This was NEVER a relationship – it was a role you were emotionally manipulated and conned in and out of – and you were only dehumanized, subjugated and objectified by a personality disordered person each and every time they needed you as supply.

 

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com

 

What does a Narcissist do when we demand our individuality or to be treated as a person SHOULD be? They cut us down into the smallest pieces they can. They have numerous tools in their arsenal, but the most efficient of all is replacing us with another person. What is the message the Narcissist is sending? It is no big deal to find another person to fill your shoes. This truth is crazy to comprehend, but it depicts the true nature of a relationship with a Narcissist and they just go on with life switching out their partners like buying a new pair of shoes.

 

Think about it in real and practical terms. When we are talking about the ‘real’ relationship with a Narcissist remember this if you will remember anything – the relationship with a Narcissist is NOTHING that concerns romance, unconditional love, bonding, or a healthy relationship that grows with them, we are talking about the subjugation of an object. Yes Narcissists exploit their partners just as if they were an inanimate object that they will replace or throw out in a heartbeat.

 

A Narcissist will find a way to put a partner in their place or better yet a dehumanizing and disabling role that is only meant to serve the Narcissist’s sadistic needs. A Narcissist tears down a partner’s equality with many manipulative and devious steps that steal away his/her power ALWAYS or basically they practice the fine art of CONTROL. These are highly insecure creatures that manipulate, betray, lie, cheat, extort and every other disabling thing they can do to hide the truth of their disordered nature. What else would you or could you do if you are akin to a fictional creature like a vampire but find victims to suck the life force out of

 

A Narcissist will always find a way to unleash their toxic waste or sewage on the rest of us. SO never try to grasp at the vision they have a happy, normal, and fulfilling life now or ever. Everyone that gets to know your Narcissist will only become their next target for their fake and psychopathic pursuits that define their abuse.

 

There has been a term out there that describes a relationship with a Narcissist as a dance. Yes it is like a dance because the Narcissist plays all of this wonderful music in the beginning as well as the bad music that disables a target/victim. BUT they are the DJ that controls every aspect of this dance with their OWN music! The reality is that they are not there dancing with you, they are forcing you to dance to the beat of their music. It is control pure and simple and the music will get louder and more distracting any time you disagree with, confront, ignore or make them accountable.

 

A little more into understanding this dance. Once the music has completely stopped it is actually still playing in the background from the many destructive messages that Narcissist has implanted into your mind. The Narcissist will even abuse from a distance and this comes to you in various forms. Phone calls, text messages, conversations from mutual friends, postings on social media sites and so on and so forth. Really this is ambient abuse and you will find it ANYWHERE they find or see an opportunity to manage you down from a distance. You must BLOCK any of these sources if you are to achieve the necessary distance from them. It may seem like they are trying to connect with you, but not because they realize that they love you and want you back, instead to keep abusing and disabling you to keep trapped in this dance as well as making YOU out to be the defective person by smearing your good name and integrity.

 

Most if not all targets/victims are generous, trusting, normal, and kind people and basically this is why the Narcissist was attracted to you because your empathy and love was strong and in place for this Narcissist to exploit. It is a fact that Narcissists are sadistic, cruel, and insensitive and their actions toward people are very painful. YES it is cruel, dehumanizing, and basically criminal what they do to NORMAL, loving and good people AND it is impossible for us to wrap our heads around, but remember Narcissists aren’t normal by any means. They are unable to feel, sense or appreciate feelings, compassion or other people’s needs and boundaries and they consistently trample them down, especially when they are discarding you. When you are wondering or worried about them and not caring for yourself, they are not considering anything as it concerns YOUR well-being because they have new supply or your replacement. A Narcissist is always so absorbed with THEMSELVES so you are now just the past, but they will wring every last ounce of attention (good or bad) out of you, before dumping you, when they are moving on to their next victim, and after! BUT, only if you let them.

