Intuition – that voice that we heard in our heads but never acknowledged as fully as we should have with a Narcissist!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
Does this scenario sound familiar to you? I became so discombobulated in this abstract and distorted world with my Narcissist because I had no real sense that I was with a personality disordered individual – unfortunately targets/victims never do. This all didn’t happen overnight, it was post ‘love bombing’ so I totally missed the biggest part of the manipulation or the fake love BECAUSE that was the seamless trap a Narcissist uses. So after the trap was set and I was caught up in the vast array of the positive loving manipulations (love bombing) I just traveled down the normal road of creating and growing in a relationship with what I believed was a ‘normal,’ loving and deserving person. Boy that saying that hindsight is 20/20 REALLY comes into play with a Narcissist!
I know that it is relevant to say that there were these ‘red flags’ waving all along but I have to say they were not as bright and red as so many relate to this abuse or better yet right there in the very beginning. Let’s just say they were light pink because the Narcissist bleached those ‘red flag’ scenarios out with compensatory arguments, lies and more manipulation – or better yet filters that the Narcissist mentally installs in our hearts and minds to divert us from seeing the truth! Love bombing is the first and biggest and by far the most destructive filter that the Narcissist puts in place and utilizes to its fullest advantage to open the doors to our mind and heart to gain our undying love and trust. It is hard as a normal human being to imagine that a predator (Narcissist) would use fake love to lure targets/victims into their world BUT that is the trap they set and that is to conquer us through our emotions first! They are shrewd creatures and they have more ‘mental’ filters that they keep installing into our minds throughout the whole cycle of abuse to basically manage us down and disable our reality – again let’s call it what it is – emotional and psychological ABUSE!
So pushing forward to the ‘post love bombing’ or the devaluation. YES I was blind sighted and walking on those proverbial eggshells and worrying about what I said or if I was behaving the right way to avoid feeling more desperation from all of the crazy arguments AND warding off the possibility of another verbal attack BUT I kept trying harder! I was conditioned and managed down and really wasn’t an individual by any means, I was just an audience, scapegoat, AND servant to this Narcissist’s crazy making, chaos, and delusions but somehow I accepted responsibility. The Narcissist was so methodical with manipulation and control and always dangling that love over me by throwing me a little bone once in a while and YES usually something so small and insignificant, but I would get exhilarated once again, thinking that this Narcissist thought a little about me and trying with ANY small gesture or token because IT WAS SOMETHING!
This is what manipulative conditioning and managing down is all about – locking you up in such confusion and making you vulnerable! Couple that with the ‘love bombing’ that trapped us all into this abuse, and THEN we invested time into what appeared to be REAL love but the brainwashing and devaluation was what kept us confused and locked in ONLY as a source of supply as we were meant to be! This was ALL fueled by the Narcissist to achieve their agenda and then move on to the next target – it was OU turn and we WERE that ‘next target’ until we reached our expiration date. I had experience with real love and relationships and I was blind sighted by the seamless job this Narcissist did with the ‘love bombing’ and believed it was as real as my other positive experiences from past relationships. It wasn’t desperation it was a small glimmer of hope that just maybe there was the promise of achieving or better yet reigniting a cohesiveness in the relationship – this is what people do in normal relationships – work things out. What I was overlooking and justifying became my abuse and THEN it turned into a desperate love because of the mental abuse!
I didn’t realize that I was being conned and manipulated so seamlessly and losing my ability to see the reality of the situation. The more I tried, and the more empathy I poured out to this Narcissist the more I fed and enabled the psychological abuse, and every day was only disabling my reality and creating cognitive dissonance. There was no instruction manual that came with this creature or a sign that said this was a malignant Narcissist, but something ALWAYS felt wrong and I could never put my finger directly on it. I just really couldn’t get any headway in trying to solve the many issues that seemed to constantly surround this relationship.
Issues piled up layer upon layer with no time in between to solve any one of them and it became an insurmountable feat or that huge maze and I was lost – it became my new normal. A Narcissist surrounds you with so many lies, diversions, manipulation, betrayal, etc., that you are caught in a maze of total confusion where there is absolutely no way out once you become lost there. Furthermore you are not even aware that you are in this destructive maze! In time this scenario only got worse as if this Narcissist took extreme pleasure in torturing me, punishing me, taunting me, and just being intentionally cruel. This creature knew exactly what they were doing. Then there were the LIES – so many of them that now (many years later) I believe that EVERYTHING out of this Narcissist’s mouth was/is a lie!
Normal love is a strong emotion that we build up to, but once there we hand our heart AND our trust over unconditionally to this person because usually they reciprocate in the same manner and that is what starts the journey, but with a Narcissist it is a death sentence. Everybody pursues a relationship at some point in their life because it is part of the human condition and normally we can identify the ‘jerks’ but a Narcissist is a predator and seamless with their game and pursuit and the ‘love bombing’ is the bait they use to be successful in making us a source of supply. This is not being foolish, allowing this abuse, wanting it, being weak or any of the above – it was horrendous manipulation at the hands of a ‘not fully functioning human being’ that had an agenda AND still does. Remember a Narcissist’s survival is dependent on finding constant sources of supply and really a matter of life and death as far as they are concerned. It is like going to a doctor to have surgery, and you just trust that this really is a doctor that will have your best interests and health in mind. You have met the doctor, the doctor has been part of your community and seems functional, so you go through with the surgery because you believe this doctor is REAL. Narcissist usually come across as functioning and ‘normal’ people too and you would think that the world would know what a fraud they really are, but the Narcissist carefully keeps their past well hidden.
I did realize the truth of my situation, but what conspired between the love bombing and when I finally figured out the truth was dehumanizing and disabling psychological abuse. Giving a Narcissist credit that they are NOT cognitive of their actions is like enabling any other criminal that has acted out against the law and dehumanized another person with their actions. Narcissists are psychological terrorists/rapists pure and simple and they need to be made accountable for their crimes! Yes it would be great to find a cure, help them and give them all the human compassion possible – but didn’t we already do this? It is not being scorned, mean or anything but the realization of the truth and that is they are personality disordered and they are dangerous and destructive to other human beings. Unfortunately society has only attached the clinical label but that is as far as it goes for now. The rest is up to us and that involves our personal safety, healing and moving completely away from this situation and person. Yes the emotional and psychological abuse is deep seeded inside of us all, but we have to fix this no matter what and more than often the support is just not always right there – BUT we must find it through knowledge, education, the support of other victims/survivors, and professional help if need be. If we don’t choose a path of real recovery we will be locked up with the shell shock of this abuse forever. Face it our stories are too incredulous and we would have had issues believing stories like our own before we were abused. We know the truth and that is all we have and all we need to really start moving forward. Healing is not giving up as if we resign to the fact that we were just not smart enough, or allowed the abuse but instead it is believing in yourself and empowering yourself with the truth and that is what will move you forward. We must first accomplish this through no/minimal contact! Greg