you feel as if you deserved some sort of blame AND punishment because you are not worthy or better yet worthless. After the love bombing, this devaluation process grew and grew and the attacks become more defined and personal. Now actualize the love that you offered and committed to with this creature and see if you can find ANYTHING similar given in return.
Our individuality was ALWAYS in direct conflict with the Narcissist when we tried to find a real place in this relationship. We also tested THEIR reality when we would attempt to find cohesiveness in the relationship or questioned them in any form or fashion. The Narcissist’s lies would always create conflict especially as it concerned accountability. There is absolutely NOTHING that you could do or have done that was right or appreciated, so you were conditioned further and further into believing that your whole role was to serve this Narcissist and allow their many indiscretions and even their abuse OR ELSE! You were reprimanded for things and punished in a manner where this creature dangled this so called love in your face and always threatened to take it away if you didn’t conform to their needs. Your role turned into being the problem solver and giving and giving until there was nothing left to give and STILL trying to fix the relationship because there was always SOMETHING wrong!
Now ask yourself what was actually wrong and then seriously ask yourself exactly what you were being blamed for. How could you go from being the perfect loving partner to this defective and mentally ill person that was jealous, creating problems, a liar and so many other things that you were described as? Then put a perspective on the years of enduring this managing down, deception, manipulation, and constant punishing and what it has done to your psyche. Think about the role that you had to assume to maintain this relationship as well as your sanity and just how you got there. Well this is the abuse from a Narcissist, but that doesn’t really explain everything or anything because along with abuse comes the psychological damage that was imposed upon the target/victim that fell into this trap. It is a creature seducing you into their distorted world of abuse to use you up. It is a dual recovery because you have to grieve the emotional connection to this nothingness as well as recover from the years of psychological abuse that has implanted so many negative messages into your mind. You did nothing but be yourself and that is what was in contention with this Narcissist because they are so addicted to their supply and you were their main supply or 24/7 babysitter, but they had their little playmates on the side as well. The Narcissist feels that it is an amazing honor to be there to service them and their every need.
Please understand this completely. Narcissistic love is totally superficial at every level and all people are just objects to them and for as long as we do what we are supposed to do for the Narcissist. Narcissists are not fully functioning human beings and they are very destructive to people. People only have an intrinsic value to a Narcissist. We are just a convenience in their life and make them look good and real to the outside world. We are an object to them that serves a purpose and that is it! It is just like going out to your car and finding that the battery is dead and you get angry and start swearing because the car isn’t serving you completely as it is supposed to do. We depend on our vehicle and sort of like it because it is an extension of our life. BUT there are other vehicles out there that we can ride in if our vehicle fails. We even flirt with the idea of having a better vehicle and getting rid of our ‘USED’ vehicle when we can. Our vehicle is always outside or in the garage waiting to be a viable aspect or object to serve us in our lives when we need it, and in some cases make us look good. Sure we will have it serviced so it keeps running, give it gas when it needs it, and even shine it up once in a while. It is not a love based relationship or there isn’t any deeper connection other than what it is supposed to do for us because it is based on functionality and just an extension of us. We just park it when we don’t have a need for it, and we have other ‘go to’ objects that serve us too, like our computer, etc. Everything is a matter of convenience to fulfil our needs as far as the objects in our lives. You don’t exactly grieve when one of the objects breaks down and you then need to replace it, but you are probably upset about the cost, inconvenience, and effort required for the replacement though. You do however know that there are always options to replace it and know where to find them.
Sound familiar – this is objectification and basically how a Narcissist treats people. Similar to this explanation the Narcissist decides what people are supposed to do (or what our use to them is,) and when these expectations are not fulfilled it can be just like that car not starting when it is supposed to with the same resulting anger and inconvenience to the Narcissist. YES this Narcissist is fulfilling their many needs with MANY other objects or their supply on the side, and they are always flirting with the idea of a newer and better ‘object’ to serve them! So we are just a matter of convenience to fill in along with the many other objects that are out there and serving this Narcissist. PLUS we definitely have an expiration date. We are just there to fulfill a need. Unfortunately we are not like a vehicle with an engine (for example) that is turned on and off by another person. Nor are we meant to be easily traded in for a better choice. We MUST understand the truth and psychopathy behind this abuse to move forward to freedom and recovery. More than likely love has bonded you to this person but the truth is now standing right in front of you. Understand and accept this truth with a strong education and knowledge about this disorder so you can move forward. Empower yourself and know that this was situational and that you are an amazing person that can beat this! Once you know the truth you MUST discard the many messages and thoughts about this Narcissist or you will get lost in a perpetual loop of overthinking. No/minimal contact to get there! Greg