The manipulation all started on the very FIRST day you met this Narcissist when you experienced that extreme charm that set you up to fall prey to their abusive lifestyle and become the next target or source of supply – but you believed it was love and that started you out on this horrendous journey with a personality disordered Narcissist.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
When all is said and done and the Narcissist has moved on AND probably to new supply you are/were left dumbfounded, vulnerable, and in total disbelief because of those emotions that you were tricked into believing were real – or what YOU believed was love! The first thing that comes to mind is going back, fixing this, maybe you can change him/her AND actually the same thoughts that ran through your mind a MILLION times throughout the entire relationship. How many times did the relationship go back and forth like this and you would fight/argue and then within a few days you would get back together again. This process would repeat itself over and over again and it was short lived and you were devalued, blamed and shamed, and punished even more. It would always come back to this same point.
I would often come out of the fog for a few moments of sanity and ASK myself if I was actually so bad or doing something so wrong then why didn’t this Narcissist just leave and move on. Well because I still had supply that this Narcissist wanted and needed and probably there wasn’t new supply to move onto YET! Why didn’t I just realize the truth that I was a good person and this was total insanity? But I want to make a very valid point here – we were conditioned, manipulated, brainwashed, and hijacked from reality the very first day the Narcissist started with the ‘charm’ or ‘love bombing’ to accept this symbiotic role of abuse with them or a predator after prey! This is a hard concept to accept but once you get to the truth through knowledge, education and the support from other victim’s and survivor’s you will get to your ‘ah ha’ moment!
In the beginning you did not perceive this as ‘love bombing’ or probably even heard of this term before. You were flattered that he/she was paying so much attention to you. There were all of those simple to complex gestures, be it compliments, love notes, many great text messages or phone calls, etc. – but it was as if it were a scene from a romantic movie. Guess what, basically that is all it was, a fictional scene with a role that was written personally for you by this Narcissist that had no basis of reality. It was purely fictional to move you in a manner to continue to watch and allow the movie to play out in your life so the Narcissist could receive the big payoff for their personal investment in you or to use you as the next source of supply.
A little bit more clarity about this ‘love bombing.’ The Narcissist was constantly assessing you and then mirrored back to you everything that was positive about you and it felt like you had so much in common and you felt a bond. The truth is that he/she was reflecting back onto and into you exactly what you wanted or NEEDED to hear so you would believe in their façade which was really a trap to con you into their agenda! The Narcissist was grabbing all of your attention and focusing it right back onto you. If he/she didn’t gain this type of control over you then you might not be his/her most viable source of supply and they did it quickly once they assessed you as a good and viable source of supply. Again this is purely manipulation to gain your complete trust and dependence on him/her and to control you.
Think about it in simpler and non-clinical terms. Love bombing really isolates you and it doesn’t give you much time to think about anything but them or what is happening. It hides the real truth about them and within a very short period of time, it takes ALL of your time and attention away from your life in general and other people AND again isolates you with all the amazing attention. It moves the relationship forward without giving you enough real time to assess the whole situation. It is just too good to be true so you go with it because it resembles that fairy tale prince/princess charming or something very familiar to that dream of meeting your soul mate!
It is really mind control with an agenda. Wow he/she really likes me and is this the ‘real’ love of my life? We have SO much in common so how could this be anything but the real thing! You feel like you know him/her so completely perhaps in another life? This person really LOVES ME! It blinds you in a manner that reality is thrown out the window. This is what fairytales are made of and WOW can it be real? Well it was just a fairytale but with a horrendous ending!
It is important that a Narcissist move the relationship forward very quickly otherwise you might see the many red flags or all the negativity and destruction from their past lives. You might not notice that he/she is basically shunned by their biological family, has many enemies, doesn’t actually have a job, etc. You don’t see the real monster under that thin veneer of goodness or mask that they wear so well. They were deflecting from the real truth to make you their next target/victim. Remember this is an investment for them and they need their sources of supply to survive so they HAVE to be this good!
Their motive is always to control. So they are very effective with this love bombing or ‘charm’ in a very short period of time. It gives you the impression that you are falling in love OR are in love and you have met your soul mate. Nope it is ownership and this Narcissist has isolated you from people to hide the very truth of how disordered they are as well as their agenda to extort what they can from you by making you their primary supply. You want to pursue this grand relationship and who wouldn’t want to? This was/is someone that you feel is so special to you and it feels like the real thing!
With this abuse you have to pull it back to the beginning to understand that this love was the biggest manipulation that started you off in the cycle of this abuse. That emotional bond that the Narcissist created and tendered with you was their most horrendous tool to achieve their agenda to extort you as their newest source of supply and KEEP YOU THERE. You must pull it back to the day this all started and realize what an amazing person you were then and STILL are now. You walked into this trap with empathy, unconditional love and goodness and those qualities were disabled in you by this abuse. You have to empower yourself with the fact that you still are that amazing person and you were psychologically terrorized and that has traumatized you, your belief systems, your self-esteem and your whole life. You have to realize that this was situational and you are NOTHING even near to what this Narcissist reduced you to believing through the managing down or the devaluation. You must fight to repurpose yourself back into the world without allowing that Narcissist to live inside of your head and heart forever. Evict that Narcissist from your head once and for all because they will only abuse you more. This was a disaster in your life and the trauma is real, but it can also be desensitized through the healing process. There is nothing to look back on once you get to the real truth that you were dealing with a personality disordered person as in fixing the relationship or helping them. You MUST now look forward and FIX yourself by purging the horrendous messages and actions out of your head and heart with the truth. Get back to the real world you once knew – you CAN do this because you are stronger than you know. Start with no/minimal contact for the clarity to begin the journey! Greg