The unfortunate and horrendous truth – this was not a soulmate, this was a soulless-mate but we struggle and struggle with that vision of love that was served up to us in the beginning always believing it was real until we STOP believing and move forward with the real truth!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
Narcissists are acutely aware of their human counterparts (you and I) and they know emotions, or what YOU are feeling even if they can’t feel it themselves. They have observed people’s reactions to every specific emotion and know how to imitate it to get a desired response, even if they do not experience that emotion themselves. Just look back and understand how they were so amazingly adept at making you believe that they loved you, cared for you, and wanted you to be their ‘one and only’ or life partner, spouse, best friend or whatever it took to con you into their abusive grip to meet ONE of their MANY needs. Everybody that is reading this can’t deny that they strongly BELIEVED in this Narcissist at one time and what they were feeling WAS a bond be it love, caring, friendship, etc. Nor can we deny that we learned the real truth that they are very disordered and essentially abused us.
Narcissists get us to feel that bond or love for them without even reciprocating a REAL loving response in return AND they are incapable of ‘bonding’ with people. It seems like they are loving us back, but they are only reflecting our very emotions right back onto us and into us and this is as deep as it goes. They exploit people’s emotions, manipulate their feelings, pretend they are feeling creatures when they aren’t. They make you dance with them but the Narcissist is ALWAYS leading their partner in the dance and the music you are dancing to are their lies and deceit to exploit what they can of your love and life. The Narcissist becomes intimately familiar with all of your loving and emotional spots and knows the correct buttons to push to gain your trust and admiration and to keep you hanging on while they plug you into their agenda to fulfill whatever need you can fill for them.
Seriously this is all the depth that there is to them and this is all we really have to understand about them OR there is no reality to them. The very unfortunate thing is that their charming façade triggered something in us that got us attached to them at the hip emotionally and with most that was probably love! They conquered us with this single word (and imitating all of the required actions to support it) so we are right there with them and believing they are real. Because we have normal and real emotions we believed only what we knew and thought was real and supported every aspect of this love and bond.
They don’t have any real emotions to support it (love) back with us and this is what fails them AND us in a horrendous way. They want what they want, they play the game, but it is short lived because they lack the necessary mechanics to give back in a normal way that you and I can and do. They get bored easily because they feel no human emotions or feelings to connect to us, but they are in it as long as they can fulfill their every need and they exhaust everything we have and then they continue on to the next target/victim. They are protecting themselves from exposure, so combine those two elements (their needs and their extreme manipulation to fulfill them) and this Narcissist becomes a raging lunatic if you should out them with the REAL truth to basically confound you, blame you and keep you hanging on until they are done with you. They keep up the charade, rages and all, but they throw us a little bone to snare us back once again and then manage us down to make us feel worthless and thus disabling more and more of our reality. Remember if their true inner self was transparent to the world they would be rejected, writher away and die – that is why they abuse us in private. They can’t keep up the charade because there is nothing in them that allows them to bond so their spell over us lasts only as long as it takes us to discover the truth. BUT and this is a big but – they were smart enough to use a strong emotion to lock us in or trap us – again the charm or love bombing. That is the glue that kept us hanging on and trying to fix this broken and desperate relationship.
Hindsight unfortunately is 20/20 as they say, so you have to experience their deception and abuse to understand exactly what I just said. It is definitely not something anyone should experience because the destruction reaches the very core of your heart, soul and mind and the end result traumatizes you.
This is why letting go can be so hard for the target/victim because there are REAL emotions from REAL love that is strongly attached or mixed in with the psychological abuse and it confounds the recovery process just as it did throughout the entire distorted relationship – but the love was only real to you. It becomes very confusing because even though it was all based on lies and a huge façade somehow you still love them and STILL want to sort through all of the deception to make it right with YOUR concept of real love because it was ingrained on your heart and mind. You believed in them and now the task at hand is to unbelieve them and that caring and love does not just STOP when you do realize the truth!
Being on the receiving end of Narcissistic love can, will, and does make us feel like we need to try harder because of the extreme manipulation or conditioning that they use to keep us hanging on AND we spent vast amounts of time and energy trying to fix this relationship – that really is all that defines this relationship – trying more and more but never getting anywhere. We were given a vision in the beginning that this was real love and we became emotionally bonded to this vision BECAUSE that was part of the big game. Unfortunately no matter how hard we try, we can’t really get through to or connect to the other person (our Narcissist.) BUT we believe that somehow, it is up to us to fix the relationship because that is what the Narcissist uses as control and power over us to keep believing and hanging on while they extort our entire life away from us. This Narcissist lacks any and all emotions, empathy, and love for anything other than itself. So what is left for us to interpret? Superficial connections which are not functional by any means, but meant to make us believe that there is something real for us there. And we held onto this far too long. A Narcissist can’t connect to themselves yet alone to anyone else so everything they do is superficial as it concerns a real relationship with people. They are amazingly adept at this game because it is part of their survival.
We constantly struggle with the vision of that love in the back of our mind (the one that we were CONNED into believing was real) to make the relationship work and make our Narcissist happy by working harder at the relationship. We are even asked (more like demanded by threats) to do things differently or do what this Narcissist wants but it only would lead to more demands and making us sink deeper and deeper into this distorted love. We are even offered an ‘olive branch’ and an “I love you so much,” to achieve a cohesive peace but again it is not real at all and the Narcissist cashes in on the lies once again! But despite our intuition or the deep rooted sense that something is totally wrong with this relationship it still feels familiar to love because that is what we hold onto to alleviate the struggles and pain. We begin to feel increasingly unhappy because we are never getting our needs met as well as totally confused and lost. The struggle to get this person to love and accept you is not working so you employ all kinds of tactics to try harder but to no avail. It is the vicious cycle of this abuse or the trap that keeps us running in circles until it ends and that end is always devastating and destructive because of the psychological damage that the Narcissist inflicted that kept this toxic relationship going. The Narcissist just closes the door and moves onto the next victim, but that doesn’t spell happiness, that defines an abusive predator! In the beginning we believed we found our soulmate, but in the end we realize we found a soulless-mate. What a horrendous journey we traveled to get to this truth! Now that journey must end and we must go back to find ourselves again to recover from this sadistic nightmare. To do this we MUST completely discard the Narcissist from our life, thoughts and heart – it is now time to work on healing and growing by concentrating on YOU – it must end completely to do this with no/minimum contact. Greg