This was NEVER a relationship – it was a role you were emotionally manipulated and conned in and out of – and you were only dehumanized, subjugated and objectified by a personality disordered person each and every time they needed you as supply.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
What does a Narcissist do when we demand our individuality or to be treated as a person SHOULD be? They cut us down into the smallest pieces they can. They have numerous tools in their arsenal, but the most efficient of all is replacing us with another person. What is the message the Narcissist is sending? It is no big deal to find another person to fill your shoes. This truth is crazy to comprehend, but it depicts the true nature of a relationship with a Narcissist and they just go on with life switching out their partners like buying a new pair of shoes.
Think about it in real and practical terms. When we are talking about the ‘real’ relationship with a Narcissist remember this if you will remember anything – the relationship with a Narcissist is NOTHING that concerns romance, unconditional love, bonding, or a healthy relationship that grows with them, we are talking about the subjugation of an object. Yes Narcissists exploit their partners just as if they were an inanimate object that they will replace or throw out in a heartbeat.
A Narcissist will find a way to put a partner in their place or better yet a dehumanizing and disabling role that is only meant to serve the Narcissist’s sadistic needs. A Narcissist tears down a partner’s equality with many manipulative and devious steps that steal away his/her power ALWAYS or basically they practice the fine art of CONTROL. These are highly insecure creatures that manipulate, betray, lie, cheat, extort and every other disabling thing they can do to hide the truth of their disordered nature. What else would you or could you do if you are akin to a fictional creature like a vampire but find victims to suck the life force out of
A Narcissist will always find a way to unleash their toxic waste or sewage on the rest of us. SO never try to grasp at the vision they have a happy, normal, and fulfilling life now or ever. Everyone that gets to know your Narcissist will only become their next target for their fake and psychopathic pursuits that define their abuse.
There has been a term out there that describes a relationship with a Narcissist as a dance. Yes it is like a dance because the Narcissist plays all of this wonderful music in the beginning as well as the bad music that disables a target/victim. BUT they are the DJ that controls every aspect of this dance with their OWN music! The reality is that they are not there dancing with you, they are forcing you to dance to the beat of their music. It is control pure and simple and the music will get louder and more distracting any time you disagree with, confront, ignore or make them accountable.
A little more into understanding this dance. Once the music has completely stopped it is actually still playing in the background from the many destructive messages that Narcissist has implanted into your mind. The Narcissist will even abuse from a distance and this comes to you in various forms. Phone calls, text messages, conversations from mutual friends, postings on social media sites and so on and so forth. Really this is ambient abuse and you will find it ANYWHERE they find or see an opportunity to manage you down from a distance. You must BLOCK any of these sources if you are to achieve the necessary distance from them. It may seem like they are trying to connect with you, but not because they realize that they love you and want you back, instead to keep abusing and disabling you to keep trapped in this dance as well as making YOU out to be the defective person by smearing your good name and integrity.
Most if not all targets/victims are generous, trusting, normal, and kind people and basically this is why the Narcissist was attracted to you because your empathy and love was strong and in place for this Narcissist to exploit. It is a fact that Narcissists are sadistic, cruel, and insensitive and their actions toward people are very painful. YES it is cruel, dehumanizing, and basically criminal what they do to NORMAL, loving and good people AND it is impossible for us to wrap our heads around, but remember Narcissists aren’t normal by any means. They are unable to feel, sense or appreciate feelings, compassion or other people’s needs and boundaries and they consistently trample them down, especially when they are discarding you. When you are wondering or worried about them and not caring for yourself, they are not considering anything as it concerns YOUR well-being because they have new supply or your replacement. A Narcissist is always so absorbed with THEMSELVES so you are now just the past, but they will wring every last ounce of attention (good or bad) out of you, before dumping you, when they are moving on to their next victim, and after! BUT, only if you let them.
NEVER fall into the trap of trying to redeem yourself with them because you are only reacting to more of their manipulation. You can’t ever fix the past with them, change them, rescue them, save them, or communicate with them. If you do they will just set you up to manage you down and drag you back for a little or a LOT more of their abuse. A bit of advice from this survivor, and that is find ways to stop yourself from trying to re-connect with your Narcissist. You must stop completely and ignore your Narcissist with the strongest boundaries you can create! Remember, every minute you let them sit in your thoughts YOU lose a little bit more of yourself and you have already given up too much!