 

NEVER fall into the trap of trying to redeem yourself with them because you are only reacting to more of their manipulation. You can’t ever fix the past with them, change them, rescue them, save them, or communicate with them. If you do they will just set you up to manage you down and drag you back for a little or a LOT more of their abuse. A bit of advice from this survivor, and that is find ways to stop yourself from trying to re-connect with your Narcissist. You must stop completely and ignore your Narcissist with the strongest boundaries you can create! Remember, every minute you let them sit in your thoughts YOU lose a little bit more of yourself and you have already given up too much!

 

ALL of these repressed feelings they avoid like the plague and they don’t want to struggle with them because it is their whole past and a past where they have harmed so many people. Yes they seem like they don’t care about what they have done, but remember that is how they are wired or their internal mechanics that make them who and what they are. Their life is built on this premise so it is also their reality – so denial is a huge part of their world or a working mechanism in their disordered personality.

 

That is why their lives are spent running a marathon or from one trivial distraction to another, and another. In my estimation it is really pathetic when you catch on to what they are doing. Remember that they were doing this when they were with us, always searching for something or someone else and BLAMING us. This is why so many Narcissists are also addicts too, but basically they are addicted to their own neediness and seeking out some sort of external attention. All these creatures are doing is trying to escape their fate of ultimately being alone because of how damaged they are, BUT they never seek out any form of help to fix themselves. Unfortunately they are not cuddly creatures that you can love and help. They will devour you to protect themselves and this is why they abuse us. They can’t face themselves so they ultimately blame each and every person that becomes involved in their life.

 

Narcissists HATE to lose so they must wage a war and WILL only pursue a victory (in their mind only!) He/she is not in pursuing YOU to get you back, but it will LOOK like they are pursuing you. The Narcissist wants to put things right back to the way they’re SUPPOSED to be, with them psychologically abusing your mind and controlling your every move. Remember if you give in, forgive, adore, and admire this creature AND take him/her back they WILL incorporate some punishment for you “abandoning” them. They want you back but on their own terms, with the same degree of selfishness, psychopathy, AND abuse as before. Nothing has changed and if you respond to him/her and give them another chance, you’ll regret it and keep ending up at the same place over and over again AND one day discarded completely.

 

It is a vicious cycle that will only destroy you if you keep repeating it. If the Narcissist can keep you under his/her control AND they will manage you down deeper and deeper into their abuse and having a very happy time of it indeed. I hate to admit it, but I was guilty of this for 8 months after my relationship ended, but the positive thing is that I finally ‘got it’ and moved on and away from more abuse. I just didn’t understand the dynamics completely enough at the time.

 

Your only hope for success is completely no contact or minimal contact if you have children together. You can’t still be friends or have the occasional e-mail or ANY contact whatsoever. Narcissists who have been dumped or abandoned you will NOT be normal ‘ex’s’ any more than they were normal partners because they are abusive. Respond to a Narcissist in any manner and he/she will without a doubt hurt you and devalue you again. Every little contact, every chance encounter, will set you back in recovering from what has been a psychologically traumatic experience for you. This was a toxic bond and not any type of NORMAL relationship that will yield anything near a normal closure with them. Remember you can’t heal from the trauma you are still experiencing by adding more and more layers of trauma. If you’re going to recover from this, you MUST stay away from them. You WILL eventually get a clearer vision of reality once your mind gets some well-deserved peace AWAY from their abusive ways.

 

If you were married and have kids together, the Narcissist will make your divorce proceedings a living hell just like they did in your marriage. The Narcissist will act like they can’t wait to get rid of you, and then stall and impede the divorce as much as humanly possible just to make sure you know who’s in control. And that’s BEFORE the real nightmare begins, with the custody arrangements. You need to stay strong to get through this, AND then you still have to deal with them until the kids are grown.

