This abuse uses and then distorts the real meaning of love that confounds a victim and disables their reality.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
After this relationship ended you were left with so many conflicting messages about this love that kept you trapped in extreme emotional confusion because this is what the Narcissist wanted. By doing this the Narcissist uses us like a yo-yo on a string, constantly forcing us down and then pulling us back up again – perpetual, disordered and dizzying motion to control us and keep us dizzy and off balance. You didn’t have time to clearly think or see the forest for the trees. This is a person that initially proclaimed a real love for us that we invested in AND believed was real for a good period of time so our mind always goes back there first and that constantly manipulated and redefined it for us by making it a desperate love. The Narcissist turns it completely around and what was love is now contempt through subtle BUT direct attacks of our integrity to erode our well-being. From there the Narcissist escalates these attacks and they turn into rage, silencing, and punishment to take us completely down and finish the job or the devaluation phase. They are now using contempt as the tool to unhinge that love they used to get us emotionally connected to their agenda in the first place.
Devaluation is when they start defining us in a manner that points to us as being distorted and ugly to them, the source of everything negative, as well as the cause of the relationship failing. They gave us love only to take it away and distort our version of it as their final gift to us. Yes there always were the intermittent bones they threw at us to keep us attached to the faint love that they once proclaimed but this boils down to an abuser purposely using and maintaining this manipulating agenda to destroy us and then their counter offensive attack to keep themselves safe from the exposure of the truth of their abuse through backstabbing and a horrendous smear campaign. We don’t see the abuse for what it is, instead we see issues that we were brain-washed into believing through this manufactured or FAKE love and it becomes our reality, even as bizarre as all of the allegations were. We felt the need to fix the wrongs but lost ourselves in the messages and accepted a role that somehow we WERE to blame. All we were doing was constantly EXPLAINING ourselves to the Narcissist in an attempt to make this relationship cohesive – but we never had a real role as an individual with our own needs – we were more like an employee working for a VERY critical boss that was always about to be fired.
I was not allowed a real role where I was any PART of the relationship. I was tricked to make me believe there was a relationship, but that was to only trap and keep me into my place as the next target/victim so this Narcissist could extort everything that they could get including my reality. Long and short I am trying to explain that there are layer upon layer of this ‘crazy’ from the Narcissist that we have to deal with in a realistic way. That and it all becomes part of the damage we have to deal with and purge out of us to come to REALISTIC terms about the distorted Narcissist that infiltrated our mind, life, and LOVE.
It is easy to wound yourself in the process of healing and cause more damage to the insurmountable layers that already exist by constantly returning to the negative messages! THEN just the simple thought that there must be something fundamentally wrong with you because someone you loved thinks you deserve punishment for who you are and deserve to be hurt so you change to meet more of their needs. So you wonder why when you BELIEVED that you loved them with all of your heart and soul in a normal way that they would attack your virtues! This is not how people should respond to real love so you have to generate a thought process around this to support a viable answer and that they were a personality disordered human being. You are not ever going to find closure or secure that answer from the person that abused you because you are dealing with a creature that loathes love and even enjoys abusing people they trick into their big lie because it serves them – that and AGAIN they are PERSONALITY DISORDERED!
Even though you have labeled them as the Narcissist and they more than likely are, YOU are the one having to deal with sorting this out and finding peace with it because they have moved on and left you with all of the distorted and disabling messages. It will take some time to just understand how someone could possibly be so deceitful, and destructive no matter what! I can say that they (the Narcissist) is definitely the one with the problem, BUT the pain doesn’t go away, nor does that erase what you believed was real – that will come from the combination of the truth, knowledge and a strong education about this abuse! This is not a reality that we have past experience with and you have to adjust your belief system to include this now. This is what novels about monsters are written about that send a shiver up your spine. The fictional horror movies we have watched are now real to you and one of these monsters existed in your personal world. We can’t just close our eyes or pull a blanket over our head to resist seeing them because they are reality now! Accepting that is an insurmountable process and truth we have to travel to get to!