ALL of these repressed feelings they avoid like the plague and they don’t want to struggle with them because it is their whole past and a past where they have harmed so many people. Yes they seem like they don’t care about what they have done, but remember that is how they are wired or their internal mechanics that make them who and what they are. Their life is built on this premise so it is also their reality – so denial is a huge part of their world or a working mechanism in their disordered personality.
That is why their lives are spent running a marathon or from one trivial distraction to another, and another. In my estimation it is really pathetic when you catch on to what they are doing. Remember that they were doing this when they were with us, always searching for something or someone else and BLAMING us. This is why so many Narcissists are also addicts too, but basically they are addicted to their own neediness and seeking out some sort of external attention. All these creatures are doing is trying to escape their fate of ultimately being alone because of how damaged they are, BUT they never seek out any form of help to fix themselves. Unfortunately they are not cuddly creatures that you can love and help. They will devour you to protect themselves and this is why they abuse us. They can’t face themselves so they ultimately blame each and every person that becomes involved in their life.
Narcissists HATE to lose so they must wage a war and WILL only pursue a victory (in their mind only!) He/she is not in pursuing YOU to get you back, but it will LOOK like they are pursuing you. The Narcissist wants to put things right back to the way they’re SUPPOSED to be, with them psychologically abusing your mind and controlling your every move. Remember if you give in, forgive, adore, and admire this creature AND take him/her back they WILL incorporate some punishment for you “abandoning” them. They want you back but on their own terms, with the same degree of selfishness, psychopathy, AND abuse as before. Nothing has changed and if you respond to him/her and give them another chance, you’ll regret it and keep ending up at the same place over and over again AND one day discarded completely.
It is a vicious cycle that will only destroy you if you keep repeating it. If the Narcissist can keep you under his/her control AND they will manage you down deeper and deeper into their abuse and having a very happy time of it indeed. I hate to admit it, but I was guilty of this for 8 months after my relationship ended, but the positive thing is that I finally ‘got it’ and moved on and away from more abuse. I just didn’t understand the dynamics completely enough at the time.
Your only hope for success is completely no contact or minimal contact if you have children together. You can’t still be friends or have the occasional e-mail or ANY contact whatsoever. Narcissists who have been dumped or abandoned you will NOT be normal ‘ex’s’ any more than they were normal partners because they are abusive. Respond to a Narcissist in any manner and he/she will without a doubt hurt you and devalue you again. Every little contact, every chance encounter, will set you back in recovering from what has been a psychologically traumatic experience for you. This was a toxic bond and not any type of NORMAL relationship that will yield anything near a normal closure with them. Remember you can’t heal from the trauma you are still experiencing by adding more and more layers of trauma. If you’re going to recover from this, you MUST stay away from them. You WILL eventually get a clearer vision of reality once your mind gets some well-deserved peace AWAY from their abusive ways.
If you were married and have kids together, the Narcissist will make your divorce proceedings a living hell just like they did in your marriage. The Narcissist will act like they can’t wait to get rid of you, and then stall and impede the divorce as much as humanly possible just to make sure you know who’s in control. And that’s BEFORE the real nightmare begins, with the custody arrangements. You need to stay strong to get through this, AND then you still have to deal with them until the kids are grown.
I hope this information helps you understand that a Narcissist is in this only for themselves. You were never a part of anything but instead a part of their agenda to extort your reality and life and to entertain themselves. Mine played and still plays the same music but I have plugs in my ears and blinders around my eyes and I just don’t buy into any of the attempts or the garbage at all. I have moved on and found my place, happiness, and love again. This Narcissist will NEVER have a chance of ever knowing me again or even getting near to it no matter what game this Narcissist plays at. No contact means never again! I had the truth that gave me the vision I needed to return to a complete life of happiness and love and so will you if you only allow it. Give yourself that chance every day – you can and never look back. Please stop believing the lie! No/minimal contact! Greg