 

I hope this information helps you understand that a Narcissist is in this only for themselves. You were never a part of anything but instead a part of their agenda to extort your reality and life and to entertain themselves. Mine played and still plays the same music but I have plugs in my ears and blinders around my eyes and I just don’t buy into any of the attempts or the garbage at all. I have moved on and found my place, happiness, and love again. This Narcissist will NEVER have a chance of ever knowing me again or even getting near to it no matter what game this Narcissist plays at. No contact means never again! I had the truth that gave me the vision I needed to return to a complete life of happiness and love and so will you if you only allow it. Give yourself that chance every day – you can and never look back. Please stop believing the lie! No/minimal contact! Greg

Posted on July 1, 2016, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.

  1. I read this with great interest as I have a mother that is a Narcissist and years ago I married a man with these same selfish and ugly unethical ways. I am now in councelling again but I have always pushed forward and I encourage all of you to do the same

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  2. a victim of abuse

    I am going through a divorce my narcissist husband filed. i am trying to get the custody of my child. i am deeply hurt as i dont know why he really wants a divorce. after reading this article i feel like there probably is never going to be any reconciliation. Its so scary. I have lost my trust in him. Its so hard to convince a 3rd person about his narcissistic side.

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  3. Unfortunately I too got involved and married a narcissist. I can’t begin to express the emotional pain these individuals cause so callously. A brother-in-law of mine described him as a spider that gets victims caught in his web and it is near impossible to get out of their web. I became chronically ill and am fighting to regain my life, my sense of self and to dissolve the bitterness and anger. He obtained another victim and had the nerve to ask to be friends. I agree no contact is the only way to heal. There is no compromise with these individuals. Even if they seem to be compromising DO NOT TRUST THEM.

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  4. I LOVE the comment “This narcacisst will NEVER have a chance to know me again”. This is Precicisely my state of Being today & Forever “UNTOUCHABLE” by ANY narcacisst-I have Healed, I have Changed-I can sense this EVIL up close or a mile away

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  5. I am so blessed and lucky to be free from a narcissist. Legally, spiritually, he is not my other half anymore. By a miracle and a lot of hard work at self awareness and most of all a lot of prayer, I am not under the influence of an emotionally abusive man anymore. It’s true that Im still bullied. but it is my own fault if I hook into the delusion…the chaos…the blame….the shame….lol….his threats and intimidation are pathetic and sad to me….and clear and obvious. the big kids don’t know half of the extent of his cruelty and he tells them things about me to plant doubt as to my sanity etc. Its sadistic. like a vampire….he is a psycho mind molester and he presents as charming to the community while he is harming me….He is very unstable with his moods…he can’t trust himself…. Im amazed how others don’t see his red flags…that is the personality disorder….he maximizes a presentation of his “charitable” side and actually has a part of him that does care to do good and it is intertwined with a compulsion to harm….and the two can’t be separated.

    Its actually fascinating how he can spin any reality and project the harm he does on someone outside of himself, usually me.
    the older kids know that he is not emotionally safe, even though they themselves get confused by the personality disorder and sometimes his distorted reality is so believable. They will find their way. Wickedness can’t hold up forever, or maybe it can in this exile.

    I own my half of the coin. I was a soft target for a manipulative personality. I was a people pleaser, was afraid of conflict…and did not know how to set healthy boundaries around myself. In some ways I was invisible to myself. I didn’t place a high value on my own opinions and thoughts, I was quick to blend with someone else. I attracted my ex to myself. I had a wound to heal. I didn’t realize how big my wound was. I wanted to marry someone else that felt like my soul mate, and I had a blessing to marry him. When that person married someone else, it devastated me. I surpressed my pain and truly thought I moved on. I davened to Hashem to help me move on and I felt that I did. I did not have the emotional awareness to understand about wounds and healthy coping tools, and processing emotions. I came into the marriage with my best foot forward and open arms to give love to another and accept love. There was a lot of good but there were also things I didn’t understand…e.g. my feelings being minimized and managed down if they were different than my spouses. I didn’t know what to make of it so I thought it was me.
    and part of it was me…the part that didn’t have the emotional awareness or the confidence to stand up for my opinions being valid. I learned quickly that unless I agreed with my spouse on every issue, he considered me not being supportive of him. Its an endless pit you can never fill. I didn’t give up… I gave all of myself and more. I supported and built his positive image…backed him up to the kids…but his core issue of being irrelevant always rose to the fore and he accused me over and over of undermining him with the kids. In a way he created that reality for himself over time by saying it and by being so controlling.