People do not intentionally hurt people, as well as take advantage of their love or betray their trust unless they are disordered and even THAT doesn’t justify abuse! Narcissists do FOR SURE! When someone’s actions are unexplainable and fall outside your normal realm of understanding, belief system or moral code, it is not because you ARE the bad person OR you deserve this behavior, INSTEAD it is because there is ultimately something wrong with THEM. Somehow you have to internalize and encapsulate this message so that you steer away from the tendency to blame yourself as well as to assure that you don’t in turn apply compassion to forgive your abuser for harming or destroying you OR keep returning to those negative messages over and over again. YES – forgive them in whatever manner you can to move on and away from them but do not forgive them to open yourself up once more to return to them. This is why it is tricky as far as putting the correct spin on the truth!
Let’s talk about that love. You know that you felt it and believed it WAS real. But let’s describe what it really was. In reality it was a dependence, an unhealthy attachment, an addiction that created a desire, from extreme manipulation and brainwashing from this distorted creature! This love compromised you in so many ways. It hurts to believe this as well as accept this, but it doesn’t mean that you are incapable of love in the least bit. It will definitely put a new spin on trust but you can turn that from fear into realistic boundaries to protect yourself from future abuse, but never close off love again as a reality NOR close yourself off from life.
Not everybody experiences an attack from a real life predator so that in itself requires a great deal of reflection and healing to feel comfortable enough again to rejoin the human race. We must also separate that the love we believed in was NEVER real and somehow throw that image completely out of our head. Many times I used the phrases psychological terrorism or psychological rape and those are the BEST descriptions that put a real spin on what this experience is in actuality!
Adversity does have a useful place in growing and moving forward in different life experiences but with abuse there are many other levels that are tearing away at the target/victim’s reality that have to surface and be dealt with before a target/victim can look at this adversity as useful right away! Shock, disbelief, pain, trauma, and destruction to name a few! When you do get your head above water you can apply the clichés.
When you are free of the abuse and recovered there is always a scar from a deep wound that is left. It is not from the love you lost (good riddance to that,) but instead it is the reality of realizing somebody that you believed in and loved meant to harm you intentionally, and EVEN destroy you. I was a happy go lucky person but secure person, a chef instructor by trade and I taught culinary art to help high school level students achieve their certification and dream of becoming chefs. I loved my life and I loved my world, BUT I was relentlessly attacked by something I can only describe as distorted and sadistic or like a cancer that was growing and destroying me day by day. This person meant to harm me and destroy me for their own personal needs and gain.
This was a predator like a shark that was biting chunks of my life away and devouring each piece with the hopes of completely consuming everything – BUT I WASN’T COMPLETELY AWARE OF THE HARM AND REAL DANGER I WAS IN. I may not have bled from these wounds but they were psychological in nature which is a much deeper wound to get at and heal. I will always walk around in life with this knowledge that I met up with a vile and sadistic creature that is still out there abusing and dangerous to people. This creature still poisons my life and my family’s life by the lies they originally spread and are probably are still spreading to protect themselves. But I came out of this whole again and I am a survivor of this vile creature and abuse PERIOD. I do have a message but it is in the form of education to share my experiences to hopefully help other people to understand this and not get completely buried by the abuse. Don’t judge your own methods of coping, don’t regret your decisions even if they’ve landed you in this dark place, and be grateful for what you’re going through because it has given you your freedom back and helping you develop a new relationship with yourself. This is you becoming a survivor by fighting the pain, humiliation, and subjugation of your life.
You will come out of this. You will form new and strong boundaries. You will reflect on your own inner conflicts and resolve them. You will grow with the knowledge that there are evil people out there that can and will destroy you. You will learn to differentiate the reality of good and bad in life and seek out the goodness in others and return it naturally as it should be. You will find what is important in life and live with an inner peace from knowing this horrid adversity. It is a life changing reality when someone psychologically rapes and terrorizes your mind. It is an unnecessary evil but you now realize it existed in your world and now have experience that will guide and you and protect you at all costs from returning to this abuse or allowing a similar toxic person into your life. It all starts with no/minimal contact to break the chain around your neck! It also requires that you accept the reality that defines this Narcissist and NEVER return as in trying to figure them out, understand them, and feel a need to help them or associate with anything that concerns them. Put all of that away so you can put positive energy into yourself and your recovery! Celebrate this day and every new day by loving yourself so much so that you see the journey to recovery as forgiving yourself with the real love you know and deserve. Allow that love to come back to you as self-compassion, empowerment and growth. You deserve that in life because YOU are an amazing person that can and will overcome this situation. Empower yourself and never give that power to anyone that means to steal it away. Get out of that Narcissists world forever and NEVER look back – that is what will free you. Greg