The truth about living in NARCISSIST-ville and why we have to move out and never return!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
Let’s really get this because there are many Narcissists out there and this abuse is not confined to just relationships. Narcissists can be a mother, father, brother, sister, friend, co-worker, boss, preacher, mailperson, lawyer, judge, doctor, therapist, or anybody! I think you get the message, BUT what we must understand is that they are dangerous and once they feel wounded they attack with the veracity of a hungry shark and will completely try to destroy a person’s integrity and life. It doesn’t take much for them to feel slighted and it can be anything from a real to a perceived slight to them or their world.
Their life boils down to an accumulation of targets/victims, temporary family/friends, sexual partners, acquaintances, and whatever material gains or ‘life opportunities’ they manage to extort – but no one relationship to them is real but instead an opportunity for supply and ‘gain.’ As many spouses know Narcissists will have children with them as well, and sometimes children to other spouses or other partners. It is sort of like a collection of human beings for the Narcissist or better yet objects that have no emotional depth or the chance of a worthwhile life with because this Narcissist will never be a real parent by any means. Malignant Narcissists are so heartless and callous that they can easily reject their own biological children, once they devalue and discard the target/victim spouse. BUT they will portray themselves as the BETTER spouse that is a complete care giver to these children, often taking credit for things the abused spouse has done in reality.
So the truth here is the Narcissist can’t change and, most importantly, they DON’T want to change. They inhabit a fantasy world that they created which becomes reality for them and those they manage to brainwash because without it they lack any depth at all so they make up their own fantasyland and believe it is real and protect it. There is no reality or truth for any person that resides in their world. It is a train wreck waiting to happen and there are always many victims. Trying to change or stop the Narcissist from abusing you or anybody would be like trying to stop that train wreck with a tissue! In their world the truth and falsehood only holds a VERY weak and instrumental meaning as they apply it to any situation and there is absolutely no morality or respect of life contained in any of their thoughts or actions. They do what they want to do without a care or concern as to what effect it will have on anybody.
It is hard if not impossible to fully wrap our heads around the outlandish behavior of a Narcissist or their psychopathic mindset so we really shouldn’t try to as it relates to and describes our abuse. What we do have is a mind and heart that is full of negative and demeaning messages that we were manipulated into believing and we need to purge them out of us and realize that we will only get more of these messages if we have ANY association with them whatsoever. It is time to get real about this and accept this fact. We are normal people that love and possess empathy so we could NEVER understand the mind of this creature and we should not attempt to either. Narcissists believe the truth they create at the moment they need it to provide them with new opportunities – there is no rhyme or reason to it except to satisfy one of their needs at that given moment. I believe they even have their own language and it is delusional at its basis and only ‘doubletalk’ to meet their agenda to extort other people’s lives.
They are only seducers that use their ‘word scripts’ to extort life and people. If I had to interpret some of their words, it would go like this:
- “I love you” means “I want something to give me a ‘high’ at this very moment like a drug addict taking a hit from their favorite drug.”
- “I would NEVER intentionally hurt you” literally translates to “Watch your back because I can’t be trusted as far as I can be thrown, so I am gathering up all the information I can to smear you, back-stab you and WOUND you so you learn to fear my wrath!”
- “You love me and you know it” translates to “You WILL forgo any and all of your needs and bend to my will and ALL of MY needs.”
- “Trust me” means “Tell me what I want to know so I can use it to get what I want as well as use it against you when I have to.”
- “You are the love of my life,” translates into “You are just the next one of a long, list or sequence of targets/victims that will be used and abused.”
- “Mutual monogamy or fidelity” means “you WILL be faithful to me while I cheat on you.”
- “Betrayal” in the Narcissist’s mind is defined and justified with this – “How dare you disapprove of something/anything I did or said. You broke my laws, didn’t follow my rules and you disobeyed ME. I will show you what happens AND you must and will be punished.”
- “Mutual commitment” translates into “Everything in your life revolves around me and me alone, BUT I will do exactly what I want.”
- “Honesty” never means the truth “It is me (Narcissist) saying whatever gets me what I want at the moment.”