    over the past two years, when it became apparent that divorce was the only plan left, I understood that there was no hope in therapy with a borderline who is in denial, he became a malignant narcissist instead of the altruistic narcissist that he had been. He showed no conscience in many areas, be it emotional, financial, etc. I moved out of the bedroom and felt so happy….so sad and full of grief of a broken marriage but so strong and empowered to stop giving my power away to an abuser.

    I am amazed that I had the bandwidth to walk through many months of mediation living in the same house as him, emotionally hostaged….with him saying “theres the door…if you want to abandon the family…you can leave but the kids and I are staying right here where its stable…” lol stable with the man who locked my son out of the house at age 12 over a power struggle…saying he came late for curfew when he hadn’t been told of a curfew…my son became a prisoner out of the house that night and I was a prisoner in the house…I didn’t agree with locking my son out…my ex raged at me and intimidated me saying that because I didn’t support his chinuch educational decisions (such as locking our son out) thats why the kids were struggling…. I was actually afraid of him… I stayed up and cried and said tehillim all night. I knew then that I wanted to separate from this man and told him so. Im sorry that I didn’t leave then. to this day he says he doesn’t regret his decision to lock my son out that night and that , in fact, he says that my son has thanked him for it. To that I say, it must be trauma bonding if my son says that. and to myself I say, “If someone shows you who they are, believe them”
    Instead of a narcissist appreciating the next eight years of therapy and working on the marriage and our individual work, all I got was a kick of “you refuse to work on yourself and you refuse to work on the marriage” and thats what he told many people…so I guess it was a waste that I put so much effort in
    when you stop rescuing someone they blame you for everything and they split you into being the enemy….how sad that he can’t feel and see and appreciate how much love I sent his way. How sad that he went downhill mentally in his thinking. It has gotten more delusional and distorted.

    I understand that the new girl he is almost married to, who is so authentic and sweet, has a wound that is deep enough to be a match for my ex spouse. If she doesn’t see the red flags then she is attempting on a subconscious level to co-create her wound by choosing someone that will activate it…. like attracts like….we can’t help but gravitate to people on our level of emotional health…. so while I feel sorry for her I understand that we all have our journey. Maybe they will both be afraid of a second divorce and will find the humility and courage to look at their issues. But that is not my business. I have to rebuild myself up, shattered cell by shattered cell….learn how to be my own source of validation and love….heal the deep wounds of being constantly criticized and thrown off guard….narcissistic abuse. it will take my full strength to return to my authentic self. I am hopeful…its been a long journey so far…but I think the goal is just to get a little strong and clearer each day…to eventually reach a point where I can let go of the injustice…and trust in Hashem that nothing was a mistake….there was a valuable lesson in everything that was part of my life”s mission

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  6. I needed to see this this morning. He keeps coming into my mind everyday (not as strong but still does). I know it was all lies to me but at times I want to believe he actually loved me but then don’t treat people that you love the way he treated me. 😦 This reminded me it was his issues, even though I loved the persona he showed me, the real him is sick and not the person I want in my life.

    The happiness I had with him will never be as it was based on his lies and the disorder. It kills me that I won’t be able to trust or be that happy again. Can’t trust others because of it.

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  7. Excellent! Thank you Greg. I needed this post. Been NC almost 2 years now,but I still struggle sometimes. This post brought me right back to reality.

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