NOBODY is an independent thinking and functioning human being in the Narcissist’s mind but instead another object to use and then once we cease to serve them in their pursuit of supply they lose interest and find another object.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
Human beings are NOT objects or instruments to be used and to be reduced or regarded as such is dehumanizing to say the least. Narcissists devalue people and reduce them to mere objects that have one purpose ONLY and that is to fulfil their every need, so their world is black and white and so are we as far as it concerns our primary role with them. This is why Narcissists easily lose interest in us because we are not a deserving, independent thinking and functioning human being in their mind but instead another object to use and then once we cease to serve them in their pursuit of supply they lose interest and find another object. No care or fuss and muss as far as finding someone else to replace us! Remember we were their DAILY or 24/7 source of supply and there were many ‘on the side’ sources to supplement the Narcissist’s vast and bottomless pit of neediness. Narcissists are not prejudicial in the least bit when it comes to their needs, they will take it from whomever or whatever walks past them if they have the opportunity. There is never a commitment to any one source nor any care or concern of what harm they cause to ANYONE.
Unfortunately many spouses, friends, family members, partners, truly BELIEVE that given sufficient time and patience they will be the one to ‘fix’ them. We were probably not aware there was a clinical name and this is a disorder so instead we viewed them as perhaps troubled. Because we loved them and they loved us for sure, so it is our job and responsibility to be unconditional and bend our empathy to protect our loved one! We can’t “rescue” the Narcissist, and shield them from their disordered self. The Narcissist makes use of our naïve aspect of their fake love to keep us there for them, so within that thought we have been supporting them in a distorted way. They take us as a captive prisoner through a strong emotional bonding that would render the Narcissist’s exploitive acts to his/her benefit. Our real or natural, protective, and healthy mechanisms are twisted, used, and abused by the Narcissist to achieve their agenda and THAT IS ALL! There were the fake apologies and pretend love and care, but it always shifted back to the disabling blame and shame as if we were the source of the problem and needed to work on ourselves.
So the truth or the crash course to understanding our role. The Narcissist attacks or infects their targets/victims by infiltrating their healthy mind or psyche and also penetrating their defenses through a vast array of manipulation techniques – brain-washing us every step of the way to BELIEVE in them so they can in turn manage us down and control us to ‘get’ supply. They are seriously like a virus that establishes itself within its victims. Their words and manipulative actions echo through our psyche and mind, slowly but surely disabling every aspect of our reality, disabling us with the sole intent to control and extort us. AMEN!
This was not a normal breakup between two fully functioning people. With that in mind you have to understand that the recovery process is quite different than what you would experience in a ‘normal’ breakup. There was love involved but it was ONLY your love. Now all of a sudden you are faced with that horrendous truth as well as dealing with the emotions of the real love you thought that you had with this person.
Recovery is a process that demands that we separate ourselves from the Narcissist that is alive and living inside of us as the result of living or being with that Narcissist. The Narcissist has crippled you (us) and assigned us a role as they do to every target/victim. We HAD to develop MANY coping mechanisms with him/her. EVERY day we were forced (controlled) to “walk on eggshells” and develop our own false self to support their every need. It is nothing even comparable to BEING a Narcissist it is just defining what we become and that is Narcissistic supply meant to serve them or else. It is a direct result of the elaborate arsenal of tools that the Narcissist uses and the result of the trauma and abuse inflicted upon you (us) by the Narcissist.
It requires great efforts to abandon a Narcissist and physical separation is only the first step. Next emotional and psychological separation is also required and that is the catch 22 in our recovery. Establishing a new reality that puts all of our old beliefs about this relationship to rest forever. We can abandon a Narcissist physically but our psyche and emotions are slow to catch up and abandon the Narcissist. The abuse is lurking there rendering its existence at every level of our reality. It is twisting and distorting our every thought as we reach out to find closure in response to the many years we were with them. The Narcissist’s words and actions live within us as an inner, remorseless voice, lacking any compassion and empathy for our real being. The Narcissist is there in spirit long after he/she has vanished physically. This is the last bow of the Narcissist, their final curtain call, the ambient abuse that has to be purged out of us.
Now I have clarity about this abuse as well as the Narcissist that abused me. It is like being on a merry-go-round, but one that you can’t get off of and it just goes faster and faster until you are left there alone, dizzy and spinning around with no sense of anything but the senseless motion you are in. I DO NOT understand why I endured as long as I did with this Narcissist except that I WAS managed down and a captive person of psychological abuse that put me there. Was I a willing participant that wanted to be abused – NO! Was I put into a position to believe that this creature loved me – YES! Was I the recipient of subtle and demeaning brain-washing – YES! Am I normal person than loves and has empathy – YES! Am I co-dependent – NO! Did I become dependent from the psychological abuse – YES! Did I willfully accept this role to become disabled and dependent on a Narcissist – NO! Did I believe in the false love – YES! BUT again did I connect any or all of this OR put it together when I was in the thick of this cycle of abuse – NO. I was confused, dazed and fighting for answers I didn’t have nor could I get to them because of my distorted emotions and trying to believe. It was my own justifications that blinded me from so much of the truth AND disabling.
The devaluation was relentless and a new layer was added daily so I couldn’t even start to dig myself out from the many other layers or realize this was psychological abuse. I didn’t have time to concentrate or figure out one single layer because another layer was added until the process was insurmountable and I was just surviving each day. I was in over my head and by myself (isolated) with a distorted reality and stories that were just too incredulous and beyond belief. I could only survive the best way I could and my life was controlled by this revolving circle of inner messages that we are left with to decipher but it was too overwhelming to do alone. What did I have as my reality – a disordered and not fully functioning human being – A NARCISSIST?
Just like the analogy of that fast ride on the merry-go-round, my only salvation was to jump off at all costs and get my feet back on the ground and my bearings back again. This was not a simple process because this Narcissist made sure to set the groundwork to make those nearest and dearest to me believe that I was a bad person and derelict that added yet another destructive layer. This was an insurmountable situation that I had to venture into without any course of action to resolve any of it quickly. I stumbled through it and had to let go of many things that were important to my life and become a survivor. Day by day I acquired the truth as well as knowledge and education to move forward. I didn’t look at any of the losses at first, I realized that my survival was based on becoming healthy first and then to rebuild from there. I had to step out of the fog and take each and every day as part of my freedom that provided me clarity to heal and move on little by little until I survived this war that was waged against my life. They just don’t walk into our lives to take supply and then discard us, they have to attempt to destroy us to make themselves feel better or superior in the process and to bury the evidence AND us to avoid exposure. No/Minimal contact always! Greg