- “I miss you SO MUCH” means “I miss the function you play in my life as supply, but there are plenty of other objects I can play with when I need MORE and better supply.
- “I love you like no other and we ARE soul mates” means “I’ll give you attention, flattery, gifts, and ‘love bomb’ you to death only until I hook you emotionally and gain your trust, AND can extort everything I can from you and your life, and then I am out of here.”
- For the supply on the side “My wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend doesn’t really love me or satisfy me” really interprets to ‘Neither will you, in a few weeks or months, at most and I will toss you aside too.”
- “We are MEANT to be together forever” means “ABIDE by my rules because I own you completely while I remain free to do as I please.”
- “We can and will work this out.” means “But it is NEVER my fault. If I did something you believe is harmful, you are over-reacting OR it’s because your services weren’t good enough for me – plus I AM going to discard you someday anyway.”
All of these things were the very things my Narcissist said to me and the real definitions were the reality of the situation once I moved on and learned the real truth. Every word, phrase or statement of the Narcissist’s so-called “truth” is only said in the moment or momentary and always contingent upon their immediate gratification and convenience. All their efforts, no matter what only represent an investment designed to satisfy the Narcissists immediate wishes and desires. Their feelings are shallow, so is the value of their ‘truth’ that they are always waving in our face. The best thing to do when they make one of their famous proclamations is to always add “for now” to the end of their declarations. There is no passion and they are by far never grounded with any caring emotions, empathy or love AND NEVER A COMMITMENT! They may pretend to love you FOR the moment but once they are not physically in your presence they will be pursuing another source of supply or chasing after some new and temporary pleasure!
None of this is said in a manner to beat a Narcissist with a stick, this is the truth of how disordered they are. If I were to read this without the experience I have gained from being abused, I would think it was fiction and sort of humorous. But seriously these creatures are driven by their sadistic desires and consumed with envy and contempt for humanity.
We have to educate ourselves about this disorder for sure. We must purge all of our emotions that we felt were real out of us and straight into the garbage can. We must get angry, grieve, yell, or even scream! Basically there is a process to recovery that shouldn’t be slighted in any form or fashion because the damage/destruction is very real and devastating. BUT we must also realize at some point it is time to move forward without putting any relevance into the life we once had with this monster. We MUST start out on this journey with no contact and adhere to it completely, and that is the reality of what worked for me. Minimal contact in the case of children, divorce, etc., but we must make our mind adhere to the reality of the situation that there WAS NO REALITY with them at all!
After we are healthy we must force closure on our own and realize that it is failed relationship that we could never even remotely come near to fixing. We can’t get into their delusions and apply them to ‘us being with them’ or figuring them out. Our energy needs to be turned around and poured into us and FULL TIME! So again, with all of this in mind it most certainly sends a strong and viable message that EVERYTHING was one big lie. So we have to stop traveling back to the past to re-think any of our personal thoughts about ‘why’ over and over again. It is futile to believe anything but the reality that they used and abused us and even tried to destroy us to cover up the truth.
When the truth was standing squarely in front of my face, I let go or better yet released because it was just too repulsive for me to accept that this person could be so perverse, to betray me in the manner that this Narcissist did, as well as use me AND my family. That lesson is burned in my mind and stamped on my soul forever. This Narcissist can try to image themselves as a saint, martyr, or perfection personified, but I know the real truth and I can only pity the next, and the next, and the next target/victim. We can’t change the way they think, nor how they smear our good name and integrity to their small circle of friends or supporters – but who really cares about the people that believe this deceitful character. I just CAN’T care because the truth is right here inside of me. That is all that is important to me and what helped me to move on and away from this terrible person and obtain closure. This Narcissist’s lifestyle is a bad story that destroys people! This experience has helped raise me to a higher plane, one where I took control over this hideous assault and empowered myself with just the truth. Concentrate on the truth and that will move you forward – that and no/minimal contact to force them OUT OF YOUR LIFE FOREVER. You can do this I promise – take away what they need and you will never hear from them again! No/minimal contact always! Greg